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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
HarlotBronte · 18/04/2016 19:39

It was a response to you saying you don't think men should add in another title for married men. I'm not sure we're entitled to an opinion on that one really, it's their prerogative. Since they've never made any attempt to do it, I respect that, but that would also be true if some of them did. I don't really know what 'pointing out the irrefutable inequality can surely be done by either gender' means though.

SwissAnh · 18/04/2016 19:45

To be honest, yes I think it is a little unreasonable to get angry about what is probably an honest assumption, made based on common practice. As you mentioned this is something which can be rectified quickly and with little effort. In the grand scheme of things, this is a small issue, a first world problem. Ask for it to be sorted and move on. For your own sake as being angry is not healthy.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 18/04/2016 19:52

SoaceCadet4000 just wondering if you contacted HR and, if so, how they reacted?

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 18/04/2016 20:01

Harlot I think maybe I misunderstood what you had said. I thought you were saying it wasn't my place to point out that it was an inequality but that wasn't your meaning, apologies. As for not thinking that men should add another title in, I am as entitled to an opinion on that as they are to an opinion on female titles (we disagree on this point, I think we are all entitled to have opinions on whatever we want). It doesn't mean they, or anyone for that matter, has to listen to my opinion of course, but I am allowed to have one Smile

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:08

Bo "Whatever you take Mrs to mean when someone who is not married uses Mrs is your own prejudice."

Bike elderflower rug boggle plant, particularly apple time rose plant glasses case, alongside new throw television.

Translation - if you remove the actual definition of a word, you end up with total nonsense.

Itinerary · 18/04/2016 20:19

Bike elderflower rug boggle plant, particularly apple time rose plant glasses case, alongside new throw television.

Quote of the week, surely? Grin Makes perfect sense.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 18/04/2016 20:22

Again, I said this.
The reason for the split was young woman wanting to be called 'Miss', which meant that Mrs then evolved to mean married. Which I also said.

Er no. You claimed the split was because younger women wanted to distinguish themselves from older women which then somehow evolved in to marital status.

Whereas the split had nothing whatsoever to do with age.

MrsBoDuke · 18/04/2016 20:32

Lass, you seem to be following me round threads and selectively misquoting me.

It is beyond tedious.

I have repeatedly said throughout this thread that I wish there was one term for adult female.
I personally prefer Mrs.

That is all.

Please use your time more wisely by haranguing someone else who can actually be arsed with you.

Many thanks.

Off to name change now to escape incessant twattery.

Thank you to everyone who has been debating on this thread, it has made me think about things that hadn't before occurred to me.

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:43

Bo, you will NC to MsBoDuke right? Wink

MrsBoDuke · 18/04/2016 20:45

Ha!
Yes lorelei, obvs! GrinGrin

MsBoDuke · 18/04/2016 20:46

There...

lorelei9here · 18/04/2016 20:59

MsBo, that's made me lol! Thank you Grin

Tessabelle74 · 18/04/2016 21:10

I don't want to be a Ms, before I was married I was a Miss. You have no right to tell me I'm wrong to want to be a Mrs any more than I have the right to say you should be a Miss! My mum remained a Mrs after divorcing my dad so in fact it doesn't just highlight the fact you're married at all!
Does anyone, in reality, use their title much more than on post etc anyway? Not one person at school for example, has introduced themselves in the playground as "Mrs Jane Smith" or "Ms Verity Jones" so it's largely irrelevant what your title is and most certainly what mine is is nobody's business but mine! I'd be one if those women inventing married "title" if you removed Mrs!

Breadandwine · 18/04/2016 21:11

And me! Well done, MsBo! Grin

EBearhug · 18/04/2016 21:33

Everyone should have their free choice

Should. But we don't - this thread is proof of that. Whichever choice you make, someone will judge you for it and make assumptions about how you think and live your life. Men just don't have to go through that.

Tessabelle74 · 18/04/2016 21:36

Then EBearhug maybe we should be demanding men change their names not slating women who choose to?

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2016 21:43

" have repeatedly said throughout this thread that I wish there was one term for adult female.
I personally prefer Mrs"

And I have repeatedly asked you how long you think it would take for Mrsto lose it's current meaning from a standing start............

HarlotBronte · 18/04/2016 22:01

Who are you addressing yourself to tessabelle, has someone told you you're wrong to want to be a Mrs?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 18/04/2016 22:12

And I have repeatedly asked you how long you think it would take for Mrsto lose it's current meaning from a standing start............

Well you won't get an answer to that - because apparently Mrs doesn't mean married (or clinging on to your title after your divorce)

Tessabelle74 · 18/04/2016 22:20

Several have actually Harlot! I'm "letting the side down" according to one poster, I'm preventing another from "having an ambiguous title" etc etc!

MsBoDuke · 18/04/2016 22:30

clinging on to your title after your divorce

What a sneering turn of phrase you have.
Nice.
Hmm

MsBoDuke · 18/04/2016 22:35

And I have repeatedly asked you how long you think it would take for Mrsto lose it's current meaning from a standing start............

And I have repeatedly answered, with reasons, why I think it would (imo) probably prove easier to use Mrs for all adult women than Ms.

Obviously as I am not blessed with psychic powers I cannot nail down a timescale for you.

SenecaFalls · 18/04/2016 23:45

And I have repeatedly answered, with reasons, why I think it would (imo) probably prove easier to use Mrs for all adult women than Ms.

So why do you suppose the opposite has happened in the US?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 18/04/2016 23:48

Seneca when did that happen and how?

MsBoDuke · 19/04/2016 00:00

So why do you suppose the opposite has happened in the US?

From wiki:

A friend of Gloria Steinemm^ heard the interview and suggested it as a title for her new magazine. Ms..^ magazine's popularity finally allowed the term to enjoy widespread usage.[15]^^

It would appear it became popular in the US due to the woman who was trying to get it accepted as mainstream being on a radio interview. A listener had a friend who was starting up a new women's magazine.
The subsequent popularity of the magazine made the term popular amongst women.

But presumably you knew this?

It took me less than a minute to google it.