Argh stupid pointless lie. I'm such a dick!

[Namechangeohnamechange]

Name changed for this because I feel like such a twat but I'm a regular I promise.

Bumped into a guy I've known for a few years today when out for a walk with the dc. Closer to an acquaintance than a friend but have always really liked him.

Anyway we were chatting and he was admiring my dc and he then told me that him and his wife were going through IVF. I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby. She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite.

I know, it was totally stupid. And I don't know why I did it. He just looked so stressed out and sad I think I wanted to give him a positive story and also I've always thought that one of the hardest things about infertility must be the feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without any trouble so I wanted to give him some solidarity.

Anyway. He then said that his wife was struggling a lot and would I have a coffee with her to talk about my experience and raise her spirits. He said he was sure she would love to talk to me about it all as they don't know anyone else that has gone through it. Next thing he was whipping out his phone to make sure he had my number and we went out separate ways.

So fuckity fuck what on earth do I do now to make sure this doesn't get any worse. I reckon these are my options, would greatly appreciate opinions. I don't really like any of them.

1. Come clean and tell him it was a lie I invented to cheer him up. Not that keen on this option as I will look really bad (and slightly crazy) and can't imagine it will make him feel great.

2. Go for the coffee and continue the lie. But that would be awful, no?

3. Text him and tell him that on second thoughts I'd rather not meet up because I find it difficult to talk about still. But that feels selfish.

The other thought making me shit myself is what if he mentions it to someone else we both know. Like, Oh I didn't know Mr and Mrs Namechangeohnamechange had had IVF. And they are like, Um no they didn't.

I'm in a right mess aren't I?

Sorry, cut out half my post and now it doesn't read how I thought it would. The op would be totally wrong in pretending to have had fertility issues. Empathy for the wife's position would be fake and if she later found out that the op had met up with her and pretended she'd had trouble conceiving she'd feel horrible wouldn't she? I most certainly would.

To be honest weareahappyfamily trying to "give hope" to a couple requiring IVF isn't necessarily a kind thing to do. It's better to offer to support them whatever happens. For a lot of people it doesn't work.

I'm sticking with coming clean and apologising. So what if they think you're weirdo - it was a weird thing to do and the responsibility for that is yours. Take the hit.

Agree.
You fucked up, you told a stupid & pointless lie. Take ownership for your actions.

I felt a bit sorry for you initially, but if you perpetuate the lie or let it carry on then you are not a very nice person really, imo.
Just tell the truth, lies will always out in the end.

"The op can't empathise and would be continuing with the lying."

That's simply untrue. LOADS of people have helped me through things who haven't been through those exact same things themselves. The whole point of empathy is that you don't have to have been in someone else's shoes to be able to see and understand things from their perspective. (Even with two people going through IVF, the experience isn't necessarily the same. For a start, someone who is struggling to finance it will have a very different experience from a millionnaire).

Ooops, posted too soon. I meant to add: I therefore think that it would be an adequate act of reparation to spend considerable time with this woman, listening to her and empathizing with her without offering any untrue personal experience in return. Creating space for another person to 'be' is a huge gift that the OP can give here, and a far greater, more difficult and more responsible moral burden to shoulder than simply fessing up.

I vote act like he got the wrong end of the stick somehow. Just deny! You don't know where he got the idea that she was an IVF baby!

shove when I read my post back I realised it didn't sound as I meant-read what I said at 13.17. If the op pretends to have had fertility issues that's a horrible thing to do to the wife and the "empathy" she'll show to the wife will be fake.

Ahhh, I'm with you Purple. That's why I think she should say that it's a misunderstanding, she's had lesser interventions, and not pretend that shes been through full IVF. It needs to be enough to open the door to an exchange, not so much as to be a huge lie. The wife might need to feel like the session is about 'sharing' experiences (because most people who are not narcissistic feel terrible about the attention being all on them), but in reality she probably just needs someone to listen. Offering that - and really empathizing with her on it and really putting her first, second and third - is a big deal. It's exhausting to be an informal counsellor to someone in a crisis!

I don't know if others who have been through IVF feel the same thing, but I felt (and still feel, if I'm honest) that the fact of treatment being successful is actually a barrier to completely standing in someone's shoes when they don't have children and are trying to conceive artificially. You might know the struggle, but it worked out OK. That's very different to making that emotional investment and it not working out OK - so different as to be an entirely different experience, really.

Bloody hell, posted too early AGAIN! I wanted to add: this is why empathy in the sense of an imaginative identification is still needed. I don't think it matters whether the person has been through IVF or not, really - it matters that they can understand the desperation, fear and anxiety.

Completely agree about not even pretending you had any fertility issues, it's unfair and untrue and honestly it's something that unless you've been through it's difficult to understand. It is however a particularly isolating experience so by all means offer support (after admitting the truth) but tbh (and I honestly don't mean this in a nasty way) if you can blurt out something untrue like that then maybe you are not the best person for her to talk to in any case.

Right, seems to be a resounding no to my suggested text! Am constantly humbled by the wisdom and perception of mumsnetters so happy to go with the general consensus- which seems to be to come clean so that's what I will do (and was my first instinct before DH talked me out of it). I would really like to be able to offer some support if possible (that is what I was trying to do in the first place, albeit in a massively misguided way!) so I could send a message saying my mouth ran away with me and I made up a silly lie, when in fact what I meant to say was that I know loads of couples that have been through IVF successfully. That is true so I could offer to put them in touch with other people?

I know that they will probably write me off as a nutter and of course it would be nice if I could get out of this with a little bit of dignity, but that is of far, far lesser concern than not causing any hurt or offence!

WTF? What gets into people, that they tell such porkies?

I think we're talking at cross purposes shovetheholly. I agree with most of what you're saying-that it doesn't matter that someone has been through the same thing only that they can put themselves in your position and listen. The only thing I don't agree with starting out the conversation with another lie-the op having had any fertility trouble at all. I was trying (very inarticulately!) to say that if the wife later found out that the op had lied about having had trouble conceiving she would feel upset about having shared her feelings with the op on a false premise if that makes sense. Better to just be honest and then offer to listen.

Just tell the truth and don't offer any further "help"

Just because lots of people you know have been successful with IVF doesn't mean they will be. Sorry OP but you just aren't the right person to offer help and support so stay well away from them.

If you come clean they will think you are a complete nutter. I think it will also hurt them a great deal, as if you made a joke of their situation

I have had lots of fertility treatment, IUI, ISCI, clomid, the works. I do tend to refer to it all as "IVF" despite the fact that I have never had actual IVF itself.

I think you are best just saying you had investigations for IVF but never completed the cycle as you unexpectedly conceived naturally, therefore you think of your child as your "IVF baby"......

I often develop a bad case of foot-in-mouth-disease myself, so I do sympathise

GOD no, don't elaborate on what you meant to say and offer to put them in touch with other couples! Why? Why would you even say that? It's NOT what you meant to say and do you even know any other couples that want to be put forward for the job?!

Just...what??

STOP in the name of FUCK.

Stop trying to preserve your dignity! It has been established from the outset that you have forfeited it already. Put on your big girl pants and own your gaff. It is the only solution with a shred of dignity in it!

OP, glad you've decided to own your error.

I don't know about putting them in touch with others, I think part of the issue is that he felt it would be nice to talk to someone a bit known?

Bendy "I vote act like he got the wrong end of the stick somehow. Just deny! You don't know where he got the idea that she was an IVF baby!"

Was that a joke?!

I sympathise too...but now I'm starting to a bit. Plan B - more lies!

I'm glad you've decided to come clean. I agree that trying to link them up with other couples who've been through IVF is a bit of an odd thing to do, especially given that this guy in an acquaintance not a friend.

Send the text saying you're really sorry you misspoke and you hope they can forgive you because it came from a good place, even though you know it was wrong. Wish them luck with their treatment. That's it. It doesn't really matter if they think you're a nutter or not, you'll have done the right thing and owned up.

I do get your point pictish, how do you think I should word the message?

As the parent of an Ivf child I think you should come clean. Tell him you just wanted to give them hope and realise what a complete and utter idiot you have been and please use this as a learning experience to engage your brain first. I am finding this post rathe funny and a bit like an episode of eastenders. But I've got an Ivf child - I'm not going through the gruellingly awful process. Coming clean means admitting you have this tendency to yourself and others, giving yourself some slack and gifting yourself the ability to learn so that you are less likely to do it again.

If a friend asked "does this dress make me look fat?" who would answer "of course, you are fat" ?

We all tell lies. Sometimes the truth hurts people and its not nice to hurt people.

OP has spectacularly fucked up but telling the truth now will be very hurtful. Make excuses and for fucks sake don't try to 'help' anymore!

Not the same quim.

My thoughts are you are not understanding at all how stupid you were as you want to carry on the lie, don't send them here ffs. She'll more than likely see this and then really be upset. Like a joke is being made of their heartbreak.

Tell the truth or shut the fuck up.

The most important thing is that:
A you tell the truth and confess
B you learn from this and not repeat said blunder or similar.
That is the only way you come out with dignity. By respecting yourself. Anything else will be false dignity because it is only in relation to how you are viewed by others and is therefore false.