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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:
blinkyoullmissit · 23/04/2016 18:24

Someone women need to be in work, some don't. I've given up work to stay with my ds as dp earns more than me and me not working doesn't have too much effect. I love it and it works for us. When the time is right I'll go back to work

rookiemere · 23/04/2016 18:28

harshbuttrue - I pay the cleaner in leftover diamond shoes that I find too tight and pointy.

Jemappelle · 23/04/2016 18:36

Anecdotes apart, it's true that -

When out of a couple one person is stepping back to run the home it's usually the woman

When one person sees their career take off and become four times the earner it's usually the man

Almost all women in these cases will say it's an individual choice and it works for their family unit. When actually it's a massively mass choice whereby generally it's men whose careers and earning potentials take off while women ferry the kids and (willingly) take a step back into home management.

Countless anecdotes of the opposite may abound (our household while a dual full time household is one where the woman is building her career) but the general trend remains as above.

So op your choice isn't rare. It's simply the case that it's still mostly men who advance careers and women who manage the home of you take the average of all households.

Jemappelle · 23/04/2016 18:36

All households with a SAHP may I add.

StealthPolarBear · 23/04/2016 18:37

Blink I'm not sure what you mean by need. Is that financial or for other reasons?

Jemappelle · 23/04/2016 18:40

Why do women earn less in the first place? My family back on India is full of high achieving women so my British IL family is an eye opener.

There are four grandsons and one granddaughter. The grandsons are regularly told to focus on maths and science and that they have to feed their families when they grow up. The granddaughter is regularly told she will make a pretty bride and will find her Prince Charming and given dolls to play with while her brother gets all forms of educational toys plastic tat.

ZigAZigAhh · 23/04/2016 18:42

Blink - some women also want to "be in work" whether they need to or not. In my personal experience, I chose to go back to work full time after mat leave. I am a higher earner than DH (who also works full time), but that wasn't even really a factor I took into account when making my decision. I was given the option of returning to work part time after mat leave. I didn't want to - I love my job, I have worked bloody hard to get to where I am and I am much, much happier with DH and I both working full time and equally sharing the house stuff, and spending equal shared quality time with DS. I really struggle with the perceived norm among my family and social circle that women only work (particularly full time) if they "need" to, and also this unsaid assumption that my DH's career is somehow more important than mine. Luckily DH and I are on exactly the same page which is all that matters. I know of many female friends and acquaintances who have given up excellent careers due to the career choices of their partners which is of course completely their choice, but I don't know a single man who has done so for his partner's career. Again - everyone can do what makes them happy, it just makes me a little uneasy for some reason.

CallaLilli · 23/04/2016 18:42

Where's Xenia when you need her?

ZigAZigAhh · 23/04/2016 18:44

Jemappelle - exactly the point I wanted to make (but expressed far more eloquently than my post!!)

StealthPolarBear · 23/04/2016 18:45

Calla, she'll be working ;) as am I, albeit with a glass of wine

SortingStuffStill · 23/04/2016 18:51

A sobering example,when we met my income was 80% of dh's; after years of pt /pregnancy/leave, mine is now 50% of what it was over a decade ago and exactly 11% of dh's which has gone up four-fold! Shock i had no idea if was so stark, had i have known, i would have made different choices. Be careful, OP, this is much more than a feminist issue.

HarlotBronte · 23/04/2016 19:17

Women in the UK don't really earn less in the first place jemappelle, not now. It wasn't always so, but for the past few years women in their 20s have been outearning men of the same age. It stops in the early 30s, the same as the average age to have the first child. It remains to be seen whether the cohort of women who've been outearning men in our 20s will continue to do so as we move into our 30s and hit the age when the majority have children. The stats linked to above cover 2006-2013, which matches my own 20s quite well, so I watch with particular interest!

blinkyoullmissit · 23/04/2016 20:39

Zig- I meant that some women want to work. I'm a feminist and truly believe that that each woman should get a choice in what she wants to do. No one should tell someone else how to live their life or what to do.
If you want to work then brilliant. If you don't then brilliant.

StealthPolarBear · 23/04/2016 20:44

But if you don't want to work thwn that relies on the situation. Women as grown adults have a joint responsibility with their partner (if they have one) to provide financially for their family. That doesn't mean they have to earn but I find it a but strange to say feminism means women cam just choose not to work.does feminism mean I can refuse to pay the mortgage? Or change the nappies? Or do the school drop off?

splendide · 23/04/2016 20:57

Yeah that makes no sense sorry blink. Are men allowed to chose not to work? What if we all make that choice? How will anything get done?

SamanthaBrique · 23/04/2016 21:23

When the time is right I'll go back to work

Good luck with that, you make it sound so easy!

lborgia · 23/04/2016 22:47

I've just found out that here in Oz, the divorce rate is actually 46% . Stopped me in my tracks. When I stopped working a decade ago, my salary was about 70% of my husband's. The kind of job that I'd get now would be worth about 20-25% of is current salary BUT because I'd be paying far less tax it would be worth significantly more as take home pay.

However, as with the original OP, I am stymied by mental health problems, and there's no point in saying "that's fine, but just make sure you keep a bit on track", or "watch out for if you get divorced" as if MH is a movable feast. If someone has a physical disability that made work impossible, I don't think anyone would be telling them to keep on working just in case.

All I can do right now is make sure our dealings are as equal as possible (ie house in both our names, life insurance, savings etc), and do as much as I can to stay up to date on changes in things that those at work would take for granted. Software, and technical requirements in the areas I have worked in.

In a good week I can see myself that I will get back to part time and eventually full time, but frankly I'm kidding myself.

OP, if you can honestly say that it works for you, and at least can see a way forward if you were left high and dry. ..you don't need to plan to live at the same level you do now, in worst case, just that you think you could survive.

Organon8 · 23/04/2016 22:58

but it is a risk, relying on dh. I regret doing this. Things change, people change, husbands run off

This ^^

Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2016 23:22

It's not what I would choose, but if it works for you and for the rest of your family, I see no issue. Your life, your choice.

slightlyglitterbrained · 23/04/2016 23:45

When DP and I got together, his salary was almost twice mine, and earning potential was apparently way higher.

I now earn about 3x what I did back then, and we earn roughly the same. That only happened because we made the choice to let me catch up career-wise. It's let us both go to part-time hours to spend more time with DS, so similar setup to some previous posters.

DP has also had mental health issues, though apart from a couple of breaks has been able to continue working (suspect a woman wouldn't have had as much leeway given for the breaks). I guess we work on the assumption that if one of us stops working, it'd be him. I could do high pressured job to bring more in if I had to, but it'd crush him.

splendide · 24/04/2016 06:01

I actually worry that DH is in a vulnerable position as he's not had a "proper" job really ever. I would certainly resent supporting him forever if he had an affair and we split or something but realistically I would have to so DS wasn't living in a complete hovel when with DH. I don't think this'll happen but who knows? Or what if I became unable to work for whatever reason? We'd be fucked frankly. So it's a bit all your eggs in one basket to have one person who's got all the earning responsibility and potential.

So there are practical reasons to avoid that set up even if you discount the fact that the desicion to do so is not made in a vacuum.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 24/04/2016 06:10

Well done you for making. A sensible, team decision.

Too many people live in fear of 'what if' without living a happy life.

Modern life is so stressful, sometimes when it doesn't need to be.

I've given up work (started a thread recently Grin) and already I have saved so much money. I don't need to buy work clothes and lunches, no commuting cost , I've planted a garden and vegetable patch, can cook from scratch and organise mess so I am not wasteful. We have plenty of time to walk the 2 miles to school so save petrol. Also, my DH can focus on his career with less pressure and we can spend quality time as a family.

As for your mental health, you need to be well to look after your family!

whatamidoinghereanyway · 24/04/2016 06:11

An feminism is about women having the choice. Wink

Stillwishihadabs · 24/04/2016 07:47

I am 40 with Dcs of 9 and 12. I have been really surprised by the number of my contemperies who have "prioritised their dh's careers" over the last 10 years. These are well educated intelligent women, some of whom don't seem all that keen on being at home. I am talking about a 2/3 (sahm) vs 1/3 (wohm) split, I am sure they all had good reasons, but in 2016 it surprises and saddens me.

slightlyglitterbrained · 24/04/2016 07:52

People keep saying feminism is all about choice - I don't think that's quite the whole point though. Surely feminism is just as much about recognising that choices aren't made in a vacuum - the choices women can make get restricted by what society allows/approves of.

So if your preferred choice is in one of the remaining options then that doesn't make it bad, but it is bad that the other options weren't there for you and others.