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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overstaying a welcome (to want my couch back)?

165 replies

Tooslowchickenmarengo · 16/04/2016 23:37

Sorry this is long and more of a wwyd than aibu really.

Partner's friend has been living on our couch for the last three weeks (small one bed flat, open plan kitchen/living room). He left his previous flat share as didn't want to commit to another year long tenancy as he wasn't happy with his room and flat mates. I suspect he was a bit lonely too. The decision to not renew tenancy decided upon before he asked if he could crash at our flat whilst he looked for somewhere else so very much fait accompli and felt put in a position to say nothing but of course you can stay. Separately he asked if he could store his stuff at pils house (round the corner from us) which they obliged. This was all requested a week prior to move.

So as not to drip feed, he did the same thing two years ago (stayed on couch for six weeks, used the flat as his own, stored stuff at pils and partner helped him move when he eventually found somewhere). When he left there wasn't so much as a thank you card, bottle of wine or flowers despite staying with us despite not paying any bills or food and thus saving close to a grand on bills and rent. It is really not about the money at all - we would never accept it but a gesture would mean I at least didn't feel like we were having the piss taken.

I'm annoyed for being put in this position in the first place but also because he is a bit tight- he's not put his hand in his pocket for the last three weeks, never buys a round at the pub if we've gone out or offers to get stuff from the shop despite being happy to eat our food. I know I'm being a bitch but I'm also tired of making small talk when I get home from work or at weekend (he is always home).

I don't want to be passive aggressive and make it awkward for him (I know he is looking for somewhere and partner says he'd like to think his friend would do the same for him if situation was reversed) but he's not my friend and I'm tired of having to share our flat with him.

Wwyd? He has nowhere to live atm so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (telling him to give us our couch back / stop being a bitch and suck it up for partners mate)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 23:04

You will do it again

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 23:07

Come back on May 1st and tell us how it went

expatinscotland · 17/04/2016 23:12

'Went to pub where he went to the bar and bought himself a pint and sharing platter lunch to eat himself. No offer of a drink to us. Nursed his pint for 2.5 hours as we had decided not to offer to buy him a round.'

And can afford a holiday, too. I'd stay up with your DP and then, in your room, tell him, he needs to LEAVE. No talking behind your back about it. You have had enough of him leeching off you.

And don't fucking ask him for a contribution. Get over that shit. He's a fucking mooch. We'll need £200 from you, too, to cover all the food you ate and extra utilities since you were here all day.

suzannecaravaggio · 17/04/2016 23:19

'seems he's shocked and annoyed'
you backed him into a corner and he didnt have a suitable response prepared!

this freeloader will probably ultimately just use you two as target practice...next time he wants a free ride he'll fine tune his strategy to make sure he doesnt get put on the spot like that

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2016 23:23

He gave you attitude about asking him to leave after you've given him free room and board for 3 weeks and were offering him another 2 weeks. Shock

Why the actual fuck didn't you say, get out tomorrow you ungrateful leech?!!

He is going on holiday at the end of May. He has used your money to pay for that. Your food money, your drink money, your heating.

Why are you so scared of him?

Or are you afraid of arguing with your DH? You say you can't be assertive at home. Have you been trained to be a doormat?

Floggingmolly · 17/04/2016 23:43

The "not very nice" argument was with your dp, right? So not only does his mate not want to leave; your dp doesn't want him to either? You've got a bigger problem than you imagined, it seems...

Clearoutre · 18/04/2016 06:20

You've been a total saint!

Suspect what you said re. him being lonely and him not liking his previous house/house mates means there was an element of you wanting to help him out during a tough time hence the extra mile he's been given. The lack of gratitude (financially) though sounds like he's taking advantage of your generosity and his reaction it's especially sad for your Partner as he clearly values taking what he can get more than their friendship.

If I was told, by friends housing me, "You need to leave and really should give us some money" I'd be so embarrassed and wanting to leave immediately or at least explain and say "I'm sorry, the reason is X"...yet he's reacted by sulking?!

What you've said makes you no less generous or willing to help your friends out in general but, for this particular individual, I'd not concern myself with his feelings any more. I also wouldn't rule out a further conversation along the lines of "We've had a re-think following your reaction and we actually want you out sooner and you need to pay us £x".

Get a flat-reclamation celebration planned!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/04/2016 07:00

I might set up an online shop and say "did you want to eat with us this week? The cost is going to be £X. If you want to get all your own food and drink that's fine, I can allow you this and that space to store it. It's not much, but this flat isn't designed for 3".

YouSay · 18/04/2016 07:06

I cannot believe you have let him stay on the couch for so long and our willing to let him stay until the end of April. Why the hell didn't he organise his next accommodation before leaving his last like everyone else has to. What a freeloader! I would not be including him in meals. He is not a guest.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/04/2016 07:15

He's a cuckoo. He's planning to get your DP on his side so he can stay longer. I'd tread very carefully if I were you OP.

Shelby2010 · 18/04/2016 07:30

Change the WiFi password before you leave this morning. If he needs it to work he can go & sit in Costa's & see if he can sponge free tea & snacks off them.
Also arrange for a friend / relative to stay for the first weekend in May so he has to be gone & no chance of your DH waivering...

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 07:52

I'd change the WiFi password, too. Say the leccy bill is too high and you can't afford to have a third person hanging round all day.

AddToBasket · 18/04/2016 08:01

Good for you. And, yeah, change the wifi code.

LindyHemming · 18/04/2016 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoatyMcBoat · 18/04/2016 08:12

Shelby's plan is a good one. Change the Wifi password and arrange for someone else to come stay for the Mayday weekend. There's got to be some good stuff going on round your way to celebrate it.

Next time, just laugh and say "are you sulking? sulking? At your age you're sulking" with increasing degrees of disbelief.

RaeSkywalker · 18/04/2016 08:18

Is your DP now more of the same mind as you, post sulking?

I really hope it goes smoothly and you've got your own space back in a couple of weeks.

suzannecaravaggio · 18/04/2016 08:30

Pair of doormats
You let this person just walk into your life/flat and take over

Caprinihahahaha · 18/04/2016 08:35

I am a bit of a pushover in many ways but I am agog at this.
It takes being a doormat into a whole new level.
I couldn't put up with him in my house after the way he behaved when you gave him two weeks to move.

Your DH is behaving really badly - siding with his freeloading mate.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2016 08:52

So let's see, he was banking on saving two months' rent, food and bills by freeloading off you. About how much is that? And you're worried about being seen to profit from him?

He's not poor. He has plenty of options - AirB&B, hotel, hostel, get another share/spareroom.com. He is using you to save himself probably upwards of £1000.

The not offering to buy you a drink or share his food is beyond rude.

He's not nice or polite, he only behaves that way when he needs to keep you sweet to sponge. He got the arse when you told him the game was up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/04/2016 09:05

Pmsl At changing wifi password. But good point :)

Feeding a 3rd mouth costs - you should have said at beginning - fine to stay 2/3 weeks while you find somewhere and dp and I have chatted and £100 a week towards food and bills

Total rude git not to buy you a drink or food in the pub

Hope he leaves by end of April

Certainly don't want him there in may and if he had said that to me I would be relying you will be gone by then !!!!!

LovelyFriend · 18/04/2016 11:02

oh so after not buying you a drink or sharing his food in the pub, he get's the hump when you politely ask him to stop freeloading, and give him overly reasonable 2 weeks to leave and now he is GOING TO SULK/CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE IN YOUR HOME FOR TWO WEEKS!

I'd give him a day of sulking and after that if there is still even the merest hint of an atmosphere I'd be asking him to leave immediately on the grounds that I won't live under these conditions, created by a free loader in MY OWN FUCKING HOME.

(yes bit of shouting up there but gee this is fucking incredible)

LovelyFriend · 18/04/2016 11:03

and he "works from home" - oh that would be YOUR HOME.
He want's to stay there until after he's gone on his lovely holiday funded, in part, by you OP! Hmm

AugustaFinkNottle · 18/04/2016 11:11

I take it that when he's working at home during the day he's using your heating and helping himself to stuff from your fridge? I suggest you tell him that's going to stop unless he buys the groceries.

paxillin · 18/04/2016 11:13

You should also make clear that this is still your home. Get up early, ask him to pull his feet away as you sit on YOUR sofa in your PJs slurping coffee. Put on the tv at 2am if that's what you like doing and have the laundry spider in the sitting room over night if you need to. It's not like he is a welcome and much wanted guest.

AuntMabel · 18/04/2016 11:20

Agreed that we would not ask for any money as don't want to seem that we are making a profit from him being there...

But you will be running at a loss due to how much it's costing you in additional utilities. Hmm Honestly OP you sound like a walkover.

Has he got some sort of hold over you and your DP that you haven't disclosed? Are you or secret lemonade drinkers and you don't want your friends who would not take the piss of you and lollop all over your couch enjoying your hospitality for 6 weeks free of charge to find out? Tolerating this sort of exploitation from a "friend" is crazy.