Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:
pearlylum · 26/04/2016 17:55

No we don't go full circle.

There are many working women who are downtrodden, get taken for granted and still expected to do all the housework despite perhaps working full time.

This isn't about SAHMs setting poor "templates" this is about shit husbands and some women willing to be doormats.

InionEile · 26/04/2016 17:58

Careers aren't fixed for either gender though. While my DH was doing a PhD, I was the main earner and bought our house in my name only based on my income.

Now it happens through a stroke of career luck that DH is the main earner by a very large margin (earning at least 7 times what I could earn in the best case scenario, ignoring my career break). He works long hours, travels, is in late meetings, can't take sick days but we've agreed it's not forever either. Our plan is for him to climb the greasy pole until we have our mortgage paid off (or close to), make hay while the sun shines hopefully and then we will both have more freedom. We're making the most sensible economic choice in the moment.

I'm not delusional about best laid plans going awry of course. I know of friends who have had life shocks with ill husbands or divorce etc so who knows what's ahead of us but I fully intend to resume earning at some point soon and DH fully intends to step off the corporate treadmill at some point too. Nothing is immutable and fixed.

It's funny, givepeas that you are critical of women leaving themselves vulnerable financially but surely being a single parent that is even more so the case? If you lose your earning capacity, there is no back-up. How do you plan for that? I'm asking genuinely by the way, not in some passive-aggressive way.

givepeasachance · 26/04/2016 17:59

"Some people actually do out others before them selves and put others needs first. Bad people."

It is pretty bad to always put others before you. Why do you think it is not?

givepeasachance · 26/04/2016 18:01

"It's funny, givepeas that you are critical of women leaving themselves vulnerable financially but surely being a single parent that is even more so the case? If you lose your earning capacity, there is no back-up. How do you plan for that? I'm asking genuinely by the way, not in some passive-aggressive way."

But that is exactly the same when YOU are reliant on one wage right?

So I don't understand why you would ask the question?

InionEile · 26/04/2016 18:05

I don't think that's fair what. Working parents put their family first too. I think most parents do and the ones that don't are probably equally SAHP or WOHP. Growing up we were strapped for cash and my mother had the chance to go back to work part time which would have really helped take the pressure off my father but she is socially anxious and didn't want to. Not blaming her at all but someone could judge her and say she put her own needs first (we were all teenagers by this time).

InionEile · 26/04/2016 18:09

Yes, it is exactly the same - so why do you think non-earning married women are more vulnerable than an earning single parent? We have sickness and life assurance for DH and savings. And I know if I had to go out and get a job of any kind tomorrow I could get something that would pay enough to live on. It would take a while but we have enough savings to tide us over for at least a year before we have to panic. So we have DH's income insured (to a point since these schemes are never watertight) and my untapped earning potential as back up. My question was genuine by the way, not a dig!

givepeasachance · 26/04/2016 18:10

The assumption is always that working mothers (not fathers) do not prioritise their children.

It's a rubbish defensive stance.

I know I am critical of women giving up their means to financial independence, but it actually does my head in. I know I should be a Good Feminist and say each to their own, but I don't see it as a free choice that women make, I see it as a loaded culturally driven decision that ultimately disproportionately dumps women in poverty / situations they cannot leave.

givepeasachance · 26/04/2016 18:13

I know it was a genuine question, but the point is that a SAHM is still reliant on another person. Another human who despite what you think may be unreliable. You just do not know, and as has been already quoted many many marriages fail and anyway WHY IS IT THE WOMEN who compromise and make themselves vulnerable?

(And btw I am not single as the result of affair so this is not bitterness)

WindPowerRanger · 26/04/2016 18:13

OP, there is just no absolute, definitive correct answer to this. It comes down to what you and DH prefer. That's it.

Most of the time, in nearly all the couples I know, there is one of them doing more career stuff and one of them doing more home stuff. A lot of couples swap roles over the course of the marriage too, so what you are doing now is not set in stone.

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/04/2016 18:26

I suspect that for the OP, this is far less about supporting her DH's career and far more about supporting her own mental health issues.

So that for me, seems a no brainer. Health comes first, right?

However, if you take that out of the equation then the idea that families have a binary arrangement with one doing all the earning and one dealing with all childcare and domestic concerns seems less than ideal. I understand that families make the pragmatic decision to go with that model where child care costs are high, there is no extended support etc.

But it's always worth asking if a more balanced approach can work, isn't it? Challenging the voices who say it simply cannot work like that?

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/04/2016 18:31

I mean my DH works in an industry where long hours in the office are often presented as the sine qua non.

And whilst there is a culture of presenteeism, you don't necessarily have to buy into that. Provided you earn the fees and bring in the clients, you will do well.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 18:41

"I know I am critical of women giving up their means to financial independence, but it actually does my head in."

Why do you care so much? What does it matter to you ?
I think there are lots of downtrodden women generally in family situations, working or not.
Many working women are having to the majority of the housework too- at least SAHMs don't have to go out to work as well.

Jemappelle · 26/04/2016 19:17

Not all jobs are based on bringing in clients. My it manager DH for example. If he swiped in a minute late that's half days pay gone. And we both work ft with my career being the household priority

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 20:03

Most husbands are also reliant on their wives as has been so clearly pointed out!

Having nursed people til death, I can confirm that most humans will eventually end up completely and utterly dependent on another human being. Hopefully someone you have loved and nurtured over many years. Sorry to break that to you.

That's almost as depressing as the fact that many women choose to stay at home and look after there familiesHmm

Waitingfordolly · 26/04/2016 20:30

Womens Lib - you have the choice!

But what you're describing is the choice to put your DH's career first and to work around the kids, not the choice for the women's career to be prioritised nor the choice to be able in most industries (granted there are exceptions) to get to the top if you have family responsibilities, either because you physically can't be there or you're too knackered through taking on most of the household / childcare responsibilities. Until women and men are able to make equitable choices, we are not there.

Let's also look at the bigger picture, 42% of men say their jobs are meaningless - (women find more meaning in their work perhaps because women are more likely to be caring for other people) that's an awful lot of your DHs who are doing something meaningless rather than being at home - let's face it, work in general is broken.

Duckdeamon · 26/04/2016 20:35

WhatamIdoinghere

I bet in the vast majority of cases at the end of life it's women doing the caring: wives, daughters, paid nurses and carers.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 20:36

witingfor- so feminism is all about jobs and career is it?

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 20:39

My OH thinks he has the rougher deal and I happen to agree!!

Waitingfordolly · 26/04/2016 21:04

pearlylum

No, IMO feminism is about men and women being able to make choices that are not determined by their gender. We've established women are fairly easily able to take a step back (finances allowing) and prioritise their husbands' careers but it's not so easy for us to priortise our own - given the choice - and conversely it can be harder for men to want to take time off for family reasons. I think people have said this quite a few times now to you in different ways, I'm wondering what it is that is difficult about it.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 21:09

"No, IMO feminism is about men and women being able to make choices that are not determined by their gender. "

That is one perspective, although I would question whether feminism is about men's choices.
I celebrate my womanhood, but for me feminism is about far more than career and finance.

NewLife4Me · 26/04/2016 21:15

Yes but you make the choice to put your dh career and family first and are accused of taking a step back and not putting yourself first.
It can't be too hard to understand that some women choose to do this and that they are happy doing this.
Ok it's a bit different if your contribution isn't considered as equal or you aren't given the choice, but some men do appreciate their wives, some children appreciate their mums irrespective of whether they decide to work or not.
Oh, and for some women the thought of a career ruining their free time sounds like hell.

whattheseithakasmean · 26/04/2016 21:23

I don't think anyone is accusing anybody of anything on this thread. Just a repeated assertion that there are, in reality, limits to our choices as they take place within societal expectations of gendered behaviour. How people choose to negotiate that is for them, but it is disingenuous and unhelpful to deny it.

Many if us find society's narrow gender expectations limiting and depressing. If they happen to work for you, I can see that you may not wish to acknowledge the difficulty it causes other women.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 21:25

Of course we all want different things in life, but the choices I made were not because I am subjugated. I have no trouble understanding other's choices, but they were not mine,
I have no regrets about ditching my career, Well paid, high pressure, huge amount of travel, abroad and UK, but not compatible with caring for my babies full time. It wasn't a sacrifice to me, I was so driven to want to stay at home with my children, I didn't have to think twice.

whattheseithakasmean · 26/04/2016 21:36

Well it was fortunate for you that your desires aligned with the societal norm of the nurturing mother. I would hope you could understand that it is harder to swim against the tide than with it, which is what many women have to do to achieve their personal desires in a society that disproportionately rewards the male breadwinner free to devote extra unnecessary time to his job as he does not wish or need to achieve a balance with his home life.

Waitingfordolly · 26/04/2016 21:37

pearlylum

It's not all about you. If you didn't have to think twice about going with a stereotypical gender role that's great for you but what about all the other women on this thread who have had to think more than twice because they are not entirely happy with the options available to them that are more readily available to men?