Genuine mistake by form tutor or does she really believe this?

[MyballsareSandy2015]

DD(15) has anxiety issues relating to sickness and other illnesses resulting in her being off school quite a lot. Her attendance is approx 89%, but things are slowly improving. I do my very best to get her into school but at the moment I feel her mental health is more important than school.

I've always kept school informed by phone, but recently received a letter saying that her attendance is unacceptable and they need to get the Educational welfare officer involved. They also mentioned that any further absences would be recorded as an 'unauthorised absence' even if I rang in, which I obv always do.

So I thought it was time to create a record of my explanations to school, in case they are needed in the future with the EWO. I wrote to DDs form tutor, copying in HoY explaining in detail DDs anxiety issues, emetophobia etc and assuring then I was doing my utmost to get her into school as often as possible.

Opened up a reply email from form tutor, it was rather brief:

"Mum making excuses"

Followed a few minutes later by another email apologising profusely, saying she had several emails open at once and that reply was meant to go to another teacher regarding a mother whose child hadn't been attending revision sessions.

Thoughts please. I haven't replied yet.

The email was about you: it was a simple forward button versus reply button mistake. (I've done it myself).

As to how you reply, I wouldn't. I would treat that email with absolute silence.

If you write that you accept her explanation (even though you do not really mean it), then you'll never be able to use it as evidence later that your Dd's illness is not being genuinely accepted fro what they are.

If you write back with words that imply you believe she was talking about you , then you'll be liable to a charge of causing unnecessary discord.

Not responding will keep the teacher and the school on the back foot wondering what, if anything you intend to do with it. If you do not reply, they'll go out of their way to be seen to show you every consideration now and to do everything by the book.

So, make no reply or acknowledgement, but keep on with what you were doing of building your defence.

I think you should reply -

'Teacher trying to cover her arse. I mean honestly, why go into the profession if you think teenagers with mental health issues are worthy of comments like that? She's obviously not willing to support, will have to contact superior.'

Followed by -

'Oh sorry! Loads of teachers emailed me at once, that was meant for another one. Oops!'

I double fucking dare you

You are reading too much into a short email. I think the teacher was saying you were trying to EXPLAIN why her attendance was poor. And what you should be doing is putting all your efforts into getting her help and getting and keeping her at school- not explaining why she isn't there.

Sorry, haven't had time to read the replies.

I would not go back to form tutor, but go straight to the SENCO instead. They will need medical evidence to support her in school and authorise her absences (from GP or CAMHS). You will then also be able to request special exam conditions such as extra time or a separate/small room.

Good luck.

Can you reply simply "teacher making excuses", followed by an email that explains you had several emails open at the time, and that one was about a different teacher?

Is your dd on anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants? It sounds like she needs something more than she's getting at the moment.

You said you can't make a teenager go to school and I have trouble making my 10 year old anxious child and so can relate. However, a couple of points. Firstly, the worst thing for anxiety is avoidance. My son has anxiety and has a cbt therapist. His therapist uses a technique where she asks what his spikey thoughts are. So you could get your daughter to write she doesn't want to go school and then the spikey thoughts surrounding that, I.e; x, y, or z might happen. Then she should think about non spikey thoughts i.e more positive thoughts like she will see her friends... Finally consider how likely spikey thoughts are to occur and what could help ease concerns. Also if her worries happened what would happen - would it be as disastrous as she fears. My sons terrified of being late so we worked through that and ways to prevent it and then what would happen if he was late just once... Ie not a serial offender so school likely to be lenient.

Secondly, I've represented parents as a solicitor when the local authority has bought proceedings against them. Obviously her health issues are mitigating factors but they won't accept you just can't get her to school if she isn't Ill each time. You could try and explain to her you could face court proceedings and a big fine. Also, if you still can't get her to school then you will have to evidence this by taking her regularly to gp and explaining your concerns each time. Hopefully that will make her realise she has to go school. Do the school have a counsellor? Consider with spikey thoughts what can make going to school less daunting - ie go with a friend, teacher meet her at reception...

Hope things improve for you both

OK, so they are going to bullshit you that it was about another parent to make you chill your boots!

That is still not an acceptable way to be talking about ANY parent!

Focus on that when making your complaint, then their bullshit washes away!

She has sent that to you rather than forwarding. However I think for the sake of future relations I would pretend you believe her

This a million times.

You've got a daughter with mental health issues affecting her schooling, the last thing you want to be wasting your time on is snarky comebacks or complaints that will only damage relationships and take time and energy away from the real concern which is getting your daughter to school.

The teacher shouldn't have written that comment but even if she hadn't written it, she would still have been thinking it, and there are plenty of parents out there who do let their children stay at home at the drop of a hat. So now you know what you're up against, you just need to make sure you have all the documentation to hand, evidence from GP, and you accept support/home visits/whatever they suggest to show them that you're not just making excuses, and to get your daughter the help she needs.

Ps I wouldn't reply for a few days so she is left on tenterhooks. She clearly hit forward by mistake. I'd then reply copying in the head. I would say something along the lines that you trust that her explanation is the case as the alternative, that she pressed forward after dismissing all your daughters mental health issues that have been diagnosed by professionals, would indicate a lack of knowledge, professionalism and concern for a student who is struggling and needs the schools understanding and support.

DON'T respond to the email in a knee-jerk reaction kind of way.
The way forward is to make sure that the school are supporting her...
Ask your GP to write a letter stating dd's problems and make sure her head of year gets a copy.
The school should then (if they haven't already) put a plan in place to support your daughter and you are entitled to know what it is.

... And what giraffe said.

Oh, and OP - I WAS this child. For years. My poor parents were at their wits end.

If you want to PM me I don't mind at all, I'd be happy to talk about it
I did get better in the end, and whilst I'll always be an emetophobe it doesn't rule my life in any way.

I really do feel for you and your daughter though. It's an awful phobia.

Foffyouwanker Wed 20-Apr-16 21:17:45
Dear teacher,

Treating my daughters medical condition with such utter contempt is totally disrespectful and not the way a professional like yourself should behave.
I had hoped that we could work together to improve my daughters mental health, and hence her attendance, clearly this will not be possible.
Please give me the contact details of your senior who is willing to work with me to help my daughter and not discriminate against her mental health issues.

This. 100%.

Appeal to her better nature.

Oh dear!

It was a bit of a shock to get that email back - but glad to have cleared up that it was a misunderstanding.

DD is having a really tough time at the moment. I look forward to chatting with you and EWO to work out how we can support her.

My experience was that, having asked for an attendance-related meeting with the school, the EWO was automatically included. You could always request that, though. I dealt in writing with the head up to that point, but subsequently with a head of pastoral care, who was also invited to the meeting. The EWO works for the local authority so could be contacted direct if you preferred.

Loving 'teacher making excuses' but don't be tempted, OP!

I'm horrified by the number of people who think you should basically "fight back' with the teacher.
Yes, she fucked up (which amongst us hasn't?) and she's clearly not your ally. But as MrsLupo and others since have said, in paraphrase 'now you know where she is, keep in back pocket and force ways of working with the school'.
You have nothing to gain for your daughter by making a clever response. The teacher knows you know. She's mortified. It's a chance to enlist her. You may not get her completely on your side but you might have a chance to move her from sceptical to 'what can I do?'.
agree with all the practical suggestions for getting school and EWO onside. create an evidence pack.
protect your back, and your daughters and force them to engage.
if she is school refusing, where is the 'ill, at home' education service to help her out?
Also go major on the promoting mental wellbeing stuff.
good luck, sounds really horrid.

I would only respond with 'thanks' you have acknowledged that you have received the email but not that you believe the explanation.

I wouldn't reply but would call to arrange a meeting instead & ask for a senior member of staff to be present. At the start of the meeting state that you aren't there to discuss her unprofessional behaviour but would like to focus on how you can work together to support your DD instead.

That way you're letting them know that you don't believe her excuse, making sure someone higher up knows what she said & reminding them that the real issue is your DD's problems & that they need to be more helpful.

myballs
You have my every sympathy, I have a dd with social anxiety and was in a deep depression after the death of her grandad. Her school were less than understanding.
I've also fought the cahms battle so I appreciate where you're coming from.

Firstly, if you have medical insurance through your work your dd may be covered under that. Mine managed to get ten hours of private counselling through DH's work insurance. Also consider there are other organisations who might be able to help (we have one called healthy minds locally, you may have something similar). Your gp should be able to give you the details, and actually the school themselves should also be able to help and press for counselling referrals.

I wish you all the best. I know how it feels to be frustrated with s schools handling of issues they can't see.

My son's attendence is truely pants. Today I got him into school by driving him into the school grounds and more or less frogmarching him to reception at 11am. It was not easy as he is 14 years old and bigger than me.

I have been told by the school that I will not get fined if there is reasonable evidence that I have tried to get help. Ie. been to the doctors, got a diagnosis, sought parenting support and done what the school has asked. It is hard to know what is best.

The school advocates punishing school refusers, but my son still refuses to go to school when I turn off the internet and his Dad prevents all access to screens. There is no point in grounding him as he never goes out. Its illegal to hit him with a large stick.

I wish there was some proper research on how to manage school refusal. Every Tom, Dick and Harry seem to know what they think is best. I would be happy to see an EWO.

Reply briefly, with a

'Thank you for you email. With regards to my daughter I would like to arrange a meeting with yourself, headteacher, and appropriate support staff. As you will no doubt all be aware, DD's situation is a matter for serious concern. She is within the care of our GP and on the waiting list for CAMHs, but I think it is important that we meet and all agree how best to support her continuing attendance at school. Please advise accordingly.'

what IthinkIamsinking said

ReallyTired does the thought of you being fined/prosecuted worry him?

I expect she made a mistake.
You never do that, do you?