It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

if your heart is set on it then your only chance is to e mail / phone / write to all the potential guests and discuss it, some might happily pay full fee, and you can say you can subsidise those who can't afford it. get a feel for who is able to come and who is willing to be hostage a resident for the weekend /wedding day. You might find some folk are not able to come anyway whatever the rules are, so your guest list could be smaller. Ultimately you will get a straw poll on how feasible it is for people and they decide for you rather than us. If everyone agrees to it then go ahead and book and as you have discussed it first there are no nasty surprises for anyone, after allif they are coming so far to the wedding they have to stay somewhere and at a subsidised price they may be happy that its the wedding venue. I do think its shit of Gelneaglesthough and personally the policy would put me off as it seems unfair for anyone local not to have the option of going home.

Say they manage to get a b&b for £80 which is pretty average, we're talking about the difference of £70 a couple maximum.
£70 is a lot of money though. That's our weekly food budget.

Please somebody explain how the hotel police this?

Do they just count the number of people in the rooms and make that equal the catering? How do they stop people coming in for the evening part?

OP I think your missing the point of getting married surely it's celebration of your love for one another surrounded by the important people you love not by beautiful surroundings a golf course and a spa? I actually don't particularly enjoy posh weddings and prefer a pub function wedding. The alcohol is always excessively expensive, accommodation and travel costs seem unnecessary and it seems abit stuffy for my liking.I attended my brothers wedding in Preston cost 80pounds in petrol 150to hire the car as ours had broken, 50pounds for a present 70pounds for drinks would of cost more had I not been pregnant at the time. My brother also wanted to stay over at the hotel so we had to cost of 120 for the room. The cost ended up being close to 500 when you include outfits. I only did as it was my brother. For my wedding his costs were 80petrol and 50 gift. Such a big difference.

It's just not on. Even when you know people have a good income and seem well off you have no idea what other things are going on in their lives which impact their finances.

I might choose to stay in the venue anyway, I'd resent being told I could not attend the wedding unless I did so.

You cannot parcel the cost out piecemeal to some guests. It seems uncouth for you to expressly say they HAVE to stay if they want to attend the ceremony. In reality , if that is their rule, if you cannot afford to cover the rooms for all your guests, you cannot afford the venue.

Have you looked at Houston House?

I'm guessing it must be £ rather than licensing, there will be no checks, there will just need to be adequate accommodation booked to cover the numbers.

But why? They're already getting whatever you're paying for the wedding, and I bet it's not cheap. It's basically a covert way of bumping up the prices even more.

I think it is a stupid rule but I actually wouldn't be offended at being invited to a wedding on the basis that I needed to stay there at a subsidised rate. It's a bit like going on hen or stag dos - you don't have to attend, but if you do then obviously you would stay in the same hotel as everyone else. I think there is a polite way of wording it and I think that £75 is reasonable value for hotel rooms for a wedding.

You just need to make it clear that you don't expect people to attend, but would love them to come if they can. I would also be tempted to have a more informal party on my return from honeymoon if there happen to be lots of friends etc who can't make the wedding.

Its a definite NO from me. What if the guests can't afford to stay overnight? What if they don't want to for a number of other reasons? I would be unlikely to be able to afford that as a guest myself and would probably have to give it a miss sadly.
Sounds like a load of stress for everyone especially you.
I think the hotel are unfair to impose a rule like that and I would go elsewhere on that principle. Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

Your minds made up isn't it OP? just promise to be very gracious to people who decline your invite.

The venue are at it, they don't have this requirement for balls which are similar events.

A pub type wedding doesn't work where we need a non religious ceremony, bedrooms onsite at least for some and space for 70 though.

We also don't want just a standard hotel wedding 😔 We've got a decent budget, we want something a bit special and ideally somewhere meaningful for us.

We loved kinkell byre and Mansfield traquair (again it's a significant venue for us) had the had rooms, we also loved prestonfield but our numbers mean they can't accommodate. If there's anything similar in style where we can have ceremony, dinner, dancing and bedrooms then I promise I'll look at it.

I think there is a polite way of wording it and I think that £75 is reasonable value for hotel rooms for a wedding.
£75 pp so £150 per couple per night...

I think it is £75 pp so £150 per couple. And the bar won't be cheap.

Phone and ask how much for a G&T, this was one of my standard questions when looking around venues.

What a bizarre rule!! No I would rule it out

It seems to me really ally unfair, not to say mistaken, to blame the venue for being money grabbing for this. Basically, as many PPs have said, the cost of hiring this very desirable venue includes the costs of the rooms to accommodate everyone.

But the problem is that even if OP pays for the rooms, the guests will only be allowed in if they stay overnight, even if they don't actually either need or want to be accommodated there. And you can bet they're aiming to make lots more out of people buying drinks, coffees etc.

However gently you put it it amounts to saying "we really really REALLY want this venue so please say it's okay with you to pay £££ flight ££ hotel room ££ etc".

Some people will say it's fine and grumble privately, others will be embarrassed to say no, some will struggle to afford it. Why even get into this? Rule the venue out and move on.

Have the wedding you want.
Accept that some won't/can't attend
Accept that you'll upset some with the expectation that they can afford the cost even if they can't
Accept that you'll have to subsidise all of it

And accept that it will be a ridiculous amount of money for one day. however special or important.

OP it sounds like you've already decided to have the venue tbh. I would just roll with it ask your guests to pay however much you need them to and hope no-one declines due the cost

The trouble with that is that there will be resentment for years to come from people who felt they had to cough up even though they actually preferred to stay elsewhere, or couldn't afford it, and the people who felt that they were excluded because they couldn't afford it at all.

The fact that you are asking the question on here would seem to indicate that you know the cost of the hotel rooms would be a problem for some of your guests. I don't see many of the guests saying that they want to be subsidised - they would feel very patronised. I expect those who couldn't afford it would just decline to come to your wedding, making some other excuse. Also, you may think some people can afford it when really they can't. Not everyone shares their financial woes with their friends.

Your choice has to be how important your "poorer" guests are to you, and how much you want them to be there.

I do think the hotel is being very unreasonable. Have you tried playing hardball over this? They may of course get another wedding booked on the day, but they may not. You could always email your friends and ask how many of them might wish to stay there and then go to the hotel with an approximate number of rooms that you may need - but making no commitment other than agreeing that those who decide to stay there pay something like 50% six weeks ahead of the day.

So you've got a decent budget, which means you want everything top top notch and the best money can buy. And if your friends and family can't (are you actually familiar with this concept?) afford it, or would have to unacceptably compromise e.g. cancel or change their own holiday plans for next year, they are just massive spoilsports who don't want you to have a lovely day?

I think you need to learn the difference between having a decent budget and having a massive budget. You have a decent budget which means you can afford Gleneagles if all your loved ones stump up out of their own pockets. I.e. means you can't afford Gleneagles.

Why don't you look down the thread and top up those who thinks it's a good idea and those who don't? Or just read this comment again:

"This situation is still the talk of my family 10 years after the wedding occurred for all the wrong reasons." Why is that btw Lonecat?

£75 pp so £150 per couple. And the bar won't be cheap.

Ah - I had missed the bit about there being a pay bar at the wedding. That probably does make a bit of a difference because it starts to look a little bit mean to ask people to pay a lot of money for accommodation and then not to cover all their food and drinks on the actual wedding day.

I still don't think that £75pp is too bad for close family and friends if that is all they would pay for the wedding stay itself. People can always decline and I think that in a lot of rural venues it is very difficult indeed to find many cheaper accommodation options that are within walking distance of the venue. It is a really special venue and I would love to attend a wedding there. But I agree that it can't really be done on a tight budget by expecting people to pay for drinks in the evening etc.

*tot up

Elope? People get so fixed on a wedding day they forget about the marriage often these people who have posh weddings end up divorced. Your clearly fixed on the venue op but be prepared for some declines. It's one day and for people they don't hold as much importance as you do. I think you can't have your cake and eat and expect people to stay where you choose by picking this venue under these terms.

I've not entirely RTFT but assuming the requirement is that you book a number of bedspaces equivalent to the number of guests (rather than all guests must be resident), I would pay for all rooms myself, offer all guests the same subsidised rate, but not the absolute maximum you could afford - you need to make a calculated guess of how many of your guests would choose the hotel and then subsidise accordingly.

So if you have to buy 40 rooms @ £200, and can put £4K towards accommodation costs but estimate only 30 rooms would be used, you'd charge £150 per room to 'break even'. Though you'd have to be prepared to take a hit if fewer guests took the rooms.

You could strongly play up the advantages of staying on the hotel to guests but not guilt-trip them by making them realise you're financially dependent on them staying.

If you can't afford to take a £ hit if you get the numbers totally wrong then you'll have to look at a different venue.

Also - I completely agree that you would have to subsidise all rooms or none at all (with the exception of very close immediate family who might insist on paying more if they know the situation). It would be embarrassing to ask people to indicate whether they need a subsidy or not!