To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

I am dependant on DH. He is dependent on me That's why I'm glad I kept my career going, as we now depend on it as our primary income due to a change in circumstances, and I am far from alone in my friendship group, in fact, there are several of us who have either never stopped working or suddenly had to shift up a gear due to the recession, redundancy, having an older partner who is retiring and not being able to manage, health problems.

I get you don't want to live in 'fear' of what may happen, all I'd say is that if you are wealthy and can afford critical illness cover, life insurance, pay into your own pension and are married so have access to shared assets, then all this may be offset if you take a decade out to SAH. I know a couple of women who had a few years out and are extremely well provided for financially. For the lesser earners and the less organized and the not married and so forth- giving up your financial independence is a huge thing to do.

On the other hand, sometimes on the relationship threads I do think some people are stuck in their nice lifestyle and seem to view moving into a small house in the private rented sector as some type of vision of failure- and so don't want to break up the family for financial (lifestyle reasons). I'd rather have a smallish house or flat all paid for myself in the event of an unexpected split or change in circumstances and that is basically what I could and do provide.

littlejeopardy if you don't work then he is not financially dependent on you.

I don't have much truck with the argument that it's hard for men at more junior levels seeking flexible/PT hours. Yes it is hard, and women do it, and pay penalties for it, while their partners and men with SAHWs work the hours, do the travel and get promoted.

If senior men wanted the workplace to offer more flexibility, which would be good for all their staff with caring responsibilities, and retain and progress more good people, they could do it. Men dominate senior roles.

Pearly mum you seem to forget or maybe you don't know that many working women absolutely love their jobs !

You describe a miserable picture of women slaving away at home and work

Well I LOVE my job. I love working as much as I love my children. It fulfils me intellectually and I find it interesting and exciting. I realise not all working adults feel like that but many do enjoy work even if not all the time.

So I feel incredible happiness that I can work. Of course it is progress that women can choose to have intellectual and creative fulfilment as well as families.

Women used to have to stop work when they married. Thank god I live now when me and my family cab choose to run our lives as we wish.

Also. Someone up thread said that women discover on mat leave that it's better than working.

Are you having a laugh?! Please don't make assumptions about other womens lives. I don't know a single woman who wasn't pleased to return to a mix of work and family life.

I was raised in an Indian family where my grans fled riots during the parity on of India Pakistan as refugees and seven people lived in two rooms in post independence India. They raised their daughters to strongly pursue financial independence and their sons supported their wives to do the same.

My mum and all aunts therefore pursued jobs all their lives and for my mum her career saved her when suddenly heir marriage split (very very uncommon in conservative India)

So I grew up with a strong message of women at work. Plus my dad inspired and shaped me to be a very ambitious person. I was also through joy a very bookish girl and eventually went through to a PhD to bridge an academic

It's only when I moved to the west that I encountered the sahm model in DH family. He family actively teaches girls to be brides and mums I see that In front of my eyes.

Yes my salary is 51% of our household Income. But I don't work for a fear of divorce. While there's no way I would ever rely on anybody to feed me - however much I loved them or signed an oath wth them - I work simply because being an academic, pursing knowledge, conducting and managing research projects, and contributing to my discipline is what I've always wanted to do right from when I was 10.

And yes I do feel fingers crossed that I have it all. May my family stay healthy, but yes, I do have it all :-)

And if I haven't said it here it is - I adore my profession. I love writing grant applications, winning bids, conducting research projects that contribute new knowledge, designing Masters level courses, lecturing 300 students at s runs, presenting at conferences and learning about what's new in te research agenda for my field and supervising doctoral students. Absolutely love my work - am not a Slave to a drudgery or working for fear of DH abandoning me.

Also. Someone up thread said that women discover on mat leave that it's better than working.

Are you having a laugh?! Please don't make assumptions about other womens lives. I don't know a single woman who wasn't pleased to return to a mix of work and family

That was me, I never said all and made clear it was my opinion/ experience rather than reality.

Amongst my friends maternity leave is generally seen as time out from reality and people have not been eager to get back. I guess it depends on your job and your home situation.

Yes, I adore my profession too. Also it's fairer for men if both work because they have less of a financial burden on them. Most people face job troubles, redunancies and all sorts in a 30 year marriage/working career so it's a good idea to have a different sources of income and to ensure quality and fairness at home. I mentioned much earlier ont he thread that 50% of the marriages on this thread and in the UK will fail - yes that's half of you on the thread who feel you hare happily married sharing everything un to death.... yes, he (or you) might this lunch time be flrting with the younger new person at work or the gym and be off leaving you without a penny if you depend on your spouse for money. And yes it can be without a penny - so many men (and some women) can structure it that way as they are self employed or work for their family or move abroad with the money.

Don't get stuck up the creek without a paddle and children complaining to you because their standard of living is worse. Keep your career going. Also many of us love our work.

I am happy now having worked full time for 30 years without breaks. It's lovely work. When the children were younger I commuted to the City and that was hard for both parents but that is how it is when you are junior and have less power but it's worth it later, definitely.

We must get beyond this situation when by "pure coincidence" and "not gendered" (so those women not working tend to say) it is always women making the sacrifices in terms of career.

Most of those of us who work full time whether male or female bring up our children, spend a lot of time with them and have good balanced lives. It is not that we work full time and then never see them for 18 years.

Family has a big influence. My grandmother who had taken herself off to India to work as a nanny in the 1920s (very brave step) married when she returned to England and within a year of her first baby being born her husband died at work in an accident. So there she was in the 1920s bringing up a baby alone. My mother then supported mmy father with her teaching wages for 10 years whilst he qualified as a doctor and then consultant. I earned 10x what my husband did etc etc. Other families women have never earned much at all and girls are conditioned to stay home. That is the pattern I want to change.

Phil - it definitely varies from person to person.

I was looking forward to going back to work and was feeling optimistic that everything would work out just fine (which of course it did).

The only times I felt apprehensive about my return was talking to other female friends/relatives MIL who would bang on about how sad I must be feeling and how my career mustn't have the same meaning for me now that I have a DS. I remember having several panicked conversations with DH about whether I was an uncaring mother on the basis I wasn't feeling wracked with guilt about going back to work. DH quite rightly told me to ignore what other people were saying.

Different horses for different courses. And as others have said above, I work because I love what I do and have worked/studied incredibly hard to be able to do it.

I have also been very much influenced by my lovely DM who has only ever done the odd part time job since having DC and very much putting DF's career first (as did the whole family as it involved a number of overseas postings).

She has said to me on many occasions that she (and friends of hers in a similar position) that while she loved having so much time with us DCs when we were younger, she really regrets not putting more emphasis on working and having a career, and she often feels quite lonely and at a loose end now that her DCs have grown up and are living their own lives, and DF is working as hard as ever with no plans to retire anytime soon.

Argh should have proofed that - apologies for the poor drafting!

DuckD I do work and I enjoy working. I also manage the savings. My DH works too. We are financially better off together but that is not entirely what I meant about being dependant on one another. Were the first point for another for advice, help, love, fun...

But I think this thread is more about the financial security side. And agree two or more streams of income is sensible for lots of families. But I wouldn't think a woman is foolish for choosing differently.

I see SAHMs who don't even have a hobby FFS. It's like a strange martyrdom and yes it bugs the shit out of me....again, because it is 99% of the time the women doing it, blindly accepting their societal determined roles

What about Pilates?

And Zumba once a fortnight?

I despair at women's low standards for themselves

I think that women need to look to their husbands though and not blame sahm's for any inequalities.
Men can give more to their work in many cases if they have a sahm looking after the home and kids.
There used to be a saying "behind every successful man there's a successful woman" meaning she was successful at doing all the things that allowed him to progress in his career.
So instead of some women blaming others for not working, stating that they are some kind of patriarchal stereotype, they should expect their husbands to take a back seat if they wish to progress in their career, just like the men used to do.
I don't think blaming stereotypes from the 1950's is helpful here, most women work these days, that's more of the norm than sahm.
Even those who have a job and aren't career minded are working to pay bills, some want to and others don't. But it's not true that sahm is gender stereotypical anymore.
If you have a husband who puts his career and hobbies before his family or your career challenge him about it. Better still find a man who will be the "man behind the successful woman"
Don't be the default domestic and don't always have the children, put your career before his if this is what you want.
I know I would if I'd have wanted to keep my career and was a career minded person after dc.

Hey ho the I have 5 kids, a full time career, do voluntary work and cycle 300 miles a week brigade are out in full force

I've read the whole thread and it's made me realise that I'm opting out of some study opportunities because I see myself as the homemaker...

I do work PT, self-employed around 2 SN children but I deliberately keep my work from affecting the rest of the family as I want to be there for them...

But... I'm now thinking I should be prioritising myself more sometimes.

We do contribute to a pension for me but it's 1/4 of what we contribute to DHs... But his employers match and more his contribution...

DH is supportive of whatever I do - my choice to go PT & self-employed etc - but of course he loves me being around to look after the kids and keep house and do the family admin...

I like being the parent who stays at home (mostly) but this thread has made me realise there are things I've not given much thought to...

See Kerala that's where I find attitudes depressing. I can't imagine anyone making sarcastic "you must be superman" comments at a man having children and a job and some outside interests. It's considered normal. If a woman does it she must be fantastically smug or something.

Oh come on! If a man said the equivalent I would think he was an utter prat! I am an equal opportunities judger of cringeworthy aren't I marvellous my life is great boasting.

Fair enough, sorry.

I do find boasting pretty cringy but most of it on this thread has come from the "I have oodles of free time, amazing Oxbridge headed children and a terribly important DH".

I am not sure "I have a job and also a life" is that huge a boast is it? What would the equivalent be for a man?

I don't, for the avoidance of doubt, do much else but work and look after my toddler but I'm hoping that I get a bit of free time when he's a bit older!

KERALA - completely disagree that anyone is boasting.

All I see is posters providing examples of their own lives which go against the "frazzled stressed working mother with no time to spend with the kids or do anything for herself" stereotype that has been hinted at several times in this thread.

But no one said that Kerala did they?

Fine - but that is not how it comes across to me anyway.

Personally detest how women seem to have to justify themselves to other women on either sides of the fence. Why? To make themselves feel better? To make others feel lesser? Are men doing it? If not neither should we.

Philoslothy

I of course understand that people see it as time out from work - and on my first Mat leave I did enjoy that break from working life. but god I was desperate to get back to work.

I also really believe in part time working - NOT just for mothers - but for everyone! Our work life balance in the Uk is appalling. It seems sad to me that anyone would work five days and relax for two. I have worked 3 days since having my first child and would prefer to retain flexibility and part time hours for ever now!

I have a husband who I think feels unable to push for part time hours because culture in work places (and his of all places is pretty liberal) is just not as accepting of men working part time.

But I also think he doesn't push hard enough because essentially I've taken up that burden for him. So we have a long way to go to get men and women sharing the work/ family responsibility equally.

I don't like the OPs stance personally - I think a real family balance would ensure everyone has their creative and intellectual life fulfilled. If the OP doesn't want to work then that is fine, but to frame it as 'healthy' that a woman lets the man roar ahead veers towards the traditional/ conservative.

Men are definitely not saying "Hey ho the I have 5 kids, a full time career, do voluntary work and cycle 300 miles a week brigade are out in full force " to each other are they?

They aren't having to say to each other "do you know what, it's quite possible for your career to be held in the same esteem as your wife's" are they?