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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
LastFirstEverything · 12/04/2016 10:27

I've been looking at the bullyonline.org site OP. It's brilliant, and has loads of case studies/ accounts of similar experiences to yours and mine, and so many others. Really worth a look at if you can, to gain some inspiration from. You are definitely not alone! Best of luck today. x

Pepperpot99 · 12/04/2016 10:28

Good luck OP - keep us posted Smile

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 12/04/2016 10:29

Good luck OP! Ignore the horrible bitch and report her.

Amammi · 12/04/2016 10:32

It's possible one of the other staff will report her. I suggest this could look bad for you if you don't speak up at this point - it's too public to ignore now.

Potatoface2 · 12/04/2016 10:35

get everyone who was there to make a group complaint.....she will start on some one else after shes finished with you....shes very manipulative.......if shes using the excuse of depression to bully people thats out of order....she sounds jealous of you!

HazelBite · 12/04/2016 10:37

If you are sure her bosses will take you seriously and be supportive report her. I left a job where I was being constantly bullied, but my tormentor was big pals with the boss (and used to suck up to her) When I left my bosss's boss said he knew why I was going and I wasn't the first!!
My first replacement lasted a week before walking out the second 2 days, the bully then went on long term sick leave.
I couldn't get over what a pleasant atmosphere there was in my next workplace, it made me realise just what I had been putting up with.
She obviously has "form" get in there first and report, you have nothing to lose as you know you cannot carry on working there the way thing are.

JaneHair · 12/04/2016 10:38

Please report her. You owe her nothing. She sounds vile and needs to be stopped. Flowers

Damselindestress · 12/04/2016 10:40

YANBU to report her. She has been reported before for a reason! Any consequences she faces are a direct result of her own actions and you shouldn't feel guilty. Trying to manipulate you is just an extension of her bullying behaviour. You do not deserve to be treated like this, you have to think of yourself here not her. She wants you to care that she is upset but clearly doesn't care that you have been left crying and feeling like a nervous wreck because of her behaviour. You don't owe any loyalty to someone who has treated you so terribly. Don't feel bad that you said you wouldn't report then did, you only said that because she put you on the spot and under pressure. Log and report every incident, including her contacting you at home! Good luck, thinking of you.

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 12/04/2016 10:40

Just a thought but maybe 'high end' boss was a typo for 'bell end' boss

Inkanta · 12/04/2016 10:43

It's often reported that in these situations colleagues and supervisors are not always as supportive as you would expect. Don't take it personally. This is how people behave at work. In a climate of fear staff look after their own interests. They want to keep their job and their salary - and what's going on with everyone else is secondary.
If it was me I would make my complaint, and tell the bully to fuck off, and then look for another job well away from that woman. Your own health comes first.

BoatyMcBoat · 12/04/2016 11:32

Really, please report her. I had a colleague like this once, and I ended up leaving with mh and physical problems. I've never been financially secure since. Don't let her carry on.

Emochild · 12/04/2016 11:59

Fingers crossed for you OP Flowers

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 12:39

Given that you were due into work at 12, I am hoping that you are having your chat with the boss you mentioned. Hope it is going well OP Flowers

ILikeUranus · 12/04/2016 12:46

Definitely report - and don't warn her first, you owe her nothing. She needs to be told not to ring you at home s well - sounds like the slippery slope into harassment. It's a serious problem, it needs reporting and dealing with properly.

Fluffyears · 12/04/2016 13:54

Report, I was driven out of my last job by bullying. I am still suffering depression from this.

She is worried so wil now start ass covering and discrediting you so you must get in first. You must report before you go off for your wedding as who knows what damage she could do in your absence.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/04/2016 13:58

I Think you could be right. Veda

YellowTulips · 12/04/2016 14:05

This continued request for you not to report is actually another demonstration of her bullying and manipulation.

She sounds totally unsuitable for a position of management. If she was doing her job correctly then she would have no fear of being reported - which shows she knows her behaviour is out of line.

For your part you need to start making a record of every inappropriate comment/action she takes against you. Be factual and not emotional.

Good luck today.

PegsPigs · 12/04/2016 14:18

As pretty much everyone says you need to report this woman so she can't keep doing this to you. Sounds like speaking to her approachable boss will give you the perspective you need to decide how far to take this.

Herschellmum · 12/04/2016 14:21

Given its not an isolated incident I would report it. I think she will stop for awhile than start again and no one should have to put up with it! Frankly even if you were making mistakes left right and centre that's still bullying and certainly not how I t should be dealt with.

Hope you are ok and feel strong enough to report her.

WonderingAspie · 12/04/2016 14:29

You owe this cow nothing.

She knows she's really fucked up now. Well good.

Good luck. Take it as high as you can go. Stop her from being able to do this to someone else. I would have cried way before you did in your shoes too!

NewMinouMinou · 12/04/2016 14:42

Sounds like HR actually wants you to take it further, as (been self-employed for years so could be wrong) they need your complaint to get things kicked off.

Hope you're on the case today, SD. Good luck.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 12/04/2016 14:51

Hope it went well. She's got a bloody nerve 😡

looki · 12/04/2016 15:04

OP I hope you are ok today, i have been thinking about you today.

If you decide not to report, please be careful and watch your back. I worked in a large corporation and have seen a lot of this sort of behaviour over the years.

In one instance, the girl who was being bullied went on annual leave. The bully and her comrades (and all bullies have them) systematically went through all her files looking for 'mistakes' which they then reported to management. The girl became a nervous wreck, frequently stayed until 9pm in order to double and triple check everything. Needless to say, she left as soon as she could. The whole team suffered, the atmosphere was toxic and the ironic thing was the main bully also left to work on a new team as she got promoted!

troubleinstore · 12/04/2016 15:12

Hard as it may be ...please do report her. When all is done with you, she will move on to someone else and make their life a misery too...and it will go on and on.

People in authority need to know they are there to support, guide, and make sure the work gets done, not to harass and belittle.

Let us know how you get on...and good luck. Don't be ashamed, frightened or upset ..you maybe helping someone else in the future.

Fyaral · 12/04/2016 15:13

Good luck today OP.