Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuine mistake by form tutor or does she really believe this?

157 replies

MyballsareSandy2015 · 20/04/2016 18:03

DD(15) has anxiety issues relating to sickness and other illnesses resulting in her being off school quite a lot. Her attendance is approx 89%, but things are slowly improving. I do my very best to get her into school but at the moment I feel her mental health is more important than school.

I've always kept school informed by phone, but recently received a letter saying that her attendance is unacceptable and they need to get the Educational welfare officer involved. They also mentioned that any further absences would be recorded as an 'unauthorised absence' even if I rang in, which I obv always do.

So I thought it was time to create a record of my explanations to school, in case they are needed in the future with the EWO. I wrote to DDs form tutor, copying in HoY explaining in detail DDs anxiety issues, emetophobia etc and assuring then I was doing my utmost to get her into school as often as possible.

Opened up a reply email from form tutor, it was rather brief:

"Mum making excuses" Shock

Followed a few minutes later by another email apologising profusely, saying she had several emails open at once and that reply was meant to go to another teacher regarding a mother whose child hadn't been attending revision sessions.

Thoughts please. I haven't replied yet.

OP posts:
Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 08:09

Dear tutor. Dd has seen the Gp many times. She is unable to access CHAMS as she's not suicidal.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 08:10

... If you can work with DD to improve her attendance, that would be great.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 08:11

You need to keep the tutor informed

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 08:12

However mental health issues might be beyond the teachers comprehension.

t4gnut · 21/04/2016 08:40

You're doing everything you can - schools and EWOs get all stress about attendance. It's the school that gets scrutinised about attendance. Don't worry about it. You can evidence you're doing all you can - turn it back on them and ask how they're going to support particularly in light of an insensitive email that shows a lack of understanding.

Spandexpants007 · 21/04/2016 09:04

Yes I agree that the email was particularly insensitive

fascicle · 21/04/2016 09:24

Scarydinosaurs
As a teacher, this is why I strongly believe nothing should be on email that you wouldn't be happy with a parent seeing.

I agree. I'm not a teacher but I apply a similar principle to any e-mail I send.

GoblinLittleOwl
I expect she made a mistake.
You never do that, do you?

It's not an acceptable mistake and it's wholly avoidable. At the risk of stating the obvious, if you're working on a sensitive or difficult e-mail, remove/do not insert e-mail addresses until you're happy to send it. I park recipient info at the top of the body of text and paste it (back) in later.

FriskyFrog · 21/04/2016 10:19

Quite a few silly and potentially damagng suggestions on this thread.

Booboos and Farty are smart. A combination of their approaches and email will give you the best chance of school assisting you in getting your DD back into school.

The teacher's stupid error is a gift in disguise; it arms you with knowledge that they are cynical, yet puts them in an uncomfortable position where if you play nicely, they will feel more obliged to co-operate. Don't waste the opportunity.

AgentPineapple · 21/04/2016 10:49

Complaint must be made to the school about that. Regardless of who it was about (obv about you) that sort of thing shouldn't be circulating round the teachers. It's a breach of trust and it's unprofessional

kathyjoy · 21/04/2016 10:52

Okay so here's the thing: IF she was genuinely talking about another parent (which I doubt she is) then she has breached data protection and disclosed information about another parent without their permission to you a) by accidentally sending you that email and then explicitly explaining it is about another parent (even if they don't name said parent it counts as a breach) which is a fineable offence. The data protection act is a serious matter. Or she can admit that it was you she was talking about/allowing other staff to talk about you in this manner and she is still in trouble. Simply ask who you should report said incident to: The Data Protection commissioner or the DfE. That'll get them to sit up and sort themselves out.

Ohbehave1 · 21/04/2016 10:56

Under the data protection laws any electronic communications relating to you (or your children) must be made available to you. I would be asking for a copy of anything the hold on file relating to you......

Ohbehave1 · 21/04/2016 10:57

Sorry Kathjoy. X post

corythatwas · 21/04/2016 10:57

Sympathies with ReallyTired and anybody else who is dealing with a school refusing child. Have been there. It's shit Flowers

The thought of the problems caused the family only fed her suicidal thoughts: if you have a child so stressed that they are hiding sobbing under the bedclothes, getting them more worried isn't actually what you are aiming at. Dd could do that perfectly well for herself,

reallynothelpful · 21/04/2016 10:58

Hello and sorry to read this. This sounds like an awful time for you and your daughter and you both need support. Having been an EWO in a former life, let me first reassure you that you would not face legal action in this case. You need to make sure your daughter is getting support through your GP and a referral through CAMHS. Keep all evidence of medical appointments and arrange a meeting in school to discuss how you can support your daughter in her education.
Regardless of how this email was sent, it is unprofessional and the teachers opinion is not helpful or appropriate. You can make a subject access request to see all information they hold on you and your child following this to challenge the communication as the data protection act clearly states all information should be factual relevant and necessary of which this opinion is not.
Please also try to look for ways to support your daughter into school. If she avoids things that cause her anxiety now, this is an unhelpful strategy she will come to rely on later in life....that said....put this back to the school to ask them what they are going to do to support you to get her into school. The EWO and any judge would want evidence that the school had done all it could before even considering action and a meeting in school is not a supportive measure.
i wish you all the best...and please don't letlegal wording worry you, it has to be used to make a case water tight. But this is a case that requires supportive not punitive measures. Good luck x

reallynothelpful · 21/04/2016 11:07

Just to add you don't have to be suicidal to get a CAMHS referral but you do have to push and push hard. Just keep proof. Don't forget you do have the legal right to home educate if you have the time and resources. It is called 'education otherwise' and there are lots of websites, networks and Facebook groups you can join to research if this would be an option. You would need to enrol her at college if you want her to do GCSE's however there are now traineeships and apprenticeships for young people who leave school with noqualifications so you have options.

Woooster94 · 21/04/2016 11:11

Sorry to hear about this. I don't think you need to indicate whether you believe the tutor or not, so I'd say don't respond to that aspect directly. It may be good to leave her in doubt anyway and it makes you look grown up.

Instead, you can say you don't think the school has understood the diagnosis - why would they, they are not docs - and ask for a meeting to agree a plan to work together. Come armed with doctor's letter or whatever. Also what Mrs Lupo said. Enlist the school's help in getting you more support for your child. Reply to the notice if you can. Request a meeting with the local authority or whatever and turn it round to make it their responsibility to help you get her the treatment she needs to get her to school more often.

Good luck!

Simatmum · 21/04/2016 11:15

The EWO will support you and your DD - I hear so many anecdotes about inappropriate comments and judgements from frustrated teachers who receive unwanted pressure about attendance. No wonder silly mistakes are made. That teacher has orobably lost sleep about that stupid email. Welcome the EWO and give your side of events, then put it all aside so you can all collaborate to help your DD. Poor attendance is not the end of the world - the sooner all this pressure is lifted, the better for your DD.

AmeliaLexi · 21/04/2016 11:19

Of course it is about you, we've all been there, done that, realised, had the oh sh*t moment, and tried to come up with pathetic excuse and lie about having numerous emails open, or some such nonsense :)
This comment is actually pretty mild and gentle, it could have been much worse, e.g.:
OMG, who does she think she is kidding
FFS, some parents.....

chocolateee · 21/04/2016 11:20

I'd email her with a brief message " teacher being unprofessional' then email her about 5 minutes later apologising profusely and say ( word for word ) what she cooked up as her excuse . That just lets her know you know ! I love having the upper hand !
I used to be terrified of saying the wrong thing to my boys' teachers in case they took it out on my children but then I realised that you have to protect your children by speaking out on their behalf. As long as you are dealing with them honestly and professionally then you have nothing to fear. The view from the high moral ground is so much better and you only get one chance. You are your children's only advocate.

kathyjoy · 21/04/2016 11:22

lol Ohbehave1 I think we cover different parts of the same thing so it's okay! Yes the unfortunate lady who posted this has the right to ask for all data on her including emails regarding her. That's an excellent point I hadn't considered on the data protection front.

My point was centred more on that the school either disclosed information about another parent (by claiming this was not about her and about somebody else) which is against the data protection act, or the more likely scenario is that this communication was about the mother and they are trying to cover their a**. Either one is equally bad and the whole 'oh no that wasn't about you' excuse can get them in just as much trouble as thr truth. They really don't have a leg to stand on.

Redzinfandel · 21/04/2016 11:23

You have to get something from your GP and give copies (not originals) to the school. Keep the originals for your own paperwork/files. As, yes, you are going to need to refer back to it all in the coming months. Also document to whom and when you gave the info. As for the email, I would reply tomorrow (yes, let her worry - i'm mean that way!) and cc HoY and bcc HT. Say you were very upset to read her email, realise it was sent in error but it was unprofessional. Then go onto say that your daughter's welfare and school attendance is of the utmost importance to you and you trust that with the school's help, support and professional expertise she will be able to face her challenges. Lay it on thick - that you are relying on their support! Good luck!

Redzinfandel · 21/04/2016 11:27

Oops not sure why post showing as purple 🤔,!!

newdocket · 21/04/2016 11:28

How awful. I think you should avoid being snarky but if I were you I'd want to be dealing with someone other than this teacher, with this kind of attitude she isn't going to help.

I'd forward her email to the Head. Not in a 'I want her disciplined' way but in a 'I need to deal with someone who will take my DD's issues seriously and treat her with respect' and this is why way.

monstersvaliens · 21/04/2016 11:33

Wow I would say like others have it was probably about you which does not make it right. They are fully aware of their unprofessional manner and I am sure the tutor will have have been spoken to. I would have done as a past HOY. I think you are right to ensure you have all the information to hand and prepare it for any future meetings with the school. What is happening to you and your DD is what would happen to any student with attendance that has dropped to a certain level. But it sounds like you and DD need support at this time and I hope they will be supportive to your needs. Sadly the education system is a lot of covering behinds and following rules no matter. The EWO's I have worked with have always been very helpful and I hope you will have the same experience. Being prepared and doing the best for your DD's mental health is what is important, best wishes to you both.

Notthatgullible · 21/04/2016 11:34

Don't bother responding; it could have been a mistake. But I would at this point get the doctor to support you more. A letter from a medic might make them understand that support is more important than judgement. My daughter gets impetigo regularly, and now is waiting for a diagnosis on rheumatoid arthritis, plus she has sprained her ankle and has been on crutches for five weeks, and last year broke her elbow when she fell forward. But usually, it is the impetigo that keeps her at home as it is infectious and they refuse to have her at school, ringing me up as soon as it breaks out! The year before last her attendance was only 80%. And they wrote a similar letter to us. We wrote back and told them to stop being so silly, a sick child is a sick child, and it was they who insisted she couldn't attend. They haven't bothered us since. Your case sounds different, but it is simply standard practice to alert parents before they feel they need to refer. So just get your doctor to help more, and if need be write in and make it a formal letter outlining her needs and what support is needed. This way you have a record.