To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

YANBU.

Unless you're both full of energy and/or able to pay for lots of helps, it's hard for both parents to have full on careers when DCs are young.

I work p/t but I can see that it would be easy enough to pick up my career when I want/need to. It's a constant compromise, but then I can't see how me working f/t with potential travel etc. would work as DH is a contractor so little flexibility. In reality he'd have to take a less well paid job, we'd pay more in childcare, DS would be in childcare for longer and we'd have about the same take home with much more stress.

Working around the higher earner's job makes perfect sense.

Having said that, what makes the most sense is simply doing what suits you and your family. If you are happy with it and your family is happy with it, job done!

I work full time over 3 days in a professional job and although it means for three days a week I don't get to see my DS (bar 30 minutes in the morning) it means that I have four days a week with him. Families only ever do what is best for them.

If my DH earned more money and we could afford for me not to work, or work less hours, then I would jump at the chance because I wish I could spend every day with DS.

We do this in my family. I have MH issues (depression and anxiety) and working PT in a low pressure environment suits me.

Also, sadly, working with MH issues is (sadly) still an absolute nightmare and I find that most employers when they discover them start to make mental plans to get rid of you. Any time off is seen as malingering, you're always first in line for redundancies and it's seen as a liability and holds you back in terms of promotion and advancement as you are seen as 'risky'. The strides made against discrimination for physical disability have sadly not made it across and you have to work three times as hard for half the progression.

Shit, but true.

But getting divorced is not a rare occurrence. One third of us will get divorced. It makes sense to plan for a secure financial future. So in the same way you might pay into a pension, it makes sense to make sure that you could support yourself if you divorced.
And as well as knowing couples who have divorced, I have known women who have stayed in relationships that are long dead, purely for financial reasons.
It does always make me wince a bit when a couple start out on the same financial footing job wise, and it is always the women's career that it "makes sense" to be sidelined.

It's a very valid point cleaty.

I know in our case DH appears to derive a lot of his self esteem from his work and commitment to that, when even when I was single and a highly paid professional I never enjoyed working long hours and travelling and I like to think that even had I not had DS and taken a step backwards I'd be doing something different from what I was.

DH and I have no intention of divorcing, but I like to think I'm not naïve. I have AVCs in addition to my pension and workwise as I say if I wanted to increase my hours and responsibilities for more pay, then I don't think that would be difficult to do.

One third of us will get divorced. I prefer to think I'm one of the other 2/3

I do see what you mean but sometimes the 'woman do everything or you will be letting yoruself down' schtick annoys the crap out of me!

I made exactly the choice you did.

My Husband left three months ago.

I now have four children, all the juggling I used to do and so much more and many fears about my financial future.

I understand women stopping work to look after children if their DP earns more. But I always wonder why the woman earns less in the first. Do women actively seek higher earning partners? Most women I know earn the same as their DPs, but often not on MN.

If DPs don't earn more, are women happy to admit that they stopped work because it was the easier option for them and they wanted to stay at home? I know when I stopped work for a couple of years to look after DCs, despite us both earning the same, it was an entirely selfish decision based on my own preferences. It put too much pressure on DH though. I think many women could be more honest (as they have been on this thread) rather than saying they have sacrificed their careers for their husbands. They wanted to do it.

but frankly I think as long as you marry a man who's actually a decent human being and not an utter tosser then it's really no problem

I imagine most women thought they had married decent men and then turned out to be tossers years later and left them in a crippling financial mess

When DH and I met, we both did more or less the same job and earned the same amount of money.

I wouldn't say that going back p/t was the easier option as I have the burden of the majority of the childcare ( although as DS gets older it is less hands on) and more of the domestic chores.

However I was certainly more keen than DH to work part time, so I don't see myself as having sacrificed anything as such.

If I could swap roles with DH I suppose it would be tempting - it would be nice to go straight to work and not have to rush out of work to do pick up and then feel I'm not doing that great at either role - but to be honest I find pressure and expectations at work to be very high and DH is much better at coping with that, so in summary I feel we've worked it out as best we can.

I think a lot of the people who are saying 'Oh but you might get divorced' are overlooking the MH angle. If you've got an illness which is going to hold you back (and I think it's pretty usual that it does) then you could work for ten years while married and not be much above the entry level role you would get if you got another job if your marriage split up and you needed to get a new job from scratch.

When MH issues are thrown into the mix I don't think you can assume that there is going to be a big loss in a period when you would have been haring ahead in your job otherwise.

Are your friends horrified because you prioritise your DHs job or because you're part time? They're not synonymous, and the latter in particular is very much the done thing. Because huge numbers of parents of young children work part time for many different reasons.

As for whether YABU, I echo the general tone of the thread. Do what works, future proof as far as possible. It isn't necessarily just about divorce, it's about any of the various ways in which your husband might stop financially providing for the family. Death (easy enough to insure against) illness in one of the ways Atos aren't very skilled at noticing, redundancy (less easy to insure against). Divorce is the most common, that's all. But YOLO. Your children will never be this young again. It's a balance, that's all. Incidentally, it is also possible to combine one of you being around most of the time for the kids with two decent careers.

I feel like you Rookie, I don't like the stress and pressure of work, esp FT. But I would find it unfair to leave that pressure to DH to bear.

Maybe there is a reason why fewer women reach the top - many are simply like me and would prefer to be at home with DCs. But I feel I am honest about it. I could argue that it would work well for the family, DCs would benefit, we are a team with different roles etc, but a big reason for it would be that work is hard and sometimes scary, with deadlines and appraisals, and home is safe and easy. I don't get why I should be able to opt out of that more easily than DH because of my sex.

Yes exactly billsykes, where any type of health condition is involved, a person might be protecting their future ability to work and earn by staying part time. Sometimes it's about the long game.

I thought it's the norm that women works around their DH job. I'm the only FT working mum afaik in DD class.

Sorry OP, I realise I haven't been very helpful and have just gone off on my own tangent. Apologies

Do what works well for you.

I have seen many women work themselves into the position where this seems "right". It can start off with doing more during mat leave, which makes sense, but that never readjusts when both parties are working. When the burden of childcare and juggling falls to the mum, she drops hours leading to a drop of confidence and progress at work. From that point a decision like yours is inevitable almost.

As others have said, this is fine while children are in primary and while the marriage is happy, but can fall apart when kids don't need so much care, when a marriage fails or indeed when a husband's career stalls. It's often in the 50s that women are at their most successful but that is more likely when they haven't stepped away.

So YANBU - your life etc - but do think carefully.

I do get annoyed when some of the women I manage always seem to leave early / take time off to look after sick children because their DP's job is more important. It should be more equal. DP and I have always shared this.

OMG OP you're so brave to go against the tide and prioritise your husband's job - you're quite right it's very unusual these days. That's why women earn so much more and we have such a high proportion of female CEOs.

In all seriousness, of course you do what's best for your family but I find it a little depressing that it's nearly always the man's career that is considered more important. Also I think men take the piss sometimes with the hours they "have" to do. I'm a lawyer (DH works pt and does most of the childcare) and I manage to get home for bedtime every night. Because I make enormous efforts to structure my work around that. I know (before a million posters tell me about their important DHs) that there are exceptions but believe me there are a lot of people (mostly men in my office) who operate at a relaxed pace all day and stay later. Presumably because it suits them to swan in after bedtime is done.

I was reading a thread on here about a woman who's DH has left her for a young girl and she hasn't worked for years.
It made me feel better about the chaos that is my life working part time and juggling childcare and dh's shifts.
I hope Dh and I are forever but my last marriage taught me to be prepared.

Agree with splendide 100%

I will also point out the men who do to the pub for one drink after work. I'm quite sure their wives think they are working late!

Raskolnik I suppose I should have included the flip side of the coin. DH would find it very hard to do what I do. I need to juggle my work with DS's commitments, I sort out all the school holiday child care arrangements including complicated swapping arrangements with other working parents (also trying to keep up to date with who DS is friends with at any particular point in time). I do all the weekday cooking ( and most of the weekend stuff), we have a cleaner which is fab, but I do the liaison and remembering to put the money out etc. etc. I help DS with his homework and cake bakes and all random school things, also any week day sports/cubs activities. I also sort out holidays ( which I love to organise), social events and so forth. Also work 24 hrs per week.

So I would say that whilst I prefer my role to his, I wouldn't consider it easier, just financially less rewarding .

Raskolnivok - Women in general do earn less than men.

I don't know your friends but could it be possible they just don't want to see you become financially reliant on your DH than are worried about what the "done thing" is? Personally I'd never want to be financially reliant on a man, the world is a risky place and I like the security of knowing I can look after myself if needs be, and don't have to rely on a partner.