Genuine mistake by form tutor or does she really believe this?

[MyballsareSandy2015]

DD(15) has anxiety issues relating to sickness and other illnesses resulting in her being off school quite a lot. Her attendance is approx 89%, but things are slowly improving. I do my very best to get her into school but at the moment I feel her mental health is more important than school.

I've always kept school informed by phone, but recently received a letter saying that her attendance is unacceptable and they need to get the Educational welfare officer involved. They also mentioned that any further absences would be recorded as an 'unauthorised absence' even if I rang in, which I obv always do.

So I thought it was time to create a record of my explanations to school, in case they are needed in the future with the EWO. I wrote to DDs form tutor, copying in HoY explaining in detail DDs anxiety issues, emetophobia etc and assuring then I was doing my utmost to get her into school as often as possible.

Opened up a reply email from form tutor, it was rather brief:

"Mum making excuses"

Followed a few minutes later by another email apologising profusely, saying she had several emails open at once and that reply was meant to go to another teacher regarding a mother whose child hadn't been attending revision sessions.

Thoughts please. I haven't replied yet.

Focus on what's important: your daughter needs professional help and support if her anxiety is affecting her to this degree. The EWO may actually help- theyre not there to be difficult. Otherwise you need a referral to CAMHS.
Forget the email. Don't be distracted by it. Focus on getting professional help.

I too have a similar problem with my 10 year old son who suffers from severe eczema, asthma and cellulitis thus meaning when he has a severe case of any of the above we are instructed by both our GP and Dermotology consultant that he is not to attend school due to increased infection risk, like yourself we have recently received a letter from his school regarding his attendance and the need to get their family support worker involved. His attendance level was 87% this year so far (he was hospitalised for 2 weeks with facial cellulitis) and again like yourself my sons wellbeing is much more important to me then his schooling at this time and as I'm sure any parent would agree due to the fact this is most prominent to his face and therefore he is very easy picking for bullies (and yes kids can be cruel without thinking) I will NOT under any circumstances send him to school when he is infected. Anyway getting back to your point regarding the email you received I would honestly say although obviously not meant for you, I would agree that it was probably about you to a colleague and therefore is totally unacceptable, regardless if this was about another parent the same applies. We as parents do our best and do not need comments like the one you received.

Report it to the head and ask for a full explanation and apology

I agree wholly with newdocket. You should be professional at all times. If it should need to be referred higher, it is imperative you are seen to be professional and reasonable at all times. Do not be malicious and state that your daughter's welfare is your number 1 priority (which you have already expressed is the case). Responding otherwise will do you no good.

Remember the bits people have posted about data protection as well these will be important should you be forced to take further action.

Haha she's handed you some power in your record keeping!

This happened to me when a near psychopath I was working with who was having trouble selling his usual lies to me sent an email saying to others he thought it was 'unhealthy ' for him to deal with me. His perceived power disappeared in his own mind. This is clearly a reflection of he shitty attitude and warrand a swift copy in to giverners saying 'can we have a meeting to discuss this asap.

The things is, I don't think you CAN just brush this teacher's response under the table. It's too revealing of what the school/this teacher clearly thinks.

The teacher then lied in her cover-up response to you, which makes it difficult to use this 'mum making excuses' message in a calm and sensible approach to the school, as you're effectively calling her a liar.

I think I would call a meeting with the teacher and the head, to discuss your DD's condition. Go armed with the info from the GP/specialists. Discuss this email, and say that unfortunately you can't believe the teacher's response and that this was in fact sent to you in error and IS about you. It's much more likely than any other explanation. Then say that you're concerned that this reflects the wider lack of understanding of your daughter's condition in the school, and is extremely troubling as you need to work with the school to resolve these problems.

Then say 'let's put that behind us and work together on this'. Don't get angry.

I am angry enough for you!

Sorry your DD is going through this.

Just reply saying " Teacher being unprofessional ' then email a few minutes later saying Oops sorry - that was meant for someone else. That'll let her know you know. Then you can let her stew.

You're the only one who can advocate for your daughter. I used to worry about what I said to my son's ( he's on the spectrum ) teachers but then I realised that I was the only one who could help him and I couldn't do that if I wasn't being honest and saying what I felt. I was always professional but above all honest and I began to realise that you can't pussyfoot around serious issues that affect your children. You're in the right, she's in the wrong, enjoy the view from the high moral ground.

... oh , also meant to say not only a) has she been unprofessional but
b) she's then been devious and tried to lie her way out of it.
Totally unacceptable.

I agree with those who have said this teacher's mistake is a Red Letter Day for you. This marks the time when you need to up your game and start preparing a documented, evidence file on your daughter's issues and why she isn't accessing school. This can be done on your own and should be, in case you ever need to do go down the EHCP route.

I wasn't sure by your response if you DID get a referral for CAMHS and are still waiting to be seen or if you decided not to go down that route because it was such a long waiting list. If you have got a referral, excellent, that needs to be in the file with a note of appointments attended at GP and if you didn't get a referral then I would get back to the GP and insist on it. Do not be fobbed off. Any other evidence, including behavioural evidence witnessed at home can be used alongside the professional medical evidence. Additionally you need to know how a typical day is for your daughter at school and identify the points where she needs support. Having support through trigger points of the day may help encourage her back to school because she will know that help will be there for her.

In relation to the email from the teacher; pfft. She was ignorant, unprofessional and is clearly not somebody that has any interest in supporting your daughter. THAT SAID, she is part of the school staff and has to abide by professional guidelines and any support plans in place for the children. I would not accept her apology but would ignore both emails, filing them for potential future use should this avenue descend into something more and you require evidence of the school approach. I have done this on at least 2 occasions upon receipt of emails from a school head and a local authority member of staff discussing myself. It's not nice, it hurts but it's also illuminating and that is the most productive approach to her mistake. I still went on to be that parent, obtaining everything my child needed to access school and I will always be that parent until she can stand on her own two feet. In fact staff take me seriously first time now and I have far less issues than I used to. When I think about it, most of my friends are that parent too! It's being a mum, isn't it? It's what we do when our child needs our help with something that is way bigger than they can deal with themselves.

Good luck. I hope your daughter gets the support with her condition that will enable her to return to school and enjoy her teen years.

Hey balls you need a letter from a medic to say your daughter has anxiety etc. then you can take it to your school to get authorised absence. after that take up the issue of the note with the head.

As much as it would please me to send a snarky reply, I wouldn't. I'd use this to my advantage, ask for a meeting with HT and do what Gnu said.

"I don't care what you think of me. I'm not here to make trouble for you personally or to make trouble for the school. I want us to work together to get my daughter the help she needs, which will enable her to attend school without fear or anxiety".

Not had time to read all the responses but if your daughter has, or can maybe request, any formal support from a professional, CAMHS , GP even, or a diagnosis, then you might want to say something similar to BeatrixBugund above and also remind them they have a duty to support her - hope the link below works: www.gov.uk/government/publications/supporting-pupils-at-school-with-medical-conditions--3

I think that you could use this to your advantage., but don't make it hostile if you don't have to.

Get the EWO on side, see the GP, document EVERYTHING and keep this twat of teacher's email in your back pocket to pull out when you need to illustrate that the school is dealing with you child's condition in a sympathetic manner.

My first response would be to go off like a rocket but this won't help anyone, you need this teacher in your pocket, they will be feeling vulnerable now for displaying such unkindness let alone unprofessionalism.
Also, remember you cam always request a Subject Access request, t and everything that has been said on email or in writing about you /or daughter has to be produced by the school.

As to the immediate response, say
" I'd like to focus on my daughter if that's ok" and carry one don't say "its ok" or have a go, just don't refer to it.

Good luck x

So many typos in my last response, meant to say to show ISNT being sympathetic

After with corythatwas, also as someone who has had to have similar conversations etc with the school. DO NOT LEAVE THIS. It is a clear indication of their view which will not help you if EWO get involved and will not help your daughter with her anxiety if she feels she is not believed by the school. However DO NOT get emotional however emotional you feel. Be firm, consistent and calmly insistent in all your negotiations about your daughter and what she and you need from them. Corythatwas' response hits the tone perfectly I think. Good luck! I think dealing with the school regarding my son was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I was successful and now my son is happy and off to uni in Sept. Something I never thought I would see at one point.

I've made exactly the same mistake as the teacher. I replied instead of forwarding and included something unprofessional and in appropriate by way of message.

Up to there I have sympathy with the teacher.

After that she lost my sympathy by not owning up to her mistake and apologising, which is what I did. I called the person I offended, apologised profusely without making any excuses, and apologised to my colleagues who had to pick up the added fallout.

If you choose to ignore a mistake I'm afraid you can expect people to say something about it.

In your shoes I'd acknowledge her error, that you believe it's clear she doesn't actually believe your daughter or you, and that you hope she can move past this as you intend to, and in future provide the appropriate support.

You can acknowledge what she's done without being an arse.

Not the question you were asking, but if it's any help I suffered horribly with emetophobia right up until having my first baby - at 38 weeks pregnant I knew I had to do something so had hypnotherapy with a brilliant woman in North London. It changed my life, just wish I hadn't waited 30 years to do it. Just wondered (if you haven't already) if it might help your daughter. I was very sceptical but it worked like magic! Hope the school situation improves. It must be awful for her and hard all round.

Not hypnotherapy! Hypnosis!

Oooo I could write a book on this. I am more concerned that they are clearly not hearing you (google 'Children and Young Peoples Plan' and 'Every Child Matters'
Are the school aware of your dd's difficulties and has she been involved with any other professionals who could support you. The school should be referring to camhs for support not ESW to penalise.
From personal experience I would not ignore this and do not believe it was an error. My experience with ESW has been shocking, they are bullies and have behaved extremely unprofessional to the point of legal action (me on them) and several policies being changed.
I now challenge every failure by email (as recorded) if they phone me as they often do (as no record) I email straight away to clarify the conversation in writing, I repeat 'everything' they said. I am 16k into a negligence case now and winning.
I personally would be emailing the HT, if they ask you to meet take someone with you. I also would not give benefit of doubt, they will not for you and no matter how upset/angry they make you, stay professional and polite at all times or they will use that too. Good luck, I wish you and your dd well and pm me if I can help

I would use it to your benefit ask for a meeting with the Head set out the situation and ask if you GP would be willing to write. I would also have a look on the school website to see if they have any policies set out on absence management. If they have that would be useful if not I would not highlight the issue.
Bottom line I would be positive, stress that child's health and well being most important and perhaps see if there are any catch up tutoring that might be available or recomended?

Yes, the teacher meant you.
Very sorry for your DD as my DS also had problems. I received letters of concern regarding attendance. In reality, they are concerned about how poor attendance will affect their OFSTED report, not how it impacts on the child’s education. I have seen this from the inside.
My advice would be to go to GP to get some sort of referral to a youth counsellor/mental health worker. The school SENCO must be made aware of the situation and a meeting set up for you with the SENCO, Head of Year etc to discuss the problems. Even better if, once you have found some outside help via the GP, for them to have input to the meeting, even if by letter. You must make it official as soon as you can.
Awful while it lasts, but one day your DD will be free of school. My DS is much happier now that he has done his A Levels. Getting up and going to work isn’t a problem. School just doesn’t suit some people.

My resting e mail as if it's a private chat is foolish but sometimes it happens . It's clearly NOT a reply but a forward gone wrong . However the pressure on tutors to achieve attendance targets is the root cause of this and teachers are being bullied into treating all absences as excuses .
I would also say that issues with going to school are not solved by staying away . Got to work together .

It's quite possible you weren't the ONLY mother making excuses. But in any case, will getting the teacher into trouble help anyone or anything?

Something that's keeping the girl out of school one day in 10 needs more justification than "a note from Mum".

"That aside the real issue here is the attendance. With such a low attendance percentage schools have no choice but to follow it up we cannot just take your word for why she is off... You need to take it down the correct route ie Dr needs to see your DD and actually diagnose her anxiety and have this passed the school. Then the school can follow this up accordingly and work with you. If you turn it into a battle because of one email I don't think ultimately you will help yourself or your DD which should be the priority for both you and the school!"

I think that's very sensible.

I hope you can work together to help your DD

Forget this 'error'. You have much more serious things to worry about, your child is missing her education and suffering. She needs to be getting proper professional support, if this is in place great, you have nothing to worry about because you have all the documentation and the school have to support your daughter even if it means home schooling. The question here is, if you have involved professionals, why haven't you informed the school? If you haven't sought support yet, you will be deemed negligent. The EWO needs to be involved because your daughter's welfare is at stake. The school would be failing in their legal duty if they did not investigate. If you are not taking appropriate action like it or not, you are just making excuses. Parents have responsibilities too. Teacher, School Governor and parent.

I think this episode really highlights the attitudes many people have to mental health problems, that they are in some way less serious than physical health issues and all anybody needs to do is pull themselves together. It's shocking that a child would have to wait a year or more for specialist mental health support - if that was cancer treatment people would be marching on the streets. And the teachers dismissive attitude (I am absolutely sure she hit 'reply' instead of 'forward!) Is probably typical of what many people think.