To detest our marriage counsellor?

[Discobabe]

Apparently when I say my husband should/could have put our relationship first in certain situations, it's authoritative. Where did I learn those words? No one wants to be bossed around, if they are they might want to know why they should xyz. Am I seriously meant to spell out to my husband why our relationship should (oops, there I go again) come first?

If I disagree with anything she says we sit in long, stony silences until I speak again. I feel like I have words put in my mouth or I have to agree or i'll face the silence......We actually sat for about 5 mins in complete silence.

I've been sent away to think about my daddy issues, on a non cognitive level I have them because he worked away a lot when I was little and I must have missed him and felt neglected by him (hence why I react so strongly when I feel 'neglected' by my husband)....I was never close to my dad when I was little and didn't give a toss that he wasn't around often. Am I.supposed to pretend I was to fit the cliche?

Or am I just horrendously in denial about stuff?

All I can think.is if I had what I though was a fairly normal and good childhood and I'm as fucked up as I am, my kids stand no chance :(

[UpsiLondoes]

I would be uncomfortable with the scolding silences and I would challenge her on it. start with

"I feel X when i express my feelings and you don't respond and we sit in silence. It makes me feel manipulated and I don't think I can build any trust with you when you respond like to my feelings like that. What are you trying to achieve by it?"

Make her explain herself. Maybe she's trying to get you to open up and is just a tit about how she's trying to do that.

I've been to two - one was with partner, one alone. The one with partner was a disaster- I went along as "support" for what was actually my partners issue in how I could help him to work through it and the bloody councelor started on me as if I was the cause. Got really bloody defensive (issue was an old one, relationship was new so definitely nothing to do with me).

Partner went to counselling alone after that - worked much better.

[mogloveseggs]

Yanbu. Can you get a different counsellor?

[Italiangreyhound]

Lweji, silence is golden, but here it is being used as a kind of punishment or chastisement, IMHO, "If I disagree with anything she says we sit in long, stony silences until I speak again."

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I agree that all counsellors are different and some are better than others.

As they are fond of saying themselves, if something isn't working try something different!

I'd say it sounds like you've given her a reasonable chance to see if the counselling relationship and experience with her can be helpful to you, and it really doesn't seem to be working out that way?

Try asking the organisation if you could see another counsellor or try to find another one through a different channel?

[MrsSteptoe]

Also, I seem to be in the minority on this, judging by other responses, but I do think someone's relationship with her father can have a strong influence on later relationships, and that it shouldn't automatically be dismissed as 'psychobabble' or 'Daddy issues'. -

I don't think you're in the minority in thinking that, Babooshka, but I get the impression that posters are questioning the juxtaposition of marriage counselling with quite intense analysis of one partner. My limited exposure to marriage counselling led me to believe that it's much more about behavioural correction (sorry, that's a horrible phrase for a benign process), not about intense psychoanalysis of one of the parties.

[OTheHugeManatee]

You might want to change counsellor. It sounds like you don't like or trust her and she may be getting sucked into a not very healthy dynamic with you and your DH.

But you might also want to get some individual therapy. If I had a client tell me they didn't give a toss when their dad was often away I would mentally flag that as quite a defensive turn of phrase and probably something to explore, gently, once some trust had been built up.

[OTheHugeManatee]

As a footnote, I do also think it is not very appropriate for a relationship counsellor to be focusing on one individual's childhood issues while in the triad like this and with the other party looking on. If I were the OP I would feel picked on and defensive.

[herethereandeverywhere]

There is no way an ethical psychoanalyst would treat one partner in a counselling session like this - and I'd have thought any appropriate qualifications would have been disclosed when the OP described her 'marriage counsellor'.

Mrs Steptoe got it spot on.

[Discobabe]

Thanks for all the replies. I'll clarify a few things so you have a better picture.

I don't have an issue with awkward questions. I don't like them but I know they are necessary. I do have an issue with awkward silences, being stared at, when I'm clearly expected to say something and I don't have anything I want to share. Apparently she can see my emotions rising but I don't share what they are with her. Sometimes this is true and I acknowledge this, but sometimes it's not the case so I'm left really confused as to what I'm meant to do, I can't explain something I'm not feeling and if I say there's nothing in particular going on in that exact moment.....more silence.

I'm honestly not bothered about my dad. Apparently I mentioned it in a previous session (we saw her about 5 years ago, my husband told me we were seeing someone different this time, turns out he was wrong!) but I don't ever remember saying this. My dad worked a lot. I didn't feel neglected, he was doing what dads do and was an active part of my life when he wasn't working. My mum was always around and as long as she was there I was happy. I missed her when she went to work, does that mean I have mummy issues instead? My husband worked away a lot at one point, are my kids going to have daddy issues because he was hardly ever here for years?

In terms of putting the relationship first, an example is, there was a woman my dh was close friends with before we got together. She had zero respect for our relationship. Propositioned him after we got together, told mutual friends she could have him in the click of a finger if she wanted him, pulled out an ann summers catalogue and asked him what he thought she would look good in. It caused issues and eventually he cut her off. A few wks ago I found he'd linked with her on linked in. That is a situation where I feel our relationship should have come first. To me stuff like this is a given and I do expect him to 'mind read' it I suppose, is that wrong? I don't find it unreasonable to say he should have put our relationship first but I almost feel like I am wrong because I use the word should.

We discussed our marriage problems in a joint session and now we're having an individual session each with her, so I guess she wants to find out what's going on with each of us individually, then we'll go together again. I don't think she's trying to blame me for our problems but work out exactly where our issues are and which ones are marriage ones and which ones may be our own individual issues brought into the marriage, I guess. I.e. me apparently being pissed at my dads 'neglect' means I have a low tolerance for when I feel my husband neglects our relationship.

We both have our faults. We both need to change how we think/act/react to situations. I guess I'm more interested in finding a way to do that rather than figuring out why I supposedly have daddy issues etc etc. I mean how is asking me where I learnt the words should/could remotely helpful?

She also forced me to talk about a sexual assault. I didn't want to, but I was told we couldn't proceed with the marriage counselling if I didn't because I'd never have an open and trusting sexual relationship with my husband. I don't feel openess or trust are an issue in our sexual relationship. We haven't engaged in much recently due to the fact we obviously have been getting on well, but the assault was years ago and whilst it affected things initially it doesn't anymore and hasn't for quite some time. I'm upset I felt forced to talk about something I didn't want to. I knew she would ask but I assumed if I said I didn't want to discuss it that would be respected.

[springydaffs]

Jumping in to say you should (should!) get rid of her. She's fucking with your head.

As a pp said, a lot of counsellors can be very poorly qualified. See if she's a member of BACP (I doubt it). Find out what org she is affiliated to and make an 'observation'.

I repeat: she's fucking with your head. She's the one with all the power eh

[springydaffs]

People like her are DANGEROUS

[springydaffs]

People like her are DANGEROUS

[Teacaddy]

From your update, she sounds potentially dangerous. No qualified counsellor (is she affiliated/accredited to an official professional body?) should be trying to force the confidence of a client!

[fusionconfusion]

I've had a truckload of counselling/psychotherapy over the years, because my father is one - so in our house, going to a therapist was seen a bit like going to the dentist. You didn't even particularly need to have a major issue - it was seen as maintenance for anything arising (and we did have issues as well): a place to talk/think aloud and come up with your own solutions.

When I say truckload, I mean:
14 - Saw a counsellor about my father starting alcohol treatment. About four sessions. We mainly talked about kids at school.
19 Did group therapy sessions related to alcoholism in the family.
21 - Saw a student counsellor for general 21 year old ennui about where my life was going/what I should do next in life. - 4 sessions max
26 - Saw a counsellor for work stress in the NHS. About 4 sessions, came up with some strategies, moved along.
29 - Saw another counsellor when I realised my "work stress" was more related to sadness around getting married and my father not being well enough to attend. Maybe 6 sessions? Maybe 8 not sure.
34 - Psychotherapy in the context of ante/postnatal depression. Still really about my dad and grieving his loss. Tried three - about 6 sessions each with the first two but we didn't really click. 30 sessions with the NHS therapist in perinatal mh services over nearly two years.
38 - I see a psychotherapist now in the context of training in mental health as supervision.

Having had a broad range of therapy experiences - 10+ therapists (there were a variety in the group sessions) - I do think rapport matters a lot. However, when you're REALLY activated by a therapist and you can't quite put your finger on it (e.g. they're not actually saying anything objectively awful or unprofessional, like the therapist who spent session after session telling me a c-section would be the cure for my anxiety around birth but they just seem to get under your skin) , that sort of aversion often has something to tell you about why you're there in the first place.

I think if you can really lean into it and open up to it for a few weeks, really examine what annoys you most about the experience, it can be useful. Obviously if having done that you find you just don't click, moving on to someone else might be a plan.

[fusionconfusion]

Well that was an X post and a half.

Her approach with the sexual assault is just not okay. Get rid.

[corythatwas]

I would get rid of her. That last bit about the sexual assault is ringing warning bells.

I would then consider how to get the most out of the next counsellor. As somebody who has done family therapy, I found a lot of its effectiveness was about how dh and I phrased our problems. Basically if you say: "he should do x, it is self evident that I am right", you are never going to get any profitable discussion going, because you are signalling that all you want is validation. You may be perfectly right about the actual question, but it's not going to get you any further.

[OTheHugeManatee]

She doesn't sound great. Is she UKCP
Or BACP registered? What qualifications does she have?

There are a lot of cowboy shrinks out there.

[Duckdeamon]

Is she a qualified member of BACP? If not and given your experience would suggest cancelling the sessions with her and finding someone new from BACP, who has info on their website about what "models" of counselling they use.

YWNU to expect your H to have no contact with a woman he had previously acted inappropriately with, and not to have to spell out the reasons his contacting her was unacceptable: that's about his fidelity and respect for you and has nothing to do with any "daddy issues" you might (or might not) have!

[wallywobbles]

I have a brilliant psychiatrist. I said my rape as a kid was not on the table. He said fine. You are there to discuss your stuff in order to get from point A to point B, not to be psychoanalyzed. Is she hoping you'll be a forever client?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

That doesn't sound good to me at all Disco, I'd say you should always be able to talk about things when you are ready to and not be pressurised into doing so, especially in front of someone else.
I'm sorry for your past experiences too.

Picking up on something else I'd just say our parents are such a huge part of our formative years and beyond that I'd say pretty much everyone will have some of both "daddy and mummy issues". It sounds a bit odd to me that you're describing them that way? IYSWIM

I guess our DC will inevitably have some issues from their upbringing too, they'll just be a different, unique set of issues from our own ones?!

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

I think that when done badly and crudely relationship counselling falls into a trap where the assumption is made that each individual issue is always a case of "6 of one, half a dozen of the other". This is reasonable when it's like "I hate that the bedroom is always too hot" from one and "I hate that the bedroom is always too cold" from the other - same bedroom, two radically different POVs that come from who you are as people, hearing the other side can help.

Where it falls down is where everything is challenged on the "ah but it's only too hot for you" principle. And then you are challenged and hectored about why you think the bedroom should always unheated and have the window open. Some things just aren't like that. It is only stupid people who think they are geniuses for coming up with this sort of "aha" challenge in every single scenario.

get rid of this counsellor.

What next?

"he hit me" "so?" "well that's not ok for me, loving relationships do not involve being hit" "why are you so dogmatic about what loving relationships are? What gave you this authority to define love? Why are you so inflexible about being hit?" this is obviously extreme but sometimes this is the way they are going

[Discobabe]

I told her the long silences make me very uncomfortable because she's clearly waiting for me to say more when I have nothing further to share. I just end up sitting there thinking, wow, this is uncomfortable! She told me she doesn't find them uncomfortable. They continued.

I didn't tell her I didn't give a toss about my dad. I said it never bothered me. I'm defensively saying I don't give a toss now because I feel her opinion has been forced on me.

Neither my husband or I particularly liked her last time but persevered thinking we just didn't like the awkward questions, work etc which of course will happen with any counsellor. He told me it was someone different this time but as I say, it turned out he was wrong but we didn't know until the first session. My session was the second one and I thought we could try her again but I don't feel I want to go back. I don't find her easy to talk too and I get the impression that unless I'm blubbing all over her office then I'm not letting her in/my emotions out. I think we'll try someone else. Thank you for all the objective advice x

[MajesticWhine]

I've had truckloads of therapy too, with many counsellors / therapists some good, some bad, and including 2 different relationship counsellors (we hated both of them). Therapists can be really annoying and I tend to think when a therapist rattles you, it sometimes means you are getting somewhere, i.e. they have hit on something, so the therapy could be useful. To be honest it's hard to say here whether you should ditch this therapist or not, based on the information given. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying your H should put the relationship first. I think that's pretty clear and I don't get what her issue is with it or why it matters where you learnt those words. However, looking at it the other way, why does it bother you so much that she said that? That's interesting too. Without knowing you and knowing how the whole picture looks, it is impossible to judge. "Forcing" you to talk about the sexual assault does sound out of order. If you don't want to think about daddy issues etc and go into the past, then perhaps a cognitive-behavioural approach is more the thing for you. It's more practical and less about exploring the past, although even then it is always important to think about what your family taught you about relationships. CBT for couples is around, although unfortunately there are not that many properly qualified people AFAIK.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Her response to your feedback about how you were finding the silences doesn't sound that helpful either.
And the silences themselves - could be OK in some situations, but also could be an awkward waste of time!

[springydaffs]

Im sorry you've had such a poor experience. Actually, damaging experience.

She is controlling you with the silences. I have had a lot of therapy and 5 minutes of silence is just one thing: she is using it to control you.

You need to report her. I appreciate you have a lot on your plate but do try to find out the org she is affiliated to and let them know what has happened. Contact BACP to see how you can make known how this 'therapist' practises.

It sounds like she's done a little dot of training and is lording it over her poor clients. She needs to be stopped.