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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 12/04/2016 15:22

Another adding to ten chorus of good luck. I hope it went as well as it could.

tellyjots · 12/04/2016 15:39

What a miserable git she is, you should definitely report. Sounds as if she has previous if she is worried about you reporting her.

Please don't allow this to affect your confidence at work, this says way more about her than it does about you.

And break all non work related chat with her. People that behave like dicks don't deserve to have any friends.

MadamDeathstare · 12/04/2016 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9here · 12/04/2016 16:04

wow!

I hope you are reporting her and it goes well

it's clearly a major level of horrible you're dealing with here, so just a heads up of something that happened to me. I was bullied one evening - late but with a few witnesses.

I was on late the next day and planned to report as soon as I got in. It was a very unprofessional place, and actually what had happened was a witness had got in before me and reported it - and the manager had denied everything. So some idiot person called me into the same room and said " so and so has said Lucy shouted at you last night saying xyz and Lucy here is denying it and saying to just ask you and back up her version".

Of course I said "Er, no, Lucy you totally yelled at me last night for no reason".

Lucy then went into "it's all a misunderstanding" mode and apparently me and the witnesses had all totally misunderstood but she wanted to apologise if she had spoken harshly.

so yes....just telling you that in case you find yourself in a similar parallel universe. There's no end to these where workplace politics is concerned, especially with the bullies.

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 17:25

Keeping everything crossed for you today

sykadelic · 12/04/2016 17:26

Hope you reported it OP and how you're doing better!

FWIW I would have totally reported it too because you know, just as others have said, that should would have instead tried to make YOU look like the bad one in some way to attempt to get in front of it.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/04/2016 17:33

As a high end boss i would not be interested in the he said she said

Do you ignore racial and sexual bullying too ?
That's usually "he said, she said" too

Your employer will end up paying whopping damages and have a trashed public image if they really let you do your "high end bossing"

acatcalledjohn · 12/04/2016 18:03

Last night she said "please tell me if you're going to report me so I can prepare myself".

This is a new level of behaving out of line. Incredibly unprofessional. It's not like she ever gave you the chance to 'prepare' for her outbursts in public Shock. That's a cardinal sin in management.

I once had a manager who was a bully. No matter how hard you worked, there was always something not good enough. One day it was decided they would promote two staff to senior positions, to relieve some pressure on the team leaders. The two people in the final stage had to go through a ridiculously complex interview (presentation, totally unnecessary for the role). When they finally made the decision (neither got the role) they were told face to face. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for one of the candidates. When they were told no, they just lost it. Told the manager she was a bully, that she would never want to work for her anyway, no one likes her, people are scared of her, etc etc.

This manager took this to heart of course and she then took every single person on the team in to an office and asked them if they agreed with those views Shock. I said that, yes, she did have a way at times and yes, some people are scared. This then resulted in a 'problems in relationship' type excuses. I simply told her that that was all good and well, I was sorry to hear that this was the case, but that it should not be affecting her at work.

You really ought to put an official complaint in about her behaviour and pleas to not report. And if they don't deal with it, get your GP to sign you off with work related stress, because this sort of attitude from your manager is bound to cause just that if this is not dealt with. It's not normal you spent your evening crying about the whole situation. It means it's affecting you emotionally and that's the very moment you've got to say 'stop' and put yourself first.

Figmentofmyimagination · 12/04/2016 18:17

She's manipulating you by using your 'friendship' to put emotional pressure on you not to report. That, in and of itself, is another form of bullying.

QOD · 12/04/2016 18:29

Someone has to report her. Why not you

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 18:50

How was today OP? Did you go ahead and report?

whatsmyusername · 12/04/2016 18:56

Ok wow, it was 1 am and my DD is ill my choice of words may of not been the best! However all of the posters that have reacted so childishly and they come accross as of a bullying nature in themsleves!

My advise if you read both of my posts was to treat it with caution and professionally. Going in all guns blazing is unlikely to get the OP anywhere. The managers will want facts not the "he said she said" is correct. There have been some great advise given on the posts but there is 2 sides to every story. Im no doubt the OP has been treated badly and her supervisor is a bully, but the post suggests she has worked in that company for 20 years and she has a higher grading etc. If she does have mental health issues they will be taken into concideration. Noone knows thw full story or the full history. I just wouldnt want the OP to go in and do something she will regret in an emotional state.

OP take the advise to make notes and keep a record of what happens and speak to somone you can trust in personal life and at work. Im sure whatever you do will be the best for you.

Only1scoop · 12/04/2016 19:06

It's 'advice'

There 'are' two sides to every story.

Op, you come across as a professional and I feel that you'll have delivered your account of said behaviours extremely thoroughly.

There is no 'he said, she said' here.

Hope you are ok Thanks

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 19:12

I never got the impression that OP would go in all guns blazing. She just needs to be honest and give a detailed account

whatsmyusername · 12/04/2016 19:23

OP was clearly very emotional yesterday (which is understandable) applying for new jobs etc. Its a massive thing for her to cope with. I dont see there is anything wrong with a clear professional approach to the situation. No one here knows the OP or her personal situation or how she would react to advise given. I was just trying to be clear that yes it needs to be reported but as professionally and calmly as possible (which it sounds like she is being). Its obviously hard when its personal and the other person appears to be such a psyco calling at home etc (we dont know their personal relationship) but that is my advise.

Only1scoop · 12/04/2016 19:25

It's 'advice'

Not advise

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 19:29

Username So now you say "My advise if you read both of my posts was to treat it with caution and professionally"

When you actually said in your earlier post was

It really depends how you see yourself in the co in a few years. You dont want the boss's to think you are difficult

That last comment is awful. No one is clear what a 'high end boss' is, but if you are in charge of anyone in a work environment, and that's how you view people who need help with a bullying incident or similar, then you're in need of some retraining as a matter of urgency.

HostaFireandIce · 12/04/2016 19:33

Also, in the case of verbal bullying, it kind of has to be a 'she said'situation because that's the whole point!

Pepperpot99 · 12/04/2016 19:37

I hope being a 'high end boss' does not entail any important written communication as your spelling and grammar are , let's be frank whatsmyusername, not very accomplished. Wink.

Pepperpot99 · 12/04/2016 19:37

'Advise' - verb
'Advice' - noun.

HostaFireandIce · 12/04/2016 19:41

(Irrelevant handy hint: Pepperpot's point above can also be used to distinguish between practice and practise. Even though you can't hear the difference as you can with advice/advise, the same thing applies: Practise = verb, practice = noun.)

whatsmyusername · 12/04/2016 19:41

Ok so it doesn't matter what I say you are clearly all better at giving 'advise'!! Good luck in your careers! [Hmm]

OP, Im sure whatever desision you will make will be the right one. If you have someone close you can discuss it with I would recommend you do. It really doesnt matter what I or any other poster says, its your life I would not want to dictate to you like others do on here they do not know you and most tbh dont care.

Good luck

Only1scoop · 12/04/2016 19:44

It's 'decision'

wizzler · 12/04/2016 19:45

Hope you are ok today OP... Often it is making the decision which is hard, once you have decided on a course of action, I am sure your stress levels will fall.

You know this kind of behaviour is unacceptable, in particular the phone call toy you at home . Best of luck in whatever you decide to do next.

eatyouwithaspoon · 12/04/2016 19:55

Crikey I hope you did report, what a horrid situation