To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

Again, there is this portrayal of No Time to Do Anything when you work.

I think it depends on how you look at it. Youngest and I cycle to school together every morning and have our own adventure every morning. I may be cycling him to breakfast club but he's had the time with me in the morning to have some fun.

Then I go off to work and then pick him up on the bikes on the way home. And have more adventure ( and yes it is 9 miles then to work for me, but that also keeps me fit which is one of my hobbies)

It's 40 minutes a day. We could drive ( and do often in Winter) but for me that's an opportunity to fit some different things into a day.

But to lots of people, breakfast club is seen as some awful chore and cruelty to children. It just isn't like that.

I think it depends on your job, the age of your children, your husbands job, the free time you have.
There must be plenty of differences from one family to another, it isn't rocket science.
There is good childcare and there is bad, some children suit wraparound some don't. Some parents like it, some don't.
It doesn't really matter as long as you are happy, sod what anyone else says.

It depends on many factors NewLife4Me, but the point of the thread is that women disproportionately give up their survival mechanisms in favour of a man's and I don't think they should.

It is dangerous and ill thought through.

OP, I think you have asked the wrong question.
How about 'AIBU to prioritise my mental health above working full time?'

It's all well and good looking to the long term, but to get to that, you have to survive and thrive in the medium term.
If you can work a bit, then fine, but either way ensure you are putting some money away as your pension, and have a sensible split of spending money each.
As a sahm mum, I said that I did have a job; making sure the household ran properly. Every thing has to be done by someone - school runs, shopping, cooking, earning. As long as the division is fair, and you are both happy with it, then anyone else can go do one. Yes, you may divorce, and be in a bad position, but if your mental health gives you more problems through trying to do it all now, then you might be in an even worse position.
People may be be concerned for you - or they might be envious.
My son often mentions things we were able to do - have friends round, go out for the day - that his friends whose mums went out to work could never do.
Womens Lib - you have the choice!

"My son often mentions things we were able to do - have friends round, go out for the day - that his friends whose mums went out to work could never do."

That has so much stereotyping and sexism in it is hard to begin......but

1. Working mums are able to "take their children out"
2. Working mums are able to have friends over
3. Children have 2 parents - mums and dads. It is not a woman's job to look after children exclusively.

You do what fits your abilities and needs as a family. YANBU to prioritise your husband's job if that is what you want to do and you can survive financially.

As for your friends saying it is not done in this day and age - that is a load of bollocks. Almost all my friends are SAHM or have a part time job that revolves around school pick up time.

I stopped working when DS was born. I had a 'high flying career' and I willingly gave it up and haven't worked for ten years. I am so blessed to be able to be a SAHM, but I know we are far worse off than friends where both are working. But I know we are a far happier family for it.

givepeace

It hasn't harmed me, I love my life and have no regrets of giving up my career.
I don't want a career and haven't since having children, we are all different.
I could never have given our children the lives they have if I'd have worked as it wouldn't have been practical for us.
yes, some parents manage to juggle work and family life quite well, but others don't.
I think the problem comes when people assume that something that does or doesn't work for them can be applied to everybody elses situation.

Something else I would put into the mix for discussion here is the way that a lot of women on here will talk as though their husband’s jobs is somehow completely fixed and unchangeable and only theirs is up for discussion. So, they will say things like “my husband works away so I have to go part-time/give up work or we just couldn’t manage” – but that fails to really get to the root of it. Why does their husband work away and expect that to mysteriously just be ok while having young children? Why can’t their husband change job/hours? Sometimes you even see “we both had similar jobs in the same industry but that didn’t work because it was so long hours, so I gave up work or took up an easier job”. Men’s jobs don’t have to be the point around which everything else revolves.

Same here tangerino. I am envious of friends who love being SAHMs and are totally fulfilled by it. It is just simple for them: they love being home for their DC and feel that it has value. There's no angst about it.

Equally I have friends who love their jobs and could never stay home. One friend recently got pregnant unexpectedly with her 3rd child and was almost crying to me at the prospect of leaving her job because she had just taken on a major project that she was excited about and didn't want to hand it over. I've never had work that I'm that passionate about.

By contrast, I am drifting in a grey limbo of overall dissatisfaction right now. I wish I could find a clear direction either way and just be content with that!

givepease-

"I have boys and would hate them to have the template of get married and have women do all the unpaid domestic work while they go off and do the Real Work."

But you are happy for them to have the template of being a single parent?
I bring my kids up to challenge views of life, not to blindly do as their parents do.

givepease do your children see their father?

Some jobs can't be 'changed' not, DH was a military pilot when we met. We both earned plenty of money, me more than him, both spent time away with our jobs although me not the months on end he did.

We thought very long and very hard before deciding which career to prioritise, I had share options and a final salary pension scheme, he had a very good pension from the age of 45.

One job had to go, we wouldn't have had a home life otherwise and we opted for him to keep his to get his pension.

DD was not well for the first two years of her life, surgery and heart surgery and so we did what worked for us at the time. There was no belittling of my career, DH has the same amount of respect for me as a person, with a brain, who happens to make the wheels turn on the home front as he did when I was the same person with a job as a partner in a corporate firm.

In the intervening years I gained more post grad qualifications and have very recently found myself in a position where I have got to work because the jobs in his field have been cut.

Do we regret choosing his career - not one bit, we did what was right for us as a family at that time.

OP I would ignore your friends - do what is right for you, your family and your mental health.

notinagreatplace

I can answer your question from my situation.
My dh is a musician, he has many different hours of working that can involve working away.
When our children were little it was easier for me to be a sahm because there was no childcare it was very sparse and not like it is today.
You had 6 months maternity which included any you took before the birth, which could have had you starting mat leave at 28 weeks if you had a manual job.
I could have had a nanny and had the career I'd worked hard at and that paid me a really good income. I chose not too as it wasn't for me.
We have had a really easy life with a sahp, and as the dc got older far more time for me to do what I wanted to do, and the benefit of dh being around much of the day to do his share of domestics too.
I fell in love with the man he was, I wouldn't want to change anything and have often found comments like why can't he change job as weird tbh.

I fell in love with the man he was, I wouldn't want to change anything and have often found comments like why can't he change job as weird tbh.

Why is it weird for him to change job but not for you to give up your job? Surely he fell in love with you when you were working... ?

Basically, NewLife4Me, this is exactly what I was talking about - the way that you describe your husband's career as clearly fixed. He is a musician. No debate, no negotiation, that is what he is and it involves variable hours and travelling. You adapted around that.

That's exactly what I would challenge - why is it that women so easily accept "that's what my DH does" but what they do is not treated as untouchable in the same way.

Yes, we worked in the same industry really. I had a very successful business (not like pippa) but a real one.
Dh wouldn't have influenced me one way or the other, it was completely my free choice.
I couldn't imagine him having a job and not doing what makes him happy, nor him me.
It works for us, we are both happy.
I've had friends and associates saying negative things but it's their problem.

Hmm Pearlyum

No, again you make an assumption that I have assumed that I have said My Way Is Best.

When in fact we regularly have very open conversations about the merits of marriage and the merits of not being married.

I would wonder how many married people genuinely do that with their children actually? I do hear many people saying to their children "when you get married" etc. I wouldn't dream of saying that to mine, I admit, but then I see that as truly passing the decision over to them (and maybe I am making assumptions about married people)

As far as relationships go, I am only concerned that my children treat people well, and not be treated badly. And that they place a high value on love.

And yes, they see their father.

givepease- I simply made that comment because you were suggesting that I was giving my kids an unhelpful "template".

"That's exactly what I would challenge - why is it that women so easily accept "that's what my DH does" but what they do is not treated as untouchable in the same way."

Yes yes, it is blindly accepted by many women that they are the ones that have to adapt and "give up" work.

It is ludicrous and I would go so far as to say that the only instance where women should give up their financial freedom is if they have some sort of legally binding Pre Nup in place that guarantees that their loss of income will be protected should something happen to their marriage.

I guarantee that is what most men would do in this position.

That's a very good question. These paragraphs usually start describing the husbands high flying career, long hours, travelling. ..well I did that too but obviously we couldn't both do it

Pearlylum - I did say I disagree with you and that I would not want a template for my boys that women are here to do unpaid domestic work. And yes, I would prefer them to have a working single mother template.

Because I know that however much I talk about relationships etc. I know that the template is still a powerful thing, and yes, my preference would be a working single mum than a non-working mum there to service everyone else's needs at the detriment of themselves.

But that is just me, and as we keep saying everyone is different.

"working single mum than a non-working mum there to service everyone else's needs at the detriment of themselves."

You clearly know nothing of the dynamics of my family. My needs are paramount in our situation.
The contribution I make to the happy function of our family and home is hugely valued. I wouldn't do it otherwise. We value caring for others in our family.

Surely, you would only challenge something you didn't agree with.
Why would you challenge a situation that you were quite happy with?
I don't see how it's so hard for some people to comprehend that others may be happy with their situation.

I do agree that it shouldn't be a given and that some Men do think their work is more important than their dw/ partner and this is wrong.
I would challenge this, but I also challenge those who don't believe a woman should choose for herself.

"The contribution I make to the happy function of our family and home is hugely valued. I wouldn't do it otherwise. We value caring for others in our family."

I get that I really do.

And it is very probably the case in your situation however I see many many women who say these words yet I see something different. I see that they are taken for granted, downtrodden and have no purpose of their own in life, and then when the kids get their independence they wonder where their lives went.

And so we go full circle to women blindly giving up their careers because.......well because it seems to be expected of them. I don't see any other reason why women do it really.

Some people actually do out others before them selves and put others needs first. Bad people.