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Original poster

Overstaying a welcome (to want my couch back)?

165 replies

Tooslowchickenmarengo · 16/04/2016 23:37

Sorry this is long and more of a wwyd than aibu really.

Partner's friend has been living on our couch for the last three weeks (small one bed flat, open plan kitchen/living room). He left his previous flat share as didn't want to commit to another year long tenancy as he wasn't happy with his room and flat mates. I suspect he was a bit lonely too. The decision to not renew tenancy decided upon before he asked if he could crash at our flat whilst he looked for somewhere else so very much fait accompli and felt put in a position to say nothing but of course you can stay. Separately he asked if he could store his stuff at pils house (round the corner from us) which they obliged. This was all requested a week prior to move.

So as not to drip feed, he did the same thing two years ago (stayed on couch for six weeks, used the flat as his own, stored stuff at pils and partner helped him move when he eventually found somewhere). When he left there wasn't so much as a thank you card, bottle of wine or flowers despite staying with us despite not paying any bills or food and thus saving close to a grand on bills and rent. It is really not about the money at all - we would never accept it but a gesture would mean I at least didn't feel like we were having the piss taken.

I'm annoyed for being put in this position in the first place but also because he is a bit tight- he's not put his hand in his pocket for the last three weeks, never buys a round at the pub if we've gone out or offers to get stuff from the shop despite being happy to eat our food. I know I'm being a bitch but I'm also tired of making small talk when I get home from work or at weekend (he is always home).

I don't want to be passive aggressive and make it awkward for him (I know he is looking for somewhere and partner says he'd like to think his friend would do the same for him if situation was reversed) but he's not my friend and I'm tired of having to share our flat with him.

Wwyd? He has nowhere to live atm so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (telling him to give us our couch back / stop being a bitch and suck it up for partners mate)

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 17/04/2016 09:27

And I would and have totally put friends up. But friends buy food, cook, tidy up and show appreciation. This person is a user not a friend.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 17/04/2016 09:27

Your partner is the problem here. He's being a mug. His friend is taking the piss and he's either too blind/stupid (sorry but could be the case) or embarrassed to see it.

Being in a relationship means respecting each other with give and take. Your partner is doing the taking while you're doing all the giving.

You need to put your foot down or this will be the blueprint for your relationship.

Mate gets 1 more week with a deadline date (visiting relative is a great idea then there's no chance of the date slipping). Enough is enough.

You're being taken for a ride.

starry0ne · 17/04/2016 09:34

I am not actually sure I would start charging for food at this point..My reason been he may feel even more entitled than he already is.. B&B will still be cheaper than rent...Assuming he hasn't even found anywhere yet I would give a week.. I think it is you DH that needs to deal with this though

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/04/2016 09:42

Give a shopping list for a week's worth of food, point him towards Tesco and tell him he's paying for it.
When he gets back, tell him he's going.

(Or better still, get your DP to do the above)

MatildaTheCat · 17/04/2016 09:45

Tell him he's on dinner duty this week and leave him a helpful list of groceries and household items running to a couple of hundred quid. If he's in all day do say that as its spring you'd like him to clean all the windows in and out and clean the oven etc. Keep it up until he miraculously finds somewhere.

Alternatively sit him down and say you need him out by Wednesday as you are redecorating and never expected him to be here this long. Provide a helpful list of hotels.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 09:48

You are both a pair of mugs

Time to get assertive. He goes.

RaeSkywalker · 17/04/2016 09:52

He needs to contribute now. I think you all need to sit down and discuss it, make it clear that this is not a long-term option for him.

OVienna · 17/04/2016 09:53

This guy is sleeping in your FRONT ROOM on the couch or on a couch in a spare room? If the first, I think by now I'd have moved out! Your DH needs to get this guy out and also make sure he doesn't come back again. You may have to be very, very direct with with this dude. He sounds extremely thick skinned.

MidniteScribbler · 17/04/2016 09:56

You need to fight back against this freeloader. My ex let his best mate from overseas stay while he was 'passing through'. Two months later he was still there, eating our food, slobbing around our living room. I'd had enough. I would cook dinner for DH and I and when he came looking and ask where his was I'd say 'whatever you chose to buy today at the supermarket'. I'd walk in to the living room and pick up the remote and change the channel to whatever I wanted to watch. Changed the wi-fi password and wouldn't give it to him until he . Put any of his dirty plates that he left on the sink in the middle of his bed. One day I even 'accidentally' locked him out on the back patio when he was outside smoking and I left the house for the day. He was gone by the end of the week.

ohtheholidays · 17/04/2016 10:05

Your partner is being a doormat and making you be one to.

Why the hell did your dp agree to this after the last time?did he even check with you?It's your dp's friend not yours and your working,stop letting him use anything you've paid for,food ect.
When you next go out either don't invite him or turn around and say thanks for treating us all night tonight as a thanks for us looking after you for so long. evilGrin
Ask him for a contribution towards all his living costs(he'd have to pay to survive,food,rent,water,energy bills ect if he was living anywhere else) and tell him he has a week to find somewhere else to live, and your DP needs to stop involving his poor parents as well!

MadSprocker · 17/04/2016 10:11

Use Midnite's tactics.

Berthatydfil · 17/04/2016 10:15

Say to him that's it's his turn to buy the groceries and what would he like to do a) give you the money b) go with you to supermarket and pay at the end or c) give you his card for an online shop or d)- -move out--

StayAChild · 17/04/2016 10:18

I'm afraid it would be a case of me saying to DH either he goes or I do. Is there somewhere you could threaten to go to for a few nights until he's out of your flat? Parents? Friend?

This person is not your partner's friend. Real friends don't behave that way.

Ifailed · 17/04/2016 10:20

To be honest, I think the OP should be planning to move out and leave her dp with his 'mate'. It happened before, it's happening now and will happen again, they clearly don't give a fig how she feels.

eddielizzard · 17/04/2016 10:20

your dp has to sort it out. i would stop being quite so friendly. ask him to pick up some food. start asking him to do stuff.

RaeSkywalker · 17/04/2016 10:22

Can you not just say "we have a friend visiting in 2 weeks, so you need to go by then. How much will you be giving us for rent?"

Or sit with right move open and tell him you've got an hour spare to 'help him with his search'. I'd be asking every day of he'd found anywhere yet.

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2016 10:24

No, don't use Midnite's tactics Hmm You're a grownup, tell him he needs to be out by next week. Arseing around playing tricks to freak him out is ridiculously juvenile.

StuckMelia · 17/04/2016 10:25

3 weeks stay is too much. Talk to DH and explain to him that you don't need to tolerate his friend's laziness.

juneau · 17/04/2016 10:31

You're not being a bitch. He's taking you for a ride - and the worst thing is that he's doing it deliberately. He knows that your and your DP are a soft touch, because last time you let him stay for six weeks without ever asking him for a penny in rent, or for any money for food or bills. You just sucked it up like the suckers you are, because 'he's a mate and he'd do the same for you' (except I'd bet my house on the fact that he wouldn't).

Grow a pair FGS (or at least tell your DP to, since this is HIS freeloading friend), and make sure that this is the last time this cynical, tight-fisted user uses you as his free hotel for as long as it suits him.

Greyponcho · 17/04/2016 10:38

If it were me, I'd tot up the cost this freeloading 'mate' was incurring on myself and DP, and show it to DP (for this stay and previous). I bet it's not even occurred to him. Perhaps make a comparison of 'x amount could've paid our mortgage for a month' or 'x amount could've paid for '.
Don't forget to calculate the cost of the storage, which he wouldn't get free anywhere else.
For this guy to have taken the piss out you both not once, but twice, with no 'thank you' shows he's taking you for mugs
It's his mate, he should be turfing out the freeloader.

Greyponcho · 17/04/2016 10:40

Also like Matilda's suggestions

SuburbanRhonda · 17/04/2016 10:53

I am amazed that the freeloading "friend" has so little self-awareness that he has no realisation that his behaviour is unacceptable.

If I was so down on my luck that I had to do this, I would be falling over myself to do chores and give you and your DH some space and I think most normal people would too.

Where do these people come from?

Fairenuff · 17/04/2016 10:56

If you are allowing him free board and lodgings why would he move out?

Why are you doing this, I really don't understand your thinking here OP. Just tell him to move out, what's the problem? Confused

BlueFolly · 17/04/2016 11:52

Thing is you can't really just tell him he's got a week and needs to go if your DP doesn't agree. Does your DP know how strongly you feel about this?

YouTheCat · 17/04/2016 11:57

Is the flat in both your names?

If it's yours, I'd be tempted to chuck them both out.