To think divorce absolutely does affect children

[springtimevintagedream]

I realise it's sometimes the only option, but AIBU to think there's too much of a casual attitude towards the impact it has on children, possibly because it's so common?

I'm not talking about abusive relationships where it's definitely better for the abused not to stay. But in some cases do you think it can be quite selfish?

Aware it's a contentious issue.

True Eponas the whim is the fling or the affair or the beating up your partner or the choosing to drink/use substances today. The whim is rarely the actual divorce.

springtime My DSis tells people she divorced because "the spark had gone". That's because she didn't want to tell them that her husband repeatedly raped her.

What people tell you isn't always the truth.

I think how the parents handle the split up/divorce is much more important than the actual event. If it is acknowledged that it is a major life event and will have an impact on the children I think it is possible to minimize the damage.

My own Mum 30 years later still brags about how my parents divorce never affected my siblings and I I would totally disagree. Often when someone else is involved it makes it even harder as a new relationship takes priority and the children are expected to "suck it up".

Queenjuggler that is a very important point, I totally take that on board. Hope your sister is doing better now.

My parents divorce had a massive impact on my siblings and me. They are still friends 30 years on. However, they both embarked on getting their lives back on track and not being there, in a meaningful way for 7s, from our teens onwards.

My mother now wishes ( despite being remarried) that she had never left him for his infidelity and wishes that they both had tried harder.

DH's parents divorced when he was in his late teens. With no warning his dad got up one day, packed his bags and left. DH was left to deal with his DM who's world had fallen apart while also coping with his own feelings.

DHs parents still do not have an amicable relationship even after all this time. This has been even more difficult since our DCs were born and when organising family events. DH and I even got married in secret to avoid the stress of having to invite them both or having to choose one over the other.

It is not the divorce itself that is damaging, it is how it happens, how people behave and how life is managed after.

Yes that is completely right. I think children are always affected but not necessarily damaged, if both parents can accept the situation and put the children first like Jacqueshammer describes. But that is very difficult to do if one parent is incredibly hurt.

I think it's a rare divorce where both sides split amicably and never argue post divorce. Of course the children are going to be affected. To be honest, my dad was so violent, I dread to think what the consequences would have been if my mum had left him, even though I wished she would. He was a high earner professional as well, as was she.

"What people tell you isn't always the truth" exactly! People are embarrassed, ashamed (even if they shouldn't be even if it isn't their fault especially with abuse - the abusers have often convinced them they're at least partly to blame, but also infidelity - was I not making enough effort? Not attractive/sexy enough?) Plus ITS NOBODY ELSE'S BUSINESS!

to the IGNORANT posted who claimed their ex sil chose divorcebfor financial benefit and a lifestyle choice wtf!!

A women are most likely to be WORSE off after divorce

B you only have your brothers (probably bullshit!) Side of the story!

I wish my parents had got divorced, instead of my father having endless affairs, leaving and then comes my home (repeat) because he wanted the best of both worlds. We also had to put up with his moods too. And to this day I avoid conflict because I'm scared that one day my (lovely) husband will leave because I've upset him.

I think it's bloody stupid to stay together if you don't love each other.

My parents are still together - I'm not a product of a 'broken home', however I bloody wish I was.

My Mother hates my Father but does everything in the house = Cooking, cleaning, gardening, household admin, looks after my niece 4 days a week and works 20 hours in a supermarket.

My Father disrespects my Mother 'Shut up XXX, you're stupid', 'You used to be so pretty, now look at you'... He bought her a £1.99 calculator and notebook from Lidl for her 50th birthday and didn't bother celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. He worked until very recently and sits on his arse the rest of the time.

They have a toxic, horrible co-dependant relationship. They aren't a team - I've never even see them kiss in the 34 years of my life... I think I've seen them hold hands ONCE in that time. There's no love, no affection, no happiness, it's just horrible.

It's affected me and my siblings - All of us wish my parents weren't together but it's their life and therefore we now leave them to it... None of us want to spend time with them, together... as they argue, are horrible to each other and the atmosphere is so unpleasant.

i think when post divorce/seperation things become more about the adults wants/needs dressed up in rights than they do about the children then it would be odd to think it didn't have an impact.

It is possable to get divorced now for no other reason than to steal all the ex husband's assets and the children, and claim child support and wreck the children's lives...Lots of women see this as a life style choice now, screw there ex for all they can regardless of what the children want.

Is this 6 out of every 10? 7? 8? 9?

What vile bullshit your comment was, Vicky.

Divorce is the single biggest cause of childhood poverty. And poverty among single mothers, obviously. Because lots of formerly married fathers just slough off their former skin and grow another one.

It is not the divorce itself that is damaging, it is how it happens, how people behave and how life is managed after.
Amen to this.
The fact is OP, people are all unique, and every relationship is also unique. It is people who bring trauma into each other's lives. Selfish people, narcissistic people, sociopaths, psychopaths, immature, alcoholic, lazy people, co-dependent people, inadequate people.

Marriage doesn't necessarily make children happy. Divorce doesn't necessarily make children unhappy. It is the effort the people involved are willing to out into relationships to put the children first that makes the difference.

Maybe what we need is a personality test before people are allowed to marry, and a sterilisation programme for misfits who still insist on tying the knot. Or a guarantee that nobody will ever get cancer, no beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, or guinea pigs will die, nobody will ever get depressed or suffer PND or develop a chronic disease or go bankrupt or lose a job and have to work three lower paying ones to pay bills. We will live in a sanitised little Ladybird Book world where it is always sunny.

Fluffy, your parents' marriage is undoubtedly abusive from what you have said here.

Was just coming on to say what spring has.

Fluffy that's not an example of two people who have 'fallen out of love' or are staying in a stale-but-friendly marriage, that's an extremely abusive situation with two people that actively HATE each other! I'm sorry for your experience and that your mother is putting up your father's abuse. But it's frustrating that posters think that anyone on this thread thinks a marriage like that should stay in tact for any reason! Of course it shouldn't.

math Given your last paragraph above, you seem determined to put those of us who support the basic gist of the OP as dim-witted Pollyannas who think life should be a bowl of cherries and whose tiny little minds can't take on the fact that sometimes shit happens. That our kids are not going to have an Enid Blyton childhood followed by a Danielle Steele adulthood. However when you talk about illness, bereavement and financial disaster, they are largely out of our control. Choices in marriage are largely within our control.

I agree with all posters who say that it's not the divorce that affects kids, it's how it's managed. I have always said that about my own parents' divorce. There were new partners immediately (affairs), we were not supported, there were money battle played out before us. And that's why 40 years later the scars are still there.

I have to reiterate that among my friends and family, I still see selfish and blind behaviour when it comes to dc after divorce, I still hear 'the dc are fine, they are happy' when they are most definitely not. Some people either do think 'I'm so much happier so my dc must me' or they can't face up to some difficult truths.

Fluffy I don't want to say, but I suspect that if yoour parents had divorced they would have gone into a very sour, fighting type of situation, the one that so many people describe as being so hurtful in a divorce.
Whether it would have been better isn't sure at all.

Even a bitter divorce tends to go for a few years at worst. Even if the parents keep hating each other, you get some respite.
If they continue married, you are constantly exposed to their bad relationship for as long as one lives.

Sorry, both live.

HateTablets I have no idea what would have happened if my parents divorced. My mother was not financially dependent (and still isn't, hence why she's still with my Father) so I don't know how we would have survived.....

... Interestingly, myself and my 3 sisters are all incredibly financially independent and we just couldn't fathom not being so, having seen how my Mother and Father are with money (if my Dad bought a few tins of beans on the way back home, he'd ask my Mother for the £1.45p it cost). It was a MASSIVE mental block to consider having a joint account with my fiance, even just for mortgage and bills, however he was so understanding and didn't push me at all.

From my point of view, it would have been better for them to divorce - I wouldn't have been called horrific names by my Father, had to live with someone who has shown no interest in me at all growing up, I wouldn't have thought it was 'normal' to be so cold and affection-less.

I never really thought of it as 'abusive' to be honest - Just not very nice. Food for thought, I feel...

Yep, correct, Yeashure.
The OP's basic premise is that people always have choices that are always equal. She is wrong.
Another basic premise is that people flip a coin more or less, when making the decision. Wrong again.
The OP lives in some sort of little lala land. You yourself seem to really like fiction.

'when you talk about illness, bereavement and financial disaster, they are largely out of our control. Choices in marriage are largely within our control.'
You couldn't be more wrong. It takes two to choose to stay married. If one doesn't want it, then with the best will in the world on the part of the other party, that marriage is doomed.

It can limp on of course and the pair can still be officially 'married', but the resulting misery will have an impact on the children.

The bottom line is it is not divorce per se or marriage per se that makes children happy or unhappy. It is adults' behaviour whether married or divorced that makes the difference.

That's precisely my point math, that 'the one who doesn't want it' can sometimes be behaving in a way that benefits themselves but not the children or the remaining spouse.

But it's crucial that everyone's needs are met. Not just one spouse and the children.
Why should one be miserable for all the others to be a little better?
If you stop loving your partner, is it fair on them that you stop, for example, having sex with them? Or should the one who doesn't love anymore force themselves to have sex in that case?

As I've said that has to be the individuals call but to then end the marriage and to state firmly and cheerfully the children are happier is misleading.

As I've said that has to be the individuals call but to then end the marriage and to state firmly and cheerfully the children are happier is misleading.
I was happier after my parents divorced. Not every situation is the same.