It's a wedding invite one...

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

In an effort to avoid a few posts in here about me later in the year- I need some guidance on how to ensure maximum reasonableness.

So, wedding next year, were about to book venue. Number 1 choice is somewhere we love, it's a bit luxury and a very special place for us. We're having a medium sized wedding c.70 guests. There's nowhere else that compares for us. Now the problem, they have a rule that all guests must be residents in the hotel- everyone must stay. It's expensive. Most guests don't live locally, so realistically would need a hotel room anyway. We don't have the budget to pay for the rooms for everyone. Some of our guest wouldn't bat an eyelid at the cost, some wouldn't be able to afford it. We could probably pay 50% of total room bill in our budget. So subsidise all rooms until they cost £50-75 per person ish? How would we even begin to word it on an invite?

How do we avoid being unreasonable? Should we give up and look elsewhere?

Thanks

I just don't think there's any good way to dress 'I want a posh wedding, and you all have to stump up for it'
Agreed, and the code word is Maui. Is this all about family and friends celebrating the joining of two people in matrimony, or a willy wallet waving exercise?

Seconding a previous poster's suggestion of Old Course or Fairmont in St Andrews - easy to get to (not that much over your 1hr from the airport), lots of hotel options for guests, lots to do for a weekend away and lovely spas/golfing. And without the crazy 'everybody MUST stay' rule!

Well, if you are this determined I guess one idea would be to call each of your potential guests and discuss with them personally.

Carberry tower is amazing. They have one room for the ceremony and the main building itself for the reception we had our meal in a marquee. Beautiful gardens and a travel lodge less than a mile away.
We were at a wedding there last year the couple had it for the weekend and people could stay there or book the travel lodge.
Was one of the best weddings I'd been at and the place was gorgeous.

I'll have a look at carberry

Thing is, if you are considering thinking about paying for the rooms, you could go somewhere else, not have the golf and spa on site and have to get childcare from outside - but then have a few grand extra (as you've not had to pay for/subsidise everyone's rooms!), you could put that behind the bar and have almost a completely free bar.

If they're your closest friends/family who might struggle, can't you canvass their opinions now? Have you already done a save the date?

Send an email to the ones you're worried about: We're thinking of marrying at Gleneagles, it's special to us and we know would be wonderful on the day, but they have a policy of requiring us to have all the guests stay at the hotel. Off-site accommodation in a cheaper hotel or B&B would not be possible. We're very hesitant to ask it of you all, on top of travelling to the wedding anyway - it's a crazy policy which we're worried about. We can't afford to pay for all rooms for everyone, but we would absolutely want to subsidise the cost so that rooms were only £xx per night. Golf, spa and babysitting included. Could you let us know your honest opinions? Please don't worry if the answer is "We couldn't afford that" - your presence is the most important thing to us so we'll look at other more affordable venues if so.

How does the hotel enforce this rule?

What if someone turns up for the wedding just before it starts, but they haven't checked in? do they get escorted off the premises?

What about the law that weddings have to be public and no-one can be turned away because they might have just cause to stop the wedding?

I can see how they might attempt to say people can't be at the reception unless they've checked in, but can they legally actually apply this rule to the ceremony?

What happens if someone just doesn't want to stay overnight, but does want to go to the wedding?Do they have to pay for a room, then get held hostage if they try to leave?

This sounds ridiculous. It isn't just the money, but the whole 'you can't come in' unless someone has checked in.

OP - I'm another one who would just not go to the wedding if this was the situation. I'm also suspicious that once they have your down payment you'll find a whole load of rules about how things are done rather than getting what you actually want.

Only you know your guests and whether you think they would be happy to pay, but if you are determined to go there then I think you need to be prepared for at least some people to decline and probably some of those attending to feel a bit resentful.

Thinking that you need to have a spa and a golf course and on-site childcare is really clouding your judgement (IMO). A large proportion of your guests won't be bothered with any of these things. It's a wedding and a celebration of that, first and foremost. Not a mini-break.

if she was having trouble with childcare, I would have allowed her children to attend (ages 7 and 2) because it wasn't my dislike of children (am a teacher) it was because I didn't want to put undue pressure on the parents and allow them to relax and have a good time!

In my view, that's down to the guest. If they want to come without their children they have the option. It's finding childcare that usually causes the most stress.

As for policing it, the rules will be that they will only set out enough chairs for the ceremony for the number of people in your party who have bought rooms. Likewise place settings etc.

It would not surprise me that, as PP said, they do this to set a tone for the people who will attend. Sigh.

You may find that all your guests will choose to stay there anyway. But the problem is, there's really no way of wording your invitation without it basically saying "You're invited to our wedding, the entrance fee is...."

OP- You're clearly not changing your mind.

What I find really astonishing is the idea you have that Gleneagles is the only place that will have the reception in the same building as where the children will be, and that the service is good.

I think that almost every hotel that does weddings ticks this box. You are making excuse after excuse, but they don't hold water.

You could phone a guest and ask if they can afford it, but frankly that's rude of you and embarrassing for them. They are almost guaranteed not to share private financial information with you, and will probably tell you what you want to hear. Then once they've put the phone down they'll say "Oh shit, I've just agreed to go to a wedding in Gleneagles and it's going to eat into the money we've saved for holidays/the overdraft/the credit card bill."

Also, if I'm going to a wedding, I don't want to go the bloody spa, I can do that any time.

You seem utterly determined to go ahead and seem to think that the right wording will make it OK.

Guests have very long memories of weddings that have pissed them off.

MissB - I've said I'll have a look at several other venues that have been suggested. I've also been to many terrible hotel weddings, with no atmosphere, crap service or overpriced 'conference' food. that's why I hoped to be able to have something a little bit more.

Raffles is right. If you have to question the price you can't afford it. They're not desperate for your business and can make their own rules up.

Isn't anyone else humming "Hotel California," by the glenEagles?

Hoi polloi are the common people.

And be flabbergasted as they have no security gatehouse. Even non-millionaires can wonder in for lunch..

pluck

Wander in in wonder.

I've also been to many terrible hotel weddings, with no atmosphere, crap service or overpriced 'conference' food. that's why I hoped to be able to have something a little bit more.

And I've been to many wonderful weddings that were not at Gleneagles. The best atmosphere comes from happy guests.

Gin, that's so unreasonable of the hotel that I'd look for somewhere else for that reason alone.

On top of that, there does not seem an elegant way around the all-must-stay rule.

At a push, I'd put something like this in the invite...

"The venue enforces a strict Resident Only policy which means your acceptance should be given on the understanding that you will be staying over. Due to the usually high cost of these bedrooms, we are covering 50% of the room rate, which would mean the room would cost you £Xx for the night. We do not desire any gifts, and whilst we appreciate the room rate is higher than what you may spend on a gift, we would appreciate your company at our wedding and joining us the following morning for breakfast"

how much would this cost a couple, for their room, with you paying the 50%?

It is easily possible to go into Gleneagles Hotel grounds, park, wander around the grounds, go into the hotel, browse the shops. The grounds are open without a barrier. Last year I was staying in Auchterarder at a friend's place and while he and dh were playing golf (at Auchterarder Golf Club, not Gleneagles), I went for a long walk, which including walking round the Kings, Queen's and Monarch's Gleneagles golf courses and through the (beautifully maintained) gardens, as well as a wee meander window shopping through their wee shopping mall.

So, like others have already said, I can't see how they could stop people going to the ceremony.

However, the reception would be more difficult and you really don't want that angst on your wedding about whether your guests will be "allowed" to attend if you'd somehow managed to break their rules.

I think it is indeed a case of "they are popular enough and make enough money already" that they can set their own restrictive Ts & Cs.

Can't believe I hadnt seen carberry tower- will show DP tonight, I really like the look of it and never been