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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my friends daughter?

397 replies

Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 06:24

Am thinking yes.

She's 3. (I know, there are going to be a tonne of outraged SHE'S 3 posts. But stay with me.)

She demands to be carried everywhere. Won't go in the pushchair (she's a bit on the big side for it anyway) and friend has a younger DD as well who is 9 months and is generally carried in a sling or pushchair. So either friend has to struggle and stagger with the weight of two children or carry one on her hip with the other in the pushchair,

She wants what she wants immediately. Now. She will scream she wants a tissue. Friend gives her a tissue. She will continue screaming and screaming that she wants a tissue. These screaming fits are pretty much constant.

The younger child is pretty much ignored since friend is constantly dealing with older one, and you can't talk to friend at all due to behaviour of child 1.

So here are my questions - AIBU to think friend should possibly be encouraging child NOT to behave like this, and avoid friend because of it? The screaming is hard on the ears.

And when do they behave like humans? This child will be starting school in 16 months and surely won't be behaving like this then?

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 22/04/2016 09:22

I've said it once I've said it a million times: parenting is one of the hardest jobs to do, but one of the easiest things to have an opinion about....especially when you don't have kids of your own.
There's nothing wrong with not being able to to warm to a child - I take my 12mo to a play group regularly, and there is one particular child that I dread being there everytime - but I don't dislike the child. I dislike his behaviour, and the fact that his mum is oblivious to the fact that he stomps through the place hitting/kicking/biting/snatching from other children.
The last incident involving my DD's face being grabbed by him (nails drew blood and bruised around her eye), I calmly spoke to mother about her son's behaviour, and raised it to her that her son is 4 and old enough to know that hitting a baby is wrong. She was mortified and genuinely wasn't aware he had done it on numerous occasions. Fast forward to the following week, and the same little boy kicked another boy, his mum saw, and he immediately said sorry to the other boy.
If your friends DD's behaviour bothers you so much, either meet her at a time where she doesn't have the children, or subtly drop it into conversation ie "does DD do that at home or is she being a typical kid and showing off in front of company?"....you never know, your friend might open up to you if she is struggling with behaviour issues.

bakeoffcake · 22/04/2016 09:22

I think she knows you can't stand her and she's just decided to annoy you.

Three year olds are very perceptiveGrin

Jemappelle · 22/04/2016 09:22

Op doesn't have kids.

Come on MNers we need a Fred like this once a fortnight ish don't we?! Last one was a non parent coming to teach us how wrong we are to let kids change our lives.

Biscuit
Devilishpyjamas · 22/04/2016 09:22

You can't be suggesting she enjoys being that difficult? Of course it's exhausting whining & screaming & being frustrated and cross all the time.

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2016 09:22

They do say Fanjo that if you put the work in early you'll be rewarded in spades when they're older. I hope so! Ds is certainly now heading in the right direction, so it appears to be paying off.

Theimpossiblegirl · 22/04/2016 09:22

Does it work the other way? Will the delightful toddlers be awful teens?

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2016 09:24

Hadn't thought of that Theimpossible. I'm currently pregnant and beginning to hope for another troublesome threenager.

Devilishpyjamas · 22/04/2016 09:25

My delightful toddler ds2 is a typical PITA teen. Self centred (that's a 14 year old's job) within the family. He's still pretty charming outside the house. Rude at home, polite outside.

It's the behaviour away from you that is most important I think.

Therealyellowwiggle · 22/04/2016 09:25

Of course it's fine not to like a certain child, or to find the behaviour annoying.
She is not being like "Veruca Salt" however who was what, ten? It is a developmental stage.
Your posts come across as very smug. Are you like that in RL? The problem will probably resolve itself as your friend will invite you less and less to join them.

DixieNormas · 22/04/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/04/2016 09:30

Oh no! Ds, who has been a joy since day one, is going to turn into a Kevin on his 13th birthday, isn't he? Sad

HumphreyCobblers · 22/04/2016 09:32

God I have thought STFU brat about my OWN children.

Don't write off having children of your own because of your reaction to this child. She DOES sound very annoying to be around. I had a child who was annoying to be around too and I didn't expect other people to put up with the screaming etc to be honest. I tried very hard to socialise him out of it and it worked (he is NT). There are various possibilities for your friend, her child could have SN and she is approaching it appropriately or she could not and she is failing to give boundaries. Who knows? Only by asking your friend could you find out and that is not really appropriate.

Original poster
Thebrowntrout · 22/04/2016 09:32

I don't think she (friend) sees the child's behaviour as anything out of the ordinary. She has a happy life, is all I mean.

OP posts:
WexlerandMcGill · 22/04/2016 09:32

YABU. This could have been written about me.
I have a 3yoDD who's behaviour was very similar. We recently found out she has a serious stomach problem which means it's very painful for her to walk more than a few steps at a time.
And because of the pain she acted like a brat, was demanding, impatient, and seems a generally miserable child.
It was very draining and upsetting for me as I love DD very much but I was being humiliated and judged every time we stepped out the front door.
What I am saying is, you don't know what may be causing her behaviour and your friend is probably very upset by it.
She is 3, she is not able to articulate what she is feeling yet. She could have a wide range of issues that are affecting her behaviour.
Have some empathy for your friend and support her. Don't judge her

witsender · 22/04/2016 09:33

You know what they say...opinions are like arseholes...

However when they have no basis in experience or knowledge they are best left unvoiced to avoid looking like a dick.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 22/04/2016 09:33

I used to put my three year old in a pushchair as he would just bolt. Better to be judged for him being pushed aged three than squashed flat by a vehicle.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 22/04/2016 09:36

Said three year old was an immensely annoying child also, if I thought so i'm pretty sure others do! he is nine now and generally very laid back but still has annoying whiny traits that surface from time to time, as do all human beings. He can also be very humorous and a joy to be around. Nobody is on top form all the time, why do kids have to be judged so harshly?

zeezeek · 22/04/2016 09:36

I don't like children either. Sometimes I don't even like my own. Why is it ok for parents to admit that they find a child's behaviour awful, but childless people are supposed to not have an opinion?

MattDillonsPants · 22/04/2016 09:40

It sounds like the child has additional needs which may as of yet, gone unnoticed. My friend has a son and a younger DD. The son has special needs which at 3 hadn't been DXd. He was like this...sucking up all of the time available and I never once thought "Gosh I don't like him"

I thought "I think he has SN" and worked out how to help.

Ickythumpsmum · 22/04/2016 09:41

My two DS could be described as wildlings at the age of 2. You wouldn't believe how tough and structured and unrelenting I had to be to get them to behave to a reasonable standard. I would watch other mothers guide gently, and it would work for them.

I wasn't fun to hang out with because I was always stopping them leaping in the pool/ keeping them from climbing the highest climbing frame in the park / dancing on tables in cafes. I bloody stopped them every time. Sanctions every time. Praise when it was due. It was hard work. Mumsnet helped.

Maybe she doesn't deal with her kid effectively because she is aware she is being judged.

It's not the mothers fault - she has a strong willed child! As long as she keeps on top of it, her child will get there.

DS1 now controls himself. I'm delighted. I'm so proud of him and taking care of him is easy. He can sit in the company of adults and keep himself happily entertained all day with Lego and books or a cycle around the garden. Not so when he was 2. He was a demon.
Some kids are hard work at different stages and it's oh so easy to blame the mother.

QueenofallIsee · 22/04/2016 09:42

I will happily tell you that I have met various children that I actively dislike. Also know children that I found unbearable at 3 but became lovely later (My wonderful niece is a delightful 8 year old but was god-awful aged 3-6). Kids are not a different species, they are people and some of them have personalities that grate. Your mates kid might grow out of it, she might not but its no reflection on you to not enjoy watching someone's monstrous 3 year old screaming and generally being a pain in the arse. That's not even fun when you love the child in question, never mind when you barely know them

I have 4 children so I guess I am allowed an opinion.

ButterfliesinSpring · 22/04/2016 09:43

Hahahahahahahahahahaha OP!

I could have written this before I had a child

Now I have one I still sometimes want a straight jacket and gag, or to smack him "out of it" but that's neither appropriate, legal or actually going to solve anything.

Sadly my magical parenting skills didn't prevent a tantrumming 3 year old

PregnantAndEngaged · 22/04/2016 09:45

I'm sorry but I'm also in the "she's 3!" crowd. Sometimes parents CAN'T control how their children behave as much as they do their best. Alternatively, maybe she is struggling and what kind of friend would you be to avoid her because she is struggling. Maybe she isn't supermum and she's not enjoying the situation either. Maybe she secretly feels shit and embarrassed about it and doesn't know what to do. I expect she would be devastated if she found out her "friend" was judging her parenting.

The child is 3. She'll grow out of it eventually. If she's still like this when she's a teenager, then I think it wouldn't be unreasonable to dislike her.

SaucyJack · 22/04/2016 09:45

Yep, the nice toddlers get worse and worse. My darling DD2 who was "genuinely pleasant company" as a three year old has now developed a sulky, PA martyr streak a mile wide. Classic middle child syndrome in her case.

bumblingbovine49 · 22/04/2016 09:47

When I was 16 I got a Saturday job in a local shop. The elderly couple who owned it were lovely and had known me since I was a toddler as mum used to shop in there. One Saturday a customer came in with a baby and a small 2-3 year old toddler. The toddler behaved absolutely horrendously, pulling wool and stuff off shelves (was a knitting/craft type shop), shouting, crying, running, throwing themseleves on the floor , demanding stuff etc.

When they had left I started to commenting about them to the owner. He replied that he had know me as a toddler and remembered that my behaviour in the shop had often been very similar when I used to come in with my mum and baby sister. He said that at the time he had genuinely thought I was the most unpleasant child he had ever met as my behaviour was pretty consistently bad. He admitted that he had thought I would grow up to be an awful adult. He also said that since I had started working for him, he had realised that I had turned into a lovely, perfectly pleasant person (teenager the time) and he had since stopped making any predictions about on what kind of people toddlers would turn out to be.

In fact I was known as "the screamer" in my house as a small child,;standing in front of the TV with my hands on my hips, shouting, was apparently a favourite
pass-time of mine. I am really not like this any more and am quite a nice person honest!

OP What I am trying to say is that small children who scream (and even hit out) will not necessarily be unpleasant older children/teens/adults. If you plan for your friend to be in your life for a long time, you will see the 3 year old grow up. Give her a chance and as she gets older you may find she is easier to be around and you might find she is more easy to like. This may not happen of course but you really can't tell this yet and deciding what sort of person she is at the moment will only make things harder. Even if you don't like her now (understandable really given the behaviour), keep an open mind and keep trying to be as nice as you can to her. Over time things may well improve. Even if they don't, what have you lost by doing that?

Alternatively you can decide to stop seeing your friend until you can see her without the children, but that is risky and may result in the loss of your friendship. only you can decide if it is worth that .