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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/04/2016 08:41

Then go in, smile like a crocodile and report! You sound like a professional and also a nice person, so making an effort to keep it factual and evidence-based will be well worth it I think. It's not like evidence is lacking, it seems.

She will berate you for 'lying' to her afterwards but she can gtf frankly - you owe her nothing!

Arfarfanarf · 12/04/2016 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 12/04/2016 08:47

Put a stop to this behaviour right now.

Stop enabling her to carry this on with you and others.

Also tell your manager about the pleas of 'you're not going to tell on me are you'? and ask them to deal with that also on your behalf.

Infact pop it all into their hands.

LastFirstEverything · 12/04/2016 08:50

A few months back it was brought up and another supervisor (on her level) was saying that if I report it to him, he'll escalate it for me but I felt guilty so asked him to leave it.

This is probably a good thing, others have been noticing her behaviour. I totally understand the guilty feelings, but it sounds as if there is a good chance you will be taken seriously with any complaint you might make. It also is really good that another supervisor has noticed all this.

Try to remember that she is totally responsible for her awful behaviour. She has brought on herself anything that may happen to her. She's also making your life, and other lives a misery. It is very unfair of her indeed, and yet she will see herself as the only victim nevertheless. This is because she is deeply unpleasant and selfish, and a bully.

Remember that you matter too. As much as her. And you deserve so much better. I liken her situation to someone who's spent hours and hours throwing rocks at a wasps nest. They have their fun, and then get very upset and incredulous at the perceived unfairness when they get stung.

fishfacedcow · 12/04/2016 08:56

I used to work in hr. Please report this woman. She is not your friend.

Yours is a common story I've seen over and over again.

Please report her.

TheHobbitMum · 12/04/2016 08:56

Definitely report!

CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 08:58

Please do report - as others have said, you owe her nothing. She does, however, owe you - she owes you a professional and courteous work environment where everyone can grow, develop their skills and work together as a team and this will not happen where there is an atmosphere of intimidation and uncertainty. Given that she has a great deal of form for this, plus lots of witnesses plus another colleague receiving similar treatment, I think it will be surprisingly easy. What I mean by that is that there will be no question that this is def going on and you will be taken seriously from the get-go.

I wouldn't take the day off - that may alert her to the fact that you are unhappy. I would arrive at work on the dot, go to the other young colleague and tell her that you are going to report and then be the first person your boss/line manager/HR department sees. Give it both barrels in an unemotional way and regain your sanity and a job that hopefully you enjoy. Good luck!

SandDancerSkye · 12/04/2016 09:11

I don't start work today until 12 but she's just rang me from work asking again if I'm going to report her because she needs to know apparently. Lots more apologies, lots more excuses about feeling unwell - tried to make conversation about my wedding - kept asking if I'm ok but - at the same time - are you going to report me? Please tell me ... 🙄

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 09:13

Ha! She is terrified, isn't she?! The cow realises she has overstepped the mark. I wouldn't tell her and def report her bullying ass. Have you decided what you are going to do?

bakeoffcake · 12/04/2016 09:13

Are you going to report her? I hope so.

She deserves to be disciplined, she sounds a complete cow. Why should she be allowed to make others lives' a misery? Angry

Inkanta · 12/04/2016 09:16

You have no loyalty to her and owe her nothing.

In these situations I think you either fight or leave. Doing nothing will create more anxiety in you.

I hope you find the strength not to be manipulated by her.

MadSprocker · 12/04/2016 09:16

I would block her number from your phone for the morning, or if you can't do that, try to ignore it and put it on silence. If it's a landline, unplug it? Is there anyway you can meet the other senior colleague you mentioned above, this morning, and speak to them to get the ball rolling. Or make an appointment to see him asap, so you aren't distracted by trying to work too.

StrictlyMumDancing · 12/04/2016 09:16

Please call HR now about this - this is just another form of bullying. She doesn't need to know - what she wants to know is if she needs to prepare something to sling at you or coerce your colleagues into not backing you up.

SandDancerSkye · 12/04/2016 09:18

I'm going to speak to a colleague above her. In our profession we have a definate chain on command - we're even numbered as such 😂 (Anyone in the profession will now instantly know where I work lol) so I'll speak to the person directly above her who is a very approachable and knowledgable woman. I'll speak off record first - get her advice and go from there. I know this woman is well aware of her behaviour and I suspect that other colleagues have approached her about the situation with me but as a professional, she won't act until it comes from my own mouth. So I'll try and get her alone today.

OP posts:
AnneTwacky · 12/04/2016 09:20

Lokking at this from another angle. This woman clearly has issues that are affecting her both professionally and personally. You need to report her now before she gets herself in an even bigger mess.
Ignore the emotional manipulation, it will be better for you, her and all the rest of your colleagues if this is sorted out sooner rather than later.

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 09:22

She's going to try and get in first with lies. That's why she needs to know now. You need to be non committal about reporting her. Log what she's saying in her calls today. It will help HR get the full picture.

JinRamen · 12/04/2016 09:23

Definitely report!

Spandexpants007 · 12/04/2016 09:23

Be non committal about reporting her when she asks but go to HR first thing.

sportinguista · 12/04/2016 09:24

As a victim of workplace bullying I urge you to report and don't warn her. She's had enough chances to sort out her behaviour and she hasn't. My bully got away with it because others constantly enabled. I left and others left because of her. But equally I've known of cases where it has worked reporting a bully.

You don't owe her anything, she owes you! It sounds like they just need your report/grievance to start action against her. It will be tough for a while but it will be worth it in the end. Take a look at bullyonline.org for some advice about how bullies operate it will give you an idea of what she might try to do and also maybe have a word with acas.

Don't let it get to the stage I did. I ended up signed off with longterm stress, antidepressants and counselling the works. It severely dented my confidence for a long time. I ended up stronger but it took time. Looking back I wish I had left 5 years before I did.

Good luck and chin up! Flowers

foreverandalways · 12/04/2016 09:27

You must report her for sure....sending you a huge hug X

Hygge · 12/04/2016 09:27

I would report her, and I wouldn't warn her first.

In fact, her demanding to know and ringing you at home about it is harassing you on top of the bullying, so make sure you tell them about that as well.

yougetme · 12/04/2016 09:28

Say what you like to her .Promise to the moon and back that reporting is the last thing you would ever do And then report her as soon as you go in.

Make sure you note all of the witnesses to yesterdays and and previous events you can recall Remember there were also witnesses on the other end of the phone when she called you. if you know who they are name them too.They are complicit i her bulling behaviour.

Narcisistic people are the very worst to work with. They swagger about doing and saying whatever they like and then are precious little flowers if anyone so much as glances sideways at them. Hateful people.

Do what you can to protect yourself .But lie to her. She isnt worth honesty.

plimsolls · 12/04/2016 09:28

So she's been bullying you and now she's harassing you. It's really not on.

Report her. If nothing else, she needs help and support from her superiors in order to learn how to behave professionally. Not only will you be protecting yourself (and others), you'll be doing her a favour in the long run. She can't continue to behave like this and by not reporting, you'll be colluding with the behaviour.

I felt so angry reading your post (angry on your behalf). Good luck today Flowers

plimsolls · 12/04/2016 09:29

I agree with PP about not telling her in advance.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/04/2016 09:29

She called you at home?! Fuck a duck!

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