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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report colleague for bullying/harassment even though I promised her I wouldn't?

367 replies

SandDancerSkye · 11/04/2016 23:42

Don't really want to out my career (and myself) but basically we are what is classed as a professional role. I have been qualified just 6 months. My supervisor has been qualified 20 years. In the past this woman has gone from been my best mate to calling me slow and lazy, back to being my best mate again and then laughing at me and slagging me off again. It came to a head when she phoned me and ranted at me down the phone about how I'd done everything wrong whilst she was sat with another colleague. It was embarrassing, demeaning and to be honest, really upsetting. And I don't get upset easy. I eventually spoke to her about it. She apologised, said she felt bad and promised she wouldn't do it again and would back off. For a while it was fine but now, 2 months later the "slow" comments are back, she's having a go at me every time she see's me eating my dinner (we have no set time for meals but all tend to eat around 4.30 - nobody else gets hassle, just me) and today I was absolutely livid. I'd just completed a job which I thought I'd done ok on and other colleagues said I'd done great on - she came in ranting and raving at me in front of other staff members (most of which I am senior to), another qualified colleague and a student. I was mortified. Even if I'd done something wrong I could have accepted it and put it right but she was like a dog with a bone - wouldn't let it go, raved on for ages in front of everyone to the point where other staff members left the building and basically just made me look a twat. She then started raving on about how she'd left an important job with "SOMEONE" (whilst nodding in my direction) and that "SOMEONE" never did it. It was Blatent she meant me, so much so that another colleague said "oh dear sand dancer, wonder who that "someone" is and tried to make a joke of it. Everyone left thinking she was on about me (just how she intended) and when they all left she admitted she knew it wasn't me!!! So why try and make everyone believe it was?? She eventually fucked off and left me alone in the office and I ended up crying. And I'm NOT an emotional person. And THEN she called me from somewhere else and had a go at me over the phone in front of other staff members about something else and I could hear her laughing about me to them in the background.

Anyway before we came home, once everyone else had left she came over and asked if we were still friends whilst laughing. I started crying (for fucks sake) and she made out she hadn't realised I was upset, admitted she was out of order to rant at me in front of everyone and apologised whilst adding "are you going to report me to manager?". She's panicking because she's been accused of bullying twice before in other jobs and one more would prob finish her off. She started crying going on about how she was on antidepressants and thinks she needs time off work etc and I told her it was ok and I wouldn't report it. Yet I've come home and done nothing but cry all night. I'm fucking livid. I look like an incompetent twat in front of everyone now, the student won't know what the hell to say to me tomorrow (although before she left tonight she asked if I was ok and said I'd handled it well!! So I know other people thought she was out of order) and to be honest, I feel like a nervous wreck that doesn't want to do any jobs at work alone in fear of being screamed at.

I told her I wouldn't report her. But the more I think about it the more upset and angry I am. AIBU to report her tomorrow?

OP posts:
TubbyTabby · 12/04/2016 03:30

Please report her.

kali110 · 12/04/2016 04:13

Report her.
It will not get better.
Report her now whilst you have the witnesses and she she has form for it.
Take it from me, this does not get
Better.

womdering · 12/04/2016 05:02

Communicate with her minimally and only for professional reason
Keep a log (do it!) of every interaction between you
REPORT HER TODAY
Don't feel guilty and certainly no more excuses/ chances

PPie10 · 12/04/2016 05:26

Op if you don't report her now, she will do this to you again but only she will cover it up. You have witnesses now and the perfect opportunity to address this. Another adult who is just a nobody in your life reducing you to this state of distress doesn't deserve the time of day.
Who cares if she's on AD?? That's her excuse, and her reason for getting away with bullying. Don't feel bad, report her. Imagine how she made you look in front of others, why Would you let her get away with that.

Inarightpickleandchutney · 12/04/2016 05:30

Perhaps another person, one of the witnesses have already reported what they saw. If you get asked by her you could say that to minimise your awkwardness?

FindoGask · 12/04/2016 05:35

"As a high end boss i would not be interested in the he said she said."

lol. "high end".

Presumably as a "high end boss" you would be interested in, and concerned about, high staff turnover, extended periods of absence and increased recruitment costs? Because that's what this sort of behaviour leads to when not dealt with properly. I've had experience of working with a difficult colleague who sounds similar to the person here. She had been reported by a number of staff but management never found an effective way to deal with the situation because each individual incident was relatively petty in isolation - but cumulative effect made for a deeply tense and unpleasant working environment. People were signed off stick with work stress and I left my job after only four months - I was offered a pay rise and reduced hours to stay but it wasn't worth it.

MyLocal · 12/04/2016 05:39

This is not acceptable, and these days bullying in the workplace is massively unacceptable with management.

Are you a nurse?

Let's understand one thing, she isn't going to change, maybe for a couple of months but then her demons will return, if not you it will be the next qualified student.

It has to stop, you have to report her otherwise you will be walking on eggs shells forever. If this destroys anyone's career then it should be hers.

Lunar1 · 12/04/2016 05:41

Report her ASAP, you won't be the first I bet.

What on earth is a high end boss? Sounds like someone who doesn't give a dam about their employees from your post.

Tisgrand · 12/04/2016 05:55

Report her. Document everything. No last chances. For your own self esteem you need to do this, and also for anyone else she decides to pick on in the future. Please do it today, and keep a record of everything. Do not engage with her, do not accept any apology, be professional and say "this has gone too far". Be strong and good luck.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/04/2016 05:55

She is a classic bully..... She is doing a horrible job of manipulating you... Classic gaslighting.... Her next task will be upping the ante against you... She will want to discredit you, to make her reasoning look OK. To make her bullying in some way justified.

Report... Report... Report...

Please also get a diary together... With 4 columns... Situation /what happened /how this made you feel/ witnesses.

Try to put in as many instances you can... With these sort of instances it is the type and pattern of behaviour that will often get these people.

Your bosses will want to know so at the very least they can see the impact of her bullying on the team... It's really causing upset and upsetting work progress...

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/04/2016 06:02

PS
Totally agree with Findogask! Excellent post!

Sadly it won't get better.... I've worked with these type of people before... Sometimes they've been in post for years... And no one seems to realise the reason for high staff turnover/absences...they have to absent themselves permanently /temporarily

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/04/2016 06:16

PS there is loads of good information on this site..

bullyonline.org/index.php/bullying/19-what-is-workplace-bullying

BigChocFrenzy · 12/04/2016 06:27

Intolerable. Report this bully immediately
She is making you ill and she will get even worse.

If she has bullied in 2 previous jobs, they already know what she is like. You are just informing them that she hasn't changed.
The bullying you related in your posts here is quite enough to report and it is in public, hence plenty of witnesses - some of them are probably also applying for other jobs.

Your employer has a duty to safeguard your welfare.
It is also in their own imterest to stop this bullying; otherwise they will lose employees who are signed off sick for weeks with stress, or who just quit.

LastFirstEverything · 12/04/2016 06:33

SandDancer

I've been in a situation with someone who sounds eerily similar to your awful supervisor. she's not Tina is she?

My bully/colleague/mentor played the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer roles daily, (mentioned above by EveryoneElsie), in quick succession, unpredictably and continually. Working with her was literally a nightmare, and I ended up quitting my job- which was a job I wanted, but anything (indeed unemployment and losing the chance of a good reference!) seemed preferable to working with her.

Part of the reason I didn't tell my manager/HR or indeed anyone who could help me, was because I felt sorry for her. In between various bullying behaviours and playing crazy mind games (which I think she did in order to make me lose my job, and in order to cut my hours and increase her own, and because she just didn't like me, and because she just could), she would give me regular little insights into her difficult life and history- big health problems, abusive childhood, her debt and current poverty...

I now look back at how she played me like a violin, completely manipulated me and destroyed my chances of working happily/functioning at that place. I wish SO MUCH that I'd gone through the correct channels and reported her. I didn't because I felt (misplaced and totally inappropriate) loyalty to her, I was also much younger than her, and severely lacking in confidence. I still feel angry and bitter towards her.

Do, DO, if you can, report this woman. People like her destroy others careers, and even lives. I mean that completely.

She is gaslighting you. Manipulating you. She is a bully, a nasty one. She knows what she's doing- she knows enough to ask you not to report her!

I wish you a great deal of luck and strength.

lougle · 12/04/2016 06:38

Social Worker? Amazingly common I think. It's important to report her for your own wellbeing and to protect others.

Capricorn76 · 12/04/2016 06:41

Report her and don't warn her you're going to do it either as she'll find a way to get in there first or cover herself.

ManneryTowers · 12/04/2016 06:44

high end boss Grin bell end more like
Report her today OP. She sounds like she needs professional help at best.

LastFirstEverything · 12/04/2016 06:45

Sorry, I wrote a mammoth post all about me, I didn't mean to derail. It's just that reading your OP was so like (perhaps) what I went through, and I really feel for you. It's awful. Good luck to you.

BigHairySpider · 12/04/2016 06:46

Hope you are feeling a bit better Flowers
Please do report this today. People like her rely on others keeping quiet so you need to show her that this is not acceptable. I wouldn't be surprised if she is off sick now as she realises she's gone too far.

Fidelia · 12/04/2016 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lifeisgreaterthandeath · 12/04/2016 06:48

As a totally useless boss, I would put my head in the sand and go lalala until the problem 'went away' ie i was left with a problem bully boss, legal risks all over the place, miserable staff and a lowest common denominator being the highest paid. Hi would feel OK, because although everything around me was shit, I might be able to hold onto my position until retirement whilst all the good people leave.
If everything goes to shit, but I still get paid, no biggy. I will try to encourage the whole world not to report bullying, because then I will feel better about being a weak cowardly boss.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/04/2016 06:49

Definitely do not give her another chance Hmm. If it was the first time maybe, but tbh even then it is bad enough that it is reportable.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/04/2016 06:49

Good luck today. You must report her. Even report her asking you not to report her - that's also bullying

Lifeisgreaterthandeath · 12/04/2016 06:49

Oh yes, I definitely second reporting. Very carefully, and with an explanation of the legal and health and safety risks.

LastFirstEverything · 12/04/2016 06:50

One last message (!) Grin

Also, my bully did the humiliating me in front of bosses/colleagues thing regularly, and also did the thing your supervisor did, with letting others believe that you'd made a mistake when you actually hadn't. This is just what my one did. And it leaves you doubting yourself after a while, and possibly makes others doubt you. I truly sympathise, and empathise.

Good luck reporting the nasty piece of work! Flowers

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