Genuine mistake by form tutor or does she really believe this?

[MyballsareSandy2015]

DD(15) has anxiety issues relating to sickness and other illnesses resulting in her being off school quite a lot. Her attendance is approx 89%, but things are slowly improving. I do my very best to get her into school but at the moment I feel her mental health is more important than school.

I've always kept school informed by phone, but recently received a letter saying that her attendance is unacceptable and they need to get the Educational welfare officer involved. They also mentioned that any further absences would be recorded as an 'unauthorised absence' even if I rang in, which I obv always do.

So I thought it was time to create a record of my explanations to school, in case they are needed in the future with the EWO. I wrote to DDs form tutor, copying in HoY explaining in detail DDs anxiety issues, emetophobia etc and assuring then I was doing my utmost to get her into school as often as possible.

Opened up a reply email from form tutor, it was rather brief:

"Mum making excuses"

Followed a few minutes later by another email apologising profusely, saying she had several emails open at once and that reply was meant to go to another teacher regarding a mother whose child hadn't been attending revision sessions.

Thoughts please. I haven't replied yet.

I would reply

'Teacher making excuses!'

IME of dealing with persistent absence (90% or less) we have parents who will keep students at home for a whole range of reasons. This can and does include what are perceived to be 'excuses' which may explain the email assuming and yes, I do believe it was about you regardless of the backtracking. I have dealt with parents whose children will be kept home for really quite reasons. It may be the school, for whatever reason, are perceiving your communication about your DD's absence to a greater or lesser extent as excuses especially without any sort of medical evidence. Now I am not saying this is the case with you and your DD. You have clearly explained in your OP what the issues are so you now need to formalise this with the school. EWO's and schools want to work with parents to ensure their child is in school as much as possible. Schools are under enormous pressure from LEA's and Ofsted to ensure their attendance figures can stand up to scrutiny. With this is mind it can become difficult for a school to justify persistent absence without medical evidence.

If you can arrange to meet with the relevant member(s) of staff and bring with you medical evidence this will go on your DD's file and will mean absences can then be authorised under a 'Medical' code. This will also be an opportunity to discuss and agree the best way forward to ensure the best possible outcome for your DD.

Teacher making excuses wins my vote too.
Sounds like you need to get in there and have a meeting and asap.

Reply to the second email with 'teacher making excuses' and then send a follow up saying 'so very sorry that wasn't about you'

Even if it was about another person, it is still very unprofessional. It's the sort of thing you moan about with colleagues in the staff room, not put in writing. Silly teacher! She won't get sacked nor does she deserve it but she needs a gentle slap on the wrist.

I agree with other posters that you'd be best off just brushing it off; the teacher will have had a shock in sending it and this will probably be a warning enough!

And also agree that you need to be collecting evidence for her condition and for every absence.

Definitely about you. Not professional but honestly I can see how it'd happen and let's face it most of us aren't professional 100% of the time.

Is your Dd receiving treatment for the anxiety? Why is she missing school? I ask because I have anxiety and emetephobia and whilst it's debilitating it's really crucial that she doesn't avoid things that make her anxious. I know it's terrifying but it really really doesn't help her mental health.

I'm sure I'm probably teaching my grandma to suck eggs but it's tempting to see someone suffering and want to fix it by taking the worry away but it's really the opposite of what's useful.

As PP have said - effect to believe it, and respond to her by forwarding scanned copies of all the various doctor's notes/letters etc as attachments on your response, and say that you are just reminding her of all the previous discussions etc you've had with her, and you'd appreciate a meeting asap so you can decide together on the best way to support your daughter through this.

I have been your dd and couldn't read and run. Keep fighting for your dd, this is one of the times you may need a thick skin and be ok with being that mother. But your dd needs you because she's not able to fight everything outside her own head at the moment because she's busy fighting inside her head.

I had horrendous emetophobia when I was her age, at sixth form I used to eat dry bread at lunch because I was so scared of food poisoning that I restricted my diet so much. I'm 30 now and still have some anxiety around vomit, especially when contagious, and I differ with anxiety and depression for which I'm medicated. BUT I live a normal life, go to work, have a relationship, volunteer and go to camp, I even worked in the health centre at camp last year and faced increased anxiety over d&v but I did it. Emet does NOT rule my life anymore. And in time, with help and support, it won't rule your dd's either for you both

I wouldn't waste my time responding at all. As a pp said, you now know exactly how supportive your DD's form tutor will be (not at all: responding to her wholly unprofessional emails won't change that). You should not be sharing your daughter's medical history with people who are not able to treat confidential information with respect and professionalism.

Use the time saved on not dealing with the form tutor on getting your medical evidence in place, and dealing directly with the EWO.

I do feel for you. My teenage daughter had a period of poor mental health last year and had a fair bit of tIme off school. Fortunately we are not in the UK and DD's school were completely supportive.

People make mistakes all the time - it's what you do when they happen that counts - providing the mistake isn't gross negligence with far reaching implications - in this case the teacher has treated the mistake badly compounding the initial error.

Accept teachers apology - causing an issue won't help.

Have you contacted medical professionals? Is your dd seeing a psychologist? I think you need to back yourself up with letters from the medical profession - stating dd problems, how they cause issues and how your working on them?

I had a run in with BUPA last year and a lawyer at the insurance broker sent me an email that was supposed to go to her colleague (we have the same first name) making all sorts of bizarre assertions behind my back that were easily verified as being completely untrue, so I wrote a very polite email pointing out all the areas of factual error and suggested she might want to look at improving her data protection skills before someone reported her organisation to the ICO.

No reply.

What was really interesting was quite how revealing it was in showing that she had failed to read any of the relevant documentation properly and yet taken it upon herself to repeatedly block a perfectly valid insurance claim, instructing her colleagues to do the same, all the more surprising when you consider she was not representing BUPA and the broker was supposed to be advocating for me. By then BUPA had paid up because they had made a mistake with the name of my condition and realised I was covered, but the broker didn't even know they had done that, she just assumed they hadn't. What an idiot.

Moral.

People in positions of responsibility are sometimes disrespectful but you rarely get to find this out. When you do, you have all the power and you can completely nail them forever. If you do this, they will leave your daughter alone. Hell, they might even try to be supportive.

I'm in the 'these things happen' camp. It wasn't malicious and she might not have meant it. As suggested by a PP, I'd reply 'not to worry, these things happen'.

I also agree with the PP who said that you should never put anything in writing that you wouldn't want the 'subject' to read.

Ps - I would reply "please don't insult my intelligence, please have the courtesy to admit your mistake, I understand they happen. However this highlights a point of concern for me that my daughter is not receiving the support she requires from the school during a v difficult time so in order to move forward I would appreciate a full meeting to discuss her issues and work out a plan to mitigate the impact to her education and to understand how the school can support her in this."

Log all GP visits about the anxiety. If you haven't seen a GP already, do ASAP.

We had an Education welfare visit with 92% attendance. She was very very nice and supportive. Had a full range of facts including DS's academic performance to hand. Rewarded good attendance, helped DS through some bullying issues and really wanted to help solve any issues.

As tempting as it is, please don't use the 'teacher making excuses' reply. You might feel a bit better for half a second but what positive effect will it half in the long term? Not a lot.

Better use it to your advantage to demonstrate that the school have not been supportive.

Wholly inexcusable from the teacher- so unprofessional and I cringe at the made up excuse. However, don't get distracted: focus is getting the support that your daughter needs.

As a teacher, this is why I strongly believe nothing should be on email that you wouldn't be happy with a parent seeing. I think it's rude, but for the sake of a good relationship, pretend you believe it and move on.

I really hope your daughter's anxieties pass

Teachers are human, it was a mistake, regardless of whether it was about you or not. Let it go. The pastoral head is the one to talk to, not the form tutor, just to reinforce the issue.

Another vote for replying to the second email with 'teacher making excuses'.

After 10 minutes send another email, apologising for the first one, saying it was about another teacher altogether, not anyone at your school borrow my sister if you like she's a teacher .

Dear teacher,

Treating my daughters medical condition with such utter contempt is totally disrespectful and not the way a professional like yourself should behave.
I had hoped that we could work together to improve my daughters mental health, and hence her attendance, clearly this will not be possible.
Please give me the contact details of your senior who is willing to work with me to help my daughter and not discriminate against her mental health issues.

Regards op

What Foff says.

Teacher has made it clear she doesn't believe what you have told her about your DD and that she is not supportive.

She needs to be removed from the situation and someone who understands your DDs problems involved instead.

While I can see anyone can press end to the wrong person, I'm another who is that teacher could even type such thing. I always assume that anyone who is mentioned in an email is entitled to read it, and proceed accordingly.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm glad I didn't respond to the email immediately when pissed off as I almost did!

This is all very helpful.

To answer some of your questions:

DD has seen various GPs over the last few months, so they do have this on her record which I presumably can get copies of for the EWO.

I suggested CAHMS but was told as DD isn't self harming or suicidal it could be a very long wait. A year +

Other than this issue DD is happy at this school and has lovely friends. She would hate to move schools and home schooling isn't an option,she would hate it and I have to work. My work are being incredibly understanding and allowing me to work from home a lot, as DD is often more willing to go in if she knows I'm at home and could pick her up if needed.althiugh that's never happened. Once she's actualky in school she seems ok, it's the getting ready and getting in there.

I think someone asked why she is off school. I agree it's making the whole situation worse by not going in, and Ive explained this to her 100 times,but I can't force a teen to get dressed and get out the house. I'm

I'm disappointed by her email, it does show completely that she has no understanding of this or compassion, pretty shit really. I know DD is one of many in her busy working life but even so.

How do I get in touch with the EWO? I'm not sure they were named in the letter, good idea to get in there first and explain the situation.