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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

731 replies

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/04/2016 15:33

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

OP posts:
Orda1 · 19/04/2016 21:04

I am a miss, I am referred to as Ms at what to and I hate it!

Orda1 · 19/04/2016 21:04

Work*

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 21:20

It's not necessary, that is the point, but it exists and people choose to use it - does it need a purpose?

So "Mrs" has no purpose ? It just exists does it? Like the lillies of the field. It has no purpose so presumably has no meaning. Sorry that's the least coherent defence yet.

And you are seriously misinterpreting what humanism and humanist means.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 21:26

..and I'm still wondering what the feck religion (i.e. blind faith) has to do with anything

Because being a humanist means one rejects blind faith. You said you were a humanist not a feminist. Humanism and feminism are not opposing philosophical schools of thought. Religion and Humanism are.

MsBoDuke · 19/04/2016 21:26

You're pissing in the wind now Magnum, some people just twist every single thing to suit their agenda - others just blatantly make shit up that you haven't said.

I am also confused as to what religion has to do with this subject.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:32

I don't think any titles have a purpose - I'd gladly do without them as I've stated many times. I use Mrs by default when I have to in order to allow me to complete on line stuff which requires me to select an option. As I've also said before, I use Mrs as I dislike Ms and I feel too old to be a Miss - that's my choice to make and it really has feck all to do with anyone else's choice - still no-one has given an actual situation when using Mrs has meant they were treated less fairly.

People have names, I'd rather we just used those.

And no, i'm not. Can you post the explanation that Bert gave that you agreed with?

Oh and also what religion has to do with it too?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 21:33

Well the confusion is due to posters not understanding the meaning of "humanist".

It was neither Bert or me who brought religion in to it. The statement I'm a humanist not a feminist makes no sense.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:34

Sorry you replied while I was typing about religion - well that's fine then because I'm an atheist :)

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 21:36

You can be a feminist and a humanist at the same time- just as there are Christian and atheist feminists

Feminism and Humanism are not opposing philosophical positions.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:37

It was bert that mentioned religion - are you on the same thread as me?

and MsBo - Quite! Oh and please change back your title though I will concede that was funny at the time.

MrsBoDuke · 19/04/2016 21:40
Grin
OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:40

Feminism and Humanism are not opposing philosophical positions. I don't think I said they were.

My point was that I'd rather that we thought about humans and treating them fairly rather than focussing on sub groups of humans, so if you actually treat everyone well then there is no need to particularly champion the cause of one specific group in favour of any other - does that help?

MrsBoDuke · 19/04/2016 21:45

Better overthought than underthought!

Fair point actually.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:45

MrBo :o

Anyway I am getting tired of banging my head off a brick wall about something that actually doesn't seem to have manifested itself into any kind of practical issue for any people on this thread.

To return to the OP, she is NBU to want her employers to use the title that she prefers, she is B a wee bit U to get angry about a small error that is easily resolved and hasn't actually caused her to be treated unfairly. i am sure by now she has contacted HR and they have resolved it. In the meantime we have managed over 650 posts about it. I'm quite impressed.

Does anyone else want to take up the baton or shall we leave them to it?

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 21:46

Oh well that was a spectacular fail! MrsBo :o :o :o Blush

MrsBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:01

I might be MrBo actually if I return again!

Mistigri · 19/04/2016 22:02

The bigger issue here is that a HR department that makes frankly outdated and unprofessional assumptions about married women may operate equally outdated policies in other aspects of their work.

Plus, it reflects badly on the company as an employer.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 22:10

The bigger issue here is that a HR department that makes frankly outdated and unprofessional assumptions about married women may operate equally outdated policies in other aspects of their work.

How do we know they made any such assumption? They may have, or they may have gone for a statistical guess or maybe the software defaults or maybe someone hit the wrong button.

Plus, it reflects badly on the company as an employer.

They may be the best employer in the UK or the worst, we have no evidence either way and I'm guessing the OP doesn't know yet either and actually had already accepted the job before this major faux pas was revealed.....unless she now outs them then any prospective new employees are going to be oblivious to these heinous practices prior to joining too.

It does sound like they have gaps in their process though but not being an HR professional, I really don't know. Maybe now that they OP has contacted them they'll be more careful not to do the same again.

BertrandRussell · 19/04/2016 22:11
janethegirl2 · 19/04/2016 22:18

I don't see the need for any of the Ms, Miss or Mrs. It's your first name then your second name ie I am Jane Girl and I do not want any of the designations attached to me.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/04/2016 22:28

My point was that I'd rather that we thought about humans and treating them fairly rather than focussing on sub groups of humans, so if you actually treat everyone well then there is no need to particularly champion the cause of one specific group in favour of any other - does that help?

That is equalism - not humanism.

Perhaps this will clarify what a "humanist" is.

British Humanist Association: The BHA
humanism.org.uk/

MrBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:29

That's Mr Bo Duke now Bertrand WinkGrin

MrBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:33

Egalitarianism, not Equalism.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/04/2016 22:34

Lass, I really don't care tbh - I've already said what I meant. That really has nothing to do with it, you are just looking for an argument.

Maybe you could spend your time finding and posting the definition of Berts that you agreed with as I asked earlier? Or is it a bit of a pain when someone keeps harping on about one thing over and over again when it is irrelevant to the conversation at hand?

What is it you are hoping to achieve here? Is it to persuade me that I am actually providing real demonstrable harm to the rest of womankind by continuing to use Mrs and not Ms and then change my view and become a MS? Well, I'll save you the time as until someone has real situations where they have been harmed by it then I have nothing to even consider in terms of changing my view.

MrBoDuke · 19/04/2016 22:43

Extract from herstoryarc.com relating to Egalitarianism, Humanism & Feminism and how they intertwine:

^Egalitarianism is the end goal, which is to treat everyone as equals.
Secular humanism is a belief that human beings should base their decision making on facts and observations rather than just accepting things as they are told to you.
Feminism uses the secular humanist mentality to sift through our patriarchal society in order to bring inequalities to light and move toward equality, aka egalitarianism. So humanism and egalitarianism aren’t so much as umbrellas under which we can place feminism, as they are all three intertwined.^