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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 20/04/2016 00:07

I think MNs whole policy with regards to reporting and deletion needs to be reevaluated.

Maryz · 20/04/2016 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DropYourSword · 20/04/2016 00:07

cockacidal I agree.

Maryz · 20/04/2016 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 20/04/2016 00:09

And yet certain disgusting posts are being left and certain posters who in my and clearly others opinions shouldn't be on Mn are not being dealt with at all!

Wondering if Olivia will still have a job tomorrow.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 00:09

Exactly Maryz. If you act like a cunt expect to be called a cunt.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/04/2016 00:10

Maryz I agree about the personal attacks policy.

ImNotThatGirl · 20/04/2016 00:10

This thread has yet again highlighted the need for a better policy. This is such an emotive topic and can cause serious distress and harm to people. I know I over shared and did ask to be deleted. 😑

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 00:12

to answer your OP if you are still reading, I'd probably be able to go, despite events surrounding one other guest who I'd plan to not have any contact with on the day. The fact that he'd downloaded abusive images of children would have to be balanced with my attachment to a friend who is getting married. I wouldn't be comfortable with her decision, but me going or not would not make a spot of difference to any risk to children he presents.

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 00:13

it makes the whole ethos of 'self policing' a mockery.

What better use of 'self-policing' is there than for posters, as a group, to inform someone like SGB that their views are despicable and not welcome.

Aussiemum78 · 20/04/2016 00:14

I wouldn't go, and TBH I would judge my friends and cut ties with them.

Anyone who condones peodophilia is just as bad as a peodophile. They are happy to have their kids around him (and his partner has children with him) they are basically offering their kids on a plate to a sex abuser. So wrong.

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 00:16

I don't think attending the wedding is condoning anything at all. 'Offering their kids on a plate' sort of comment is just simply ridiculous, if I may say.

Canyouforgiveher · 20/04/2016 00:16

Op I hope you stay on MN. Your raised an important issue here and your handling of your own situation was excellent and instructional.

there were only 2-3 posters who said things like "well you never explained it was the really bad stuff" or "better to lie than say the truth-that you don't like socialising with child abusers" most people really agreed with you.

but what is interesting are the few other posts from people who more or less said "my friend was excluded for XYZ event because everyone knew but still invited him" or "my cousin had to have my abusive uncle at my wedding because my aunt stood by him" (didn't quote from posts because I don't want it to seem like I am questioning these posters actions--I am not)

Most people agree that abuse of a child is one of the most heinous crimes. People would also agree that rape and abuse/rape of your family members also rank up there. These are the kinds of crime people love to howl about when they hit the front pages. When it is abstract-something that happens to other people.

But when it happens in your own life, in small ways, in private life, many many people are turning a blind eye, saying things like SGB and Add said "we don't know it was that bad" (well if you serve time for child abuse, it IS that bad) or "this isn't about the child abuse it is about a wedding" (well if you have to socialise with a child abuser if you accept the invitation, then it is about child abuse).

I think of the other two threads recently about why relatives don't banish rapists/abusers but expect the victims to get over it and not be so dramatic. I look at my own friend whose brother raped her. She doesn't see him anymore but not one of the rest of her siblings can say the same. I think the OP has raised an interesting question about why people literally can''t seem to get that something truly awful happened and act like the victim is over reacting.

I do think Add said something interesting when she said that these people are among us and we have to figure our how to live with them/rehabilitate them. I agree with the premise but I take the opposite view to hers which seems to be suck it up, pretend it hasn't happened and watch your kids.

I wonder do more people commit this crime because they look around them and see that in fact, there are very few real social consequences - even if you are convicted-so they don't bother looking for help, instead they go for it.

The most callous thing I read on here tonight was SGB saying it might be historical/antique images as i this was a mitigation. As if it is ok to get off on a picture of a child being abused as long as it happened 100 years ago and the child is probably long dead. It seemed so sad that someone would dismiss the pain and misery of a child from long ago and think it ok for someone to be still wanking over it. Awful.

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 00:23

fwiw I'd often thought over the years that the views expressed by SGB and one or two others have been questionable, at best. But RTFT it looks like there's been a lot of polarising going on. i.e. IF you state you would go to the wedding that makes you a paedophile. Almost.

And of course people who d/load abusive images (usually men) are everywhere in society and we do have to continue having a sane consideration on how we deal with them.

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/04/2016 00:24

Oh dear, another goady type has logged on. On your bike, OnYerBike.

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 00:26

Goady? In what way AFN?

Waltermittythesequel · 20/04/2016 00:28

This has gone on enough.

It will end with you quite rightly being told to fuck off.

You have the audacity to post without reading. So I'll spell out to you that you will be upsetting a lot of CSA survivors.

I'm out.

Pigeonpost · 20/04/2016 00:29

Just RTFT. Fucking hell. OP, if you do read this, take this as another vote in the 'you did EXACTLY' the right thing box, I would also be seriously considering my friendship with the B&G who made the decision to invite him in the first place.

CockacidalManiac · 20/04/2016 00:33

And of course people who d/load abusive images (usually men) are everywhere in society and we do have to continue having a sane consideration on how we deal with them.

I know what I'd do with them! The least that society can do is to keep them away from children, for good. They've had their chance, and fucked it up.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/04/2016 00:33

Read the fucking thread then get on that bike.

OnYerBikePan · 20/04/2016 00:35

Erm..I've already said I've read the thread, Paul, which you would have seen if you'd read the thread. iyswim

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 00:38

i tell you what we do with them.

We stop inviting them just to 'appease' someone else.

We stand up for the children who have been so horrifically abused and who's image of them being injured, physically and mentally, possibly lifelong if they don't end up dying from their injuries...

We stop normalising it being OK to sweep this kind of shit under the carpet.

We stand up, like the OP and we say NO i am NOT going to socialise with that piece of shit.

NO, i am not going to pretend he never did it.

NO i am not going to stand by and make them think they will EVER be forgiven.

People like him, like the guy i cut off for abusing a minor, need to have it made LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR that NO IT IS NOT OK. NO WE DO NOT FORGIVE YOU.

And that sentiment should go for the people who enable and condone their fucking disgusting behaviour.

Stratter5 · 20/04/2016 00:41

Amen to Maddy and Cockicidal.

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 00:49

missed half a sentence...

We stand up for the children who have been so horrifically abused and who's image of them being injured, physically and mentally, possibly lifelong if they don't end up dying from their injuries, is being shared and distributed over and over again.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 00:52

Ive read the whole thread. I am in agreement with the op about her not wanting to go, and I still think this has descended into a bit a a strange thread.

SGB used a badly thought out phrase but one that is frequently used in the media and every where else, people challenged this.

She expressed some views quite obviously based on misreading the op and not registering that the man had served time and with a lack of understanding of the emotions a badly thought out post would have along with a misunderstanding of severity and lack of knowledge about the subject, this got deleted.

in exchange she got flamed and several posters implied she was practically a child abuser herself. Mainly because the goady fucker other poster wound everybody up.