To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

Well, what else would you have me do, Glitter? I haven't been rude to people so really it comes down to being goady (in your eyes) because my view differs to yours.

Mouse I agree people don't divorce for fun but I do think there's often s 'grass is greener' element to it as yeahsure articulated well.

No math I'm not saying that at all.

I'd have you tell us why you started the thread. Who are you judging? Why?

Tell me OP what you would tell my husband who walked out on us, me, his little daughter aged 5, and his little son aged 3.

Would you convince him divorce was bad for his children? Of course it was. So go find him and tell him.

Well not really, because in the above example the man could well decide that 'we are not happy any more' and opt to divorce

Well yes really, because nobody can force someone not to divorce, and as stated, people tell themselves all sorts of lies. The other party can be as committed to marriage as he or she could possibly be, and could be willing to do whatever it took to stay together, but they are still going to end up divorced if the other individual decides that is going to happen.

But go ahead and tar everyone with the same brush why doncha..

If you yourself have issues wrt not being wanted after a certain age, then seek help for that. Do not blithely and without any care for the effect of your self indulgence on other people cast aspersions on the judgement of millions. Nobody else who divorces is responsible for whatever unhappiness you feel.

You are going to have to come up with the source of your 'information' if you are to be taken seriously.

Otherwise you risk being seen as someone with a bee in her bonnet who came here to upset divorced parents and to goad.

Oh wait....

You assume people here are too immature to engage in debate.

You really don't have much respect for your fellow humans, do you? Or much of a clue as to how you are coming across...

What a ridiculous courtroom TV drama, Math, give over with your demands to know her sources!

OPs start threads on contentious, divisive topics all the time for millions of reasons.

Just because some people are taking it as a personal assault doesn't mean the OP was deliberately goady or that her views aren't valid or something to be debated without hysteria and accusations.

And OP is clearly not vilifying or demonising anyone who's spouse has had an affair and run out on them, nor anyone who's been on the receiving end of abuse.

Math, I do not 'have' to do anything.

Some people have agreed. Others have not. That's okay; it's the way things go.

I know plenty of people get divorced for extremely good reasons and others get divorced for reasons that perhaps are not so strong but either way that's not what the thread is about. It is - it has to be - their choice.

However, where my opinion differs is that I don't think children of divorced parents will automatically go from miserable creatures huddling at the top of the stairs like on Mrs Doubtfire to confident little things skipping between mum and dads houses.

That's it, really.

there is so much literature assuring parents that their children will, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, be happy as long as they have happy parents and divorce will naturally lead to happiness, that I think parents listen to this refrain rather than being more objective about the situation

Really? All I ever hear is about children who are going to badly in school, have ASBOs by the time they're teenagers and have crap relationships and all because of the 'broken' family that was inflicted on them by their very often one real parent. You know, the one that actually does the parenting day in and day out with very little or no support

No-one divorces for fun! And yes sometimes the grass is greener but I'd rather water my own grass than have the constant arguments about how much water I'm allowed to use, whose turn it is to water the grass and when it should be done!!

Of course divorce has an impact on children but it's not always negative. Just like most other changes in their lives.

where my opinion differs is that I don't think children of divorced parents will automatically go from miserable creatures huddling at the top of the stairs like on Mrs Doubtfire to confident little things skipping between mum and dads houses.

Differs from who?

I'd also like to know what literature that is.

Divorce may affect the children, but that doesn't mean the effect is always negative.

Where divorce affects children negatively it's usually because or either (a) the parents not being able to be amicable about it or (b) them ending up much poorer as two households than they had been with one. Or a mixture of both.

Tbh, it's not the parents being married that makes for better outcomes for children. That's a correlation that appears because it's also associated with being more stable and affluent than not being married. Having parents who stay together but fight all the time and clearly hate each other is crap for kids too.

I also think one person's 'oh they just think the grass is greener' is likely to be another's purgatory. People don't tend to divorce on a whim, especially when children are involved, and what might appear to be being a bit less than optimally unhappy yo their friends may be abject misery to them (but they're not showing it publicly). How could you possibly know from outside the marriage what goes on within it?

Thank you yeahsure, even though I am not quite sure I deserve it!

I have to admit that as I have grown older and am a parent myself, I do look upon some of the things that they did with a certain .

But one thing I have learnt in life is that we all do what we can with what we have, and that includes the emotional as well as the material cards we are dealt.

On the whole, learning to empathise as much as possible and and extend some compassion towards the young and actually fairly damaged people they were themselves is the best way for me to come to terms with some of the worse aspects of all I lived.

My father has been dead some 20 years now, and for all his flaws there is little I would not give to have him back in my life and that of my children.

Isn't moving home up there in stress levels with bereavement and divorce?

Maybe we should never move home lightly. All those people thinking the grass will be greener and spaces bigger. Will no one think of the children?

Actually, I think it's fair to ask someone who claims that there is some huge body of literature out there what their sources are. If the literature didn't support their argument the person wouldn't mention it, so it's fair to ask to see what this is.

Liara Yes in some ways I look back with more understanding and compassion and in some ways less! I see how hard it can sometimes be, being in a relationship, being a parent, all the stresses and unforeseen obstacles. But I still can't see why they didn't make a better job of the divorce and subsequent step family scenarios. They could've done it so much better and we wouldn't all be so scarred.

Sorry about your father

I think if you were to ask on here most of the responses would be along the lines of - children are resilient, etc., or indeed anywhere on the Net.

Every divorce is different but of course children are always affected and will mull this effect over for the rest of their lives. I agree with most of what OP and Yeahsure have said. Totally reasonable. Usually only one partner is more selfish or casual than the other though. I have heard some divorced people say " the kids'll be fine, they're old enough to look after themselves now". Meanwhile I see these kids turning to drink or drugs to hide their pain. And often 2 unhappy together parents become 2 unhappy separated ones. No happy outcome either way. It takes a long time to heal for all concerned.

I'm not sure that it's helpful to start threads where the purpose is to encourage people to spout completely unfounded opinions about topics like how divorce affects children. That is at best irresponsible (considering how many people with children are divorced and don't need yet another swathe of moralising about it) and at worst outright inflammatory.

Fair enough if there's some new evidence to discuss. But what we have here is 'I think divorce is bad for children so women should shut up and put up unless they're being abused' and I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

I agree with you Lweji and I've known parents (married ones) uproot their DC in secondary school and even in GCSE years to move a long way away. This has to have had a negative impact on them!

Yes, I think so too, and in many ways there are parallels with divorce in that it shouldn't be done lightly but in some instances it is the best option, however this isn't always the case.

You have just asked in here.

Most children do have some form of traumatic event during their lives.
Divorce is one event that may occur. And children are resilient. They may be affected by the events, but not terribly.
All needs to be balanced. And for the most part, I think parents do try to.

The divorce didnt fuck my head up it was the subsequent behaviou..m

I do think there is some merit in this topic as a discussion. I have only seen one, or 2 at a push, examples of the attitude to divorce articulated in the OP and in these instances it was one person in the relationship the man in these examples who has it, who has been unfaithful and who was lax useless with the children before the divorce and continued the disinterest after the divorce. My own view is this would be a more useful thread on 'waste of space parentsnet' rather than with the people on here who do give a shit about their commitments. I doubt you would be hanging about on Mumsnet if you had reneged on your responsibility to your children.