Genuine mistake by form tutor or does she really believe this?

[MyballsareSandy2015]

DD(15) has anxiety issues relating to sickness and other illnesses resulting in her being off school quite a lot. Her attendance is approx 89%, but things are slowly improving. I do my very best to get her into school but at the moment I feel her mental health is more important than school.

I've always kept school informed by phone, but recently received a letter saying that her attendance is unacceptable and they need to get the Educational welfare officer involved. They also mentioned that any further absences would be recorded as an 'unauthorised absence' even if I rang in, which I obv always do.

So I thought it was time to create a record of my explanations to school, in case they are needed in the future with the EWO. I wrote to DDs form tutor, copying in HoY explaining in detail DDs anxiety issues, emetophobia etc and assuring then I was doing my utmost to get her into school as often as possible.

Opened up a reply email from form tutor, it was rather brief:

"Mum making excuses"

Followed a few minutes later by another email apologising profusely, saying she had several emails open at once and that reply was meant to go to another teacher regarding a mother whose child hadn't been attending revision sessions.

Thoughts please. I haven't replied yet.

What is 'emetophobia' and what does it have to do with your DC absence?
Any '...phobia' has a whiff of mum excuse about it .
If it s a real condition , is it backed up by medical evidence/certificate?
If so, 'Bingo' you've got the teacher bang to rights - well done you!
You can spike her career, and do a big high five.

MrsGuy

Emetophobia is fear of being sick.

Yes, it is a recognised medical condition.

Yes, it can be extremely debilitating.

HTH

Has your DD got a diagnosed condition?

MrsGuy I hope you're not a teacher but I suspect you are from that answer. Of course emetophobia is a thing.

Yes, just ignore but keep the email and get medical evidence.

I rather think I'd reply with a very brief note requesting an appointment with the Form Tutor and perhaps Head of Year.

I wouldn't comment on anything else and would deal with it (calmly( face to face.

EWO letters are triggered automatically, so try not to worry about that as - upsetting though they can feel - they are really only about flagging up a potential problem for the future. I received one a couple of years ago in relation to a DS who has a chronic condition and whose attendance was (quite legitimately) down to 85%. I knew I couldn't guarantee it would improve, but equally was not willing to have him attend when he wasn't well enough. I also was not willing to jump through administrative hoops that were not in his best (or indeed the wider) interest, e.g. seeing a GP for every day of absence, as DS is immunocompromised and could well do without sitting in a doctor's waiting room when I have all the drugs and equipment he needs at home. I also didn't think it was good use of my GP's time. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I took the initiative by replying to the letter, thanking them for being concerned about his health and asking for a meeting to discuss all the ways in which we could work together to meet our joint goals of supporting DS's health and maximising the amount of education he was getting. When DP and I went in for the meeting there was a great deal of pressure to comply with sending him in when he wasn't well enough and ticking their administrative boxes, but we just kept countering all their demands with polite, reasoned refusals. We provided them with a doctor's letter confirming the illness as genuine and clarifying that the measures we take when he's ill are reasonable and don't need validating by the GP all the time. We also made a number of demands of them to minimise the impact on his education of necessary absence, e.g. providing work or textbooks for use at home, or educating staff about the fact that if he comes back to school sooner after a bout of illness than is strictly ideal, expectations need to be lowered. Once they realised that they were going to be expected to reciprocate in the project of supporting his education, they quickly dropped their demands on us, and all the talk was suddenly of, 'whatever you think is best for LupoJnr'.

So, all of this is to say not to be scared of the process, but to have your ducks in a row with GP or specialist involvement and then just dig your heels in to protect your DD and get her the support and understanding she needs. Schools have hoops they need to jump through to show they are raising all the appropriate concerns, but there is no reason you have to jump too. At the end of the day, it is not the kids with worried, protective parents whose absence they are really most concerned about.

As for the form tutor, my feeling is that she was referring to you, and I agree with pp that even if she wasn't, it was a woefully unprofessional email, but my instinct would be to treat it as ammunition. You know she isn't an ally, which is useful information in itself. Further, she is probably feeling sufficiently anxious about the possibility of comeback about it, that she will now respond better to you and DD than she otherwise would have. Ultimately, you can complain to someone more senior about it, citing it as evidence that DD's needs are not being taken seriously. As someone said upthread, keep it up your sleeve.

Best wishes to your DD. Things sound very tough for her at the moment. for you.

Anyway, to cut a long story short

Lol, sorry for the essay.

I don't see how it makes any difference to anything whether teacher thinks that about OP or not. You have to keep fighting your corner in exactly the same way you already intended to, regardless.

Her excuse doesn't make sense at all. How likely is it that she would have opened another mother's email to forward to a staff member, but ended up "accidentally" going to the lengths of writing your address on it? If it was an error, then a slip of the mouse means she clicked Reply instead of Forward on your email, not anyone else's.

corythatwas
In that kind of job you do not express yourself in such an unprofessional manner in an email. You just don't.

I agree. Even if the e-mail is about another parent, it's still unprofessional. That said, I wouldn't react to it just yet.

OP, I'm guessing you have had previous communications with the school about your daughter's level of attendance, and the reasons for it. It seems very wrong that the school has said it will now record all future absences as unauthorised, even if you contact them to explain. Doesn't sound like like a helpful, constructive way to help your daughter improve her attendance.

Some good advice from Mrs Lupo above.

Definitely second lupos advice follow proper channels through gp and you will get somewhere!

So you can spike her career and do a big high five

So....receiving an email that was about her but not addressed to her is not worthy of a complaint followed by a bollocking

Yeah....OK.

She probably won't get much of a bollocking anyway, more along the lines of 'You poor twat, happens to the best of us, best apologise again'

A bit dramatic to say it will affect career and subsequently warrant parental celebration

You've just been given a gift: a true reflection of how your child's form tutor views the 'parent teacher partnership'.

I once viewed a house and asked the teacher selling it what the local school's SN provision was like (she taught there) and her answer was another gift.

So now you know what they think, either crack on with fighting DD's corner with all the paperwork you can muster, or look at moving her. Because that school is not going to work with you constructively - they don't believe in you, or her.

I think I would pretend I believed her and not make a big thing out of this. Obviously if anyone was to happen again then perhaps it would need raising higher up.

Don't be an arse like whichever poster said to let her worry about it as some kind of revenge, you don't need to stoop that low.

Do you have a 'hospital school' type service OP? Outreach tutors for those to unwell to do full school days? There's one in my LA

I would accept her excuse for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with the teacher and helping your daughter. I would mail back and say something along the lines of "Thank you for the clarification but there is no need to apologise, I assumed that message was not intended for me. When you have a moment Let me know your thoughts on the best way to support DD in her learning and how we can work together to help her through this."

It was obviously a mistake on the teachers part and the e-mail wasn't meant to go to you but was about your DD. It seems as if the teacher doesn't think you're doing enough to help to improve your DD's attendance. Maybe you should request a meeting to see if things can move forward and the school could be more supportive.

Good for you Cory for not ever putting yourself in that position where a mistake is made.

It's not about making a mistake, Ithink: it's about having clear professional guidelines as to what you can put in writing and how you speak about the people you are there to help. That is my whole point. It's not about accidentally pressing the wrong button- that can happen to anyone- it's about the whole culture of the workplace. I would be pulled up straightaway if I sent an email like that.

You can call the tutor a liar and create a drama or believe her and sort the problem out.

There are hundreds of kids in the school and I imagine at least ten percent are missing something or other whether PE or revision sessions and there will be many, many mothers making excuses.

Booboostwo suggests a mature, practical approach which is likely to get the best outcome for your DD

I think you use this to your advantage. The teacher will be feeling like a right pillock at the moment and will probably be waiting for your response.
Something along the lines of:
'Thank you for your email, these things happen, it's an easy mistake to make. Now, about DD, please advise me of the next steps I can be taking, working alongside you and the school, to start making this situation better.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
With kind regards....'

And remember never to write an email about someone that you wouldn't be happy for them to see. I myself have been caught out by this when an email trail was very unprofessionally forwarded on, by a member of staff who didn't really understand how 'these things work'. It was cringey to say the least.

I think you should try to make an ally out of the EWO. Thank him/her for their interest and enlist their help getting some proper understanding and provision for your DD.

I think move school..they don't appear to be very caring.