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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
MrBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:44

Above post was for Lass, who appears to be struggling with the definitions and how they are connected.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 22:46

Thank you MrBo ( :o )

That's a good explanation and wasn't quite what I was thinking but I am prepared to say that in that case IWBU. But I suppose I still think that if you go for the top aim then it pulls everything else along with it.

Does than now mean that feminists shouldn't be christians? Wink

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 22:47

Oh it was for Lass? well every day is a school day and I wasn't quite correct in what I thought either.

MrBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:55

S'ok Magnum, she'll post something else in a minute that picks apart something irrelevant just to feel superior for a second...

I understood what you were getting at and thought it was clear, but I'm coming from the same sort of viewpoint as you are anyway.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 23:04

I think you will find those who declare they are not feminists often declare they are "equalists". I think that is what the poster who declared she was a humanist might have meant.

Possibly it's a term you are unfamiliar with?

r/Feminism
m.reddit.com/r/Feminism/comments/2m6lbh/why_its_called_feminism_and_not_equalism_and_why/

A scientist's view: why I'm an equalist and not a feminist

gu.com/p/3h7q2?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

No, not struggling with definitions. I'm not the poster who started talking about humanism and couldn't understand why religion was then being discussed.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 23:07

Ah well it's nice to meet a kindered spirit :)

I really do wonder sometimes if I am really a man so I might become Mr Magnum. I think I have been judged by women a lot more than I ever have by men.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 23:16

Lass that's cos I is fick dontcha know....

I always try to avoid religion being discussed as I tend to start losing the will to live - just like this thread actually.

You know very well the point I was making Lass you just chose to be obtuse and show that you are smart and clever etc. whilst avoiding the point as it didn't suit you to do so. NAd is there a reason that you keep referring to "the poster" etc rather than directing the comment to me? Is it because you fucked up earlier and attributed a comment to Bert by mistake? As the only explanation on the thread at that point was mine i either have to assume you thought I was correct or you'd lost the plot completely.

That's fine you crack on with your links and your aspersions, but at the end of the day it gets dark, I'll still be a Mrs and there is fuck all you can do about it.

Anyway. I'm calling it a night, I have work in the morning.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 23:20

Oh and I've just been on a thread where you agreed absolutely with me on a completely different subject Lass, maybe you might want to go and retract that now in light of my crimes to womanhood for which I am not even showing any remorse.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2016 07:22

I think part of the problem is that people take political statements personally. It's inevitable, of course-who wouldn't? But it's like anything- an individual doing something doesn't have an immediate impact. Which is why it's impossible to give specific examples of harm done by insisting on the old fashioned "relationship with men" titles. It just contributes to the mind set that being a man is the default position for a human being and being a woman is a sort of adjunct. Like Chairman, mankind, "he" being the universal pronoun.....

ElanoraHeights · 20/04/2016 07:39

I said I would bow out but I have kept an eye on this thread and want to agree with everything that BertrandRussell (my new shero!) has said.

There are a million small ways that single women are discriminated against in society and separating women into 'married/unmarried' women, as if being married is somehow better/superior in some way, does not help that. At this point, may of you will cry that those wishing to call themselves 'Mrs' do not see themselves as superior or better; which baffles me slightly, as you talk about being 'proud' to be a Mrs and wanting people to know. If you didn't feel you wanted people to know or you didn't care that much, you wouldn't change your title in the first place as it just wouldn't matter to you.

And someone has said that if there was only one title for women, they would come up with yet another title to distinguish themselves as being married. It seems very important to many posters for their marital status to be known yet, at the same time, many are saying it doesn't matter all that much to them (if that's the case, why change in the first place?).

I was in a long relationship (not married - and if I had I would still have remained Ms) and now I'm single and I see this discrimination everywhere. It's also an attitude and it's one I get from my married friends too (even the unhappily married ones!). I cringe when I think I was probably like that too when I was in my long relationship.

And, as Bertrand says, the personal is political. Those small statements we make in every day life do mean something even if we think that they are insignificant.

I only hope that one day all this Mrs/Miss business does become as old fashioned as it is in the US/France/Germany.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2016 07:41

..sorry, posted too soon.Yes, of course there are bigger fish to fry. But no reason not to fry the little ones as well. Particularly when it's such an easy, painless bit of cooking- and one which has such an important symbolic effect.

On the Humanism point. I have never heard Humanist used to mean anything but the philosophical position held by many non religious people that we should life our lives based on reason and humanity. I have never heard it used to mean "feminism but with men too". I know a lot of people came themselves "equalists"

Obviously, I believe in equality for all. But it does seem to me to be a bit daft to suggest that men as a class need support to fight for basic human rights in the way that women as a class do.

ElanoraHeights · 20/04/2016 07:42

Also many posters are saying that the problem is partly that there are no equivalent titles for men and that they should come up with one.

That's like saying that there are no strip clubs for women so we should stick some on the high street to redress the balance - which doesn't address the problem in the first place!

ElanoraHeights · 20/04/2016 07:44

The "bigger fish to fry" argument is one I can tick off my feminist bingo card! We hear that all the time; whatever you do, there is always something more important. It's a way of shutting down an argument.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2016 07:44

Oh, and I've just remembered that I spotted this "I don't like the attitude that "woman" equals good and "man" equals bad " last night.

I'm not sure what it relates to- has anyone on this thread said anything like that?

Jemappelle · 20/04/2016 13:32

Mine did this. I sent up a massive complaint in writing which trickled up to the bosses and down to her.

It's never happened again.

Jemappelle · 20/04/2016 13:35

Some of the best conversations are as follows -

Right could I have your first and last names please ?

its Je Mapelle

And is that Miss or Mrs?

Its Dr.

Oh sorry okay yes.

MsGemJay · 20/04/2016 18:09

Could be a genuine mistake. I am listed as "devorced" At least your HR Team can spell!

Wtuk · 20/04/2016 18:12

If your married then why wouldn't people assume your a Mrs?? Wish being call Mrs or Ms was at the top of my anger list!

Purple52 · 20/04/2016 18:22

I hate being called 'Ms' I feel as if it makes me feel like to some sort of scandaless hussy!
I am proud to be married (& have children in wedlock) & I think referring to me otherwise (especially when someone knows I have a husband - less so at work where I'm just a contact name) is downright rude.

However. If someone does write to me as Ms. I tend not to correct them, but I would for a payslip - well because you might need that to prove your identity for mortgage/loan etc!

lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 18:25

Bertrand, you're needed....

RaspberryOverload · 20/04/2016 18:33

Purple52 Titles are not a legal requirement, or a part of your legal name.

Choceeclair123 · 20/04/2016 18:41

I'm with BeaufortBelle, they're probably a VERY busy HR team under a lot of pressure trying to get everyone paid on time. Seriously, get over it.

mammamic · 20/04/2016 19:07

SpaceCadet - YANBU to ask for it to be changed, however IMO YABU to be 'angry'.

Really? Is it something to be angry about? In the UK, the majority of people who marry become Mrs - even some who keep their own name, as you have chosen to. It is not unreasonable, therefore, for a HR dept to assume you are Mrs 'x'.

Ditch the anger and instruct them to change it as it's incorrect.

Boomingmarvellous · 20/04/2016 19:19

This is so mind bogglingly unimportant I can't imagine anyone stressing out over it.

lorelei9here · 20/04/2016 19:43

MsGemJay
How is it that your work place know, or need to know, that you are divorced? Is it tax related? I know when I do salary calculations online there is a box to tick but I don't how it affects tax.