AIBU to want to stab people who ask "is she sleeping through the night yet?"

[Wizzles]

They don't give a shit if she is or not, they just want to be able to tell me that their little darling is.

Then there's the ones who say things like "he's sleeping through from 7 til 7 with a feed at 1am". Well then he's NOT "sleeping through" then is he?!

Disclaimer: clearly I'm not actually going to stab anyone. I'm just very tired and pissed off.

That's great that it works like that for you Oyster. Every baby is different

And EverySecond please don't think that I became completely unable to empathise with other people's problems or imagined I was the only one suffering. That's not true at all. But if another mother told me about her pelvic floor problems and I said, "Oh that's such a shame, I can snap pencils with mine and was back to shagging in 48 hours. I couldn't possibly cope with pissing myself all the time, that's why I did perineal massage/pelvic floor exercises/sacrificed a lamb at midnight when the moon was in Taurus. If only you did things exactly as I am doing them, you wouldn't have that problem at all."

That's the kind of My-Baby-Sleeps mummy that made me angry. I don't say or think anything like that, because I recognise that everyone has their own particular struggle with childbirth and motherhood and your experience is largely down to luck, genetics, temperament and a whole host of other things that are out of your control. So it's great to empathise with each other and give well-meaning, constructive advice. It's not great to assume that you have all the answers and that the reason someone else is struggling is just because they are doing it wrongly (i.e. differently to you!)

How do you know she hungry if she squeaks and put a bottle in?

She might want a cuddle.

"Oh that's such a shame, I can snap pencils with mine and was back to shagging in 48 hours. I couldn't possibly cope with pissing myself all the time, that's why I did perineal massage/pelvic floor exercises/sacrificed a lamb at midnight when the moon was in Taurus. If only you did things exactly as I am doing them, you wouldn't have that problem at all."

I think it's vital we all try to maintain a sense of humour. Bravada you have brightened up my (long) night.

Experience. I haven't immediately fed her from day 1, it's just eventually worked out that she only wakes in the night when hungry. Last night it was 1 & 5. Had she woken again at 2 I wouldn't assume she was hungry but she never does.

My LO only wakes for milk. She's always been a light feeder (no more than 10 minutes on one side). It used to drive me bananas because everyone told me she should be taking both sides for 20 minutes blah blah... I had to let it go and just realise that my baby is healthy, wees and poos, is growing at a fantastic rate and sleeps really well bar 1 or 2 awakenings. She just can't physically drink enough milk to take her through the night. She requires no rocking just a quick burp and back down within 15 mins like I said in my PP. She has just had her 6th night with just one feed. I know she'll sleep through in her own time and she's under no pressure to do it as soon as possible .

She informed me she gave her kids cereal in a bottle from 2 weeks old to get them to sleep through.

I have never understood how the cereal was meant to pass through the teat.

My first woke every 20 to 40 minutes during the night till she was 10 months old. During the day she would only nap in her pram, and only then if she was outside and in motion - if I stopped, she woke. She was a winter baby, and I remember calling my mum in tears as I walked her round and round in the pouring rain, because I was freezing and miserable and desperately tired, but I knew the moment I went in my front door, she'd wake.

Even after 10 months she still woke 3-4 times a night - didn't sleep through till 18 months and then only sporadically.

When I had her brother, and he only woke twice a night, and napped when and where he was supposed to, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven!

I got this with my dts. One was an OK sleeper the other was horrendous. I told the truth and laid it on a bit but it didn't take away from the fact that on of us still had to get up at 4.30am with dt2 in case he woke dt1. This went on for about 18 months. DT2 still survives on very little sleep and would never nap in the day or fall asleep in the car. He doesn't even get ratty when he misses sleep like on cub camp or long haul flights. Little sod. It's not fair.

Wiggles, I posted on another thread a couple of days ago about giving formula before bed to prolong sleeping. Obviously all babies are different but I started to give ebf DS1 a bottle of formula before bed when he was around 4 months (mainly so that DH could get involved with feeding and I was rubbish at expressing so formula was easier). It made absolutely no difference at all to DS's sleep. I don't think formula is the magic key to better sleep that some people suggested.

First born - rubbish at sleeping. Second born - read the rule book and played the game! They are all different, but it feels impossible when you are in the thick of it. I felt the rage the other day when I heard someone on Radio 4 talking about working in the nursery of the Portland hospital saying 'well - newborns sleep 22 hours a day - blah blah blah blah blah blah blah' Over a period of 2 years, then yes, I guess my new born may well have clocked up 22 hours IN TOTAL!!!!!

I'm at the end of my tether with a baby who has perpetual colds and awful reflux and can't breathe properly unless upright (and therefore requires me sitting upright holding them ALL flipping night).

Oh, and two under fours who still don't sleep through the night either. It's beyond torture and has turned me into a grouchy, irritable mess!

People continually ask me "is the baby good?", and yes, I want to punch them in the teeth! Instead I reply with a smile "yes, she's wonderful. The sleep is terrible though."

I'll admit when DS was small I did ask other mothers a few times how they're doing for sleep, largely because I was having none and was hoping someone would have a tip/suggestion that I hadn't come across.

He too would only wake up when he was hungry, for months our nights were sleep - wake up, take an hour to drink barely anything, sleep, wake up less than two hours later - repeat till morning.

It's not the "Is he sleeping through?" brigade who get me, it's a reasonable question. No, the ones who need to watch it around me are the "Have you tried.. ?" crowd. Particularly the ones who have naturally good sleepers and are convinced that just adding white noise/a bottle of formula would make all the difference.

Believe me, we have tried white noise. And formula. And bottles of expressed milk. And Ewan The Sodding Dream Sheep. And a frog that plays light on the ceiling. And we do have a bedtime routine. (And breathe.) Bar leaving him to cry, we've tried most things. I've come to the conclusion that, just like adults, some babies are "good" at some stuff and not others. Mine is a delight, but rubbish at sleep.

The only thing that has made a difference in DS's case, at 7.5 months and still taking one step forward and two steps back towards the goal of sleeping through or for 4 hours straight, is a Sleepyhead, which has cut the "waking every 45 minutes" to "waking every 2 hours". And I think solids are helping.

Though I maintain the only person I've actually wanted to stab bar the health visitor who told me my milk clearly wasn't good enough for DS now he was 12 weeks old was the mother with the ebf baby who slept 2030-0630 at 4 months and, when she heard about DS waking every 45 minutes, arched her perfectly shaped eyebrows and asked in a very patronising tone whether I'd considered switching to formula.... No, love. Never thought of that.

I usually ask new parents "have you had any sleep yet?". It's a sort of invitation to have a good old whinge about their lack of sleep because I remember what it's like having had two terrible sleepers myself and sometimes you just need someone to listen to you moan about it.

I read one book (one of the many, in my desperation) that defined "sleeping through" as anything over 5 hours, which IMO is utterly ridiculous. I figured I could redefine sleeping through to be anything over half an hour, so my eldest slept through from about 5 weeks when I learned how to sleep with her on me, and my youngest slept through from day 1, wasn't I lucky?!!!

I had premature (33wk) twins and actively avoided those dreadful people who would ask about sleep. When I was waking them every four hours initially to feed them! I looked like death warmed up.
I have never asked that question and only ever said complementary things about a baby and its mother. We need to prop each other up not stick the boot in.

Most ask to make conversation. Some to gloat. I had one that didn't sleep through but took a long day time nap.....and one that slept through the night but only took cat naps during the day and was fussy/cranky. They both stopped daytime naps before age 2.....nightmare.

I made the mistake of smugly announcing that my daughter was sleeping for 4 hours at a time the minute she was born, karma got me back 19 months later with my son who screamed pretty much constantly for 6 months!! I don't get smug about ANYTHING now! 😵

YANBU

I felt very stabby in DDs worst weeks. Especially towards my HV who visited when I'd not got DD down til 5am and gave me the mutually exclusive gems of 'try to sleep when she sleeps' and 'get her to stay awake more in the day'

She also commented 'you look a bit teary'
YA THINK!

I usually ask new parents "have you had any sleep yet?". It's a sort of invitation to have a good old whinge about their lack of sleep

Yes yes absolutely. Or "Is s/he letting you have much sleep?" If they can reply "yes" then it's a bonus; if (more likely) they say no it's not an admission of failure. They might say "oh yes, two whole hours in a row last night" and you can laugh together and it's a moment of solidarity and an opportunity for you to say "ugh I remember those days, but I promise it gets better".

Feeling like you're being taunted when you're dangerously sleep deprived is utter hell. I must admit I saw red one day on a postnatal group when someone posted "another great night's sleep in the household" without a smidgen of irony, when all the babies were under four months and at least half of us were bf multiple times overnight. I think I first head tilted and then told her to fuck off.

My DD (now nearly 12) was a frequent waker. I got a lot of questions like this from random parents. It was as if they knew and, those who did sometimes asked to stir. My neighbour, who had a 'good baby' who was bottle fed (she strongly asserted that this was the reason), went down 6pm to 6am. When she asked 'how's the sleeping', she invariably said a sarcastic 'whoops' when she knew full well I'd say 'no.'

The world is divided roughly into parents who accidentally put their foot in it - perhaps through making conversation or even overzealous bragging and those who purposefully set out to be mean when they know full well you are having problems. Quite why I don't know. But I had it with regards to weaning (mine eats everything I put on her plate), tantrums (mine had one but I ignored it and from then it stopped), speech (I talk to my child about anything and everything and that's why she's so good now) and reading (we go to the library and I read a bedtime stop and that's why he is so goooooood and very advanced for his age).

You get my drift. I didn't necessarily find these parents in the minority either but, with DS (7), I didn't seem to get it as much. Perhaps, as a second timer, I came across as more confident so wasn't seen as fair game. Or maybe I tuned out or avoided such parents. I did find karma did bite some of them on the bum and they had other problems later on. No one sails through this business unscathed.

When was 'sleep regression' invented? Never heard of it when my dcs were babies 30 years ago.

DD2 didn't sleep through the night till she was gone 2 (health issues). If it's any consolation, people who know you stop asking after a while because it's quite bloody obvious from the massive bags under your eyes and your perpetual tetchiness that you might kill them and claim extreme provocation if they do.

That doesn't stop people on the bus asking but I found that my maniacal laughter in their faces* tended to stop them in their tracks. I often got a seat afterwards too because everyone was scrambling to get away from me.

*Disclaimer. It was unintentional, only a couple of instances and I tried to be nice most of the time.

YABU
I think you're being a little unfair - people are very likely just wanting to make conversation aren't they? It's a big cliche that if you've got a young baby, you're not getting a great night's sleep and it's a natural question to ask.

I doubt anyone really cares that much about your answer. Your baby and its sleeping patterns are not front page news to them you know and if they didn't ask about your baby and things to do with it, you'd think that was pretty weird.

I'm going through sleepless nights with 8 mo DD3 and it's a question I ask my friends with babies from time to time - shoot me now!

BTW, DD1 was a pretty good sleeper, almost from birth. Naps took a bit of work but by 4 months we were in a great routine and we were all getting enough sleep. Smugly I thought this was down to our amazing parenting. Boy, was I wrong.

Thank goodness I never gave any friends with non-sleepers helpful advice.