To detest our marriage counsellor?

[Discobabe]

Apparently when I say my husband should/could have put our relationship first in certain situations, it's authoritative. Where did I learn those words? No one wants to be bossed around, if they are they might want to know why they should xyz. Am I seriously meant to spell out to my husband why our relationship should (oops, there I go again) come first?

If I disagree with anything she says we sit in long, stony silences until I speak again. I feel like I have words put in my mouth or I have to agree or i'll face the silence......We actually sat for about 5 mins in complete silence.

I've been sent away to think about my daddy issues, on a non cognitive level I have them because he worked away a lot when I was little and I must have missed him and felt neglected by him (hence why I react so strongly when I feel 'neglected' by my husband)....I was never close to my dad when I was little and didn't give a toss that he wasn't around often. Am I.supposed to pretend I was to fit the cliche?

Or am I just horrendously in denial about stuff?

All I can think.is if I had what I though was a fairly normal and good childhood and I'm as fucked up as I am, my kids stand no chance :(

BACP will only be interested in their own registered members. I belong to one professional organisation for my work. It would be totally irrelevant anyone talking to another one, covering the same work, with whom I wasn't registered.

When I said report her...I meant speak to her first and then if not satisfied report her
If you are going to report her you should have fully explained and explored any issues you had with her and the therapy
let her know what isn't working and why
Then give her a chance to amend..on the first occasion she doesn't end the sessions

Or alternately end therapy with her and make sure you give full and frank feedback to her and relate by email

There are some remarkable relate therapists

Then who should OP get some advice about how to proceed with any concerns she may have? If not an organisation like BACP then who?

I wouldn't speak to or see her again op. Leave immediately and make concerns known through CPCAB, copying in Relate

She said she wanted to discuss the sexual assault.
I said "well what happens if I don't want to discuss that? because I don't."
She said, if it's not discussed we won't be able to proceed with the couples counselling, as I'd never manage to have a fully open and trusting relationship with my husband

(My husband wasn't at this session, I see a few think he was)

Silence is fine to allow me to answer. When I feel I have answered but we continue to sit in silence it's stressful and makes me even less inclined to talk. Surely she should move the conversation along, ask something else or reword the question if I haven't answered it fully enough for her liking? Rather than us sitting in endless silences whilst she stares at me. It seems it's unacceptable to expect my husband to read my mind, but I should be able to read hers :/

This is CRAP THERAPY op.

She's like the school ma'am forcing you to do what she says. She of font of all knowledge

Anyway, blood boiling here so I think I'd better take off.

Do knock this vile cow on the head literally

She sounds anti authoritarian and is reacting to the word 'should'. Why should there be no shoulds?
What does marriage mean if not 'you should not have sex with anyone else when you are married?
Should you be considerate or should you be selfish?

Has she asked you to try phrasing your request in a different way?

The CPCAB are purely examiners. Complaining to them won't help.
Relate will listen to you and take you seriously but they will ask how you have addressed this with your therapist and what steps you took together to remedy the situation.
The therapist may have no idea you feel this way, none at all. If you want the therapist to understand how you feel you need to speak with her. She will probably explain her process and what she was seeing in the situation.

Often silences are used in therapy. Even when it is uncomfortable it can be a very useful therapeutic tool. Speak to her.

Well she sounds like she enjoys dispensing wisdom, power and the giddy joy that comes with blundering around someone's head. Lovely.

Her pressure on you to reveal details you specifically asked not to, is an sbuse of power. And shows how crude her understanding of other people is.

I'd heartily recommend finding another marriage counsellor. And don't think Relate is a shortcut for trained, experienced experts.

My Relate marriage counsellor was dire. I asked her about her training and qualifications, actually because I was interested to find out what types of psychology / counselling her style / techniques came from. But oh dear, she got riled and refused to answer saying that couples weren't allowed to ask her 'intrusive questions' and I was doing it as a play for power found out later she hadn't actually got any proper qualifications or training. Which explains her anger, and deflection and blame onto me.

Mind you, she also agreed my husband should have sex with me whether I wanted to or not. So I shouldn't have been surprised by the lack of professional standing. But like a lot of people I thought relate meant a sign of quality, safety.

But no, she was terrible. I was to blame for everything, and she pandered to his engaging manner and flirting. It's not that all relate counsellors are bad, but they aren't a sign of good either.

This counsellor ended up normalising and endorsing the abuse, and actually condoning non consensual sex.

(Details about follow, don't read if you'll find it upsetting, I don't want to trigger anyone)

It was all my fault of course, even after I tried to explain that he hurt me during sex, and he had sex with me whether I wanted to or not. I also said that I was bleeding afterwards. And that I would be crying as it happened but it never seemed to matter. Oh and that he often started to have sex with me when I was asleep and I couldn't stop it. Looking back, it's blooming well clearly obvious what was happening... But at the time, not so much.

Apparently I was trying to control him by 'withholding sex', and that he was showing his bond with me, by sex. Which I should accept with good grace, and I should realise that sex is very important for alot of men within their ideal of marriage.

And as it was such a terribly abusive marriage, (another massive counselling no-no), and I was so cowed by the abuse, I thought she must have a point. So it carried on.

Oh but now, I had to do it with a smile. Because he had rights, the counsellor had told him so.

That woman did so much harm. Took me years longer, and much mumsnetting, to realise what it was. And call it by its name: Rape. Repeated, terrible rape.

And I can call her by her name too: Rape apologist evil beep x x x x (censored for mumsnetters :)

I agree with finding a new counsellor.

I met a woman who had a very screwed up personal life. Started seeing a man who had a long term partner. Then one time she began ranting and raving about his oh, calling her vile names etc etc. I couldn't believed it when I asked her what she did for a living and she said she was a counsellor.

I remember thinking what the hell, she us totally screwed up how can she give sensible advice to anyone.

I had a bad Relate counsellor and ended up changing to a really good one.

I had gone as I was suffering with stress and anxiety at work. She ended up telling me all her problems - her operations and hysterectomy, her ill brother, how she doesn't sleep well at night and how she goes for walks during the night. She also said I should go on anti-depressants as they worked for her. But the thing that really affected me was when she told me that I was basically causing my work an "inconvenience" by being ill.

I agree with Ronald and her advice. I don't go along with this 'Relate' bashing. They are trained counsellors - some will be good, others not so good, like anyone doing any job.

You are in what ought to be a partnership with your counsellor. If you do not like what she says then you need to talk to her.

It's not a counsellor's role to advise. The whole premise of counselling is to allow you to talk and find your own solutions.

I suspect she is right about if you don't open up about your childhood, you are not going to move forward. The question is- why aren't you happy to discuss those events? Are you able to tell her why? Is it a matter of gaining her trust? I think she is being honest to suggest that unless you talk about it your progress is going to be limited.

Silences are part of counselling. It's to allow you to set the agenda. My Relate counsellor- and a non Relate one too- used the technique. The moment the session began, they sat in silence. It annoyed me, but asking a friend who has some brilliant top counsellors, I now know why. It's so they allow you to start and take control. If she does this throughout your session the idea is for you to start talking! What you choose to talk about is part of the strategy to help yourself.

If you just don't like her, move on. I didn't like one of mine - who wasn't Relate trained and came with good recommendations from friends - because she said so little. But you do sound a bit uncommunicative yourself by not speaking up to her about how you feel over her behaviour.

"Is it a matter of gaining her trust?"

Err, why should she be trying to gain the counsellors trust? Isn't that supposed to be the other way round?! Especially if earning this 'trust' is about being strong armed into discloding details the OP isn't comfortable disclosing at this point in the process. Why on earth should the OP be placed in an uncomfortable and vulnerable position by someone who doesn't appear to be building the trust, safety and respect that are the foundations of a counselling relationship and the key to enabling the OP to feel that at her own pace she can share intimate details about a time when she was vulnerable and violated.

That's not any kind of counselling technique I have ever heard of.

What happened to respecting and honoring the OPs right to her own boundaries and a basic need to create a safe space to talk in?

I think you have got the wrong end of the stick. (And it's early morning so maybe my post was confusing- not had the cup of coffee yet!)
What I meant and I am sure it's clear now, is that in order to open up with a counsellor you have to feel you trust them. So take out the word 'gain' and substitute 'be able to' [trust her']

There is a common misconception running through many posts here- that counsellors give 'advice'- they don't. That's why what they do in their private lives is irrelevant ( but there is no way they ought to discuss that.) They are not supposed to disclose anything about themselves.

I'm not defending this counsellor out and out. What I am saying is that the tone of her voice and how she said things can make a huge difference. we aren't party to that. I agree with you that the OP ought not to discuss anything she isn't ready to. But at the same time, if she's gone for help, which she has, then she ought to ask herself why she isn't able to open up. Is it a matter of time? Or what?

The counsellor is possibly right in saying unless that issue is discussed, progress will be limited. If she said it kindly and gently, that is very different from saying' I can't carry on counselling you'. In which case I'd have walked and not come back.

Miscellaneous
Just want to give you and a huge hug.

If anyone should ever doubt why counsellors should be regulated and monitored, your story says why.

This thread is a real eye-opener.

I presume that this woman isn't a psychologist, OP. The conclusions she seems to have made regarding your 'Daddy issues' and not trusting your husband because of a previous assault sound like they're way beyond her remit. Counsellors don't get to just make assumptions about YOUR life. I understand the 'authoritative' statements thing might have been helpful if addressed as part of a discussion about communication issues and not using 'blaming' language, but again, her using this as a way to allocate blame to you is wildly inappropriate.

She sounds like a shit counsellor on a bit of a power trip. To be charitable, you could say that you have no trust in her and you're therefore a bad match. But really, she sounds dangerous, meddling with issues she isn't qualified to deal with and that she hasn't been invited to deal with. It's your life. You don't have to discuss ANYTHING against your will.

It's inappropriate for her to push you on the sexual assault issue imo.
You don't have to see her again, I wouldn't.
I do think that stating someone "should put their marriage first" can sound authoritative and off-putting. But what are you supposed to do or say when your husband is engaged in a relationship with someone else that crosses intimate boundaries and hurts you as a result?
He is your husband. He should put you first Ffs! That's why we make a bloody show of ourselves and make vows like "forsaking all others" in front of our family and friends.
She is upsetting you, don't bother with her again.
Your dh? I don't know.

Find somebody else, this one just doesn't suit and that's ok not everyone does

I presume that this woman isn't a psychologist, OP.

Ark There are very few counsellors who are psychologists. A psychologist is totally different. I know loads of people with a degree in psychology- mainly my DCs 20+ yr old friends! But they aren't counsellors.

You don't become a counsellor by having a psychology degree. (though you might have one and then train in psychotherapy.)

Many counsellors have a degree in psychotherapy and then they train alongside that. They also have to undergo counselling themselves as part of the training.

OvertheHill, my point was that, if you went to a GP with trauma, they would refer you to a psychologist. Marriage counselling is obviously very different. I would consider the first to be qualified to deal with traumatic psychological issues, the second not.

The CPCAB are purely examiners

No, they're the body that devised the Relate training in conjunction with Relate. If the training isn't adequate, and if counsellors are going way beyond their remit they need to know.

Relate won't listen because many of their counsellors are a bit crap, they'd have to do something reallly extraordinary for Relate to take action.

It's true that silence is used in therapy - to let the client have the space to talk at length if they want - or to say something apparently unrelated. But when therapists use silence the way this one does - it's more like a power play and a control tool. I've personally experienced it and I run a mile from therapists who do this.

I don't go along with this 'Relate' bashing. They are trained counsellors - some will be good, others not so good, like anyone doing any job

Relate training is 15 days per year for 3 years.

Full training as a psychotherapist requires a degree + a further 7 years training.

Full training as a clinical psychologist requires a psychology degree + masters + doctorate + training.

Counsellors and therapists are different with different qualifications.

When we needed a joint therapy I was very lucky to get a recommendation via a professional who knew me fairly well to get what we needed.

The suggestion to find my own was to ring through the BCAP list and speak to them about what you both felt the issues were that you needed help with. See which ones you did/didn't "click" with.

OvertheHill, my point was that, if you went to a GP with trauma, they would refer you to a psychologist

They wouldn't.

OP I think it's OK to change counsellors. I can't see anything she has done wrong, but her approach clearly not working for you and thats OK.

Alice. I did. And they did.

But thanks for the correction.