To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

Everyone's circumstances are different. It's easy for those of us in relatively senior positions at work to wonder why men don't just work more flexibly, but I think it's often more difficult if you're further down the organisational hierarchy - you're not in the same position to challenge the status quo or influence how things are done, and you may not even get to set your own priorities/choose how to approach your workload. Senior managers are typically judged by results, not by how late they leave the office, but that's not always true further down the tree, and not everyone gets to decide what their working day looks like.

People respond to stress differently too. Some people can juggle multiple priorities happily and successfully. Others just seem to find life more difficult, and for whatever reason, it may be too much for some to combine FT work and family. We all have different levels of energy and resilience. And perhaps it's easier or more socially acceptable for women to say that they've given up work to look after their children/support their DH's career than it would be to say that they have left their careers in order to preserve their mental health?

And then, children aren't all the same either. Some may have particular needs that make it easier to have a parent at home, while others really thrive in childcare settings. Some get sick more often than others, and more time is needed to care for them. Some families have one child, others have many more, with differing age gaps etc. Some people have a lot of family support, others have none. And so on.

There's no way that I would ever choose to walk away from my career, because I have seen the bitter regrets experienced by my mum as a result of staying at home with us when we were kids. I want to model a happier model of work-life balance for my dd, and with an incredibly flexible job, I am confident that I can do that. However, I know that's my particular frame of reference for this stuff, and that's what motivates me. Others will look at these issues through a completely different lens altogether, and I guess they will reach their own conclusions.

I do regard myself as a feminist, but I don't see those who choose to SAH as letting the side down in any way, or perpetuating the patriarchy - they're just doing whatever feels right for themselves and their families. Are their choices influenced by wider social norms? Yes, probably, but I don't really think that the onus is on individuals to break those norms. And I imagine that we all make choices that are influenced by society in one way or another. Are they putting themselves in a vulnerable position by being financially dependent on another person? Yes, potentially, but they can take steps to minimise their risk.

I'm afraid I do get a bit irritated with the smug assumptions about frazzled working mums who don't have time for play dates or family days out, can't collect their children from school in case of sudden illness and certainly wouldn't have time for any hobbies, as if that's the only alternative to being a SAHP, but I guess it's just ignorance. Or perhaps, in some cases, people feeling the need to justify their choices.

Ultimately, if you and your family are happy with the choices that you've made, then you shouldn't have to justify those choices to anyone.

givepeas, you work full time, you prioritise your hobbies, you have a boyfriend, it's a wonder you have time to see your kids.

Unless of course your ex has the your children at times? Which would make it easier to " fuck off on a bike for most of Sunday". Who looks after the kids while you cycle?

If I worked full time I would want to spend more time with my kids when I have a day off.

Agree with broken biscuit about levels at which people work

At my level nobody tells me where and when to write and research. As long as I produce and publish in peer reviewed journals they can't care

Same department administrative staff three grades lower need to swipe on and out by the minute daily. I can choose to write my next grant proposal in my PJs on a weekday afternoon in a costa. So when DS goes to a childminder's we don't need to send him before noon except on the days I do need to commute to university to lecture - those days DH is trying to negotiate flexi working at work but see my point above about seniority and grade -- he doesn't have a great chance.

Some may ask why he doesn't go for twice the pay more senior roles and therefore greater flexibility as j can? Well - the simple answer is that I studied till a PhD while he started working ft at 17. Today he finds his options capped at a junior to mid level role.

So that's something to remember - not all employees can simply move to flexi time.

Agree with broken biscuit about levels at which people work

At my level nobody tells me where and when to write and research. As long as I produce and publish in peer reviewed journals they can't care

Same department administrative staff three grades lower need to swipe on and out by the minute daily. I can choose to write my next grant proposal in my PJs on a weekday afternoon in a costa. So when DS goes to a childminder's we don't need to send him before noon except on the days I do need to commute to university to lecture - those days DH is trying to negotiate flexi working at work but see my point above about seniority and grade -- he doesn't have a great chance.

Some may ask why he doesn't go for twice the pay more senior roles and therefore greater flexibility as j can? Well - the simple answer is that I studied till a PhD while he started working ft at 17. Today he finds his options capped at a junior to mid level role.

So that's something to remember - not all employees can simply move to flexi time.

Agree with broken biscuit about levels at which people work

At my level nobody tells me where and when to write and research. As long as I produce and publish in peer reviewed journals they can't care

Same department administrative staff three grades lower need to swipe on and out by the minute daily. I can choose to write my next grant proposal in my PJs on a weekday afternoon in a costa. So when DS goes to a childminder's we don't need to send him before noon except on the days I do need to commute to university to lecture - those days DH is trying to negotiate flexi working at work but see my point above about seniority and grade -- he doesn't have a great chance.

Some may ask why he doesn't go for twice the pay more senior roles and therefore greater flexibility as j can? Well - the simple answer is that I studied till a PhD while he started working ft at 17. Today he finds his options capped at a junior to mid level role.

So that's something to remember - not all employees can simply move to flexi time.

In my opinion you can make it work if you both work FT, of course many many couples don't have the luxury of discussing the pros and cons, they just have to do it. I told my dh very early on in our relationship I would not giving up my career when we had kids. He has a high pressure, long hours role and in his circle it's the done thing for the woman to let go of her career, get a PT job somewhere local etc. I don't remember there being much push back from him but he would definitely have preferred me to stay home (and why wouldn't he? Easier life for him!). The reality is I've been promoted 3 times in the time since my 3 have been born and my earning power is increasing. I admit there are days, weeks, when I think what if? But I just can't countenance becoming financially dependent on my dh, his pension, his bonuses, his everything. I would be up shit creak if we split. Fuck that. I was raised by a single mother, free school meals, depended on alot of benefits, I think this has shaped my outlook- I need to have my own independent ability to earn and provide for my children.

Aside from that, I have the same brains as dh, I have an education, I've done well, I deserve as much as he does to keep doing well.

For us we've adopted the model of both being as flexible as possible (I start early, leave early to collect kids), he leaves work on time each day and is home for tea, bedtimes etc. He then logs on when I go to bed to continue working. And so on. The running of the house mainly falls to me which I'm mostly happy with as he spends extra time working in the evenings so it's my 'version' of his extra working.

In an ideal world I'd maybe not worry about being up shit creak if we split but I just can't imagine that ever being the case.

Honestly think it's great if parents can be around to see kids grow up and I have very fond memories of my own mother being around but now we are all grown up she often is miserable saying she has lost her sense of purpose she had a very trafiyional upbringin though.

After 13 years so far training to be a specialist in medicine there is no way I'm completely giving up my career.

Most friends with kids work part time and gradually increase there hours to full time as kids get older. Most of the older consultant females have 1-2 children gown up who are all doing well and have great jobs like their parents. it is possible!

I like my independence and the fact I can spend loads on a pair of shoes without question!

I know it is due to flexibility with certai employers

givepeas, you work full time, you prioritise your hobbies, you have a boyfriend, it's a wonder you have time to see your kids."

And there you go again making assumptions about working mothers, Pearlylum

I find it a little sad that you think the only thing you can do in life is look after kids and there is no time for anything else

Ah well, enjoy.

"
I find it a little sad that you think the only thing you can do in life is look after kids and there is no time for anything else"

I think you are confusing me with someone else.

But there are only so many hours in the week.

We departed views when you told me you would rather be a single mother than a SAHM.

When you became a parent did you intend not to have your children's father around?

"it's a wonder you have time to see your kids."
"If I worked full time I would want to spend more time with my kids when I have a day off."

Nasty and personal attack pearlylum. Undermines everything you have said on this thread.

I spoke to my dsis yesterday , she has stepped back, I work ft. I am much less frazzled than she is. I walked through the door last night (at 8:30) to dinner on the table homework done, but Dcs still awake for a chat about their day before bed. I then had a cup of coffee bought to me in bed this morning - I am about to go for a run before having breakfast with dd. Where is the frazzle ??

Pearly - give it a rest.

pearlymum stop it with the single parents thing. Your posts are beginning to read massively like the working mum bashing articles that the daily mail print on a semi regular basis.

This is an interesting thread to see the different approaches families take. One thing that comes across is that a lot of women view maintaining independence as very important in marriage. That strikes me as I have always viewed marriage as an intimate and messy joining. The goal is unity: financially, physically, emotional, relational unity. I am dependant on DH. He is dependent on me.

DH and I are a unit. We have different perspectives and personalities, but we choose to put our efforts into making our little family a safe and loving place to belong.

That means I am not risk assessing our decisions on what happens if he abandones me. Which I know will sound naive to some but for me that is what is supposed to make marriage different from other relationships: you make an oath and a legal commitment that you are going to be a unit for life.

Both people have to be passionate about the commitment for it to work, and I guess that is the real risk. But I do know lots of women in their 50s now who did reduce their hours when they had children and are still with their DHs and seem to be enjoying life together now the kids have grown up.
Just saying, without discrediting other experiences that it is not all doom and gloom. Marriages can be safe places, if both people choose to make them good.

I am simply responding to givepeas comment that being a single parent was a better role model than a SAHM.
She brought up the subject of single paremthood, not me.

It's not just about leaving what if he gets sick or disabled through an accident or God forbid dies

"If I worked full time I would want to spend more time with my kids when I have a day off."

Yes indeed. I love spending time with my dd.

Thing is though, I am at work for around 40 hours per week, including lunchtimes and (virtually non-existent) commute. My dd is in school for around 34.5 of those hours per week, including after-school clubs (her choice of activity, not childcare). Another 3 hours are spent at dancing, with the remaining time being divided between my DH and dd's grandparents. Even if I didn't work FT, there would be very little opportunity to see her more.

Even before she started school, I was able to arrange much of my working day around the time when she was asleep.

Disingenous in the extreme pearlylum. Your comment was nasty and directly personal. Givepeas said nothing personal. It wasn't tit for tat.

Good point Keeping. They are risks worth considering too. And I'm not saying it isn't wise to have both people have a career. I guess I think we should make choices to go for what we really want and then take steps to minimise the risk, such as life insurance. So that fear becomes a secondary consideration and not the primary force behind our decisions.

little for me working is not about financial independence really ( though I could live well on my salary if needs be ) but more about independence of spirit and circumstance.

I want to have a life that actively incorporates family and work. Just like the majority of men.

It's assumed that men can do this but women can't. If I had a quid for every woman who says her DH is a 'fantastic father' despite having a successful career! Yet women apparently cannot be a 'fantastic mother' and a success in the work place.

Keepingitreal & littlejeopardy - I agree that the "what if you divorce?" theme pops up often. Even if divorce is common, it's hardly a convincing reason - in the earlier years when people make these choices they don't have any plans to fall out of love!

Illness is one that is more mentally easy to accept as something that could happen to you. I don't know why people don't raise that instead of the divorce bogeyman. When DP discovered he had developed massively high blood pressure (with a family history of heart disease), we were able to make sure he could reduce time at work & get time to exercise.

If he was sole breadwinner, the options would be far fewer and the stress much higher. The idea of watching my life partner srruggling with a choice between losing our home or his health is deeply unappealing. I would never voluntarily put myself in a position where I wasn't able to help him.

I see your point I'm just surrounded by illness working in a hospital and have seen more than my share of broken marriages because of it so am very cautious about these things

GetAHaircut - exactly, which is why I asked up thread why there is this perception that "having it all" is a myth for women yet seemingly attainable for men.

I feel that I "have it all". Honestly, I do. :)

I know I'm lucky to feel that way.

Risk of divorce has never been a spur for me.

Nor specifically illness.

DH and I have been together a looooong time and between us have enough financial protection not to worry.

For me it is all about having a varied and balanced life. Family, work, hobbies.