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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
ThinkBeforePosting · 12/04/2016 09:36

If I was one of your colleagues and had heard her haranguing you like she did yesterday then I'd have reported it already.
Write everything down with a timeline if you can. Good luck with this afternoon

Inkanta · 12/04/2016 09:37

If she is a classic narcissistic bully - it's possible that even her superiors are afraid of her and may not be sure how to handle her. Just warning you if you come across managers or HR who minimise her behaviour.

There is something quite damaging being around toxic individuals like her. Too much exposure to them can cause post traumatic reactions and clinical depression. Seriously.

Do what you need to do for now, but I would work towards getting away from this woman.

And if it was me I would tell her to fuck off. Easier said than done if you are afraid.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/04/2016 09:38

I'd go in early to work (ie asap) and report her. Do not let her get in first.

I'd probably have a quick think and type out a list of salient points, with dates if you can remember them, and hand that over when you speak to HR.

Good luck!

RattusRattus · 12/04/2016 09:39

Good luck today - your boss sounds like a total bitch. Report her and don't fall for any of her sob story crap. Stay detached and professional in all your dealings with her from now on. If she attacks you in front of others make sure they take a note of it too and don't engage. Don't take phone calls from her out of your working hours (if that's possible), keep a record of all dealings with her.

Vedamakesthebesttoast · 12/04/2016 09:41

Ugh this woman is repulsive and toxic. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself the chance to enjoy your work environment and career, you spend the majority of your waking day in the work place.... This is your life, you deserve to be happy! Report

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 09:41

If she asks again just say 'I'm not going to think about this now' or something vague.

Or just white lie and say you probably won't report her.

Capricorn76 · 12/04/2016 09:42

Please pretend that everything's fine and that you won't report her. In the meantime call HR now and give them a heads up that you want a meeting with them today and give them an overview of who and what it's about. You must get in there first. Everything is in your favour right now. You have senior person willing to escalate and you have another employee who has already complained. They're probably just looking for an excuse to get rid. Give it to them.

She is not your friend trust me I've dealt with a woman like this before. She almost drove me to quit my job. I escalated it and she got a shit appraisal and applied and got a role in another dept.

MyLocal · 12/04/2016 09:42

Yeh, I am shocked about the call to home too. That is bullying, harassment, intimidation and the rest. If you said you were going to report her, you can guarantee she will have reported you before you get in at 12 with some lies about your work etc

DO IT! Sending big hugs and support Flowers

sami2885 · 12/04/2016 09:44

Report her, no matter how shit she feels, she has NO RIGHT to make you feel like shit too.
Take it from someone who ended up with severe anxiety and depression after letting someone walk all over them just like this, report her before it escalates x x x

icanteven · 12/04/2016 09:46

Good luck today! Don't feel like you have to tell her anything, and shut down the conversation if she communicates with you again before you report her. It must be exhausting having to work with someone like that - I hope it is all sorted out smoothly. It sounds like you are in a big organisation with a good chain of command and HR.

sonjadog · 12/04/2016 09:46

Yes, you report her. Tell her you are going to report her (text her if you can't face speaking to her directly) and then disengage from her and let the process at work work proceed as it should.

I was bullied at work for two years by a colleague. We were friends and I found ti very difficult to get my head around that he was being deliberately nasty and bullying me. I kept making excuse after excuse for him and we talked and talked and nothing happened. I didn't report him out of a feeling of loyalty towards him. I didn't want to get my mate in trouble. Then one day when he reduced me to tears I suddenly realised. He had no loyalty to me. He was motvated by self-interest and who I was and what I did was only interesting to him in howsoever it related to his interests. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I reported him the next day. Tbh, I felt an enormous relief after reporting him because it was now a shared problem and I wasn't always trying to trick myself that I was really okay.

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 09:50

Don't tell her anything and report. You've nothing to lose, she's shitting herself because she knows she probably blew it with you.

Sunnybitch · 12/04/2016 09:50

I agree with everyone else that you should report this woman! She's nothing but a bully and even if she let's you be she'll target someone else

Goodluck op Flowers

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/04/2016 09:50

As a high end boss i would not be interested in the he said she said

What is a 'high end boss'? Confused

And if you have this attitude, you shouldn't be in charge of a kettle, frankly.

ClaireFraser · 12/04/2016 09:51

Could you go in early before your shift starts so that you have a chance to speak to your supervisor? Also would catch the bully unawares if she thinks you're not due in until later.
Good luck op, she sounds vile.

RattusRattus · 12/04/2016 09:54

Yes - keep your powder dry as I've often read on MN. Don't say you are going to report her. Get in early and go straight to HR before you even get to your work station.

GigotdAgneau · 12/04/2016 09:55

Please report her as soon as you can (I agree with the poster who suggested you go in early to see the person above her in the chain of command). Please don't warn her what you are going to do beforehand, though. If you feel really bad about that, tell her you've reported her after the event and say something along the lines of: "You will understand that in the circumstances, you left me with no choice of what I had to do." Mind you, in any case, it sounds as if she will be planning to get her story in first, whether or not you tell her you are planning to report her. I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by reporting her immediately. (Disclaimer: have never worked in a profession with a chain of command such as this. Nor seen bullying happen.)

Marynary · 12/04/2016 09:59

You need to complain. It is likely that one of your colleagues has already reported it (I know I would) so they are perhaps just waiting to hear it from the horses mouth before taking action. There is no need to warn her first. You don't owe her anything.
I know it is really upsetting and humiliating to be spoken to as she is speaking to you but just remember that she is showing herself up rather than you. Other colleagues (particularly older and more experiences ones) will see straight through her.

Capricorn76 · 12/04/2016 10:04

Please please please do not warn her that you are planning to report her. She will get in there first and damage you. The time for niceness is over. Act like all is well.

chunkymum1 · 12/04/2016 10:04

You would be very reasonable to report her, and if you decide to do that I wouldn't tell her you intend to. But IF you decide not to I would tell her that you have thought about it and, as you understand she is having other problems at the moment you have decided not to make a formal compliant this time, bit you will need her to apologise to you in front of your colleagues (just as she chose to rant at you infront of them). If she doesn't do this, then report.

MagpieCursedTea · 12/04/2016 10:05

I would go in early or call the person you're going to speak to now. Get in before this woman does, she sounds sneaky and manipulative. Being unwell is not an excuse for her behaviour.

Inkanta · 12/04/2016 10:06

'The time for niceness is over.'

I like that. Very true, time to get steely.

RattusRattus · 12/04/2016 10:10

I'm not sure forcing her to apologise in front of everyone would help much. You'd find it humiliating, she would also be humiliated (by you thereby you're stooping to her level) and whilst colleagues may have some solidarity with you they would find it embarrassing and be less inclined to support you in the vent of further harassment because it will make it look like you have been unable to accept her apology.

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 10:13

You don't want an apology - this has gone beyond any apology and will resolve exactly nothing. That woman needs to be sorted out by the higher management and HR (and unlike one "high end boss" here I have always seen bullying accusations being taken seriously in a big corporation. Unless bullying is a part of the company culture and the number of those companies is dwindling.

specialsubject · 12/04/2016 10:16

haven't read the whole thread but even the first couple of pages were enough. I had a colleague driven into mental illness by relentless subtle workplace bullying, and I always wonder if I could have done more to help. This is not subtle!

report her and don't pussyfoot around incompetent managers.

all the best to you.