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Original poster

To vasectomy or not to vasectomy...

176 replies

Marquand · 18/04/2016 10:12

I'm currently pregnant with DC3. I'm 43, and DP is 46, so in both our minds this is definitely the last one.

I would like DP to have a vasectomy - I really don't want to use the pill in future, and I'm not too keen on condoms either.

He said a straight out NO when I asked him. I really don't think it's an unreasonable request.

What do you think?

OP posts:
TheFuzz · 18/04/2016 23:48

I'm one of the affected 10%. Chronic pain for 3.5 years and counting. Surgery, drugs, bollock injections and nothing works. To top it off the surgery has damaged my testosterone production and I've ended up on injections. I've given that up following a serious accident as the injections would leave me limping for 5 days out of every 2 weeks and the accident has made me unsteady.

Sex life is down to once every three months if lucky. No drive, errections not great and in agony especially after sex.

The worst decision of my life. Men only have 2 choices. Condoms or surgery. When the surgery goes wrong it is irreversible. I do not know of anyone that's had successful treatment. Reversal can drop the pain.

I wouldn't recommend any surgery for contraception as the risks are high. We both get to regret this for the next 30 years.

TheFuzz · 18/04/2016 23:56

Go check out Patient.org and see the vasectomy pages. It's full of men with pain and other problems. Upto 30% can get long term pain. I go with 10. My pain consultant told me you will not find many male pain consultants who would have the snip. My Urologist has tried his best. I was due two denervation operations but the risks are high and I could end up completely numb down stairs. I've given up on that idea following the accident as my body is wrecked after that.

It's a huge cover up. The pain is incredible and even drugs don't help. Tried the lot.

TheFuzz · 18/04/2016 23:57

Oh and I was given the 'IT'S YOUR TURN' to take control. How we both regret that.

Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 00:01

I do hope what PPs say about recurrent ball pain is true and my ex H is one of the one in 10 Smile

I agree with PPs it's not a pay off - men cannot help that we have the babies and they don't.

Sit down with him with a bottle of wine and try and discuss his fears or worries or objections.

When my ex had it done he didn't shave his balls properly and a hair got caught in the incision site and he had a horrible infection - I would say a good wax beforehand is the way to go Grin

Alasalas2 · 19/04/2016 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFuzz · 19/04/2016 00:26

Most couples when making the decision to go ahead with the snip are not told about the chronic pain and how common it is.

If you did something that meant you'd had a 1 in 10 of not having a sex life you would think again.

We weren't told of the risks. There are others who comment on all the threads too. Too many women think the snip is a big joke. If couples had the correct information then you can make an informed choice. Your GP will not give you this information and the advice sheets are lacking.

My wife came with me for the op and she commented it felt like some back street abortion clinic.

Quook · 19/04/2016 00:27

I got sterilized rather than DH getting a vasectomy. It's done as day surgery and takes 7 mins. I was out for hardly any time at all and left the hospital really soon after. Apart from the pain killers given at the time I didn't need any once I'd left the hospital. It felt sore but it wasn't any worse than a bad period.

I KNOW everyone reacts differently but for me it couldn't have been simpler. It was fantastic knowing I couldn't get pregnant but that we didn't have to use (other) contraception. The fact it's works immediately is an added bonus.

I don't think you can pressurize so one into having an operation if they don't want it. Likewise you shouldn't have to use contraception that you don't want to.

Alasalas2 · 19/04/2016 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Out2pasture · 19/04/2016 01:08

wow, to all those giving stats on vasectomy and pain where are the numbers on delivery?
some women die giving birth, long term effects of perineal pain, vaginal and rectal prolapse, add in urinary incontinence in later years.
the male snip is a walk in the park compared to what a woman goes through.
OP should you have a vaginal delivery by all means insist your husband follow through with a vasectomy and should you need a c/s speak to your consultant and request a tubal ligation at the same time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2016 06:40

Out2pasture
"wow, to all those giving stats on vasectomy and pain where are the numbers on delivery?"

You could always go and find some stats on the pain during delivery.

"by all means insist your husband follow through with a vasectomy"

Again, his body his choice, all these posts about "doing their bit", "the pain that woman go through during child birth", doesn't alter that its not the woman's body to do as she wishes.

Or are those saying that he should have it done saying that "your body, your choice" only applies to women?

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2016 06:44

Alasalas2
TheFuzz

You comment on every vasectomy thread. It's not right to make it a personal crusade. I am terribly sorry you suffered from your operation but this isn't the case for everyone and it's a personal choice one would hope is made based on research

Is it wrong for someone to fill in the missing information? Or is it because his experiences don't reflect the happy, quick, safe and incomplete information that is being pushed on men when it comes to a vasectomy?

curren · 19/04/2016 06:53

Pain of labour outweighs snip pain

That's not even relevant.

Nor is the 'it's your turn'. Hormonal contraception isn't permanent.

Dh wanted to have the snip because we were are both 100% certain we don't want anymore kids. We don't want an accident.

However it wasn't easy. He usually takes pain in his stride. But he was really bad for about 2 weeks. He is self employed so lost money. If he could have worked he would have. He was in pain, but not enough to stop work for another 6 months. 3 years later he still gets pain. I would say about once a week he finds it very uncomfortable.

At the end of the day, it's his body and his choice. It's not unreasonable to ask him. It would be unreasonable to try and make him.

Dhs doctor was very clear about the risks. So clear, in fact, that I didn't want him to go through with it. The risks are very real and not what I consider rare. But dh wanted to so he went ahead.

As luck would have it, I am back on contraception. Because after coming off it I was diagnosed as pcos. I didn't know I had it as my contraception seemed to settle the symptoms. So my doctor put me back on it. Dh just shrugs his shoulders and says he doesn't have to worry about all healing itself (which does happen occasionally) and me getting pg by accident.

pearlylum · 19/04/2016 06:55

I wouldn't ask my OH to have a vasectomy. I had read about the high complication risk and the increasing awarene of auto= immune disease following surgery.

One of our close friends had a vasectomy, within 6 months he developed an auto immune disease, now tow years on he is struggling to speak and walk.
I know this is anecdotal but we have been shocked at the sudden onset of this following such "routine" surgery.

We have used the diaphragm during our 40s. It's as reliable as condoms, with no side effects. Fertility in a woman's 40s drops dramatically anyway, so although maybe not the first choice for a 22 year old, is ststistically good enough in the less fertile years.

lostincumbria · 19/04/2016 07:23

I had the operation 10 years ago. No pain and best decision I've ever made (once we'd been through the horror of the first late period Shock)

meditrina · 19/04/2016 07:29

I think it is totally wrong to try to silence those who have the complications of a procedure under discussion.

Silence around the complications means it's all to easy for people to conclude that perhaps it's not so bad and people are making a fuss about nothing.

An actual description of a level of pain that requires denervation, and the effects of testosterone replacement make for much less pleasant reading.

And that's the reality of PVPS. And should be part of everyone's research.

SweepTheHalls · 19/04/2016 07:33

We are having this discussion now and it is me warning DH of the potential risks of long term pain for him. We decided that is wasn't worth the risk and I am having another coil fitted instead.

MrsJamin · 19/04/2016 07:33

It is his body but you need to sell him the benefits, no worries about more children or faffing round with contraception, plus not having a partner affected negatively by hormones. Best decision we ever made!

NerrSnerr · 19/04/2016 07:35

Mrs- it may be the best decision you've made but it doesn't mean that it is the best decision for everyone. It shouldn't be a case of 'selling the benefits'. Imagine the outcry on here if a poster came on saying that her husband was trying to persuade her to have an operation that she didn't want!

BlueJug · 19/04/2016 07:54

TheFuzz - I am so sorry to hear this - and thank you for telling us about it. My DP and I never even considered it as cap +condoms and later the coil were fine for us - but I have teens and would like to think that my DS would not be pushed into doing something without knowing the risks.

As for your joining "every vasectomy thread" - please continue to do so; we need to learn. There are particular posters who post again and again on specific threads, (topics ranging from fertility, autism, and economics to money, benefits, transgender and universities. I for one believe that their insights and experiences are invaluable to any discussion - as are yours).

TheFuzz · 19/04/2016 07:57

The risk of long term pain is very common but is not factored into the decision as doctors and medical advice is scarce. Only when you have it and are seeing a Urologist or checking in for more surgery do you get 'oh we see lots of men with complications'. That's a shock.

I've spent another night on the settee in pain in my nuts. We are looking into a pop up bed of some sort for me to sleep on downstairs. That's 3.5 years of this. I hate hotels as it means I have no where to sleep.

I don't have a mission but I want to tell people how common it is. I've also lost money. Been off sick for 4 weeks with the snip ( swollen and infected) then another 5 with an epdidymectomy (testicle removed, epididymis cut off and testicle stitched back in, a two hour procedure), then days off with severe pain. It's almost cost my job and my career. It's not just a little pain when it has far reaching implications.

If you want to take the risk fine. Having a miserable husband who may resent being in that position isn't great.

Headofthehive55 · 19/04/2016 08:13

I'm glad that people are starting to talk about the risks of long term pain with this. Years ago I think men were shushed, and were told oh it must just be you. I think there has been historically a lot of pressure for men to do this and shut up if it goes wrong.

If you have been used to hc your periods will get heavier...

Alasalas2 · 19/04/2016 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 19/04/2016 08:20

curren I think it's really commen for women to go back to using hc. They often have never had lots of hormonal free periods so are used to light periods with little pain. Or pcos has been masked.

I have spent my adult life trying to get pregnant it seems so no hc for me...and suffered ridiculously heavy periods ( incapacitating) getting worse with age. I couldn't wait for hc when I finally had completed our family!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 19/04/2016 08:22

I am glad tosee Fuzz on here, because there have been vasectomy threads he hasn't been on to help with balance as some women absolutely minimize the potential complications. Just because it may "only" affect 10% doesn't make it any less serious.

Alasalas you are wrong to "have a go" at Fuzz for speaking about his experience because clearly a lot of people think vasectomy is simple and has no risk and it's important that people get the full picture so they can make an informed choice. I can't imagine any woman trying to shut up another woman giving her personal experience of problems with contraception, so please give the same resepct to Fuzz.

My uncle had the snip and has experience pretty much replicates Fuzz and as a result I would never choose it for myself.

As other PPs have said "his body his choice" in exactly the same way as we say that to women.

witsender · 19/04/2016 08:32

We are struggling with this decision at the moment. Dh is happy to do it, I'm wobbly! But I can't do hormonal contraception any more as it drives me nuts, which includes the coil. I am looking at the copper coil but the risk of massive bleeding every month has me uncertain.