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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
ParanoidGynodroid · 20/04/2016 19:39

Some of us, Pan?
It was the vast majority of us from where I was sitting!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 20/04/2016 19:40

I had to google what type of offence type one (or category A) was and wish I hadn't. I feel sick.
Don't go to the wedding OP. You are a good person. He and anyone who associates with him is not. He is an animal, but what must your 'friends' be to support him.

ParanoidGynodroid · 20/04/2016 19:41

Eek, I got that wrong. Meant the opposite! Sorry Pan!

limitedperiodonly · 20/04/2016 19:49

The thread is NOT ABOUT whether the guy is safe around children,.That is not what the OP asked, she makes it clear that it is about whether she should be at the same social event as a convicted paedophile.

I agree catewood21 OP asked whether she was being unreasonable not to want to socialise with this man.

I agree with her that I would not. Most people concur.

There is also the practical problem of it being an event where some people might strongly object to a child sex offender being around their children, if children were present. In that case, if I were the host, no matter how much I liked the child sex offender, I might not invite him in order to accommodate the sensitivities of other guests.

That might be for the well-being of the child sex offender. I would not like it if my child sex offending friend got into an argument with one of my other friends who thought child sex offending was evil and abhorrent; so I would try to keep them apart. Especially at my wedding, which should be a joyous occasion.

As I know fewer child sex offenders than people who confine their sexual activity with consenting adults - actually none that I know of - that means that on every social occasion, the child sex offender would lose out.

If it makes anyone feel better, I'd send him some wedding cake.

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 19:51

no worries PG.

BoatyMcBoat · 20/04/2016 19:55

I would expect the b&g to warn all their other guests that there is a possibility that a man will approach them and offer to babysit. At very reasonable rates.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 20:03

Catewood if my son done that I would be devastated he has 3 sisters. I could not brush it under the carpet. I gave birth to him the blame would lie with me I would blame myself.

limitedperiodonly · 20/04/2016 20:09

I would expect the b&g to warn all their other guests that there is a possibility that a man will approach them and offer to babysit. At very reasonable rates.

Or do family photos. Without the family being about...

zozzij · 20/04/2016 20:19

I have got something useful to say, if you'd just listen. Hundreds of thousands of men like this guest live amongst us. We have to work out how we deal with that as a society

Why can't we ostracise them? This is a sincere question.

(I don't share your view of yourself as a heroic, clear-eyed, amazing lone voice intellect, by the way.)

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/04/2016 20:21

thebacks, I didn't say that you had interpreted Level 1 content incorrectly: my post was directed to Needs. Further, I was referring to images below the threshold for level 1 which are judged to be indecent by a jury, which could under the old sentencing guidelines then get taken into account in sentencing as if they were level 1 images.

zozzij · 20/04/2016 20:24

havetosaythis There is no way I would turn my back on any of my children for any reason, including the same offences this man has been convicted of

What if your adult son raped your pre-teen daughter, took pictures to order and sent them to other paedophiles? Would you still support him? How would you balance that with supporting her? (I'm not being gratuitous: this happened in a family I know).

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/04/2016 20:24

Needs, what you have posted about the classification of indecent images is entirely in accordance with what I said. I specifically did not refer to children doing normal everyday things, but photos such as a naturist image.

limitedperiodonly · 20/04/2016 20:29

Hundreds of thousands of men like this guest live amongst us. We have to work out how we deal with that as a society

I don't disagree with you. But OP is talking about one known child sex offender who has been invited to a social event to which she has also been invited. She does not wish to associate with him. I'm sure that there are people with whom you don't wish to associate.

It's a wedding; not a social experiment.

zozzij · 20/04/2016 20:36

It's a wedding; not a social experiment

To be fair, life isn't a social experiment either, so IMO people who have done shit like this just don't get a second go. Fuck them, I don't care. If that means 40% of the population being in prison I'm ok with that.

limitedperiodonly · 20/04/2016 20:45

To be fair, life isn't a social experiment either, so IMO people who have done shit like this just don't get a second go. Fuck them, I don't care. If that means 40% of the population being in prison I'm ok with that.

To be fair to you zozzij, I suspect you and I wouldn't have much common ground on our social views. But that's mostly to be fair to me.

I still think OP was within her rights not to attend the wedding and still think that this thread should stand, despite its many views.

VestalVirgin · 20/04/2016 20:49

To be fair, life isn't a social experiment either, so IMO people who have done shit like this just don't get a second go. Fuck them, I don't care. If that means 40% of the population being in prison I'm ok with that.

Since the number of men who admit in an anonymous survey that they would rape a woman is around 30%, that number is rather realistic ... after all, there are other crimes, too.

zozzij · 20/04/2016 20:50

To be fair to you zozzij, I suspect you and I wouldn't have much common ground on our social views. But that's mostly to be fair to me

Should I know what this means? Because I don't Confused

CookieDoughKid · 20/04/2016 20:58

Come on - Picture it at the wedding. Coffees being served up. The lights go down, the disco is on and people are getting to the dancefloor. ou get up, chat to other guests next table. You can see your dcs momentarily, you know they are there but they are off running around playing with other dcs. If your dcs are anything like mine (mine are young but not toddler age), they are tactile, love to hi-five, play all sorts of games, wrestle and slap each other around. Oh but the peodophile is there playing with them.

But fuck me. You weren't told about his background. It's absolutely fine says the Bride and Groom because actually, his background doesn't matter. Your kids are totally safe at my wedding.

Do you know - wedding or not - that a very large number of crimes against children are committed at social events?

The abuse of my dc was at a family bbq with about 10 family members and an equal number of very close family friends present. Yet, he managed to get time with my dc alone in a room upstairs near the attic. It took 5 minutes. Not even that. Think how long 5 minutes is at a busy BBQ or wedding. It's NOTHING.
Oh - and I didn't know he was a peodophile. No one told me. Yet he was totally safe around my dc. Aged 3.

CookieDoughKid · 20/04/2016 21:00

It can, and does happen. And it happens way more often than we think. And it's often not strangers. The perpetrators are people you know or know of.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/04/2016 21:03

Since the number of men who admit in an anonymous survey that they would rape a woman is around 30%

What?! Shock

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 21:12

yes that survey thing - it's a feature of research that you carry out dozens and dozens of them, until after adjusting things eg the question, the survey group, the environment you approach the respondents....you eventually get the findings you are looking for...and we are all shocked.

that sort of thing.

Pseudo341 · 20/04/2016 21:12

Bloody hell CookieDoughKid, that's awful. Your poor DC.

Since it's clear this guy is not allowed to be around his own kids unsupervised surely the police would take issue with him attending a wedding where children would be present. It must at least be worth informing them of his intentions to go.

Personally I think there should be a two part approach to dealing with paedophiles. Firstly, make it clear that help is available to people who have these feelings, widely publicise it, fund it well, and don't judge those who seek that help. Secondly, make it clear that actually committing any kind of offence will absolutely not be tolerated and will result in being shunned by society. I guess it's a sort of carrot and stick approach, strongly encourage people to do the right thing while strongly discouraging them from doing the wrong thing. It's all very well punishing people but if you wait until there's something to punish them for some poor kid's life is in tatters. Prevention is most definitely the preferable option if we can manage it.

zozzij · 20/04/2016 21:15

Since the number of men who admit in an anonymous survey that they would rape a woman is around 30%, that number is rather realistic ...

That was actually exactly what I was thinking about when I posted. WHY do people still treat sexual crimes if they're shockingly rare? They're shockingly common.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 21:28

augusta I don't think I said you did, I said another poster did but I couldn't remember who I think it was not you I have a feeling it was SGB but didn't want to say that in the post that I made thanking thebacks for her informative post.

I may be wrong because I'm shattered but it appeared that you for some reason thought I shouldn't be thanking that poster because you couldn't understand the relevance and then went on to say that she was wrong.

VestalVirgin · 20/04/2016 22:12

CookieDoughKid , that's awful! I am a bit surprised that he'd actually dare do that ... right under your nose.
But that shows how sure they are that they won't get caught, or if, that there will be no consequences.

And that is exactly why I say it is right to refuse to socialize with "sex" offenders. (I don't like the word "sex" in that context).
There must be some consequences, and much too often, prison isn't one of them.