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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overstaying a welcome (to want my couch back)?

165 replies

Tooslowchickenmarengo · 16/04/2016 23:37

Sorry this is long and more of a wwyd than aibu really.

Partner's friend has been living on our couch for the last three weeks (small one bed flat, open plan kitchen/living room). He left his previous flat share as didn't want to commit to another year long tenancy as he wasn't happy with his room and flat mates. I suspect he was a bit lonely too. The decision to not renew tenancy decided upon before he asked if he could crash at our flat whilst he looked for somewhere else so very much fait accompli and felt put in a position to say nothing but of course you can stay. Separately he asked if he could store his stuff at pils house (round the corner from us) which they obliged. This was all requested a week prior to move.

So as not to drip feed, he did the same thing two years ago (stayed on couch for six weeks, used the flat as his own, stored stuff at pils and partner helped him move when he eventually found somewhere). When he left there wasn't so much as a thank you card, bottle of wine or flowers despite staying with us despite not paying any bills or food and thus saving close to a grand on bills and rent. It is really not about the money at all - we would never accept it but a gesture would mean I at least didn't feel like we were having the piss taken.

I'm annoyed for being put in this position in the first place but also because he is a bit tight- he's not put his hand in his pocket for the last three weeks, never buys a round at the pub if we've gone out or offers to get stuff from the shop despite being happy to eat our food. I know I'm being a bitch but I'm also tired of making small talk when I get home from work or at weekend (he is always home).

I don't want to be passive aggressive and make it awkward for him (I know he is looking for somewhere and partner says he'd like to think his friend would do the same for him if situation was reversed) but he's not my friend and I'm tired of having to share our flat with him.

Wwyd? He has nowhere to live atm so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (telling him to give us our couch back / stop being a bitch and suck it up for partners mate)

OP posts:

whois · 17/04/2016 11:57

You're not being a bitch. Your DO is a total pushover if he thinks it's ok his friend hasn't contributed.

Can you just say, calmly, "Friend, I need a definite date when you're going to move out. Maybe you can rent an Airbnb room or something if you still haven't found a flat. The flat is too cramped for three people. Also, since you are effectively living here, I would appreciate a contribution towards the food etc."

P1nkP0ppy · 17/04/2016 11:59

He's got a bloody nerve using your PiL for free storage too!
I'd tell him he owes you £100 /week or whatever for board and lodging for a start.
He's either incredibly thick skinned or a total cock(less) lodger.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/04/2016 12:03

Give him a deadline. At the end of this month, on pay-day, he needs to have sorted himself out. Presumably he got his deposit back from the last place and still has it. He's not had to pay any living costs bar fares to work, so he should have plenty of cash to finance his move.

He's brazen and doesn't give a fuck about you, so don't give a fuck about him.

The real problem is your partner. He's been taken for a ride before and is accepting being taken for a ride now. He needs to fear your ire and that should over-ride his passivity or embarrassment over this freeloading "friend".

End of this month, and if he isn't gone you will be.

Original poster

Tooslowchickenmarengo · 17/04/2016 12:05

Thanks everyone for the replies- I had wound myself right up last night stewing on it and needed to vent - feel a bit better now knowing that I'm not being unreasonable.

I think to be honest I'm more annoyed at myself for not being assertive enough to say no when he told us he needed to stay with us, after last time and feeling like I have no right to complain as we agreed to it.

I don't want to paint him as a monster, aside from the tightness he is quite polite and friendly - which makes me second guess myself for feeling the way I do. I really don't know if he realises that he is taking the piss - but he is always in the flat (freelancer so works from home). He is staying on the sofa bed in the front room so it's evenings for three every night!

I don't want to charge him rent or bills at this point as money isn't really the issue and don't want him to feel he has any more of a stake in the flat. I know he has been going to viewings for flatshares but hasn't had any luck finding somewhere which is what makes me feel like we can't just chuck him out as he'd have nowhere to go.

I've spoken to DP about it a number of times and he agrees that it's an inconvenience but says nothing much to be done until he finds somewhere. DP doesn't see the issue with the tightness/him taking the piss (which again makes me feel like a bit of an ogre for pointing it out to him).

I know I definitely need to be more assertive and should have said no to begin with. But looking through all the replies I think I will speak to DP today and say we need to put a deadline on how much longer he can stay for and that he will need to contribute food if he is eating with us. If DP isn't willing to tell him, I'll suck it up and tell him myself!

Lesson in assertiveness for me today!!!

OP posts:

VitaSackvilleVest · 17/04/2016 12:21

So he gets his meals cooked for him, gets wi-fi and heating and no doubt you do his laundry for him too.

Its time to suck it up and tell him to sling his hook.

StealthPolarBear · 17/04/2016 12:32

I wonder how hard he's actually looking for somewhere

Sgoinneal · 17/04/2016 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 12:41

He wouldn't have any "stake" in the flat if he paid you a fair price for the food and utilities he has been using. Who gave you that daft idea ?

StealthPolarBear · 17/04/2016 12:44

I can see the ops point. If he pays rent it puts the arrangement on a more formal footing. She doesn't particularly want his money, just wants him gone

Dontlaugh · 17/04/2016 12:50

It's not "rent" in the formal sense - it's a contribution to the food and heat etc. I can't see it giving him any rights? Not without a tenancy agreement.
Your DH is an issue too, if he thinks it's ok to treat you and your home in this manner.
How much are you willing to put up with - how long more can friend stay, how much more food are you willing to give him, how many more nights can you be without your sofa?
Why don't you just give him a date to move out? I am struggling to understand why, and appreciate you have said lack of assertiveness.
Would you ever let this happen again?

VenusRising · 17/04/2016 12:50

Too slow, give your local mediator a ring and explain you'd like a session.
Explain the situation and ask your DHs friend to come to a meeting.
This is having an effect on your health, and you need to be kind to yourself as well as this man by doing something abut this ongoing situation.

You have been a bit of a push over, it's true, but it's understandable as this has crept up on a day by day basis, and you seem like a kind person. He seems to be a bit lost and no doubt is a bit timid about taking responsibility for himself.

A mediator will help you navigate your needs without leaving a bad taste and burning bridges. They have very reasonable rates..

Good luck with it.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 12:51

It's not rent. What are you saying ? That if he pays a few weeks board he could turf out op and her partner ? Ludicrous.

It should have been made clear at the beginning he pays his way. And he still goes.

Poikjhvcx · 17/04/2016 12:54

Oh dear, that doesn't sound very promising. I know you are now saying it's not about money but you commented on money in your OP so I think you might now be saying 'it's not about the money' because you are so nervous of actually talking to him. Asking him to contribute has NOTHING to do with him having a stake in the flat . He needs to cover his costs at the very least. Why is it so hard to ask him? I honestly don't get it. It's a bit 'wet' sounding, sorry. He has stayed longer than he said he would so it's a perfect excuse to review things.

He is freeloading but I'm sure he can justify it to himself very easily. OP and her DP let me stay with them for six weeks two years ago and I didn't contribute anything, I asked if I could stay again and they said YES! , Wahoo, I'll behave the same as I did last time.

I've been in this situation and have always found it easier and fairer to discuss money. It's more honest than ending up silently resenting someone because you are too nervous to simply talk to them.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2016 12:54

Pay a mediator ?

Jesus, get some cojones people. This "poor" bloke is a skilled freeloader. Some people manage to get through life taking the piss out of others who appear to be unable to stand up for themselves.

AyeAmarok · 17/04/2016 12:55

You're not being a bitch at all. I couldn't cope with this.

Dontlaugh · 17/04/2016 12:57

Mediator? Bad taste? burning bridges? Seriously? You think paying someone to not offend a man who WON'T MOVE OUT is a good idea. It's not, to be clear.
The police offer a much more efficient service, to be honest, if it comes to it.
If I were the OP I'd be pouring petrol on those bridges. Who needs someone like that freeloader in their lives?

Fairenuff · 17/04/2016 13:00

Haha

Some of these replies make me laugh. The man is getting free, yes free board and lodgings. And you wonder why he hasn't managed to find anywhere else?

Don't ask him for money. If you're too afraid to chuck him out, just smile sweetly and tell him that your friend from overseas is coming to stay next week so could he be out by Tuesday please. Job done. Tell your partner the same thing if he doesn't have any balls either

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/04/2016 13:03

Turn up with a notebook. "Greg - do you think you'll still be here next weekend?" "Probably" "Great. Next weekend is spring cleaning weekend. Always lovely to have a spare pair of hands! I'll put you down for ba throws and kitchens - the area under the cooker is awful but Dh can help you move it - great to have two strong men in the house. We'll start at 9am on Saturday and if we work until 10pm hopefully we'll be all done by lunchtime on Sunday."

clam · 17/04/2016 13:17

OK, so your dp doesn't want to kick him out on the street, but him not contributing anything to expenses, even drinks in the pub is way out of order.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 17/04/2016 13:18

Mum I would change that to the following:

"Greg - do you think you'll still be here next weekend?" "Probably"

"Wrong answer, shall we try that again"

AugustaFinkNottle · 17/04/2016 13:22

I'm finding it difficult to believe that it takes this long to find a flat. If he can't find a flatshare, he should be looking for a bedsit or lodgings, if only on a short term basis till he finds something better.

MadamDeathstare · 17/04/2016 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/04/2016 13:48

snoring That would be better but it looks like Op's Dh won't have him be kicked out. 15 hours of free manual labour would make me feel much better.....

Make sure you put him on toilet cleaning whilst you do decluttering.

BoatyMcBoat · 17/04/2016 13:59

OMG, please say you're not doing his laundry.

StealthPolarBear · 17/04/2016 14:01

No not to throw the op out but if he pays he may think he's paying his way and therefore doesn't need to move out any time soon

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