Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To vasectomy or not to vasectomy...

176 replies

Marquand · 18/04/2016 10:12

I'm currently pregnant with DC3. I'm 43, and DP is 46, so in both our minds this is definitely the last one.

I would like DP to have a vasectomy - I really don't want to use the pill in future, and I'm not too keen on condoms either.

He said a straight out NO when I asked him. I really don't think it's an unreasonable request.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Somerville · 19/04/2016 20:04

Coil releases hormones. Copper coil - ugh.

Isn't cap and diaphragm same thing? (It's been a while but I should probably brush up now there's a new man in my life Grin). Whichever one is like a smaller moon cup and you put spermicide in and push it up to your cervix. I got pregnant with DC2 using that Smile I used it every time, but it's impossible to know it's in the right place.

Female condoms - I remember stats were ebad for that as well. dropped from something like 99% effectiveness for male condoms to 95%. Since we'd already been in the 1% we weren't taking our chances.

Shockingly few really reliable options, IMO.

pearlylum · 19/04/2016 20:15

No method is 100% effective- even vasectomy.

Some methods are better suited to women at different stages of their life. Hormonal contraceptives are more suited to younger women because of health risks, a woman like the OP , at 43 with a much lower fertility may find a barrier method like a diaphram gives adequate protection.

I don't know why you find it "shocking"- many of us manage to produce no more than the desired number of children- even without sterilisation.

Somerville · 19/04/2016 20:40

And many others have at least one more child than they planned. Or terminations. Or both.

I stand by finding it shocking (in terms of appalling - not surprise) that so little funding is committed to solving these issues. Almost everyone on this thread agrees that permanent sterilisation of whatever type is a drastic step, not to be taken lightly. More options would be a good thing all round.

froggers1 · 19/04/2016 20:41

My husband had the snip and has a lot of pain still. Four years later. I would never recommend it

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2016 20:47

landrover
"I find it bizarre that women are happily expected to give birth"

I'm not convinced about "happily" but I don't know of another way of having children.

tilder · 19/04/2016 23:06

I am also shocked by the methods of contraception available. Or lack of methods. Fertility is such a basic, fundamental thing. Yet we seem to be really bad at controlling it. For those who aren't fertile enough and those (like me!) who wish they weren't.

Hormones of any kind really don't agree with me. Plus the side effects concern me more each year.

Barrier methods are horrible, plus not effective enough. After years of a coil, I really don't want to go back to them.

I'm having my mirena out. The hormones have killed my sex drive. I'm not having a copper coil again as heavy painful bleeding 2 weeks out of 4 really isn't fun.

So really I'm left with sterilisation. Him or me. Great. Especially after reading this thread.

BlueJug · 20/04/2016 00:16

I agree that considering what we can do medically we have not really come very far in the field of contraception.

I have used all methods - pill when I was younger, coil when I was in my 40s and already a mother, cap and condoms in between. None was worry free. Each was reversible though.

Research is continuing into hormonal contraception for men I believe - the sooner the better.

I have found this thread surprising as I believed the "it's a simple procedure - just a snip" line. I had no idea about the possible consequences. Once again MN has taught me something useful.

curren · 20/04/2016 05:41

How many women are given a leaflet about the implications of giving birth, Gnome?

I don't know about anyone else, but we studied it at school, in biology. I didn't need a leaflet.

I find it bizarre that women are happily expected to give birth (vaginally or C section).

you find it bizarre that women give birth? Really?

If a couple decides they want a baby, how are they going to go about it? Someone has to give birth? And it can't be the man.

Men may not post MN about worries about the health implications of child birth. MN isn't the whole country or planet. Every man I know has worried about their partner giving birth and the possible things that could go wrong.

Besides which, most women who are pregnant.....want to be pregnant. It's not something they do just for trot partner.

IlikePercyPig · 20/04/2016 07:51

I am never getting the snip, I have two friends who've had it done and they've had nothing but problems since and one of them is getting divorced because his wife blames herself for making him have it done.

Fuck that.

2under2aagh · 20/04/2016 07:59

From a medical view point the chances of conceiving naturally at the age of 44, which you will be after this baby are extremely low

I think you are over reacting!

You were lucky to conceive at your age but it most likely won't happen again

Have you even spoken to a doctor? Doesn't sound like it but given your age a doctor would deem it unnecessary

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2016 08:07

curren I think that a lot of partners worry about the risks of birth but at least IME a lot of that worry is focused on the immediate time on/after the birth rather than on the risk of permanent injury.

In a similar way I think a lot of men worry (or are terrified) about the immediate time on/after a vasectomy. If my colleague was anything to go by, the risk of permanent pain just hadnt been mentioned.

For both scenarios I think that there is an unwillingness at least in the general practice to mention that things can go wrong. Then when something does go wrong it is seen as something highly unusual. The patient feels that they are the one who is weird or even in the wrong.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/04/2016 09:11

I do think we should be disappointed at the lack of contraceptives available at this point of history.

Froggers and ilikepercypig, your husbands and your friends experiences and my husbands and The Fuzzs, are apparently 'outliers' and their experiences so far from the norm that they shouldn't really post about it.

Sigh.

t4gnut · 20/04/2016 09:16

Friends DP had a vasectomy - got infected. Apparently they turned purple and swelled up to the size of pears for best part of a month.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/04/2016 09:22

Just a month would have been good!

scaevola · 20/04/2016 09:39

TheFuzz is towards the severe end of PVPS, but is not an outlier.

What he describes is what PVPS is like, ditto the lack of effective treatments as even the very intrusive further surgeries are not necessarily going to work.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/04/2016 09:45

Mm, Dh lost his testicle - it kind of died inside(?) after 5/6 infections wouldn't go away and then an abscess.
The good news is that he doesn't get bad PVPs in the other one!

In the hospital, one of the nurses said, (meant kindly I think) "Bet you feel terrible!" I did feel terrible but fortunately I didn't feel responsible, because I hadn't pushed him to do it. If I had - that would have been a whole new layer of disaster.

2under2aagh · 20/04/2016 09:51

Why is this even being discussed given the op's age?

There are loads of forms of contraception available including the mini pill, both forms of the coil or even the withdrawal method given the chances of conceiving naturally at 44 are scientifically slim to nothing.

Bizarre!

2under2aagh · 20/04/2016 09:54

Some facts given the persons age

www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/trying-to-conceive/getting-pregnant-at-every-pregnancy-age/

FarAwayHills · 20/04/2016 10:04

DH had it done after DD2 was born. I had a difficult labour and lost a lot of blood and he didn't want to see me go through that again. This plus many years of me dealing with the pill and the associated risks he just made the decision himself that this was the best thing to do.

Somerville · 20/04/2016 10:18

2under2

The OP is currently pregnant, at 43. Assuming this happened naturally and not with intervention, her risk of getting pregnant again in her forties is much higher than the average 43 year old. Sure, not as high as when she was 33, but still much higher.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/04/2016 10:20

given the chances of conceiving naturally at 44 are scientifically slim to nothing.

That's not true.

tilder · 20/04/2016 10:36

I have 3 children and am in my forties. I want another child now about as much as I wanted a baby when I was 16.

Just that the risks to me and any hypothetical baby at my age (43) are much greater. I had serious complications after dc3. Another child would be a serious risk. It would probably also be career ending for me and would have a knock on effect on our existing children.

I am extremely fertile and yes I am sure less so than a decade ago but another pregnancy is not a risk I want to take. Hence my need for very reliable contraception. It is not unusual for a surprise bonus baby to come along in your forties.

Hormone contraception has negatives and in me causes depression and loss of sex drive. So not an option. Am having the mirena out for that reason. Copper coil caused heavy painful bleeding for half a month at a time. Barrier methods are not reliable enough (after 3 vaginal deliveries I shudder to think of the size of cap I would needGrin). Neither of us enjoy the condom experience as much.

So what else is there apart from sterilisation? Am not sure about that option anymore either.

tilder · 20/04/2016 10:38

BTW not saying 'your turn to take the risk' but for those concerned with vasectomy risks and advocating use of a coil. Have you Googled the risks associated with that?

2under2aagh · 20/04/2016 11:22

But she is ageing, as are we all. What is the point in her husband having a vasectomy when she wont be fertile for much longer!

It would be waste of nhs funds!

2under2aagh · 20/04/2016 11:25

3/4 % chance of conceiving naturally

Let's be honest people the odds of anyone that age 'falling' pregnant and have a full term pregnancy aren't good

To vasectomy or not to vasectomy...