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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/04/2016 22:59

OP, please don't leave MN because of this thread. You are in the right here.

Sunnybitch · 19/04/2016 22:59

I've only read your op so ive probably missed a lot of things but I just have to ask 'who in their right mind' would invite a sick shit like this? Seriously.....why???

UptownFunk00 · 19/04/2016 23:01

YANBU at all!

Different level but my ex looked at pictures of children and also sexually assaulted me when we were together. So many people were just like "that's not nice/that's disgusting" but that was it. I was shocked people still wanted to associate with him it just didn't make any sense to me!

Your friends want to put it aside for the day that is up to them but you have the right to not thrown your morals away for the day.

Well done for holding your own !

I hope that he doesn't have access to his children.

The girlfriend is disgusting and a potential accomplice.

AddToBasket · 19/04/2016 23:01

I haven't tried to justify the bride and groom's reasons. I've just said that they will have their reasons and that those may include loyalty to the partner (just a guess).

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 23:02

Antique anyone who tries to minimise crimes of paedophilia is effectively an apologist. How can they not be?

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 23:03

Add are you going to answer Maddy's question because the fact that you keep ignoring it speaks volumes about your agenda here.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/04/2016 23:05

Still refusing to answer highly relevant questions about your posts, AddTo?

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 23:05

that is exactly what justifying is Add!

A normal person would say 'I want you and your kids there, but i hope you can understand why we don't want your DP there"

Well, actually, a normal person wouldn't go near anyone who wanted anything to do with that person with a 10ft bargepole and a HAZMAT suit...

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 23:06

she wont answer.. its a 'charged' question apparently.. whatever the fuck that is!

bloodyteenagers · 19/04/2016 23:06

The only people who have caused a drama over this wedding is the bride and groom for inviting this vile specimen to their wedding.
Come on, really who the hell wants
To spend their day with someone who gets their kicks from harming anyone, never mind in such a fucked up, disgusting way.

They have made a decision to invite him and so they need to deal with the fall out from this. It shouldn't be down tithe op to lie about her reasons. They are adult enough to get married and they should be adult to understand actually, people don't want to spend any time with a paedophile.

BuunyChops · 19/04/2016 23:07

Sorry hit post too soon.

Friend has stated her view that she believes it's only a matter of time till her father is the physical abuser to police and social workers; if it hasn't happened already.

Some of them have unofficially agreed with her; but pointed out there's nothing they can do until a complaint is made.

Do you want to be the parent that takes that risk?

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/04/2016 23:08

There's loyalty to a friend with a dodgy partner, and there's associating with a convicted paedophile and allowing him access to vulnerable children. I can't see how the first can ever justify the second.

VestalVirgin · 19/04/2016 23:08

Add, if you want to invite a pedophile to your wedding, for whatever reason, then you can do that, but you should be aware that there will be consequences. Such as, you know, other people not coming.

I really don't see how this is not very, very obvious.

If my best friend decided to have only roastbeef to eat on her wedding party, then she would make that decision knowing that I would not come because I am vegetarian.
(And no, I wouldn't put aside my principles and taste for one day. And none of my friends would ever expect me to.)

Sunnybitch · 19/04/2016 23:09

I'm trying to catch up on the this thread and I can't believe people are even arguing on it....surely it should be a no brainer Hmm

Original poster
tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 23:10

No MNHQ in response to your PM about my request to delete my account. No, I don't just 'want my thread deleted instead'.

That suggests that I just don't like the way it's gone and that's not the case. I don't want to be part of this site any more. Raped children (now adults) have posted about their horrific experiences. No-one posting on this site expects everyone to agree with them but even if you don't agree, would you not think 'I think they're wrong but it might upset the victims here to hear that I think it should be put aside or ignored or forgotten so I'll leave it'.

But no, make the point again and again and express disapproval and negative judgement of those that can't or won't ignore it. Or minimise child abuse or suggest some abuses aren't as bad as others. I understand that personal attacks aren't allowed and are deleted but I don't understand why awful minimising CSA posts are allowed to stay and the angry and upset posters under extreme provocation are 'told off' on the thread.

And MNHQ - I'm not posting this to stir up trouble but because I didn't want anyone to think it was a 'fake flounce' or whatever. And I'm genuinely really upset by the way this thread has been handled and particularly so by you asking me if I just want to delete the thread.

I know MN is a public Internet site and a business and I shouldn't invest too much emotion but I always thought this was a sensible and safe place for women.

I just feel really disappointed and let down but I know that's irrational and I'm just being a bit silly.

Sorry everyone. I didn't think this thread would end up like this with so many people being made to feel angry and upset.

Thanks for all the good times in the past x

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 19/04/2016 23:10

Loyalty to his partner?
Nope.
She made her choice to stay with him and to have his kids (how fucked up is that?). She has choices and she has chosen him and she also needs to deal with the ramifications of this. Because let's be honest, whatever her mates could truly say to her is nothing compared to what those kids are going to say when they are grown up to understand what their dad did.

Stratter5 · 19/04/2016 23:10

You are doing the right thing OP.

And I think I've had enough of SGB's views. They do not sit right on a parenting site.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 23:12

How long until this thread is declared 'a bit of a bunfight' and deleted anyway?

Then it can all be swept under the carpet.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 23:13

No MNHQ in response to your PM about my request to delete my account. No, I don't just 'want my thread deleted instead'.

Fuck me. That is fucking disgraceful.

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 19/04/2016 23:13

Well done OP Tom hardy for sticking to your morals. Haven't read all the thread but get the impression that some people are defending peodiphile behaviour. Can't believe this. Have two children of my own and would never attend this wedding if I knew there was a peodiphile there. At my previous address, found out through a third party that an elderly couple who lived in the street behind me had been convicted of peodiphile behaviour and violence against children in the past. They looked like a harmless innocent old couple, used to see them driving about. It made my blood boil, especially as there were families with young children in their street. Can't believe the girlfriend had two children to him, how desperate was she. It's strange how people defends others bad behaviour. Bizarre why the bride and groom are inviting them, take it they don't have children?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 23:14

Fuck that Lilac. I think there are a few members here who have become very aware to how things are done at HQ thanks to this thread. No doubt viewed as troublemakers for being utterly astounded at how this has been handled.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 19/04/2016 23:15

Op well done. More people should act like you. Too many people can't face up to the fact that abusers are people they kid and prefer to ignore it. In cases of abuse often the victim will say others knew what was going on but choose to ignore it.

People on here saying he's served his time and it's the brides day etc make me sick and are the sort of people that allow abusers to carry on abusing.

AddToBasket · 19/04/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/04/2016 23:16

I'm somewhat unimpressed by MNHQ suggesting OP should ask for the thread to be deleted. I think the views of certain contributors should certainly stand so that they can continue to be seen for precisely what they are. Equally the views of the large majority should be allowed to stand as a much-needed counterbalance.

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 23:18

The fact you can't tell someone who is a CSA apologist/minimiser to fuck off speaks volumes.

Getting deleted and those posts being allowed to stand? Really, really bad judgement.

So much for the 'we believe you' campaign.

Perhaps they should rename it 'But it was only a little bit rapey.. some rapes are worst than others"