To detest our marriage counsellor?

[Discobabe]

Apparently when I say my husband should/could have put our relationship first in certain situations, it's authoritative. Where did I learn those words? No one wants to be bossed around, if they are they might want to know why they should xyz. Am I seriously meant to spell out to my husband why our relationship should (oops, there I go again) come first?

If I disagree with anything she says we sit in long, stony silences until I speak again. I feel like I have words put in my mouth or I have to agree or i'll face the silence......We actually sat for about 5 mins in complete silence.

I've been sent away to think about my daddy issues, on a non cognitive level I have them because he worked away a lot when I was little and I must have missed him and felt neglected by him (hence why I react so strongly when I feel 'neglected' by my husband)....I was never close to my dad when I was little and didn't give a toss that he wasn't around often. Am I.supposed to pretend I was to fit the cliche?

Or am I just horrendously in denial about stuff?

All I can think.is if I had what I though was a fairly normal and good childhood and I'm as fucked up as I am, my kids stand no chance :(

[ClopySow]

I had some really long silences with a counsellor i really liked. She didn't stare at me or expect me to fill it. They were usually quite contemplative.

I saw a fucking awful relationship counsellor 15 years ago. She bought my ex's side of the story in week 1. It was so confusing for me as a professional was telling me the unreasonable prick was right and the problems were all me. You could see the realisation dawning on her as the weeks wore on and she got off my case and on his. He wouldn't go back. It was a very damaging experience. We got to deal with my wrongdoings, but not his.

The fact that she forced you to talk about a sexual assault is all kinds of fucked up.

So yes, you get shitty counsellors who make it all about their expectations. Dump her, find a new on that you both warm to.

[Lweji]

With more information, I agree that it's probably a good idea to switch counsellors. Preferably someone with proper training and qualifications.
But, you may need to check what school they belong to. Different methods may work differently for you and for the issue at hand.
I'd probably go for transactional analysis for communication problems, CBT for more individual issues (note: not an expert). Perhaps ask someone who knows about psychology what would be more appropriate for your case, and for recommendations.
Certainly don't go for what your husband chooses, if that was the case. Be an active part in choosing the counsellor.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I do think you need to have trust with any counsellor. I am also a bit concerned that she is trying to explore personal things for you such as your relationship with your father and the sexual assault in front of your DH. These may be better addressed in a session with only you present.

However counselling can be challenging and hard. The benefit can only occur if you are able to take a step out of yourself and review how an outsider is seeing what you are saying. So yes, there may be some denial going on.

When I had joint counselling with my DH he found it very hard indeed and he still feels she was 'on my side'. However where it really helped us was in the language we use to each other. For instance we can talk about how the other makes us feel when they say x rather than being confrontational.

I actually agree that saying someone should or could is a bit controlling. Saying you feel that they should is a much better way of expressing it. I guess she is trying to use the silences for you to reflect on what you have just said, perhaps you need to think why those silences feel so uncomfortable, what is you are expecting - validation of what you have just said or questioning of what you have said? Or do your proceeding comments actually shut the conversation down?

[Discobabe]

She works for Relate. I assumed they were qualified to a decent level?

I think I have issues with the whole should/could thing because I feel as though I'm to blame. If I say my dh should have put our relationship first I'm being bossy and authoritative. No one likes being told what to do, so if he then doesn't do it it's partly my fault for trying to tell him what to do instead of giving him a choice. She didn't directly say that, but that's what I've taken from the conversation. Which would be fine if I said you should get a hair cut, or you should cut the grass this weekend but not fine when it's a case of you should have had the foresight not to link in with a woman who caused issues in our relationship (imo).

[angielou123]

It might help to see separate councillors for a while, just so you can get your point across without hurting the others feelings. When you have it straight in your own mind, then go together. It sounds like you are not getting a fair hearing from your current counsellor. As above, many of them have no actual experience, it's just one persons opinion.

[fusionconfusion]

A thought I have about this is, is it really a problem to be "authoritative"? If so, why? Is there a gendered element to this? If you were saying "aggressive", that would be different - but that's not what's coming across?

[Lweji]

Many people on MN have complained about Relate counsellors. Mostly where there was abuse, but it shows that it can certainly be hit and miss.

The should part is that it depends on each person's boundaries. Some people might have been ok with what your OH did. Others wouldn't. You didn't.
It is a good exercise to start saying what you feel rather than what should happen in theory.

For example, in this case, ok to tell your OH that you are not happy that he linked up with her considering the background and that you feel sad/not cared for/not respected.
Then, his reaction would be key. Would he come to his senses and sort it out and keep at arms length anyone who could be an open threat to your relationship, or would he come up with excuses and maintain those links and blur boundaries?
There is no right or wrong. It depends on what you are prepared to accept and what he is prepared to accept. And then if you can reach a middle ground or not.

[SilverBirchWithout]

Disco maybe if you expressed it as 'it made me feel that you were not considering our relationship a priority when you linked in with that woman, it damaged my trust' and 'I feel uncomfortable that you were unable to see that without me telling you' is a less controlling way of expressing your viewpoint.

The way we express things can make a big difference and is more likely to make others see things from your point of view.

[RhombusRiley]

This is not on OP and you can just stop seeing her and try with someone else.

I really DO have a list of issues as long as your arm (childhood sexual abuse for one - I find the term "daddy issues" revolting and upsetting but if anyone has them, I do) and I've never been treated like that by a counsellor (including when we went to couples counselling). On the contrary a good counsellor should know that any issues you may have cannot be forced out, you must take your time. Also that heaping all the "blame" and pressure onto one partner and identifying the problem as "their issues" is massively unhelpful. With our situation, some might say that a major problem did come from DP (a compulsive behaviour) but she was very careful to talk about how it caused an issue between us, and include looking at how I reacted, not just focus on him.

A good relationship counsellor IMO helps you understand what effect you are having on each other and what you really want.

We are probably going to separate and with that in mind we've been seeing counsellors separately which I can also really recommend as PPs have said.

[SolidGoldBrass]

She sounds an absolute twat. And I don't have a lot of time for the idea that counselling should& make you feel like shit or it isn't working: it's hardly an exact science in the first place, and undoubtedly riddled with fuckwits who simply enjoy telling other people off and making them cry because it feeds their own egos.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Also generally I think counsellors could be more gentle in introducing ideas ... for example on the should/could thing they could say something like "In counselling we often suggest that it can be helpful to own our own experience and to speak about how we feel others behaviour is affecting our own feelings and behaviour, rather than using ideas like "He should do X, he shouldn't do Y"
Then to say something like "How would you feel about trying to frame things in that kind of way?" "Do you think you could tell us both more about how you feel when DP does X?"

These are just my initial ideas, I've had some experience of counselling on both "sides" (trained as a psychi nurse) but not a huge amount specifically on counselling. Like PP's I've seen a few counsellors too over the yrs for different things. They do vary quite a bit that's for sure. And everyone says having a good relationship with your counsellor is absolutely key to getting anywhere with it all.

[ouryve]

Sounds like she's read al the bullshit manuals.

Dump her.

[springydaffs]

A good (proper) counsellor has had years and years of training. And has had therapy themselves - years of it - as part of their extensive training.

You have said you are uncomfortable with the silences - she said she isn't! IT'S NOT ABOUT HER.

She is a quack and she is DANGEROUS. (bears repeating)

[Duckdeamon]

No, Relate counsellors are not necessarily highly qualified.

[BipBippadotta]

Oooh, I hate the phrase 'I / we / the relationship should come first'. Really gets my hackles up and does make me feel dictated-to and claustrophobic.

I would want to know why I should put the relationship first (particularly if we're not getting along) - and I'd certainly want to know what it means to 'come first'. First before what? Before everything in the world? Before children? Before aged parents? Always, with no exceptions?

It could suggest anything from 'if I've been seriously injured I expect you to drop what you're doing and take me to the hospital' to 'I expect you to cut ties with your family and friends and make me the sole focus of your life.'

It might just be hard for someone to understand quite what you are asking of them.

But that's beside the point. If you detest your counsellor further counselling with her is unlikely to be helpful. I don't think it will be helpful to report her. She's done nothing unethical, she's just been a pretty standard psychodynamic therapist. It's a particular way of working. I can't stand it myself. Good luck!

[ameliaesmith]

Change your counsellor, sending HUGS x

[ouryve]

Your husband has chosen the therapist, after making contact with someone who historically has inappropriate boundaries with him?

Your turn to choose the therapist.

[EasyToEatTiger]

This councellor sounds like one I saw with my husband. She was ***ing awful, awful, awful. I really hope she is no longer working. I have never been so close to walking out. Had I done so, she would have spent the rest of the session with my husband agreeing, that oh yes, I have anger issues bla bla. It has since transpired that my husband has a filthy temper, sulks for Britain and is really not very nice to me. I really feel for you. Your councellor should not be let out. You mentioned she is part of relate. Complain to the top. Her behaviour has been inappropriate and damaging.

[HidingUnderARock]

Not all counsellors are created equal. Some have their own issues, some have little training, or both.
Many many relationship counsellors are trainees. It is a common place to start training.

I have visited a few counsellors both alone and with partners. More than half were more damaging than helpful. It is not at all unusual, and you owe them nothing if they are not helping you for whatever reason.

On the other hand there are some really great ones out there, and it is worth keeping trying until you find one you are both comfortable with. Good counsellors do exist. Please don't give up on finding one.

[BarkGruffalo]

You need to change counsellor, and you need to complain about this one. Forcing you to talk about a sexual assault is not ok.

FWIW I've had a fair amount of counselling with different people, good and bad, and your one is off the scale. She is going to cause damage to you if you continue seeing her.

[BillSykesDog]

She sounds like she is taking a 'behavioural' approach to counselling and looking at the way you are behaving as linked to issues in your past, childhood, the assault etc.

I personally agree with you because I think this sort of counsellor for relationship issues is often counterproductive and and sometimes destructive and can look for links where there are none.

You might be happier finding a counsellor who takes a more 'humanistic' approach which is more based on current problems, working through them and finding solutions, rather than psychobabble about it all being about Daddy.

And she sounds like a dick anyway.

[BipBippadotta]

Whoops - I missed a page and the OP's update. Please ignore my completely glib & insensitive previous post. OP and best of luck in finding a therapist you both feel comfortable with.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

You need to change councellors. And do put in a complaint regarding her attitude towards your sexual assault; you should never - EVER - be railroaded into 'having' to talk about something, with the threat of things not continuing if you don't. That's disgusting.

[springydaffs]

It's not just 'disgusting'! It is a very, very serious issue.

I know I'm ranting here but I am incensed people are subjected to these extremely damaging 'therapists'. You need to report this woman to every authority there is. It is not acceptable that people like this can cut a swathe of damage through peoples lives. It is an abuse of power and very serious.

As a pp said 'I hope she is no longer practising' - if we don't speak up then the chances are these dreadful, damaging people do indeed continue to practise.

[ilovesooty]

I'm a counsellor and I think you should ditch her. Report her as well if you feel you can.