AIBU to want to stab people who ask "is she sleeping through the night yet?"

[Wizzles]

They don't give a shit if she is or not, they just want to be able to tell me that their little darling is.

Then there's the ones who say things like "he's sleeping through from 7 til 7 with a feed at 1am". Well then he's NOT "sleeping through" then is he?!

Disclaimer: clearly I'm not actually going to stab anyone. I'm just very tired and pissed off.

OK well. Wizzle how old is DD? I always swore I would never let mine cry. I tried all the nicey nicey softly softly stuff. Ended up driving around our neighbourhood several times a night, out of my eyeballs on exhaustion and PND. Tried all the routines, and all the stuff the other bastards said would definitely work cos it did with their babies. We spent a week in sleep school and still didn't help.

So I'm not saying this is the solution. Believe me I tried everything. But it was our solution for our baby. And 2 other mothers in my group who had also flunked out of sleep school used the same lady and both solved their problems too.

We got rid of all props. Dummy, rocking, driving around. Cold turkey. Stopped feeding, changing nappies or getting her out of the cot during the night. Cold turkey. She was 9 months though so might not be appropriate for younger babies if they still do need a feed. Put her down to sleep on her tummy.

Spoon fed her instead of baby led weaning cos she wasn't getting enough in. Adjusted her daily routine. It's specific for the 9 -12 months but I can lay out what it was if that helps to have a look. I did stop breastfeeding but that was not part of her advice, I was doing that for my own sanity. But I'm unsure if that played a part or not to be honest.

And the main part was - sorry - let her cry. The first night she cried about 40 mins. We went in and out rubbing her back every now and again but didn't get her up. First 2 or 3 days were brutal but we stuck it out and once she got used to the new routine, she was eating more during the day and peeing less at night cos she wasn't feeding. By night 5 our problem was solved. From hourly waking to most nights, not a peep from 6.30 pm to 6 am. It was something like a miracle. But just the hardest bit was stopping myself from running in to her when she was crying. It was so so hard. And probably some here will think I am a terrible mother. But we were in despair. And she is so happy now she's sleeping properly and has a happy rested mummy. We've finally bonded and I finally actually enjoy being a mum.

Oh I forgot and total blackout of her windows.

Bravada while this may have been the solution for you (after trying lots of approaches) a growing number of people would not go down the controlled crying route for strong evidenced based reasons.
I don't think there is any perfect solution, that is best for both parent and child, for a lot of people. We were so desperate we did some controlled crying before what we now know was relapse to a physical issue. In our case (not yours Bravada) I now regret resorting to a technique that I know isn't supported by the research.

Believe me I've read all the research. As I said at the beginning, that was where I started off. But I now have the evidence of my own eyes with my DD that it does work, for her. But like I said, every baby is different. If you've tried and it didn't work, I don't think you have anything to regret.

Only time will tell, as the evidence tells you.

Bravada, thank you!
She is only 11 weeks so I may have a way to go. This is partly why I get so pissed off with the "is she sleeping through" cos she is still so little!
DH is in the "let her cry" camp (only for a short time anyway) but I find it so hard!

jenjen86 we use white noise too which does work to send her off to sleep. It's keeping her asleep that we struggle with! Someone suggested Ewan the Dream Sheep but we just use the app.

11 weeks is too young to let her cry even if you do eventually go down that route.

Bravada We had a terrible sleeper. We were actually shaking with exhaustion part of the time. I couldn't even speak properly some days.

We did very similar to you, despite some people thinking it was cruel. She never slept right through, but we all got enough sleep to feel more human and have more time to enjoy her and her twin.

Now a late teen, when we talk about it and people's views on controlled crying, she shrugs and says "Oh, am I, like, supposed to be damaged by it or something?" Not a trace of damage as far as anyone can tell. She always knew she was loved anyway.

Is letting her cry for 5-10 mins ok? Sometimes she'll start but clearly doesn't mean it & stops again. DH is suggesting we wait 10 mins in the night but I find that those 10 mins feel an hour

My DD is 11 weeks and I don't like to leave her to cry at all. She's been a good sleeper in the sense that she wakes in the night with a little grumble and I leave her until she clearly is more than fussing but before a cry. Usually twice and I BF her. She gets wrapped up again and within 15 mins of waking she's back to sleep. She's never taken enough milk to see her through the night until literally last night when she slept from 10-6 in her crib (fell asleep at 8pm on my chest).

I had lots of people asking if she slept through at about 6-7 weeks and I was quite surprised that she'd be expected to sleep that long!

Her typical routine is:
Cluster feed before falling asleep on me or DH around 8-8.30, we take her upstairs at 10 and change her nappy for bed. Final big feed. Recently waking around 3pm for a feed and then sleeps again until about 7.30. That's been fine for me!

Try airily replying with "oh no, but of course I wouldn't expect her to be. The really intelligent ones are never good sleepers."

Be

What's with the biscuit? My DD was a truly awful sleeper and people used to try and console me by telling me it was because she was "so bright" - as if there was any way of knowing, she was basically a blob with hair at that point, and as if I cared at that stage anyway, I just wanted some sleep!

I still think it's a good comeback to goady fuckers though.

It is escalating the situation somewhat, no?

Does baby sleep through/well - not at the moment.

Responding with an inference that the other persons baby is stupid is a touch ott.

My daughter sleeps well, I avoid mentioning it in real life unless directly asked because even then, I always gets a snide comment. It's not something I see as a point of pride, wasn't anything I did personally.

Well, tbh, what I mainly said was "no. Is there more coffee?" Then I may have wept a bit

My ds still wakes up at least once a night at 13 months

We go up, give him a bottle, stick on Ewan (he still loves that toy) and he goes back to sleep.

Dd slept through from 4 months old but had terrible regression at 18 months. Waking up screaming at about 1am and wouldn't settle for at least two hours. That lasted about a month

Yorkie that's kind of where i'm coming from with the "leaving her to cry". If she's only having a little whinge that's when DH says wait 10 mins. If she is proper crying & clearly upset then I won't wait.

We do bath at 7 then she has her bedtime feed through a bottle (expressed breastmilk) as then we get more in! Then we leave her to go to sleep on her own. She used to go til about 1 or 2 but recently she's been waking earlier & earlier. I BF her each time she wakes but she now won't stay asleep more than an hour or so. I'm really hoping this is a phase or a growth spurt cos it's killing me!

I know there's a strong arguement for putting her down later (so she'll sleep later) but I really value the hour or so of child-free time in the evening.

MIL thinks I should put her on formula

I know there's a strong arguement for putting her down later (so she'll sleep later)

Don't believe that

Experience tells me if you put them to bed later they get up earlier!

EverySecondCounts
I'm not actually talking about people whose babies sleep. I'm talking about people who ask if your baby sleeps in a smug, patronising way, make a massive deal about whether or not a baby is doing it, & imply you're doing something wrong if your baby doesn't.
I am genuinely happy for those whose babies do sleep. I'm just very jealous!

That's the thing about a crippling lack of sleep though - it does tend you make you angry, embittered, irritable, anxious, nervous, paranoid and even delusional.

It's not something I think you can understand till you've lived through months of it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It does get better though, OP, I promise.

She will though op and for you for now.

Yes Be exactly. You are feeling this intense rage and frustration day after day, night after night. But of course you can't show that to the baby. You have to hold it all bubbling inside while you speak softly, rock gently. I found that I was exercising so much control and patience to achieve this with the baby that I was angry and impatient with everyone else. Irrationally so, yes, unfairly so, yes. But sleep deprivation is a form of torture that breaks down your mental processes.

Thank you for the reassurance Middle. I do have wobbles, being a generally anxious person and of course like everyone wanting to do the best thing for my baby. But we have had a lot of medical advice because of my PND and everyone who has seen DD has pronounced that she is happy, secure and flourishing, developing well and so on. So I remind myself of that, and also the fact that my own DM went the other route, co-sleeping with me until I was about 2 and never getting me into good sleeping habits, and I grew up to be an anxious, permanently tired insomniac. Which may just be a coincidence, but certainly shows that softly softly doesn't guarantee a good outcome either.

OP 11 weeks is so tiny, people are idiots for asking if she's sleeping through. The nurses told me under 6 months they shouldn't be left to cry but as others have said above and you yourself there is a difference between fussing and all-out crying. And you can tell if she's winding down, with big spaces in between, or escalating. I used to get up and grab DD at the first little squeak. With the next one (! because I can now actually contemplate a next one!) I will definitely do things differently, take a few minutes to assess the noise before deciding if she really needs my help or if she's managing it by herself.

I don't leave DD to cry at all for a few reasons. She's 15 weeks, she's still in our room and about a foot from my head in her co-sleeper cot, she only ever wakes in the night when she's hungry, if I scoop her up and feed her the second she squeaks she sometimes doesn't even open her eyes and is sound asleep again after, I don't believe in it.