fucked off

[SurroMummy13]

Every night for the last 15 days my daughter has had barely little sleep. Which meant I've had barely little sleep. We've both been ill and a lot going on otherwise.

For the 15th night she's woken, come to my bed screaming at me, screaming at me that I'm hurting her, never fucking touched her btw, and screaming she wants daddy, screaming over fucking everything.

I lost my rag with her, nearly walked last night (would of if DH was here). And again nearly walked tonight, just wanted to clear my head but he's emotionally blackmailing me not to.

Told me it's not his fault he's not been here, his dad's been dying. It's fuck all to to with his dad dying, he hasn't been here either way, he doesn't know what the fuck has been going on here every night.

Then he started speaking to me like a child. If I was that way inclined I'd have hit him. But I didn't, I just walked away.

Now my daughter doesn't want me, she wants daddy, she looked fucking terrified of me.

I'm tired, emotional and still poorly, had bad news today that a life long dream has gone down the toilet. I snapped. And now he hates me and so does she.

I think all 3 of you need to make a conscious decision to be really kind to each other right now. Obviously the child cant really decide that but you and DP need to and she will copy the kindness she sees. You have all been through the wringer this past fortnight or so. Take a step back and acknowledge that to each other, draw a line under it and decide to just nurture and be kind to yourselves and each other. This requires DP being 100% onboard too though. If he isnt, consider taking some time away from him. You need to look after yourself.

Negative mindset? My FIL just passed away, my daughter and I have been ill for 10 days, barely slept or eaten. And my dream of becoming a surrogate mum has been smashed into smithereens. So yeah, I have a negative mindset right now.
I am so sorry Surro.

Please don't give up on you and your child. Nothing is smashed. You have been ill. You have not slept. You have not eaten. Of course you feel terrible.
Could you and your child eat and drink something now?
Lie down together and listen to something/watch the television.
Could you telephone the GP now to get an emergency appointment?
Your baby does not mean it. She cannot help any of it.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Perhaps what I'm about to say will fill you with incredulity (in which case I apologise, this is just my interpretation), or perhaps it's something you've already considered; it sounds as if you're having a breakdown. I don't mean you need to take a deep breath and you're letting things get to you, I mean a proper, "you're not yourself right now" breakdown.

By hook or by crook can you get to your sister's? If you think this could be a possibility do please do seek some sort of medical intervention ASAP. If not by all means tell me to mind my own and what the hell do I know about it anyway!

"I think all 3 of you need to make a conscious decision to be really kind to each other right now. "

I can't tell you how annoyed that has made me.

for you OP

why?

Tell you partner to fuck off. Make sure he is utterly clear you are NOT in the mood

Yes to the poster who said if he was well enough for sex he is well enough to clean

I know you feel rejected right now but taking it out on your daughter is not the way. She doesn't understand. Your partner needs to start stepping up.

Yes his father has justified passed away but his family desperately need him right now

So his dad has just died?

You dreamt of being a surrogate??

I'm sorry you're stressed but the way you speak about your three year old is making me a little uncomfortable.

Please, get to a GP or to your sister or whatever it takes to make you stop screaming at your baby and, frankly, blaming her for how you feel.

She's scared and sick. It's not her fault.

And how do you expect the OP to get her H to be kind to her and her daughter when he's so far shown none of that RudeElf? All he appears to be worried about is his dick and whether Surro is doing the washing up! Not exactly pointers at being the supportive partner and parent.

Surro I agree with previous posters about getting an appointment with your GP. This isn't about having a positive mindset as you say. First things first. Then I'd be looking at your relationship and what you are getting out of it.

Scallops if you read my post to the end you will see that i say it requires her partner being 100% on board with it and if he isnt then consider taking some time away from him because OP needs to look after herself.

Sounds like you're having a rough time.
You do however, need to remember she's only 3.
Why is your FIL passing hitting you harder than its hitting your husband?

This is naive on my part, but I could understand your trauma if you were on the receiving end of surrogacy, but you wanted to be a surrogate mother and you can't, I don't mean to sound rude but I'm confused as to why this is having such a massive impact on you? It's lovely to do kind things for others but if you can't, do something else - volunteer at a charity?

I think you're all going through a lot.

He's grieving for his dad and grief shows itself in funny ways sometimes. Anger, stress, or denial are all pretty normal consequences of a bereavement. Was it sudden or had your FIL been in ill for a while? I'm sorry for your loss, btw

You're sick, your daughter is sick - you haven't eaten, slept or really done anything properly as a result. So you're tired, hungry, unwell and that's bound to lead to a whole host of emotions.

It's not the time to argue over a clean kitchen, or sex. I get these are symptoms of bigger problems but at the moment, you and DD need to focus on getting better and your DH needs to begin to deal with his grief. I don't think anyone is rational when they've just lost a parent.

Deal with the immediate things - look after yourself and DD. Try and ignore the night-terrors - she doesn't know what she's doing or saying. She's picking up on the grief and tension and she's been unwell, it's bound to make her act up.

Once you're better, then deal with the bigger issue of your H.

[tea] and

Whoever thinks I'm screaming at my child, needs to re read the post, unless I posted wrong. She's been screaming at me, not the other way around

and 'the way I talk about her?' I love my daughter and she knows it, so please back off.

Being a surrogate may just be an act of kindness to some, but I've been dreaming of doing it for 10 years. Invested so much into it and it's gone tits up.

There's no way I can get to my sisters, just can't afford it, and really don't want my daughter getting sick again so soon.

I've still not eaten but starting to feel peckish. So maybe toast later...

To those saying about the gp, I do think it's just been a shit couple of weeks. If this progresses any further, I'll go to my GP as I don't want my daughter affected by this. Wouldn't be fair on her.

May be a little mean but DH tried it on with me, and I started gagging, 2 mins earlier I told him I felt really sickly. He's left me alone since then, asking me how I feel and do I want him to make me a drink or food or would I like a cuddle.

His fathers passing isn't affecting me more. It's other things on top of that that's getting to me I think

Need to do some writing. That nearly always clears my head.

His father was a chronic alcoholic and had been ill for a while. Was in hosp over a month last time and that was only in January. He'd just got worst and carried on drinking.

Thank you for your kind words

I was uncomfortable reading about your daughter. That was me.

I don't understand what happened last night. I assumed there'd been some sort of argument while she was in your room wanting her daddy?

I can't make head nor tail of this to be honest.

YOU said you'd "lost your rag" with your daughter, that you almost hit your partner and that now she's terrified of you.

Yeah I lost my rag, I shouted, once. I hate shouted.

I never hit him, never have never will.

Guess you've never been so angry you've nearly hit out at someone? Lucky you. No sarcasm, seriously, lucky you. Because it's shit.

I'm sorry about your FIL, alcoholism is horrible and is one of those conditions that affects the entire family.

I hope you all start to feel better soon.

I think I remember a thread you started where you felt as though your dd hated you. You sounded and sound so angry and despairing. I really think you need some help in trying to work everything out - you say you have no friends,is there no-one at all you can talk to?

My FIL just passed away,

Is that your DP's dad?

But if your daughter is afraid of you, Surro, that's really, really not ok.

I'm not having a go at you but your anger is an issue and it needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't be surprised if that's why she gets night terrors, the poor thing.

Night terrors don't mean she is afraid. That is unfair.

So your DP's dad has just died, he has a chest infection and a partner who "nearly" hit him in anger.

Your daughter is afraid of you and spends her nights screaming. It's too late not to let this affect her - it clearly already is.

You need to do something - whether that's leaving, or going to your GP, or calming down and talking to your partner sensibly. But I'm amazed that anyone can seriously write about how their life is difficult because their FIL has just died, whilst showing absolutely no compassion towards their partner whose parent has died.

Regardless if your Fil was an alcoholic, he was your DP's dad, and should be allowed to grieve. That is only humane and natural.

You do seem to have anger issues, quite probably as a result of sleep deprivation, but it seems unfair to put the blame at your DP's doorstep at this time for him.

Why do you think your dd wants her daddy more than you at the moment? Are you sure you have not shouted at her in frustration? I have with my children.

I really have no idea about your plans to be a surrogate mother. My immediate reaction is DO NOT DO IT, at least till your more settled.

(I normally think that advice posted on threads like this is crap and meaningless, so do as you will)

Now my daughter doesn't want me, she wants daddy, she looked fucking terrified of me

The OP said her daughter looked terrified of her. I agree - that's not ok.