To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

Do what works best for you. It's noone else's business.

One caveat- try to think long and medium term in making any decision, not just short term. I know lots of women (I'm one of them) who gave up rewarding careers when their children were small because it seemed the best solution, and then found that, when their children were older, they really had to struggle to get back into their field or find some other satisfying work. I've been through this myself and it's really hard- you make a series of decisions, each based on what seems best for everyone in the short term, then further down the line you find yourself thinking, "how on earth did I get here?"

Not saying that this will be you, OP, only that it's worth thinking about where you want to be in the long term. Also make sure that you're genuinely making the decisions you want to, not making sacrifices and pretending (to yourself/someone else) it's what you want.

Sorry, a bit too much me in that response. Maybe none of this applies to you, OP. But it's worth thinking about, just to be sure.

It all depends on your family circumstances. No one has focused on the help and support available to some parents that enables them to both work full time. At my son's preschool, I see his little friends being picked up grandparents all the time. Friends I know have parents who take their young children at the weekend or overnight to give them a break and so on.

We live abroad and so if I worked full time, there is no back up. There is no one to go and pick up a sick child at short notice or cover random days off. We live in the US where annual leave is short and flexible working less common.

We are the classic couple to demonstrate subtle gender difference that determine big disparities. Before we had kids, we earned the same salary. Then I got threatened with redundancy in my job while pregnant (rank sexism involved - they were legally obliged to check within the company if I could do an alternative role and HR comment was 'well she's pregnant so no one would want her ). DH meanwhile got randomly offered this job abroad on very serious money so we took the chance even though it meant that I would not have a visa to work for a while.

Now he is a 1%-er in terms of his income and I am still a SAHM 4 years in - but it seems crazy for me to work for the sake of what amounts to DH's annual bonus for the year. At his company almost all the senior management are men. The only senior women are ones with grown up or no children.

It is utterly depressing to me as a lifelong feminist but systems are entrenched and I don't have enough personal support in my life to fight a losing battle against the weight of centuries of patriarchy. I really admire women who do though and appreciate the fact that it is thanks to working mothers that I can see a female OB-GYN, dentist, therapist or pediatrician.

tangerino- or maybe not.

I am thinking of woman I know in RL. Three have just recently thrown in the towel of corporate life in their late 40s, working for decades- one childless, one had very brief maternity leave and had a stay at home husband, the other juggled decades of patchy childcare and using up annual leave etc to work full time.
They are all burned out.

Some like me took a leap of faith, I know of several women who decided to take a big gap of out to look after kids and that breathing space has allowed them to do things they would never had considered.
One who was a police officer now works as a teaching assistant, one is teaching at an art studio running community classes, one former accountant makes bespoke small pieces of furniture.
My friend who was a nurse now runs permaculture workshops. Another woman who was a senior civil servant has published a series of very successful children's books.

Giving up a career to stay at home with kids can be a shake up, it was for me too, not every woman who makes this decision ends up in a dead end job.

It's no surprise that men fit more easily into the square men pegs of the patriarchial world. I don't really want to make myself square in order to "succeed".
The brittle constructs of the business world are male made, simply slotting into these roles doesn't feel like equality to me.

I agree. Which is why I want the shape of the holes to change.

"I don't have enough personal support in my life to fight a losing battle against the weight of centuries of patriarchy."

I agree. The system sucks, but I have to make the best of the situation. I don't have any family to help with kids- never have, not even for an hour.

I could pretty much have written your post, InionEile. My husband and I did the same job. He was seconded abroad for 3 years while I was pregnant and obviously the best idea seemed to be for us to go together, I'd have another baby and get to spend time being a SAHM etc. Now he's a partner in the firm we both used to work for and I'm doing just odd bits of consultancy and studying...it sort of works but it certainly isn't what I planned for myself, nor what we would have planned as a couple.

This is one of the reasons why I hate the fact that childcare costs are always reported in terms of women's income (so a woman needs to earn £60k working FT to break even, or whatever it was the other day). On one level it's right, as this is the practical decision many couples will be making. On another level it's completely wrong as it absolutely ignores the longer term benefits (financial and otherwise) of returning to work, which aren't measurable in that way, and presents childcare as a women's issue (rather than an issue for both parents and even- gasp!- a societal issue)

Pearlylum- I completely agree. Not saying there's one solution that fits everyone- just that it's worth thinking long term as well as short term.

What a depressing thread.

Why send your girls to school and university if you aren't even going to use your education?

That will be the cry from men soon if the pattern see on this thread is REAL

I genuinely do not understand why women find it so hard to HAVE AN INDEPENDENT INCOME while married. What is the big deal? There is childcare, there is flexible working, there is even parental bloody leave now, really what is the problem? Why do so many of you give up?

Any women who is stupid enough to believe they don't need an income of their own needs to pop off to the relationships board for a while, or even read a fucking history book.

There are so many relationships out there that make me weep. Women compromising everything in a mass co-dependency cycle. And so many of these women UNABLE TO LEAVE because they don't have any cash - putting up with abuse, unkindness, domestic slavery, keeping up with the Jones', affairs.

Just yesterday I was talking to an acquaintance about her husband "suddenly going out all the time and coming home with lipstick on a shirt" yet her cognitive dissonance was so great she was unable to accept he is clearly being unfaithful Why? She is a SAHM to 4 children and has no means to support herself. So she washed his shirt and got on with it.

I despair. Really I do.

Young children are a small phase in women's lives yet they somehow seem to have become 20 years long. It is absolute madness to give up your means of survival, madness.

Yes, tangerino I agree it's short sighted to see childcare costs in terms of the woman's income instead of household income. For me it's not just about childcare costs though. It's about stress and the constant juggling. We need DH's salary. My pittance that I could now earn would just be a nice-to-have, long term investment in exchange for which I would be a hell of a lot more tired, stressed and frustrated. If I could find a job I love where I am passionate about what I do, I would work but just clocking in to some corporate prison every day when it is financially meaningless to us seems masochistic.

I am in a funk right now where I need to find my passion and get excited about something again. Once I find that I will be a lot happier with going back to work just for the work (if anyone will have me... )

"Why send your girls to school and university if you aren't even going to use your education? "

Life isn't all about climbing the corporate ladder. We all need to protect our financial situation, but there are lots of options in life.

I ditched my career 19 years ago and I haven't looked back.

Pearlyum - but how do you protect your financial situation if you do not work? That seems illogical

InionEile, sorry, I hope my bit about childcare costs didn't come across as criticising your decisions- I didn't mean it like that at all

It's really hard. I did the same as you then (semi) regretted it but, on the other hand, I might have regretted going back FT as well. I'm quite envious of women who have a clear vision in all this, whether it's that they want to be at home or that they want to work.

I make money in other ways without a job, I have done since my children were babies. I have a pension, the assets of the family home are mostly in my name, all of the family savings are in my name alone. I am not married to my OH.

Going back to work wasn't something I have considered while having school age kids.
My DS had a lot of illness as a child, including surgery, and his attendance at school was always poor. OH worked long hours, often away and abroad. I have no family support.

Do you mean you have family money/ inheritance?

That is good for you, but unusual. I would still say that unless you have significant savings, they would be depleted very quickly should anything happen to your OH.

I am not a risk averse person but it doesn't take a genius to look at the disproportionate amount of women who live in poverty to work out that it just isn't a good idea to ditch your means to an income.

People look at it the wrong way imho, they say "oh but my wage is so insignificant when compared to my dp/dh" when a better way of looking at it would be "we both need a mechanism to survive should something happen to the other, and so they are both EQUALLY important". Monetary values do not matter, what matters is that you can survive should the need arise from the million and one possible circumstances that could bring you to the situation where you need to / want to go it alone.

givepeasachance parental leave, while a great thing, is only (shared) for the first year, and then up to four weeks a year. For two people to WoH with no family support that's a lot of childcare (and money) to share or find.

IME the situation for couples both WoH is particularly difficult in London: although there are jobs here there can be lenghthy commutes and high childcare costs. The ONS stats show more SAHMs in and around London than elsewhere.

No inheritance, no, money I have worked for before having kids.

I do bring £1500 into the family every month by other means. Not much but that could be increased if I wanted to.

Duckdeamon

It is going to be hard not to sound like a twat here but I work full time and have 2 dc's and do it all myself. I simply don't understand how it can be harder when there are TWO of you?

That surely is impossible.

Childcare costs reduce significantly after 3 years. That is such a short time period in your lifetime to make such a significant change to your economic viability long term.

There are so many reasons why I work ( I have to, I don't wany my kids saying 'mum didn't work', I enjoy it, I don't want to be reliant on someone else, I want women to make progress to name a few) but mostly it is absolute freedom.

I read what women have written here and I know they don't have true freedom because whatever they say they are reliant on another human being.

Pearlylum - you have an income - you are earning the equivalent of about £22k so you are not strictly a SAHM, who we think of as having no income.

You could survive on £22k and many people do.

Givepeas, who looks after your kids during school holidays? When they are sick? In service days? Long breaks?

yes, but I don't have a career, or a job.

Holiday clubs.

I take time off if they are sick or I have friends who I have a "favour" system with - I help, they help, we all make sure we get to work when we really need to

It is possible.

I will say that every holiday I get daunted with how I will cope, but it always works out and my eldest is now nearly 14 and so it is getting mega easy now and I have independent kids.

", I don't wantmy kids saying 'mum didn't work'"

My kids are proud of the fact that I didn't work, they loved that fact that ours was the house that all the neighbours kids would pile into because there were so many fun things and projects going on.
They tell me they wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They have happy memories of me being around and having an active loving childhood.

Holidays were some of the best times that my kids remember from childhood, the freedom to buzz about as we pleased, bike rides, trips to the beach, climbing hills, picnics.
I did try holiday clubs a few times but my kids didn't think they were as much fun as a family adventure.

I will agree to disagree there.

I have boys and would hate them to have the template of get married and have women do all the unpaid domestic work while they go off and do the Real Work. Not for me that one, I get what you are saying, but my dc's have their friends round all the time and we have very happy times, the two things of working and fun are not mutually exclusive

I sometimes think there is this false portrayal of exhausted working mum with no time to do anything with their dc's.

And it couldn't be further from the truth. Not only do we do something most evenings as they have various hobbies, I have my own hobbies, loads of friends of my own and we all have a mature, open, loving but fun relationship.