Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/04/2016 07:41

Report her, she is a bully and wants you to put her needs above hers.

Groovee · 12/04/2016 07:43

I would bullet point things and report. She knows she bullying hence why she's told you it will finish her off. But that's what she deserves.

JamNan · 12/04/2016 07:51

Take today off and spend it writing a report for HR and don't forget to name the witnesses. Then go out and do something nice for you - treat.

When she kicks off (because she will) tell her to take it to a senior level if she's got a problem with your work.

It sounds like everyone in the office would like to see the back of her.

teawamutu · 12/04/2016 07:52

Report report report. Please.

If she's so concerned about getting into trouble for bullying, the way to avoid that might be to, you know, NOT BULLY PEOPLE.

Whatever happens to her is the result of her choices.

Pepperpot99 · 12/04/2016 07:55

The bottom line is that if you don't report her, she will continue to bully you and you will be hounded out of your job. It's as simple as that. You need to choose, OP Sad.

You need to detach yourself from her and shut down every attempt she makes to ingratiate herself with you. It's part of the grooming process and you are allowing yourself to be groomed as a victim - stop now!

Are you a member of a union? if so, get onto them now. If not, join one.

ClopySow · 12/04/2016 07:56

Report her. All the oversharing is effectively grooming you so she can emotionally abuse you.
There are witnesses, who sound like they will support you.

Fuck her. She's been in this position countless times and learned nothing.

GnomeDePlume · 12/04/2016 07:57

Please report her.

I was bullied at work. It is soul destroying. You end up doubting and second guessing every piece of work you do.

lamiashiro · 12/04/2016 07:59

What the fuck. I would not hesitate to report her. Outrageous behaviour.

whatsmyusername · 12/04/2016 08:01

Ok so you have all jumped on the band wagon. My post was probably not that clear. Firstly we dont know what the profession is and we do not know if the OP works for a large multinational company or a smaller local business. If she works for a large company with a HR dept etc then great but if its a smaller company then things may not be as easy. I never said do not report it I said do it with caution. Do not go into the he said she said as that will just start a battle. I am saying the OP needs to be professional about it and treat it cautiously. I dont disagree with a lot of comments but railroading in in an emotional state will not get the OP anywhere.

Careless of what you all say about me i have seen many instances in the past where things have been reported and these things have stuck with the person reporting for years. You need to stand up for yourself of course but it sounds like you have already done that by approaching the bully.

I do agree that this should be an easy process etc but they arnt just going to fire someone because of what has happened. There will be investigations, she may be suspended etc its not a simple process.

She needs to tread cautiously and make sure she is treating it with less emotion.

KingLooieCatz · 12/04/2016 08:01

I worked for someone like this once. The manipulative now-we're-mates-now-we're-not makes it harder to deal with .maybe that's the intention. In the end a senior colleague based elsewhere (national employer) threw me a lifeline and offered me a job with him. Rescued my mental health. It took a long time to really to put it behind me and I should have left or reported it formally earlier. I worked in that toxic, dysfunctional, unprofessional environment for three years. It affected other people to. Not only will you be doing yourself a massive favour but all of your other colleagues who are seeing this woman get away with this.

Please please report this and don't accept situation until you are being treated with the respect you deserve. Otherwise it will eat away at you as it did me.

I should have reported my boss, he picked on the young woman who replaced me, thank goodness she challenged it and he was sidelined to a position where he didn't manage anyone until he retired. And he was lucky to get that.

Within one week of working for someone else I had a such a sense of relief when I realized neither he nor anyone who worked in his team would ever speak to me the way I had been spoken to in the previous job.

notagiraffe · 12/04/2016 08:06

You must report her. I suspect she wants you to. Someone has to put the brakes on her uncontrolled behaviour. You'll have plenty of witnesses backing you up that she ranted in public.

Also, it may seem hard but you'll find it surprisingly easy to stand up to her. Me, bullies back down immediately at the first sign of strength in their victims. If she ever does it again, stare her in the eye and say. 'Do you mean me? You didn't ask me to do that job, so who are you referring to?' Or whatever she needs to be called out on.

But she sounds vile. MH issues are never an excuse for being cruel to other people. Loads of people have MH issues and aren't bullies. Bullies are bullies. It's a separate thing.

notagiraffe · 12/04/2016 08:09

That should read IME (in my experience) not Me in above post!

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 12/04/2016 08:09

OP Flowers

Of course you must report. This woman is an utter bitch and can't be allowed to get away with it.

Anovelsolution · 12/04/2016 08:14

Report her, she's blaming her bad behaviour on mental health issues which are not the cause (and are not your problem!).

If she has genuine mental health issues perhaps hr need to be made aware that she's not able to carry out her role in an acceptable way and offer her additional support or reduced duties whilst she is recovering. If not, she needs to acknowledge that her behaviour is unprofessional and face the fall out.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/04/2016 08:14

Definitely report. Good luck. Flowers

AlisonWunderland · 12/04/2016 08:15

Her asking you not to report her is just another forum of bullying

Lilmisskittykat · 12/04/2016 08:17

The girl is a manipulative bully and will keep doing it until she realises it's not acceptable xxx

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 08:18

I see a child growing up to be a bully like this in action. My DD has a schoolmate who'd be exactly like this.
A total bully and a disgusting person one day, pushing children, telling them she doesn't want to play with DD, she's awful.
The next day she'd be hugging her and telling her she wants to be her best friend. It left my DD who's got a heart of gold very confused.

We explained her and keep repeating that the girl is a bully. She isn't her friend and will never be her friend and only does the bad cop good cop routine to keep DD close to her to abuse her the next day. We basically ordered DD to avoid her, report any attempt at contact to her class teacher and keep repeating that the girl is nasty, has always been nasty and will always remain nasty.
Fortunately it worked, we ask from time to time about the girl and she seems to stay away from DD.
I understand that the girl doesn't have the most harmonic background but the school know about it and know about the bullying so it's up to them to work with the parents to sort it out. My job as a mother is to take care of my daughter's well-being and teach her to recognize and avoid abusive persons.

Fauchelevent · 12/04/2016 08:19

She's a nasty immature bully. Talking to her amd giving her chances, the whole "don't report me as it will finish my career", the best friend things are all manipulation tactics so she can carry on being a bully for longer. Report her as soon as you can.

HairyWorm · 12/04/2016 08:22

Report her.
It's not your fault this is happening
She is using friendship to manipulate you to take her shit and say nothing.

ohtheholidays · 12/04/2016 08:26

Good luck with today Sand I hope you do report her she sounds like a real nightmare and if she does lose her job it sounds like there will be alot of relieved people where you work.

TheCrimsonPleb · 12/04/2016 08:29

"You dont want the boss's to think you are difficult."

That is appalling advice and surely amounts to victim blaming.

I've worked for organisations large and small in a career spanning almost 30 years and thank god I've never encountered this attitude in the face of bullying at work.

Good luck OP. Tell you're truth and don't give her a hint that you are reporting her.

SandDancerSkye · 12/04/2016 08:31

The thing is, parts of this has already been discussed amongst colleagues. A few months back it was brought up and another supervisor (on her level) was saying that if I report it to him, he'll escalate it for me but I felt guilty so asked him to leave it. There is another girl there who is young (26) but very good at her job and very popular in the team - well this woman has it in for her too only, this young girl is not a pushover and will bite back if provoked so the bitching and manipulation stays behind the scenes with her. She goes out of her way to find mistakes and issues with her. She's aware of it but feels like she can't say anything while it's all behind the scenes and subtle. The sad thing is this woman is in her mid 40s and is obviously feeling insecure and jealous of a 26 year old. I'm mid 30s so she's got 10 years on me too.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 12/04/2016 08:33

Certainly report her op. However I'd be wary of taking the day off sick. She asked you not to report her yesterday because she KNEW she'd crossed the line. If you take today off then she'll know why and might go into damage limitation mode, spreading more lies about you within your department . If you can manage it, I'd be tempted to go in and pretend all is well. It's not deceptive; simply self-preservation.

But do, definitely, report Flowers

SandDancerSkye · 12/04/2016 08:37

LaContessa - that's what I'm worried about. Last night she said "please tell me if you're going to report me so I can prepare myself". I'm not stupid, I know what she means is "please warn me so I can get in first".

The young woman who she also has it in for has prepared for this very same scenario by going into the manager and telling her that she feels concerned about this woman's harsh attitude and is concerned that she may start making complaints about her work". So manager is already aware that one staff member is worried about this woman's behaviour.

OP posts: