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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off re shoes on in the house

516 replies

JeVoudrais · 17/04/2016 13:20

Had visitors round this morning. I didn't answer the door as was occupied and came down 15 mins later.

Shoes on. In my carpeted living room. When they left, I asked DP and he said they always keep shoes on when they come. I expect it is because we have dogs. They know perfectly well that we rug doctored not long ago and that the dogs do not go in the living room with wet or dirty feet, though.

Regardless of how hygienic they think my carpet is, would it not be polite to at least ask regarding shoes? We have always removed shoes ASAP in their house because they take theirs off and it is expected of their guests.

I have OCD and am having a meltdown inside currently. AIBU to tell them in no uncertain terms next time that SHOES ARE NOT ALLOWED and ban them from my house if they want to keep them on?

OP posts:

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 21/04/2016 14:07

Actually my biggest pet hate is "fun" parents on soft play equipment who are transparently "being fun" for an audience of other adults who they constantly seek eye contact with and girn at ... but I am very off topic now

Natsku · 21/04/2016 14:36

There's always some parents on the soft play here, but they say you have to accompany your child if they're under 4 and in the big area. Not me though, I just sit down and have a cup of tea these days as I once went up to help DD and found a delightful piss-soaked corner.

Awalkinthepark1 · 21/04/2016 14:47

I'm off to the shops now as it's all getting very BORING.

PleasePleasePleaseMN · 21/04/2016 16:28

I don't give a poo about bacteria. I just don't want to lose my deposit!

squoosh · 21/04/2016 16:28

The deposit thing I can totally understand!

PleasePleasePleaseMN · 21/04/2016 16:31

Rude is something you do with intent.

Being raised differently to you is not rude. It's culture/custom. Not doing what hosts asks you to either way is rude.

InlandTiger · 21/04/2016 16:47

At all the soft-play places I've been to, Under-4s have to be accompanied by an adult and there's a separate section for toddlers. Shoes are left in lockers at the entrance so the cafe is shoes-off too.

At baby-yoga, baby-sensory, singing time and breastfeeding groups here it's the done thing to remove shoes. The rooms (apart from yoga) are carpeted. No-one seems to have a problem with shoes-off.

YelloRoses · 21/04/2016 17:11

on carpet its trampy to wear shoes however your guest had no clue because they have prob been to others houses who are trampy and allow it.
vinyl or laminate is ok for shoes as can be cleaned asap.

squoosh · 21/04/2016 17:23

Laminate?

No, no, no. That's far too trampy for me.

YelloRoses · 21/04/2016 17:28

Fail.

IsmellSwell · 21/04/2016 17:30

Everyone I know in Germany is shoes off,

I'm not surprised. Isn't this this same nation who also expect their dinner guests to sit around naked in the sauna with them?

according to another thread they are

squoosh · 21/04/2016 17:30

Laminate is indeed a fail. I agree with you there.

MigGril · 21/04/2016 19:42

The thing is, I'm from the North of the UK tis where I grew up. But married a southerner, we live down south and most of my friends are either from around hear or various other parts of the UK. Ones even from Australia, yet I still don't know anyone who doesn't take there shoes off when they go into some else's house. (apart from odd inlaws), so I would find it a bit strange if any of you came to my house and didn't just take them off.

Luckily we have now gotten ride of all carpet downstairs, so I wouldn't get to upset about it but I can understand op being upset. Especially when you have carpets that's just really grubby.

mathanxiety · 22/04/2016 03:26

When I was in primary school in Ireland we had outdoor and indoor shoes (or slippers), and woe betide you if you wore your outdoor shoes indoors, and vice versa.

pippistrelle · 22/04/2016 09:03

The thing is, I'm from the North of the UK tis where I grew up. But married a southerner, we live down south and most of my friends are either from around hear or various other parts of the UK.

This all applies to me. My shoes are on and so - generally - are my visitors'. So, it's plainly not just about geography, unless there are extremely localised differences.

Shepherdessy · 22/04/2016 11:25

I once went to a New Year's Eve party and was faced with a pile of shoes in the hall. I went along with it & reluctantly removed my shoes. When I got to the rooms where the action was I was struck by how awkward some of the women looked with mid calf length dresses just looking "wrong" and trousers trailing on the floor & legs looking short. Also showed up one man who must wear risers in his shoes. There are obviously a lot of you on here who are "in" to this shoes off lark - I dread the day any of you becoming restauraters or hoteliers - how far do you take it?

InlandTiger · 22/04/2016 11:44

I was struck by how awkward some of the women looked with mid calf length dresses just looking "wrong" and trousers trailing on the floor & legs looking short

Why would you care if people's legs looked short or if the length of their dress looked awkward? I generally focus on the conversation, food and wine at dinner parties, I couldn't care less whether my friends' are wearing the correct trouser length! And if people were really bothered about shoes being part of their outfit they should have brought indoor shoes to wear. It's very odd to expect to keep your outdoor shoes on in someone's home. I have a pair of heels that I keep for indoor use, eg new year parties or glitzy dinner parties. They're pale gold suede so I wouldn't want to wear them outside anyway.

I think it's best to assume any party in someone's home will be shoes-off, so bring indoor shoes if your outfit requires them! Or just accept people in their socks and slippers. I appreciate it may appear strange/informal if you're not used to it but surely you can see why it's sensible to remove them indoors?

As for restaurants and hotels, they are not people's homes (and the carpets are tramped on by millions of grubby shoes!)
Having said that, I've been to traditional Japanese and Iranian restaurants where everyone removes shoes, you wouldn't be allowed in with shoes on.

MadameDePompom · 22/04/2016 11:48

I think it's best to assume any party in someone's home will be shoes-off, so bring indoor shoes if your outfit requires them!

What a silly idea. I've been to countless parties in people's homes over the years. Never has one of those parties involved people padding about in their socks. So I'm not about to start packing a second pair of shoes 'just in case'.

pippistrelle · 22/04/2016 12:08

It's very odd to expect to keep your outdoor shoes on in someone's home.

You might find it odd, but haven't you noticed the people on this thread saying that it isn't? Perhaps the host of such an event would be wise - and caring - to communicate such a requirement to his/her guests in advance. Given the responses here, you can't just assume that everyone will turn up ready to take their shoes off. It's not a universal expectation. Is it so hard to grasp that different people do different things?

InlandTiger · 22/04/2016 14:48

you can't just assume that everyone will turn up ready to take their shoes off

Why make it into such a big deal though? How much preparation do you need to do to be 'ready' to take your shoes off?
Clean feet and (if you want it) indoor footwear and you are ready. You could ask the host in advance.

I realise some people keep shoes on in their own home. What I can't get my head around is why you think it's ok to wear shoes in someone's home if they take theirs off. Its not about how you feel about your feet/outfit/cold ankles, it's about respecting different standards of hygiene and taking your cue from the hosts.

andintothefire · 22/04/2016 14:57

Personally I think parties with shoes off are slightly odd. But then I love shoes and they are often the most important part of my outfit! I am afraid I would be a bit annoyed to be invited to a formal-ish party where I didn't know people and be expected to remove my shoes. If you don't want people in your house at a party with shoes on, then host the party at another venue where people can feel comfortable.

However I would not generally have a problem with removing normal day shoes when visiting somebody's house. I wouldn't always think to offer but wouldn't particularly mind being asked.

Personally my family and I are generally "shoes off" in our home by choice but I let my adult guests do whatever they choose. We have wooden floors so I feel it is most important that my guests feel comfortable. I wouldn't have a light carpet anyway!

andintothefire · 22/04/2016 15:01

What I can't get my head around is why you think it's ok to wear shoes in someone's home if they take theirs off. Its not about how you feel about your feet/outfit/cold ankles, it's about respecting different standards of hygiene and taking your cue from the hosts.

I think I come at this from a different perspective, which is that as the host it is your role to make guests feel comfortable. Obviously there is a limit (muddy boots and wellies - not OK!) but generally it is your choice whether to invite people to your home. You can always choose not to invite people or provide a selection of clean indoor footwear if you are really uncomfortable with shoes. Once invited, however, those guests do not have any choice in the matter if the host insists they remove shoes. There may be lots of reasons why they feel uncomfortable doing so - old socks or tights, smelly feet, feeling short without heels at a party etc..!

pippistrelle · 22/04/2016 15:08

How much preparation do you need to do to be 'ready' to take your shoes off?

Well, as the poster upthread said, you might have clothes that require a certain height of heel in order to look right. You might not care, but I would. And I'm unlikely to be carrying around an extra pair of the right height of heels that I've never worn outside just on the off-chance that someone might ask me to take my shoes off.

I don't for a second think it's okay to insist on keeping my shoes on if the host has asked me to remove them, but I would appreciate warning. I could ask in advance, of course, but as I appear to belong to a shoes on clique, it's a moot point and only theoretical shoe removing. Similarly, your guests are more likely to be shoes off people so wouldn't be caught out or need warning. But maybe we should all think about it if invited to a house we haven't been in before or inviting someone new to our own homes.

treaclesoda · 22/04/2016 15:29

I've never been to a party in someone's house, so the party scenario and wearing a nice outfit is not something I've ever had to consider

TaIkinPeace · 22/04/2016 15:42

When I went to Buckingham Palace I was not asked to remove my shoes.

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