AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

[tomhardyonthewaltzers]

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

Poor debating technique?

Stating I don't want to debate it is poor technique?

OK

No Stratters I don't work in Social Services. I have though had extended involvement with sex offenders, both d/loaders and 'contact' offenders, in custody and community.

Augusta

I felt it was relevant because a poster upthread I forget who seamed to be implying that photos of children doing normal stuff could in the hands of a pedophile were likely to be level one images,as if the fairy washing powder ad could be, or something else and I felt it was helpful of the poster with the actual profesional experance to make it clear that is not the case.

Is that ok or have I got dangerously close to being an abuse apoligist by thinking that

to be a bit more specific Stratters, I supervise people who supervise people in connection with DV and sex offences, largely. With a bit of purely gratuitous violence thrown in.

Even worse posts since I last posted and have contacted MNHQ!

Cate I find yours very disturbing. They remind me of what someone said to me a long time ago of some victims being so abused, so brainwashed they no longer truly recognise that it's abuse.

I've already said I don't think these people belong in society precisely BECAUSE they can't stop the behaviour. There's been recorded statements by paedophiles themselves stating they're best kept locked up.

And STILL mnhq's decisions on what posts are ok and which not is also shocking.

So can I ask people what they woulod do in the future if their DS is charged with looking at / distributing these pictures.he is arrested , convicted sentenced, does his jail time and is out again.
Would you turn your back on him for the rest of your days? Ostracise anyone who shows him any friendliness?

I have two DS's. I absolutely would cut them out of my life for good if they were convicted of looking at images of child abuse. And I'd be done with family/friends who stood by them too.

Paedophilia, rape, murder. I'd be done with any of my family over any of those things.

Cate - if a son of mine was so charged - No I wouldn't ostracise him. I would visit him in prison or where-ever.
BUT I would not let any child near him, and if I had a hint he was coming in contact with children I would shop him. I would also make sure any "partners" I was aware of also knew.

if i had a choice to not be around these types of people i would choose not to, which is why i dont go anywhere my brother goes.

but they can't help what arouses them.Why do they deserve to be ostracised for something that is beyond their control.

I cannot believe I just read that*

why ? You think anyone would choose to have this deviancy? Actually I will correct myself a little .There are 2 kinds of child abusers1) those that go for children just because they are easier to prey on (my comments don't apply to them) and (2) those that have deviant sexual tastes which they cannot help having (although they can help acting on)

Cate you haven't answered the question about whether you would allow this man babysit your dc?

Because he didn't physically touch a child and he had the right to be forgiven and reintegrated into society.

So would you or not?

It was not clear in the OP what level of images the man had, and a custodial sentence may be imposed on a repeat offender even if the level of offence is the same as far as I can tell.

Not on a second low level offence, SGB. And would it really not bother you if a paedophile were so determined to carry on with colluding in the abuse of children that the threat of prison didn't deter him? Would you really feel entirely safe in the belief that he wouldn't reoffend?

Your damn right I'd turn my bk on him...without a second thought!

Would it break my heart? Of course! But it would be more broken for the poor innocent children abused so these sick fucks can get their kicks

And that it is important to distinguish between levels of severity (with any crime, both in terms of sentencing and how the criminal is subsequently treated) in terms of how much risk a person poses to the public and how much harm their actions have caused.

Courts are really under quite a lot of pressure not to impose terms of imprisonment. This man would not have gone to prison for a second offence unless there were an assessment that he was a risk and had caused significant harm.

Blimey! YANBU I wouldn't go. However if I did go I would wear a 'Paedos Burn in Hell' T-Shirt

walter No of course I would not allow him to babysit!
Of course children must be safeguarded that is always the priority.
But that is not what we are debating.We are debating whether it is acceptable for adults to socialise with an erstwhile friend who has been convicted of this offence

I felt it was relevant because a poster upthread I forget who seamed to be implying that photos of children doing normal stuff could in the hands of a pedophile were likely to be level one images,as if the fairy washing powder ad could be, or something else and I felt it was helpful of the poster with the actual profesional experance to make it clear that is not the case.

But, Needs, as I pointed out, such a photo in the hands of a paedophile can indeed be treated as a Level One image if a jury determines that in that context it was indecent. Why are you ignoring that?

but Cate, this is a wedding, where children are VERY likely to be present... we're not talking Friday night beers at the pub!

Your damn right I'd turn my bk on him...without a second thought!

You don't love your children unconditionally then? Most mothers do!

AIBU to let my 3 yo run around naked and Mumsnet says yes, because a paedophile can't hurt them just by looking.

AIBU to not go to a wedding with my fully clothed child where a paedophile might be able to see them, Mumsnet says yes, very U.

This place baffles me! S'all good though.

catewood, your scenario with someone's DS being found guilty of this offence wholly ignores the point made upthread that it isn't true to say that no-one can do anything about having paedophile tendencies. The fact is that there is treatment available.

If my son were convicted of such an offence, I wouldn't turn my back on him provided he was prepared to get such treatment, and provided that he voluntarily agreed to put in place every safeguard possible, including letting police inspect computers and phones and making sure he was never around children unless it were absolutely unavoidable - and even then he would have to have someone reliable with him. I would particularly expect him to be very, very sensitive about accepting invitations to social events which might be attended by children or indeed by adults who might find his presence uncomfortable.

You have missed the point there a bit, TheBrownTrout , it's not about OP being worried for her children, rather it was that by inviting and socialising with a twice convicted paedophile a message is being sent to him that his actions were OK and forgiveable.
They're not.

You don't love your children unconditionally then? Most mothers do!

Yet another ridiculous statement. So because you love someone you should just deal with what they've done? I don't think I saw anyone say they would stop loving their son either. Cutting someone out of your life because you can't accept what they have done does not equate to suddenly stopping your love.

I don't know what I'd do if my son grew up and did something like that. The thought makes me feel sick. Until someone is in that position, I think it's very hard to say what they'd do for sure. I do know that I wouldn't expect him to go on living the rest of his life like nothing had happened. I certainly wouldn't expect him to attend events that would more than likely have children at.

There is no way I would turn my back on any of my children for any reason, including the same offences this man has been convicted of.

But I am their mother.

I would fully expect others to turn their backs on my dc in those circumstances and I wouldn't afford them any trust around kids, nor would I lie for them or protect them or minimise their crimes.

I don't think I have missed the point.

Several pages on the thread are people screaming about there being children at the wedding and would people be happy for him to look at their kids?

Which is weird as normally on threads the consensus is, oh, they're only LOOKING.