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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it wasn't my fault that her coat got dirty

504 replies

NatureRun · 18/04/2016 08:00

In a busy coffee shop with 8-month-old DS and our NCT group. A woman pulled an extra chair up to join her friends at crowded table next to us. She sat down within grabbing range of DS and before I could stop him he twisted round in highchair and grabbed hold of her pale grey coatigan thing that she'd draped over chair and wiped his mouth on it Shock He had prune puree and yogurt around his mouth as I was feeding him Blush

Woman jumped up angrily and told me off. I apologised profusely but she was really angry. She insisted I pay for dry-cleaning. I refused (had she been nicer I may have offered) but she was making a scene and I loathed her.

If you sit within grabbing distance of a prune-covered baby surely that's not my fault? Or am I BU?

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 20/04/2016 08:19

Too right I would be annoyed if a baby did that to my coatigan, but I would be annoyed at myself for not forseeing the obvious. I wouldn't be annoyed at the op or the baby.

The baby was only doing what a reasonable person would forsee. It is a reasoanable assumption that a baby might grab anything close by so it was the womans responsibility to sit somewhere safe.

I think the law uses the word reasonable person a lot.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 08:30

You sound very sensible couldn't agree with you more Charlotte12. She chose to sit next to a baby that was being fed and if it was that busy and cramped what could the mother do. The woman should have taken better care of her coat rather than throwing blame. With what has recently happened in Brussels and France do we really want to make a mother feel guilty about her 8 month old baby rubbing his face on a strangers coat.

dowhatnow · 20/04/2016 08:41

The op didn't contribute to the negligence. There was definitely contributory negligence from the woman. I think the law also looks at contributory negligence.

GraysAnalogy · 20/04/2016 11:00

With what has recently happened in Brussels and France do we really want to make a mother feel guilty about her 8 month old baby rubbing his face on a strangers coat

Are you being serious?

And again, must take note to not sit in the vicinity of a baby otherwise i should expect to get covered in food. Oh that means I probably can't eat out during the day then Hmm

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 11:23

Your coat your responsibility nothing to do with the OP. Why she should she take responsibility for someone else's belongings.

GraysAnalogy · 20/04/2016 11:33

I'm not saying she should take responsibility for someone elses belongings, she should take responsibility for the actions of her child which in this case dirtied someones belongings. this rhetoric that anyone who dares to sit within a vicinity of a baby should expect to be dirtied is quite frankly a load of shit from parents who think the world should cater to their darlings - and I say this as a mother.

If my dog dirties a person whilst we are out on a walk, I'll take responsibility. If my child dirties someone whilst we are out eating I'll take responsibility. He is my child and he doesn't know that he can't just grab things, therefore it is my responsibility as a mother to ensure it doesn't happen. If it does, which it might do because I'm not supermum, then I'll apologise and take responsibility.

And your line about Brussels and France is possibly the most Hmm comment I've read on here.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 11:38

GraysAnalogy as I said in an earlier post babies do make a lot of mess. I took my 11 month old with my other children to Benny and Jerry's the food went every where. He is saying what he wants and what he don't want I can't chastise him because he doesn't understand he thinks its a game thats babies. I sat in the corner away from other people because we thought that would be the sensible thing to do. If someone sat right up close to my child seeing the mess around him that would be their business not mine.

The reason why I said my partner is not keen on going into public places with babies is for that reason. He does not want to get into arguments with anyone and as he says he does not want to get ignorant on anyone.

GraysAnalogy · 20/04/2016 11:41

So that corner becomes yours and yours only then unless they're willing to get dirty? That's what you're saying. Don't you realise how silly that sounds?

I don't want another persons kid getting my clothes dirty but I accept that sometimes it might happen, but what I expect is for the parent to apologies and I don't expect this shrugging of shoulders and the 'well you shouldnt have sat near us' view

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 11:48

Of course apologise but if the other person wants to have a go and become ignorant over the situation how should the op react. People did sit next to us on the other table but the person who was sat closest to the high chair showed common sense and didn't sit to close. I think people just needs to have common sense I couldn't move the high chair anywhere else I'm in the corner.

Whisky2014 · 20/04/2016 11:52

I think if this was me with the dirtied cardigan I would be pissed off but obviously know the mother isn't at fault. I would have expected the mother to offer an apology and depending on her attitude I would decide if I wanted to ask her to pay dry cleaning or not.

The comments about being stupid enough to sit beside a baby is ridiculous.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 20/04/2016 11:58

Before this thread nudges closer to the twilight zone it was an accident, shit happens and an apology was enough.

People are so angry these days.

This, from the first page.

gandalf456 · 20/04/2016 12:06

I must admit, while I get the arguments that you can't say well don't sit near a baby (mine are older and you DO forget), I hate it when you are already in a confined space and someone comes and squashes into it. I agree with those who say she was too close

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 12:12

People are angry want compensation its as if no one has any common sense. As a mother in a restaurant with a baby you try and find the best possible place to sit so no one gets harmed. No one goes out of their way to make some one dirty. I just try to be as reasonable as possible its all about common sense. The OP has every right to be their as well with her baby it was an accident and the woman did not show any common sense when she sat there. Did she not scan the situation maybe anyone thinking about going out with a baby should just stay in because they have no rights to space or privacy.

ArmySal · 20/04/2016 12:31

I don't think YABU, OP.

As a mother myself there isn't a chance I'd be parking my arse within grabbing distance of a baby who is being fed.

She'd have got a 'sorry' swiftly followed by a 'fuck off' if she'd begun getting shirty with me.

Boredworkingmum020 · 20/04/2016 12:58

I wonder what her attitutude would have been if one of her friends had spilt he coffee over her coat? Same thing, a complete accident

dowhatnow · 20/04/2016 14:31

What happened to personal responsibility? I can't stand this attitude of it's always somebody elses fault. The woman sat far too close in a non space. Her fault. Her responsibility to sit somewhere safe.

For some people it's always the fault of others. Never their own. This is why health and safety has gone mad. Nobody takes personal responsibility for themselves anymore. For Gods sake risk assess yourself, people, as this woman should have done.

It was the actions of someone else that caused this accident. The op was there first sitting in a designated space. The woman squeezed into a non designated space. Her responsibility.

Grilledaubergines · 20/04/2016 15:17

I can't understand fury at this. I wouldn't give a shit. I'd say 'not a problem, don't suppose I could pinch a couple of baby wipes?' And then I'd remove the mark left by the food. And then that would be it. Jesus people need to relax and save their upset for things which matter. A bit of pruney yoghurt doesn't matter.

CornishDoll82 · 20/04/2016 18:31

Since when did a coatigan need dry cleaning over a washing machine? Or a simple wipe down?

I hope I never become the kind of person that goes apoplectic at an accident. Or tries to make someone compensate me for a minor issue. These people must have little joy in their life

SuperFlyHigh · 20/04/2016 19:18

Still can't believe some of you would:-

A) tell her to fuck off
B) flip her the finger

This happened after the event the woman whose coatigan is bound to be annoyed or is it only in MN land where we smile sweetly (I would have not been bothered to be fair!) and say don't worry and are not allowed to be a bit cross?! Hmm

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 19:56

I think the op post sounds like a tragic accident when she put her coat on the chair. Say sorry for what happened but to demand her to pay for the dry cleaning bill she sounds like a bully and I wouldn't put up with that my back would go up immediatly. I do feel sorry for the woman she could have had a bad day divorce, losing house or flat anything lost her job. I think the one thing we can agree on is that it was an over reaction.

Sniv · 20/04/2016 20:05

To think it wasn't my fault that her coat got dirty (471 Posts)

A coat got dirty. 471 posts.
Oh, Mumsnet Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 20/04/2016 20:24

bumblebee as is always the way in MNland I think OP:-

Shrugged and said a half hearted apology maybe even shot a funny look at the woman for daring to sit near her and baby (coatigan woman was also at fault as she was probably in a hurry, late, dying to catch up with her friends etc) then carried on feeding baby.

Coatigan woman probably got enraged to mum of baby response and lack of politeness and lost her temper! This then caused mum of baby to engage in a "no way I'm not paying you and look you've upset baby!" which coatigan hadn't done, upset baby

Also OP said she was there with her NCT group so they were probably gassing away and feeding babies with one eye on baby and another on chat and finally OP also said she always frequented child friendly places, well this one couldn't have been exclusively child friendly could it?! As women without babies and children were also there as they have a right to be

Sunshowercap · 21/04/2016 07:26

maybe even shot a funny look at the woman for daring to sit near her and baby (coatigan woman was also at fault as she was probably in a hurry, late, dying to catch up with her friends etc)

I'm still a bit agog at this idea that the woman whose coat was stained was sitting "too close" - it was a crowded café. What was she supposed to do? It was as much her right to sit there, as the OP's.

bumblebee1234 · 21/04/2016 08:43

The op has a right to be there so does the woman. I guess I'm different I risk assess everything babies, children, crossing the road, driving a car, insurance and anything I care to sign up to. Sometimes I forget and I get clumsy I don't turn around and blame the other person, I say to myself stupid me. Should she have put her coat next to a feeding baby probably not it doesn't sound like a good idea does it. If you say she can put her coat where ever she wants its her right now I would say you're being difficult and unreasonable.

fascicle · 21/04/2016 09:40

Sunshowercap
I'm still a bit agog at this idea that the woman whose coat was stained was sitting "too close" - it was a crowded café. What was she supposed to do? It was as much her right to sit there, as the OP's.

The OP said it was a busy cafe, and that the woman brought over an extra chair to a crowded table, putting her (and coatigan) within grabbing distance of OP's baby.

Perhaps she could have squeezed her chair in somewhere around her friends' table that did not place her back to back with a feeding baby. Or put her coatigan somewhere other than the back of her chair.