Argh stupid pointless lie. I'm such a dick!

[Namechangeohnamechange]

Name changed for this because I feel like such a twat but I'm a regular I promise.

Bumped into a guy I've known for a few years today when out for a walk with the dc. Closer to an acquaintance than a friend but have always really liked him.

Anyway we were chatting and he was admiring my dc and he then told me that him and his wife were going through IVF. I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby. She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite.

I know, it was totally stupid. And I don't know why I did it. He just looked so stressed out and sad I think I wanted to give him a positive story and also I've always thought that one of the hardest things about infertility must be the feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without any trouble so I wanted to give him some solidarity.

Anyway. He then said that his wife was struggling a lot and would I have a coffee with her to talk about my experience and raise her spirits. He said he was sure she would love to talk to me about it all as they don't know anyone else that has gone through it. Next thing he was whipping out his phone to make sure he had my number and we went out separate ways.

So fuckity fuck what on earth do I do now to make sure this doesn't get any worse. I reckon these are my options, would greatly appreciate opinions. I don't really like any of them.

1. Come clean and tell him it was a lie I invented to cheer him up. Not that keen on this option as I will look really bad (and slightly crazy) and can't imagine it will make him feel great.

2. Go for the coffee and continue the lie. But that would be awful, no?

3. Text him and tell him that on second thoughts I'd rather not meet up because I find it difficult to talk about still. But that feels selfish.

The other thought making me shit myself is what if he mentions it to someone else we both know. Like, Oh I didn't know Mr and Mrs Namechangeohnamechange had had IVF. And they are like, Um no they didn't.

I'm in a right mess aren't I?

I don't agree thinkbeforeposting. Trolls deliberately behave like arseholes, attention seeking and goading others. The op clearly feels bad and didn't intend to hurt anyone. Thoughtless yes but not the same as a troll.

Purple. You are right it's not the same. There was no malice involved.

Thanks everyone for your responses, particularly those of you that have had IVF- I am aware of how this must seem to you.

So I fessed up to DH. Who, after he had bollocked me for being so stupid, said it was now too late to come clean. He said it would be very unlikely that the guy wouldn't have already told his wife about the conversation and so coming clean to him would mean he would then have to tell her as well. DH v rightly pointed out that while there is a decent chance the guy might see the funny side and right me off as a harmless weirdo there is no telling what her reaction could be. I read him some of the replies here and he said that while there are plenty that see the funny side of it there are a significant enough number of those that don't that it's too risky to confess. He said the priority here is too minimise any hurt to two decent people having a shit time. And he is right of course.

So, what I think I will do instead is send a message saying something like, "lovely running into you yesterday. Have been thinking about our conversation and it occurs to me that maybe I'm not the best person for your wife to chat to. When we were going through the process I found it most helpful to chat to people in the same boat that I could share the journey with rather than people who had put it all behind them". And then suggest the conception boards on here/ Facebook groups etc.

Thoughts?

I dobt like it, sorry. You're perpetuating the lie which could come and bite you if you ever meet. It doesn't make logical sense that it wouldn't be helpful for her to chat to someone who's finished rather than going through it.

As I said earlier, it would be very surprising if she ever contacts you anyway. If you're going to text, be honest and apologetic, not add to your mistake.

I'm sorry but despite what your husband has said I think you should come clean.

Namechange.
That is repeating and reinforcing the lie. Tell his wife the truth - you wanted to seem supportive so blurted out a silly lie. You are mortified and hope she can understand that it came from a kind place. You would love to meet up for a coffee and a chat, but under the circumstances you will understand if she wants to keep,her distance but whatever happens you wish her and her DH all,the best in their attempts to conceive.

Also I said to DH that the problem with this plan is that there is still a chance I could get found out in the future. He said that getting in a sweaty panic every time I see them would be my punishment for being such a bellend in the first place, and maybe that might teach me to think before I speak in the future

How about something like "it was lovely to bump into you yesterday. I feel a bit weird about our conversation because I'm usually quite a private person and said some things I usually wouldn't. I hope things go well for you and X. All the best."

So make it clear that you won't be having a further conversation, but really don't perpetuate the lie beyond what you need to do to extract yourself.

I'd come clean and deal with the outcome. What if they chat about it to other people.

And you don't need 'punishing' for this, it was not a crime or a sin. It was silly and thoughtless and the memories of how awkward it has been might help you think before you speak in future, but following up a spontaneous, impulsive, ridiculous lie with a carefully worded, well thought out premeditated development of the lie seems ridiculous and much worse than the original.

I agree with your husband to a certain extent but don't think you should say anything more which is fictitious - your proposed text describing what you went through is just more lies. Can't you see that?? And what if he comes back saying oh DF really would still like to meet you? Or asking you what support groups you went to?

They will already have heard of support groups online etc I am sure so just keep it simple. I previously suggested:

"Text and say you have been thinking about him and his wife and really really hope it works for them but don't feel you are the right person to offer support to his wife as she is going through such a difficult time. Say you are sorry if this seems unhelpful but you feel awkward about the whole conversation now and will respect their privacy.
Then say you wish them every luck as they really deserve it."

He will probably think you a little hmmm in backing off like that but at least you are not pushing any more lies onto him and are closing off the idea of meeting his wife. And if it makes the friendship a bit awkward (you say you didn't know him much anyway) then it is the price you need to pay.

That is repeating and reinforcing the lie. Tell his wife the truth - you wanted to seem supportive so blurted out a silly lie. You are mortified and hope she can understand that it came from a kind place. You would love to meet up for a coffee and a chat, but under the circumstances you will understand if she wants to keep,her distance but whatever happens you wish her and her DH all,the best in their attempts to conceive.

This this this

OP the solution here isn't about punishing you

it's about making them feel as not bad as possible - does that make sense? I think it would be horrible, in any way, to keep pretending that IVF applied to you.

Instead of infertility and IVF, try thinking about what you'd think of someone who said they'd had cancer and chemo and then carried on lying about it. You just can't do that.

I think liinyo's text is a good one.

I would definetly not tell the truth. They are going to think you are a right weirdo. However your text seems to perpetuate the lie. You need to find a way of saying great to meet and you don't want to meet his wife without any more fabrication. Just say you aren't really up to talking about it. End of.

the things about saying "I am not up to talking about it" are

a) it directly contradicts what the OP agreed to do

b) it makes it sound as if it was so traumatic, it might make the couple feel even worse - which is a shame as the whole thing would have been caused by the original lie

c) it might put them off trying to talk to anyone about it!

Honestly, OP, rather than go through this, I'd send a text saying "I'm really sorry but i did this stupid thing..."

At least then they will know not to approach you for anything and they will have a "WTF" moment to divert them for 5 minutes!

Just out of curiosity OP if he said he said his wife had cancer would you have said "oh my husband had cancer and he's fine now" just to cheer him up?

I suspect people would be a lot less sympathetic. Please don't text him another lie anything other than the truth is about saving my our own skin not about avoiding hurting this couple so let's not pretend otherwise. Either fess up or avoid him but don't make a fool of him by lying again

I would do as one other poster suggested, text him saying that you were saving/waiting for IVF when you conceived naturally, and that you tripped over your own tongue during your chat because you are a prat. Obviously this means you'd be a useless person to meet up with to talk about IVF as you never went through it, but here is a link to X support group.

And yes, fuck you being "punished" - it's not about you (making you feel better or worse) at all, it's about making sure they haven't got a wrong idea. And if possible saving them from knowing that a mostly normal person randomly lied to them about something that's probably dominating their lives.

They are going to think you are a right weirdo.

So what? Surely being honest with them by not continuing with the lie and potentially causing them a lot of upset is more important than how OP looks? This is good advice:

Tell his wife the truth - you wanted to seem supportive so blurted out a silly lie. You are mortified and hope she can understand that it came from a kind place. You would love to meet up for a coffee and a chat, but under the circumstances you will understand if she wants to keep,her distance but whatever happens you wish her and her DH all,the best in their attempts to conceive.

She pointed at her daughter and said she was an IVF baby - there's not much muddling up one can fabricate about that!

OP please don't say anything that keeps the lie going. "When we were going through the process...."
YOU DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE PROCESS! STOP!

I'm sticking with coming clean and apologising. So what if they think you're weirdo - it was a weird thing to do and the responsibility for that is yours. Take the hit.

Tell his wife the truth - you wanted to seem supportive so blurted out a silly lie. You are mortified and hope she can understand that it came from a kind place. You would love to meet up for a coffee and a chat, but under the circumstances you will understand if she wants to keep,her distance but whatever happens you wish her and her DH all,the best in their attempts to conceive.

Absolutely this.

OP, do you know anyone in RL who has had successful IVF? If you felt able to talk to them and explain what you said and why, you could then introduce them to your acquaintance and his wife as someone who would be happy to share their experience (assuming they are), with the tacit implication that you aren't remaining unsaid. It would be a way of extracting yourself from this situation without lying and without letting them down at a time when they are feeling hopeful.

I would do what a PP suggested, which is to wait and see if the wife contacts you. She may not. If she does, meet with her, wait for the topic to come up, and say that there's been a misunderstanding - you meant basic fertility treatment, not IVF. That what you've had wasn't the same thing at all - but that you have a glimmering of what she's going through, because you know a little bit how it feels to want a baby and feel anxious about the outcome.

As someone who had to cope with a diagnosis of infertility that couldn't be deal with via IVF, I'd have appreciated having someone - anyone -to talk to about it who was kind and sympathetic. They didn't have to be in the same boat to empathize. As long as you genuinely are focused exclusively on her as a listener, I think she might get a lot out of meeting you.

meet with her, wait for the topic to come up, and say that there's been a misunderstanding - you meant basic fertility treatment, not IVF.

The op hadn't had any fertility issues. She says She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite. The op can't empathise and would be continuing with the lying.

Honestly its a terrible thing to do to someone who is looking for hope. I would be honest with them. Tell them that I wanted to give them hope. I would also look around if I know someone who actually has had a successful IVF and ask them if I could share their details with the trying couple. This way they will actually be given support by someone who has gone through it and come on the other side. OP do you know any such person? Or may be some one here who has had a successful IVF may be able to volunteer? Good luck with telling them the truth and hopefully they won't think you are too crazy