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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 26/04/2016 06:51

Eh?

These ideas are coming from you, not what I'm saying.

I simply pointed out that working fathers (especially if white, well qualified etc) whose partners cover everything at home enjoy privileges.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 06:54

But I enjoy the fruits of his labours too.

Duckdeamon · 26/04/2016 06:57

The fruits of BOTH your labours, which is fine!

The problem overall in terms of equality at work and home is that the woman's career prioritised / men doing the greater share of domestic work in so very few cases.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 07:02

But that is up to the individual couple to sort out.

JassyRadlett · 26/04/2016 07:31

I simply pointed out that working fathers (especially if white, well qualified etc) whose partners cover everything at home enjoy privileges

And are often totally ignorant (and sometimes even deny) that they benefit from this privilege. It sounds like pearly's husband is aware that he is privileged in this way though.

Ideally we'd all challenge the workplace cultures that cause these situations to be privileges but that is often very difficult to do. My solution for myself is to change what I can as a manager and when I've demonstrated that a different approach works, to shout about it.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 07:35

" working mothers (especially if white, well qualified etc) whose partners cover everything at home enjoy privileges"

But this is also an option.

Laura812 · 26/04/2016 07:36

This is the key issue. All too often women make a "choice" to stay home (something they usually regret in the 50% of marriages which end in divorce - see the Legal Matters mumsnet threads and Divorce/Separation every day where men run off, don't pay women what they should and women are left with children they cannot adequately keep financially because as ever they were the one who gave up their career and their husband did not. He goes off into the sunset breeding with someone 20 years younger who in her turn may well be replaced too having sacrificed her career too.

I have no employees but I don't mind how people work who contract services to me and when I had people under me I like many men and women was fairly accommodating to domestic needs and indeed people's hobbies which sometimes are time consuming too. If someone is a good worker you might well let them have 2 weeks unpaid leave to go to the knitting world championships, care for their elderly mother or hold a sick child at home. If they are not really very good and you could easily replace them then you are more likely just to give them their legal rights and no more.

The point is is it not just a matter of an individual couple making a choice. The personal is political. Until we have about 50.50 men and women in positions of power etc every woman who chooses to sacrifice her career is making a political choice and showing an example to her chidlren and others and employers in particular that women may not be worth investing in at work as most of them go part time or give up work and put their all mightly God like husbands first.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 07:37

"And are often totally ignorant (and sometimes even deny) that they benefit from this privilege."

Well they are ignorant twats then. Who would want one of them as a partner?

This may be political, but it is also personal.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 07:41

" and showing an example to her chidlren and others "

Yes- that being a SAHM is a valuable thing to do and our children are important.

The more emphasis we place on women in the workplace as being valuable the more we undermine all caring roles in society- even the paid ones.
"and put their all mightly God like husbands first."
It's not about putting husbands first, it's about putting families first.

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/04/2016 08:01

pearly if your paradigm works for you and your family then cool.

But it's just not a necessary paradigm for all families. And that's what some of us are saying.

I also wonder if too many men are in jobs for which they are not suited? That they find themselves stressed by work and have no energy or time to take on any domestic responsibilities.

I wonder if too many men chase the pretty green in environments to which they are ill suited?

splendide · 26/04/2016 08:18

Pearly, do you not think that it sends a message that children/ domestic life are/is not important if it's perfectly acceptable for one whole half of the population to duck out of it?

For what it's worth my personal experience is that it would be harder for me if my husband had a similar job to me. He does all the household admin and lots more domestic stuff than me and he is pt so DS only goes to nursery twice a week which saves a load of money. So I am absolutely not rubbishing the SAHP dynamic.

I just think it's a shame that it's nearly always the woman who takes a step back and I also think lots of men could do more at home/ with the kids than they do (even with their terribly important jobs).

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 08:26

It's sad that some women are bitter about the men who have privileges at home. If they are seen as privileges at home then surely this is a positive thing??

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 08:27

It's sad that some women are bitter about the men who have privileges at home. If they are seen as privileges at home then surely this is a positive thing?? Somebody being at home is a positive thing, yes.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 08:28

It's sad that some women are bitter about the men who have privileges at home. If they are seen as privileges at home then surely this is a positive thing?? Somebody being at home is a positive thing, yes.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 08:28

It's sad that some women are bitter about the men who have privileges at home. If they are seen as privileges at home then surely this is a positive thing?? Somebody being at home is a positive thing, yes.

splendide · 26/04/2016 08:31

I don't understand your post sorry.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2016 08:42

The night we found out I was pregnant I said to DH, who's staying at home then? He said Ot would be best if you as I currently earn more. End of discussion.

Years later we both know we wouldn't be able to do what we do without the other. I've no real regrets as even if I could have had a fancy pants job it wouldn't have been worth all the times the phone has rung and the children needed me and I wasn't free to go to them.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 26/04/2016 09:24

Historically women were applauded for working part time/taking career breaks flexible working. Now society dictates all women should be in work full time and if you're not what you do in the other time has no value. Some people just can't do it any more!

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/04/2016 09:27

going it is a problem if both parents have the sort of job where you can't collect your DC if necessary and you have no other people to call on.

But these events are not common with healthy DC. And one thing I've learned over the years is to simply say that I have an emergency and am leaving.

DH and I have been able to sort things between us thank goodness.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/04/2016 10:14

Getahaircut, I wasn't passing comment on anyone else's situation Confused.

whattheseithakasmean · 26/04/2016 11:19

End of discussion. Did you choose to end the discussion, or was that your husband's choice? Fine if you were both happy, but would you have had the opportunity to open the discussion more fully with your husband, if you had wished? Would he have listened if you had views about societal expectations about male and female roles in the home and had perhaps been interested in exploring a different paradigm?

All many posters have been saying is that men and women are steered a certain way by society and should not be threatened by being asked to at least acknowledge their choices are influenced by the existing inequalities in society. Change is hard, but is anything worthwhile ever easy? I appreciate the posters on this thread do not wish to make sacrifices to progress women in the workplace, but ultimately, surely, someone has to, or it will never change. Are we really ready to accept this is as good as it gets?

JassyRadlett · 26/04/2016 11:21

Well they are ignorant twats then. Who would want one of them as a partner?

Beats me! But there is plenty of evidence of them on MN and elsewhere.

t's sad that some women are bitter about the men who have privileges at home. If they are seen as privileges at home then surely this is a positive thing??

I think the issue is that they're not seen as privileged, they're seen as the norm. Meaning that those men and women with caring responsibilities can't hope to compete in a culture of presenteeism, even if their productivity and outputs are as good or better. Too many managers equate visibility with how well or hard staff work, despite plenty of evidence that long hours can lead to worse results.

But why the haste to ascribe 'bitterness' rather than as people simply recognising an issue and wanting to do something about it?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/04/2016 12:04

it's not the done thing in this day and age

It's not.
For many families the economic reality is that both parents have to work to stay afloat.
Marriage breakdown is much more common that our parents generation and this awareness keeps many women working in jobs simply to protect their own economic interests
Female progression within the workplace has massively improved in the past 30 years. While there is still a gender paygap it is vastly smaller than before.

None of these are any good reasons as to why you should not work outside the home if you have no desire to do so, and understand the personal implications for you and your family can afford it.

There are also plenty of men who "work around their wives" by the way. Not all necessarily as SAHD's but who are the spouse with steady reliable hours and the flexibility to focus more on family.

IGNORE THE IMPLIED CRITICISM VEILED AS CONCERN AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE Smile

Duckdeamon · 26/04/2016 12:59

No, there are not "plenty" of men who do that: all the analysis suggests it is still women stopping work or working part/time, flexibly etc.

pearlylum · 26/04/2016 13:36

It's no surprise that men fit more easily into the square men pegs of the patriarchial world. I don't really want to make myself square in order to "succeed".
The brittle constructs of the business world are male made, simply slotting into these roles doesn't feel like equality to me.

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