It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

If you can budge on location, have you looked at Carnoustie?

oh, just seen your last post - with this rule, I would be very wary about them 'not getting it wrong' because they clearly have a clear idea of how a wedding must be run, with all guests staying over. They have a set way, and if it's your ideal way of having your wedding, then this venue will suit you, but if you vary in anyway to their ideal, then you'll find it hard to get them to be flexible.

Sugar - which castle?

The childcare thing- we don't want a separate thing for kids, they'll be part of the day but want the option for an in room baby sitter so they can be put to bed. There is a maximum of 6 children involved, one of which is mine.

If you are pretty sure that most guests will want to stay at the venue anyway and you love it so much (despite this ridiculous rule) then I would just not mention it, and pick up the tab for the people who decide to not stay/stay elsewhere.

FWIW I personally wouldn't mind at all. I would appreciate the opportunity for an affordable weekend in a lovely hotel. And it would make a nice change to take DS with us to a wedding.

But how can you be sure all your guests will feel the same?

It's not even about the money. I mean, you could pay for all the guests' rooms if your budget stretched that far, but you couldn't force them to stay in them. As KingJoffrey said, it's not a hostage situation.

I also assume it must be a licensing requirement.

I have a fair amount of disposable income, I would also want to stay at the hotel where the wedding was if it wasn't stupidly expensive. However if someone told me I had to stay there I would be pissed off - it should be my choice. I would still go but I would be annoyed. Just echoing what other people have said really,

oh you just want in room babysitters for 6 DC in the evening?!?!? Just call sitters.co.uk or a local nanny agency and book them! Many hotels won't hold list of babysitters anymore because they would have to do the checks on them, but will be fine with you booking your own babysitter and having them in the rooms.

How does the hotel manage it on the day? Do they only let in people who have checked in?

I would just not mention it, and pick up the tab for the people who decide to not stay/stay elsewhere.

They will not be allowed into the wedding if they are staying elsewhere.

Ann- I'll ask them which it is, £ or licensing. If it's the former we could probably take a calculated risk on it.

I just never anticipated it at all until we got all of the docs and I spoke to the wedding coordinator.

I would be totally ok with it. I'd love to go. Is there anyone you want to come who would struggle to afford it? If not, then send an email saying we'd love you to come, but it's a condition of the Venue that all guests stay the night of the wedding - room will cost £x for a single or £x for a family, spa and golf included. We understand this is a big ask, so understand is you can't come, and please DONT bring presents

I'm guessing it must be £ rather than licensing, there will be no checks, there will just need to be adequate accommodation booked to cover the numbers.

OP, do you want your wedding to be remembered by your guests as 'the one where we had to admit we couldn't afford the accom', or 'the one where we had to pay for a room so that the poorer guests didn't have to', 'or the fancy pants venue that forced B&G into having to second-guess our financial status'?

If you were my sis, I'd pay in Heartbeat, but resent having to do so and secretly wonder how I would find the growing costs without you knowing I was worrying about money.

I'd fly up on the morning of the wedding, have a cuppa and maybe see if I could find a sandwich lunch for under a tenner, get changed and enjoy a Wonderful wedding. Climb into bed, sleep, get up, have breakfast then check out. No time for spa or golf.

From someone who defo couldn't afford it I would feel I had no choice to decline if I had to pay for a room even at a reduced rate. It's not just the room that's the cost, it's getting there, wedding clothes for DC's travelling there, a gift. Going to weddings is expensive if you're on a fixed budget. But that said it's your choice and your right to have the wedding you want, just as it is your guests to tell you thanks but no thanks.

Heebiejeebie that's pretty much exactly what I wanted to say but I don't want all my guests to hate me!

If your guests are flying in it doesn't have to be an hour from Edinburgh as they could fly into Glasgow (which has more flights) and that opens up all of the central belt. Lots of lovely places around Stirling and Glasgow. There's Cameron house, Mar Hall (very close to Airport) and Andy Murrys place in Dunblane to name a few.

Why does it have to be within an hour of Edinburgh? If you broaden it to an hour and a half down to Ayrshire your flying guests could fly in to Glasgow or Prestwick and you would have a lot more options available to you. An hour and a half isn't far to drive for the guests in Edinburgh, that wouldn't bother me at all.

But if it's licensing it will be because they don't want more people than the hotel has capacity to stay. So if you book the rooms for non-stayers anyway, how would that be a licensing issue? Similarly, if it is due to money, they don't lose out if rooms are paid for but empty.

Of course I wouldn't be upset with anyone saying no, just as I wouldn't if we were having it abroad. Likewise we wouldn't expect gifts.

We just thought that given most will need and be paying for some kind of accommodation anyway we may be able to manage it.

My friend attended a similar type wedding venue, whereby, the bride and groom had buy exclusive use of the venue. The venue took full payment from b&g and they agreed, how much the venue would collect from the guests (on behalf of the couple). My friend thought she and her sister could stay over unnoticed and free of charge, in her Grandma's room (their mother was her 'carer' at the wedding) but it was a very posh venue and staff knew each person by name and were well versed on who was staying where. My friend had to pay for one night and left early the next day (it was a three day event). My friend later found out, the b&g were selective about who was charged and rates varied depending on the guest (the bride's side were either covered or paid very little/Groom's side were charged individually and significantly more). Both sides had to travel long distances to attend the wedding.
Personally, if it were me invited, I would not be able to attend because I couldn't afford to.
I agree with previous posters, it's a lot of stress, unless you can afford it comfortably, in the event that your guests don't /can't pay. I would try negotiating with the venue, if you have your heart set on it, they may have a suitable solution.

BTW OP - if you are marrying the right man, surrounded by your friends and family, your wedding will be wonderful wherever you hold it. Don't hold it somewhere that has the potential to upset your guests and cause long term issues and tensions with your loved ones.

Look at some of the other ideas on this thread or visit some other venues - give up the idea of needing evening babysitting provided by the venue (just check they are ok with in-room babysitters who are not residents at the hotel being booked through an agency like sitters.co.uk), or that they have to have both a golf course and a spa. (I had a venue with both, DH did have a round of golf with his DB on the monring of the wedding, but I didn't get to the spa even though I planned to, a million other things distracted me and then suddenly it was time to get my hair done!)

Gleneagles sounds like it could be a dream wedding if you had an extra few grand to throw at booking all the hotel rooms, you don't, so it can't be your dream wedding venue.

Most people will fly to Edinburgh or live in Edinburgh including us so it's logistically easier. It's already a long journey without more than an hour at the other end. Also, gleneagles is easy to get to be train so we'd want the same so people don't need to hire cars etc.

I've done wedding babysitting at Fenton Tower (another lovely venue) - I think you are limiting your options by including spa, gold and c/care onsite!

OP yiu don't seem to be listening to the vast majority of posters!! If you are that set on it, book it, but be prepared for the shit storm!

It seems to me really ally unfair, not to say mistaken, to blame the venue for being money grabbing for this. Basically, as many PPs have said, the cost of hiring this very desirable venue includes the costs of the rooms to accommodate everyone.

If you can afford to pay this, great, it's perfect for you. If you can't, then that's a pity but there it is.

Pushing the cost onto your guests is not really a very nice thing to do. I appreciate than some can afford it, and others not. I can think of no honest way of paying from some and not for others. You might, perhaps, feel OK with paying for them and allowing it to be known within the family that you would welcome anyone who would like to reimburse you the cost of the room.

All the best, I hope you find a venue that works for you.

I knew exactly which venue it would be. This situation is still the talk of my family 10 years after the wedding occurred for all the wrong reasons.