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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overstaying a welcome (to want my couch back)?

165 replies

Tooslowchickenmarengo · 16/04/2016 23:37

Sorry this is long and more of a wwyd than aibu really.

Partner's friend has been living on our couch for the last three weeks (small one bed flat, open plan kitchen/living room). He left his previous flat share as didn't want to commit to another year long tenancy as he wasn't happy with his room and flat mates. I suspect he was a bit lonely too. The decision to not renew tenancy decided upon before he asked if he could crash at our flat whilst he looked for somewhere else so very much fait accompli and felt put in a position to say nothing but of course you can stay. Separately he asked if he could store his stuff at pils house (round the corner from us) which they obliged. This was all requested a week prior to move.

So as not to drip feed, he did the same thing two years ago (stayed on couch for six weeks, used the flat as his own, stored stuff at pils and partner helped him move when he eventually found somewhere). When he left there wasn't so much as a thank you card, bottle of wine or flowers despite staying with us despite not paying any bills or food and thus saving close to a grand on bills and rent. It is really not about the money at all - we would never accept it but a gesture would mean I at least didn't feel like we were having the piss taken.

I'm annoyed for being put in this position in the first place but also because he is a bit tight- he's not put his hand in his pocket for the last three weeks, never buys a round at the pub if we've gone out or offers to get stuff from the shop despite being happy to eat our food. I know I'm being a bitch but I'm also tired of making small talk when I get home from work or at weekend (he is always home).

I don't want to be passive aggressive and make it awkward for him (I know he is looking for somewhere and partner says he'd like to think his friend would do the same for him if situation was reversed) but he's not my friend and I'm tired of having to share our flat with him.

Wwyd? He has nowhere to live atm so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (telling him to give us our couch back / stop being a bitch and suck it up for partners mate)

OP posts:
riceuten · 18/04/2016 11:22

Pointedly ask him every evening "How's the house hunting going?" and leaving copies of the local paper with ideal places handily and helpfully highlighted. I had this a few years ago when I was in a flatshare. This lasted a number of months and the person concerned (the brother of one of my flatmates) eventually admitted that he wasn't flat hunting as he was "saving tons of money staying here".

We had a spare room which the landlord would have let him, but he didn't see the need to pay. Eventually, he moved out and slept on the floor of his workplace !

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 11:31

Laundry spider?😝
Is that a thing Paxillin
Or was it an autocorrect?😂

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 11:33

I had this a few years ago when I was in a flatshare. This lasted a number of months and the person concerned (the brother of one of my flatmates) eventually admitted that he wasn't flat hunting as he was "saving tons of money staying here".

😱😱😱
Jaw dropping

paxillin · 18/04/2016 11:39

Well, laundry thingimybob that looks like a spider. What are they called Grin? Round clothes airer or some such?

JS06 · 18/04/2016 11:43

Really feel for you TwoSlow, you've been burdened for far too long but hopefully the end is in sight.

The one glaring thing which stands out for me is the difference in the stance between you and your partner. Really hope you can make it clear that from now on no other such arrangements will be entered in to.

I couldn't comprehend coming in at night into a small living space and having to be on best behaviour because there's an uninvited guest and that they're expecting you to provide bed, board, security, utilities. It's just not on.

You've seen the warmth of reaction on here to your plight. Hang on in there and try to do something to celebrate the two of you when you have your home back to yourselves. xx

OnlyLovers · 18/04/2016 11:53

Went to pub where he went to the bar and bought himself a pint and sharing platter lunch to eat himself. No offer of a drink to us. Nursed his pint for 2.5 hours as we had decided not to offer to buy him a round.

a disgruntled 'right' and then nothing. We've been sitting in silence for the last hour

Deliberate tightness and twattery. I wouldn't feel a single second of guilt about a) telling him he has until this Wednesday/Saturday (the latter if I was feeling generous), and b) telling him – not asking him –he needs to pay you back x hundred quid for his board to date.

Alidoll · 18/04/2016 12:03

Tell him to pack his bags and leave as he's outstayed his welcome. You are not his parents or related so owe him NOTHING. He's looking for free bed and board and you're providing it so where's the incentive to move out. Tell him either he starts paying rent (for a roof over his head) / buying and cooking his own meals etc or find some other mug to sponge off. He is totally taking the piss and will continue to do so while you let him.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 13:20

I can't believe you even had to argue with your partner over this and that he sees it as acceptable to foist another person on you in a small flat and force you to sub him to the tune of at least £1000. After the first time I'd have told them both to find another fucking place to live together since your partner is so happy to support his mate.

cherrybath · 18/04/2016 14:09

This appened some years ago, at that time we had four kids + lodger + au pair. One of my husbands' Australian cousins asked if her son and dil could come to stay for a couple of weeks. They never thanked us, bought any food or drink and barely spoke to us, only appearing for (free) meals. It soon became clear that they'd been telling prospective employers that they were staying with us for the year and had absolutely no intention of either looking for a place or paying their way. My husband told them that night that they were leaving the next day. They went on to travel the country and freeload on every long lost relative they could find....

whois · 18/04/2016 14:23

It soon became clear that they'd been telling prospective employers that they were staying with us for the year and had absolutely no intention of either looking for a place or paying their way

Why are people like this!

My friend lives in a house share - three bedrooms, 3 people and 1 bathroom.

One of the guys 'temporarily' moved his GF in whilst she flat hunted and now has basically made it perm and they aren't paying any more towards bills or rent! So people for the bathroom, people to use the washing machine etc has gone up from 3 to 4 and they are using way more hot water and stuff. Redic. Shes moving out because the other guy won't make an issue of it.

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 14:41

oh! I thought 'laundry spider' was a name for someone who takes up residence on your sofa..some kind of reference to an uninvited household pest

paxillin · 18/04/2016 14:55

It will now mean just that in our house, suzannecaravaggio Grin. Still don't know what that thing is actually called. Upside down laundry umbrella maybe.

cherrybath · 18/04/2016 15:04

It was actually worse than this whois as he worked in the same field as my husband and his Australian employers had contacted my husband's employers to ask for work and told them that he was saying with us for the year!

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 15:10

Paxill when I was a kid the laundry umbrella/thing was referred to as a 'whirlygig'

I'm picturing the 'laundry spider' as a very tall long legged person who takes up residence on your sofa and expects you to do his/her washing :o

Rosina71 · 18/04/2016 15:11

This person is a user and a taker, and I speak from having had a similar experience. Don't tolerate it. If he acts 'hurt' you can act 'more hurt'. Nothing is free in this life, someone is paying, and why should he make any effort (have you SEEN any effort going on?) to find a home for himself and pay his bills when he has someone to sponge off. I got ripped off for a couple of years in this way - don't do it, learn from my stupidity and show him the door.

littlewoollypervert · 18/04/2016 15:14

It's a socktopus, surely?!

littlewoollypervert · 18/04/2016 15:20

A friend of mine bought a house with her sister and the sister's boyfriend practically moved in by stealth, paying nothing extra (and having the cheek to moan about paying his own share of heat/light etc in his own rental when he was very rarely there!).

So my friend, whose boyfriend had also moved in (BUT paid his way) stopped lodging her boyfriend's rent cheques and when the 'd'sis checked their mortgage account, dfriend was able to say "well as your boyfriend is not paying it's quite unfair to charge mine - we should each pay for our own fellas, rather than me pay for yours". He started paying rent sharpish.

If you think the lodger is waiting on the sofa to bitch to your partner about you, make sure your partner goes to bed with you so the lodger doesn't get a chance to undermine your decision. (perhaps you could bribe your DP with promises of sexytime and make sure you are very noisy to make the ungrateful lodger uncomfortable!)

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 15:24

I think they are probably all different species within the genus 'clothes drier'?

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 15:46

(perhaps you could bribe your DP with promises of sexytime and make sure you are very noisy to make the ungrateful lodger uncomfortable!)

Oh, FFS! Is this 19-fucking-50?! To even suggest that a person who doesn't want someone freeloading on the sofa in her home needs to trade sexual favours to get him out? Her partner is a fucking arsehole if he even entertains this mooch behind his partner's back, the last thing she should be doing is sucking his cock in such a case.

Hmm
OnlyLovers · 18/04/2016 15:55

I agree, expat. Honestly, woolly, is that serious? Or were you joking?

HeadTilt · 18/04/2016 16:32

As a staring point, try this : "I'm off to the shops tomorrow. Can you pick up some cash for your share please. No rush, get it to me by 5".

You may find he moves on quickly when the free ride ends?

OnlyLovers · 18/04/2016 16:34

Good idea, HeadTilt.

LagunaBubbles · 18/04/2016 16:40

Sexytime? I take it you mean sex wooly? You seriously think sex should be used as a bribe? Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 18/04/2016 16:41

And OP there is a big difference between "profiting" from him staying to it actually costing you to have him with you, which it is doing, certainly in food bills!

smearedinfood · 18/04/2016 16:48

Just keep asking - have you found somewhere to live - every day.