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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To vasectomy or not to vasectomy...

176 replies

Marquand · 18/04/2016 10:12

I'm currently pregnant with DC3. I'm 43, and DP is 46, so in both our minds this is definitely the last one.

I would like DP to have a vasectomy - I really don't want to use the pill in future, and I'm not too keen on condoms either.

He said a straight out NO when I asked him. I really don't think it's an unreasonable request.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Emptynestx2 · 18/04/2016 16:41

Husband had it done a few years ago, took 20 minutes, done Friday and at work Monday. No problems at all.

Alasalas2 · 18/04/2016 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 18/04/2016 16:51

DH had his vasectomy done at local surgery, it's not necessarily a hospital job.

I left it up to him, I didn't want to use hormonal contraception any more so we used condoms until he made up his mind. It took him about 2 yrs to make the appointment mind! But his body and all that...

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 16:52

His body, his choice. DH had it done about 6 years ago. It's ace.

Duckdeamon · 18/04/2016 17:03

His body, his choice. no other reason needed, nor research.

It's a PITA that women have to deal with a lot of the contraception options and that condoms are less reliable. But none of that means there should be an expectation on men to have the snip!

Posters saying their DH or DP was fine doesn't mean the one in ten stat of pain is incorrect or a negligible factor in men's decisions.

Alasalas2 · 18/04/2016 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 18/04/2016 17:17

"Pain of labour outweighs snip pain"

It's not a competition.

His bollocks his choice.

scaevola · 18/04/2016 17:20

"Snip is safe, fast, effective and relatively painless"

It took 18 months for DH to get his all clear.

If you want fast, you are much better off with a LARC such as mirena or implant, or female sterilisation (the next month with trad laparoscopic version, up to 3 months max with Essure).

(And it's only safe/relatively painless for 90% of those having it done).

scaevola · 18/04/2016 17:22

"I have know idea where some of the stats quoted above are coming from"

NHS Choices website.

If you google for original research papers, you'll actually find many which out the risk as considerable higher (and yes, I mean published papers in peer-reviewed journals indexed in the main research data bases)

tinyterrors · 18/04/2016 17:23

His body, his choice.

It's not unreasonable to ask him but it's equally not unreasonable for him to say no.

We're finished having children but dh won't have the snip because of the risk of complications. Equally I won't be sterilised because of the risk of complications for me.

For most cases the pain of labour is far worse than the pain of a vasectomy, however my friend's OH wouldn't agree. He's needed up with serious and continuous pain since he had it done six months ago, he's on heavy duty painkillers just to get through the day.

At the end of the day you both have to agree on contraception. He doesn't want the snip, you don't want to take hormones so you'll have to find something else that works for both of you.

AuntieStella · 18/04/2016 17:25

I read this in a different way.

Because it's totally OK for a person to decline to have surgery for any reason.

OP's problem sounded to me as totally unrelated to future contraception choices or sterilisation, and instead everything to do with the level of communication with her DH.

Chlobee87 · 18/04/2016 17:29

His body, his choice. no other reason needed, nor research.

I agree that ultimately it's his body and his choice but I would be exceptionally hurt if my DH didn't feel that my opinions or wishes were important enough for him to at least give them thoughtful consideration. Especially when you consider that all the alternativs place a not insignificant degree of risk onto the female partner (pills, implants etc all come with side effects and an unwanted pregnancy itself can be a very dangerous business). Unless we assume that the male partner is willing to seriously consider a complete end to sex within the relationship?

BlueJug · 18/04/2016 17:30

His body, his choice.
Find another way.
In the meantime it would be good to lobby the drugs companies to speed up the development of a male contraceptive.

( Oh and use other methods but YANBU to be fed up with it all being on you.)

OutToGetYou · 18/04/2016 17:34

It's a great idea that couples should take turns with reversible contraception.

How about someone does a list of all the reversible contraception for women, if I start us off with the one for men?

OK: 1) condoms
2) nope, I'm stuck, can anyone else think of any?

Plus, the list for women obviously isn't suitable for all women. I am allergic to progesterone, so practically no hormonal contraception is suitable for me. It's a life threatening allergy too, not just that the pill makes me fat or anything like that.

So, for any couple, all this has to be weighed up and it's different every time.

I don't think the cauterisation method I mentioned has the risks the traditional method does, as there is no cutting.

But I'd agree it's not 'fast', dp had it done Jan and we've not got the all clear yet.

Oh, I did consider sterilisation, but the first time I asked the NHS they said no because I was too young and hadn't had kids. Next time I asked I was apparently too old (too near menopause). And I didn't want to pay for it to be done privately

Helmetbymidnight · 18/04/2016 17:35

When we called the ambulance for DH's third stay in hospital following snip complications, they offered him gas and air, and then he had to have morphine.

Pain of labour outweighs snip pain - Not necessarily

Chlobee87 · 18/04/2016 17:35

*alternatives

meditrina · 18/04/2016 17:47

"I don't think the cauterisation method I mentioned has the risks the traditional method does, as there is no cutting"

The risk is across all methods. The cause of PVPS is not fully understood.

And it's hell when it happens.

tilliebob · 18/04/2016 17:50

DH volunteered after dc3 was born. Being pg and having babies isn't risk free either. I'm about to go into hospital to correct a birth injury and dc3 is 8 now. He drove himself there and back and was fine within a week. Best thing he ever did - we've both reaped the benefits Wink

Alasalas2 · 18/04/2016 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/04/2016 18:33

No means No

and

His body his choice

no other statements are required

Pixienott0005 · 18/04/2016 21:40

I think because there are so many forms of contraception for women that men seem reluctant to have part of their willies snipped, and who can blame them!

He should consider it, but is it obvious that you could do something easier? Coil, implant, injection?

Getting the snip would be my first choice too because it's done and dusted! But I can get why blokes don't want to.

tangerino · 18/04/2016 21:47

As others have said, it's 100% his choice and I don't think it's on to try to influence his decision. On the other hand, he should absolutely be addressing the contraception Q with you and not assuming you'll be on the pill.

Would you consider a coil? Mirena is fab and much lower dose of hormones than the pill. Or copper coil?

BlueJug · 18/04/2016 22:25

I had never heard of PVPS - just googled. Horrible. I wouldn't want my partner or my sons to do this.

I couldn't use the pill - it made me ill and the GP wouldn't prescribe. I used a cap - found it easy. Took two seconds to pop in. Used with condoms it was pretty much 100%. Later I had a coil but I accept not easy for everyone.

Scholes34 · 18/04/2016 23:02

Nothing's risk free, except post-vasectomy sex once you've had the all clear (though no doubt someone will have a story to tell to prove me wrong). Anyway, you get the gist of what I'm saying.

LogicalThinking · 18/04/2016 23:15

DH said it was the least that he could do after I had been on the pill for a decade and given birth twice. There was no way I was going back to hormonal contraception after having kids. The risks increase as you get older.I had constant thrush with the coil, the risk of pregnancy was too high with the cap and neither of us liked condoms.

I do think it's unreasonable for him to dismiss it out of hand and I also think that he needs to take responsibility for contraception if it's not something he will consider.
His body, his choice, but he should consider it and discuss all of the options properly.

It was the best thing ever for our sex life - remove any risk of pregnancy and we wouldn't get enough of it!