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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest our marriage counsellor?

155 replies

Discobabe · 14/04/2016 08:29

Apparently when I say my husband should/could have put our relationship first in certain situations, it's authoritative. Where did I learn those words? No one wants to be bossed around, if they are they might want to know why they should xyz. Am I seriously meant to spell out to my husband why our relationship should (oops, there I go again) come first?

If I disagree with anything she says we sit in long, stony silences until I speak again. I feel like I have words put in my mouth or I have to agree or i'll face the silence......We actually sat for about 5 mins in complete silence.

I've been sent away to think about my daddy issues, on a non cognitive level I have them because he worked away a lot when I was little and I must have missed him and felt neglected by him (hence why I react so strongly when I feel 'neglected' by my husband)....I was never close to my dad when I was little and didn't give a toss that he wasn't around often. Am I.supposed to pretend I was to fit the cliche?

Or am I just horrendously in denial about stuff?

All I can think.is if I had what I though was a fairly normal and good childhood and I'm as fucked up as I am, my kids stand no chance :(

OP posts:
EnthusiasmDisturbed · 14/04/2016 15:56

I think you should either take a break from counselling or find someone else

Often very difficult feelings come up during therapy, it's not unusual to really dislike your therapist or feel angry with them and uncomfortable silences are sometimes part of the work

But when you feel you are being undermined and being told how you should feel by they therapist (their words not them reflecting your words back) it is not part of the work.

Relationship counselling is even more complex than one to one counselling. One partner feeling the counsellor takes sides is going to come up often or that they are not being listened to. It takes a very experienced therapist and one who is comfortable in dealing with the complexities of couple counselling to handle the situation

If you look for another therapist look to see how long they have been working as a couples therapist

Unfortunately because the profession isn't regulated as well as it should be there are too many trainee therapists working in situations that are too complex for them and some just have not had enough training and experienced enough good personal therapy to recognise what is their issue and what is the client/s

And of course counsellors have had their own issues who hasn't Smile but with thorough training you work on yours before you work with clients so you can recognise what is you issues and what is theirs

springydaffs · 14/04/2016 20:44

it's not unusual to really dislike your therapist or feel angry with them and uncomfortable silences are sometimes part of the work

Yes, within a TOTALLY SAFE environment/relationship - established over time.

She is using these techniques to control you. Major no-no

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/04/2016 21:20

I can't see myself continuing with counselling with a therapist I didn't like. Thinking life's too short for that, and I'm not convinced it would be very effective as to me how would there be a therapeutic rapport?
Of course you wouldn't necessarily agree with everything they said or challenged you about, but generally I think there should be an underlying warmth, positive regard both ways?

Ladybirdbookworm · 14/04/2016 23:32
Flowers I feel for you OP I went with my DH for marriage guidance and I hated it !!! She sided with my DH so much that in the end he started defending me to her !!!!! We got through our rough patch eventually no thanks to her Good luck
timelytess · 14/04/2016 23:39

My ex had an informal conversation with a marriage guidance counsellor then called round to tell me how badly I'd got it wrong in our marriage. Thankfully, we'd already split up by then and I didn't have to take any notice.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 14/04/2016 23:45

It's part of the therapeutic process for some it may not be for you personally but for a client to project their anger, dislike of someone else (or even themselves) on to their therapist is often what happens

It's not always a warm relationship that is not for everyone that is not want some want from their therapy but it should always be one where the client felt their was trust enough to express their feelings (that for some comes over time) and that they are not being judged

springydaffs · 14/04/2016 23:56

yes yes to all that, Enthusiasm - absolutely. But within a relationship of trust, as you say.

There is no trust here. Largely because the therapist is not trustworthy.

Original poster
Discobabe · 15/04/2016 00:03

I checked and she is not a member of bcap or ukcp.

OP posts:
herethereandeverywhere · 15/04/2016 00:13

she is not a member of bcap or ukcp

the most unsurprising post ever. Please dump her, express your concerns to Relate and find a better, qualified one.

It's not you, it's her

Bogeyface · 15/04/2016 00:24

I had a marriage counsellor in my first marriage that clearly fancied herself as a psychologist. She had no qualifications except Relate training and yet kept bringing up "issues" that she had clearly read about, such as Daddy issues for me, Mummy issues for ex, it went on and on. We managed three sessions before we agreed that it was a total waste of time and money. I complained about her and got precisely nowhere. I wouldnt recommend Relate at all. Properly qualified and trained independent counsellors cost about the same and are much better (usually).

Twinklestein · 15/04/2016 00:28

To become a Relate counsellor, if you already have a degree but no counselling training, you do one year of 10 weekends to get your Level 3 qualification. Thereafter you can practise but most people go on to do Level 4 and 5 which afaik require another 2 years 10 weekends or 15 days in total per year. They are CPCAB accredited.

You have to ask yourself whether that is really sufficient training.

I have never heard of a psychotherapist forcing someone to talk about a sexual assault, particularly with someone else present.

This women sounds like she hasnt the remotest idea what she's doing.

RubbleBubble00 · 15/04/2016 00:47

We had separate counsellors which really helped as we talked through our own feelings for 6 sessions then we were brought together.

RonaldMcDonald · 15/04/2016 00:57

Report her.

MrsMulward · 15/04/2016 09:52

It sounds like the space now feels very unsafe for you. I agree that it's not always nor shouldn't always be a comfortable place- but you need to feel your counsellor with working with you on some level, even when being challenging. Insisting you talk about a sexual assault puts you in danger of retraumatisation and makes the space dangerous for you. I might think about bringing your concerns to the counsellor but I think that might provoke more punishing silences/attacks. Maybe some individual therapy might be useful to process this experience. Maybe some of the points raised could do with further thinking with someone you feel safe with.

MeridianB · 15/04/2016 12:14

Totally agree with everyone here who says stop seeing her and find someone else. Also agree that you should report her to Relate.

So many unpleasant warning bells with this woman. It's almost like she is using you for kicks or to practice something she is not qualified to do - at your expense (in so many ways).

herstoryyes · 15/04/2016 13:34

YY to everything already said.

Please find someone registered and if you can please report her. Your experiences with her are awful and just think what damage she could do to someone more vulnerable if she forced them to talk about distressing experiences. It's terrible and she shouldn't be working with people with so little training and understanding.

springydaffs · 15/04/2016 17:19

I would still get in touch with eg BACP to ask for advice on how you can officially flag up what this woman is doing. If enough complaints get through then this should trigger some kind of enquiry..

SHOULD!

Sadly, those who get to therapy are pretty beleaguered by that stage and don't have the energy to make a complaint (plus afraid they are going to be tied in knots by clever psychological shite as a defence).

Fourormore · 15/04/2016 17:54

The BACP aren't going to investigate someone who isn't a member.

Trauma is not a standard part of counselling/psychotherapy training. Shocking but true. Relate counsellors only need 80 hours to "qualify" - UKCP need 450. I wouldn't touch Relate with a barge pole.

Ladybirdbookworm · 15/04/2016 18:17

Four that's interesting to know

springydaffs · 15/04/2016 18:28

No they can't, four, but they can give advice about how to go about making a complaint further up the line - they're in the business and know how it can be effectively addressed. Relate are answerable to a higher body, I assume? I hope! This sort of thing is crying out to be more tightly regulated - and orgs like BACP would heartily agree with that, as quacks like this give therapy a bad name.

MPs are always looking for A Cause and, following advice from relevant authorities (eg BACP), I'd also definitely consider making your experiences known to your MP.

More of us need to be doing this. How many people have experienced something like this and felt powerless to do anything about it? It's unacceptable.

We have colour-coded nutritional advice on food and yet these appalling people can run amok in our lives. It has to stop.

ilovesooty · 15/04/2016 18:46

I've attended training with Relate counsellors. I was mostly very unimpressed.

OvertheHillandFar · 15/04/2016 18:58

Op I think this is very tricky. Basically, counselling is voluntary so if it's not working, find someone else.

You are telling us how you feel but in her defence the counsellor may see it all very differently.

Relate has their own training scheme. I have seen a Relate trained counsellor and another counsellor who wasn't trained by them. I didn't see a huge difference although the Relate one seemed to have a standard way of working through 6 sessions. Relate counsellors may or may not be registered BACP.

Silences are part of counselling. I know this as I have 3 close friends / colleagues who are BACP counsellors with Masters in psychotherapy. They create a 'space' for you to fill when they stop talking. It's a technique used in counselling. Having said that 5 minutes is a long silence.

She can't force you to talk about issues. You may find it hard to do so, and she may have said it would help you to talk about events in the past or moving forward but be harder- but that's not the same as saying she can't carry on working with you if you don't talk about events. This is why we don't know exactly what was said and the nuances of language can change the whole situation.

I also know that counsellors do 'judge' their clients by the way they respond to them - ie a person who is angry or in denial is (supposedly) often angry and in denial with the counsellor.

I don't think you ought to continue with her if she's not your cup of tea, but at the same time maybe look at your reactions to her and see if they mirror the behaviour you are asking for help with. Just a thought.

OvertheHillandFar · 15/04/2016 19:04

Springy I don't think that's the right way forward- ie BACP. If Relate trained the counsellor, the conversation has to be with Relate.
And it would be nigh impossible to prove anything.
It's the counsellor's word and interpretation against the client's.

I expect you know that all counsellors have to have supervision as part of their on- going work. If this counsellor isn't then that's an issue to discuss with Relate.

It's not really possible for us to judge on the basis of anon posts on a forum. The OP may be a lying and utter cow who is in denial, wants to cause trouble, isn't enjoying a challenging experience,...blah blah.

She's not of course - talking theoretically- but just saying we don't know both sides.

springydaffs · 15/04/2016 19:20

PPs have said they fed back to Relate - and got nowhere.

I suggested asking advice from eg BACP because who else are you going to ask for advice - the milkman? BACP know the ropes better than we do - how it works, how orgs are structured, what we can reasonably expect, general ethical guidelines etc.

You may want to have a look at this page and associated links, op.

Twinklestein · 15/04/2016 19:44

As I said upthread Relate counsellors are CPCAB accredited, so if you want to report her to anyone take it up with them.